Mila Kunis Has A Few Good Years Left

By Lex May 27, 2013 @ 10:45 AM

At some point, every girl grows up to look like her mom. The occasional Rumer Willis gets genetically saddled with her dad’s cut jawline, but for the most part, check out a girl’s mom and that’s what she’s going to look like in 25-30 years. This is important when considering who to marry, because if all goes as romantically planned, that is the sole person who you will be laying down with biblically going forward. Choose wisely, else she’ll be rolling around in some negligee on your bed on your 25th anniversary asking if you remember how she looked in her lingerie on your wedding night, and you will, and you’ll cry. And so will your dick.

Here’s Mila Kunis and her mom somewhere in London over the weekend.

Angelina Jolie’s Non-Boobs Get Painted

By Jack May 27, 2013 @ 10:28 AM

Angelina Jolie and her boobless boobs were big news a couple of weeks ago as the whole world collectively acted as if something truly terrible had happened like a war, a plague, or Salt 2 went into production. Some people were shocked, some were angry, and many were inspired. Take for example weirdo Swedish painter Johan Andersson who decided to paint a portrait of Jolie post-surgery. She didn’t pose for it or anything, it’s just what he imagines her chest looks like. From what I can tell he spent a lot of time and effort visualizing her non-breasts. He said he did it because he thought it was brave and whatever and the proceeds go to help kids in the Congo. That is certainly nice, but, I’m pretty sure this herring eating, Abba/death metal-loving, ergonomic furniture-having Swede just has fantasies about women with mastectomies. In fact, I’d venture to guess he just painted Angelina’s face atop one of the many faceless mastectomy body portraits he keeps in his little red painted barn. You should order a print for the aunt you don’t like for her birthday.

Crystal Hefner Is An American Hero

By Travis May 27, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Charlie Sheen was scheduled to be the celebrity host of this past Saturday’s Memorial Day Weekend Salute pool party at the Sapphire Pool and Day Club in Las Vegas, and of course he bailed on that. Maybe he was caught up in filming a scene for a movie or his show, or maybe he just decided not to get up from between whatever soulless and fatherless 19-year old girls that he passed out on top of the night before. Either way, it left Sapphire’s management with a big decision to make.

Fortunately, they made the right call and just had the other celebrity guest, Crystal Hefner, stand around in her extra small bikini and blow kisses at people. And if someone showed up and asked where Charlie was, she’d just tell them, “He’s dead” and then bounce up and down.

(Photo Credits: Judy Eddy/

Lesbos Reign in France (VIDEO)

By Lex May 27, 2013 @ 9:52 AM

There’s no more special love than that between two women scissor kissing into waves of sweaty ecstasy. I was thinking a boy and his dog, but, objectively the vagina rubbers are way more special. The arrogant emos on the Cannes Film Jury finally got it right, giving their top award this year to Blue is the Warmest Colour, a film about girl on girl boffing that contains an extended scene of non-simulated sex. Non-simulated sex sounds like something I’d like to try one day. I’d also like to be a lesbian for about an hour. And as long as I’m asking, I want to never have to watch this movie ever.

Amanda Bynes Has Gone Rogue

By Jack May 27, 2013 @ 9:14 AM

Amanda Bynes continued her madcap romp through Crazyasfucksville when she decided to randomly diss Rihanna while simultaneously making excuses for domestic violence. I’m not a fan of Rihanna’s music and I think she’s a fucking idiot for getting back together with Chris Brown every other month, but to blame Rihanna’s looks for Brown putting her to the hospital is just stupid. If it were OK to beat people because their faces’ looked weird, Bynes would have her ass kicked 24/7 these days for looking not unlike Ron Perlman. Rihanna did have a pretty nice comeback, even if she had to throw in the ‘ya’ to let you now she’s Barbados street.

We’ve seen some celeb on celeb Twitter battles before but they always felt trumped up or just plain weak. Amanda Bynes could really do some damage on her spin down the drain. This is just getting good.

Business As Usual For Victoria Silvstedt

By Travis May 27, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Former Playboy Playmate of the Year Victoria Silvstedt took a well-deserved vacation from her strenuous life of taking other well-deserved vacations by hanging out on Sir Philip Green’s yacht at the 2013 Monaco Grand Prix over the weekend. Victoria looked stunning as always in a tight white dress, as she sipped champagne and hob-nobbed with the super-wealthy British CEO, as well as his other guests.

I don’t know much about Victoria’s personal or professional life, but the 38-year old model and actress sure does have a tendency to always be hanging out with certain types of men and the world’s biggest events, like the Monaco Grand Prix and Cannes. Not to pass judgment or suggest anything, but there are people out there who might make improper assumptions about her based on that tendency, and I’d just hate for that to affect her status as a prostitute.

Photo Credits: Splash, WENN

Amanda Bynes Is Innocent of Bong Throwing — According to Amanda Bynes

By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 7:52 PM

Leave it to Amanda Bynes to find humor in even the most serious of situations. That crazy little scamp. Police arrested her for smoking weed and tossing her bong out of hi-rise window to hide the evidence, oh, and for being bat shit crazy. But Amanda knows what’s really going on. Probably a conspiracy. Might be related to terror events in London, the Chinese nuclear program, and the real reason the Ferris Bueller TV show spinoff never made it. But just know it runs deep. How else to explain a girl who’s never used drugs or had a drink being routinely busted for drinking and driving and drug possession. Some people keep glass pipes as collectibles. And some people like to throw their collectibles out the window at the sound of knocks at their door. That’s how I lost my entire He-Man Mint in Box collector’s set. Leave Amanda alone!

Mariah Carey Bursts at the Seams (VIDEO)

By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 4:36 PM

When I got too fat in college (yeah, I went, kinda) and burst a pair of my pants trying to drunk dance on top of a car, all I got was humiliated, ticketed, and a cold winter chill up my ass. I wish I had handlers like Mariah Carey. Concerned girls with headsets who come keep me from public indecency in the moments my flesh mounds defy their corset restraints. Word is Mariah has seven such girls who follow her everywhere. One girl’s job is to make sure Mariah doesn’t fall down the stairs. Another girl makes sure Mariah has the proper toilet paper to pepper her smears. And one girl’s job is to let Nick Cannon bang her in the ass while wearing a Mariah wig. Mariah has no time for any of this. She has a couple young kids she needs to see every other Tuesday for an hour. The caged bird has to sing.