Kate Upton > Doutzen Kroes

By brendon February 16, 2012 @ 3:47 PM

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Apparently if you want to work for Victorias Secret you need to be flat chested and have a spooky accent, because Doutzen Kroes is shooting for them in Miami today, the same week their casting director basically called Kate Upton a tacky whore.

Those two are basically the same model, except that Kate is better at it. Doutzen is like Kate if Kate taped her boobs down and talked like a movie Dracula. “I vant to go sweeming now, then I vill vear un bra an panties for the picture poses.”

“Can I get your number? I promise I won’t beat you.”

By brendon February 16, 2012 @ 2:14 PM

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It usually goes without saying that a guy won’t get mad during a date and slam the girls face into a car window, but with Chris Brown you never know, because he does that kind of thing, so he’s figured out a clever way to put his new ladies at ease.

Chris Brown — who pleaded guilty in 2009 for felony assault for hitting then-girlfriend Rihanna — confidently approached an attractive brunette and asked her, “Can I get your number? I promise I won’t beat you!” the woman tells Us Weekly.
“He and his friends laughed, then one yelled, ‘That’s his new line!’ Ugh! I wanted to throw up!”
Counters Brown’s rep: “I’d be surprised if Chris said something that stupid.”

You would be? Why? Chris Brown says shit that stupid all the time. And women need to understand that his pick-up lines are not legally binding contracts, so he still can beat you. And he will. And then it’s just your word against his in regards to your gentleman’s agreement.

Whitney might have been broke

By brendon February 15, 2012 @ 7:54 PM

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Now that they’ve apologized for “accidentally” raising the prices on her records immediately after she died, Sony executives will meet this week to figure out what Whitney Houstons music catalog is really worth.

Prepare to be disappointed, Bobby Brown. CBS News says…

Houston’s estate is expected to take in about $10 million this year, but that’s far less than others will make because Houston did not write or own her songs. The bulk of royalties go to the songwriter and the publisher.
The late Michael Jackson co-wrote and owned most of his music. Just last year, his estate took in $170 million.

And try and guess if there’s any money saved up from when she was actually recording.

…just before her death, tabloids declared Houston was flat-broke and asking friends for handouts … her New Jersey estate was nearly foreclosed on in 2006 when she failed to pay her property taxes and she admitted to spending lavishly on drugs and partying in the past decade.

Hmm. Um, well, say what you will but she clearly wasn’t throwing good money away on frivolous things like conditioner. And, um, life preservers.

Chris Brown is a real tough guy

By brendon February 15, 2012 @ 5:51 PM

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Chris Brown went on his twitter with a message for everyone who thought it was inappropriate for him to return and perform on the Grammys, and according to MTV, that message was to fuck off. Or maybe it’s not, I can barely even read this. All I can tell for sure from dipshits posting is that the Grammy is very definitely not an award for Grammer.

damn you Kim Kardashian

By brendon February 15, 2012 @ 3:46 PM

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People dislike Kim Kardashian for a wide variety of perfectly justified reasons, but she does have pretty brown hair and enormous tits, and when she went to Barrys Bootcamp in Sherman Oaks for a workout this morning, it seemed as though she wanted me to stare at her enormous tits. And so that’s what I’m doing. What a dynamite team she and I make.

(image source = fame/flynet)

these Scarlett Johansson bikini pictures are way better

By brendon February 15, 2012 @ 2:49 PM

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“Lumpy asses, ahoy!”

Scarlett Johansson and her boyfriend went on a romantic Valentines Day cruise yesterday with a few friends in Hawaii, but luckily the pictures get a little blurry so you can’t see her cellulite (like you could Monday). In other good news, I bet that boat always sits that low in the water. I wouldn’t take it personally if I were her.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Whitney had a premonition of her death. Gee you don’t say.

By brendon February 15, 2012 @ 1:50 PM

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In September of 2001 there was a rumor that Whitney Houston had died of a drug overdose (which seemed reasonable because she overdosed twice the year before), and it became so prevalent that her publicist even had to issue an official denial.

Point being, Whitney Houston was high as fuck, non-stop, for at least 12 years. So, yeah. You don’t exactly have to be Spider-Man to anticipate some sort of danger on the horizon.

TMZ says…

Whitney Houston told friends she “really wanted to see Jesus” in the days before her death … and claimed she had a feeling the end was near for her.
Whitney had been very spiritual in her final days, quoting the bible, singing hymns and engaging in intense conversations about Jesus Christ and the afterlife.
(One day before she died) she told a friend, “I’m gonna go see Jesus … I want to see Jesus.”
The next morning, hours before her death, Whitney was discussing a bible passage involving John the Baptist and Jesus, when Houston flashed a big smile and remarked, “You know, he’s so cool … I really want to see that Jesus.”

Awww. I bet her weed dealer Jesus will be really touched when he reads this.

Victorias Secret really hates Kate Upton

By brendon February 14, 2012 @ 9:29 PM

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Thanks to the unveiling of her Sports Illustrated cover, Kate Upton is maybe the most famous model in the world today, but she’s still not good enough to walk the runway for Victorias Secret, whose casting director told the New York Times that Upton is basically on par with topless models.

“‘We would never use Ms. Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show … She’s like a Page 3 girl. She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

Well she’s right in the sense that you can’t go out and buy a big pointy nose like the one Giselle has. You have to be born with a nose like that. And then get hexed by a gypsy witch.