Kelly Brook is photogenic

By brendon August 14, 2012 @ 6:34 PM

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According to the caption on the cover, Kelly Brook has finally done her first photo shoot with Nuts magazine, for reasons that were probably explained in the text I didn’t read before cropping out and discarding. More showy, less talky. I’m not an astronaut for fucks sake, I didn’t come online to learn.

(source = nuts)

Kris Jenner is not dead. Unfortunately.

By brendon August 14, 2012 @ 6:00 PM

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Apparently there was a rumor on Twitter last night that Kris Jenner had died, and the entire world was dancing and celebrating like at the end of ‘Return of the Jedi’, but then Kim Kardashian had to butt in and ruin everything.

“The awkward moment when ‘RIP Kris Jenner’ is trending yet I’m the phone with her! LOL.”

Yeah. OK. That’s not how the “that awkward moment…” thing works by the way. I know I might as well find tweets from a kid with downs and make fun of them, but what Kim’s describing is not awkward. It’s also not ironic, which I’m sure was her second choice.

Of course I’m assuming Kim didn’t actually call her mom and, after some forced small talk, break the news that she was dead. Maybe that’s what happened, and it was awkward. “I’m so sorry mom, but I guess you should fall down now and I’ll call E! and TMZ and then, I don’t know, paramedics or someone.”

what ex-boyfriend is Taylor Swift attacking now?

By brendon August 14, 2012 @ 4:37 PM

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Taylor Swifts next album will be out in October and the first single, which was released today (hear it here), is called ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’.

Naturally, it’s about a real ex-boyfriend who was a total jerk and played nothing but mind games with poor sweet Taylor, because yes, that totally happened once again. Just like it did in the songs she wrote about John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhall and Joe Jonas among others, or the one she wrote about Kanye West interrupting her.

Here are some of the lyrics. Keep in mind that Taylor Swift is 22 years old.

I’m really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for a screaming that I’m right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine

I used to think, that we, were forever ever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, he calls me up and he’s like, I still love you
And I’m like, I’m just, I mean this is exhausting, you know
We are never getting back together, like ever

Oh my God I fucking hate this cunt. It’s like having a girl text you during a temper tantrum, except she’s singing it. And the music is so empty and sterile and pointless and awful, it makes Dora the Explorer songs about teamwork sound like fucking Slipknot.

(image source of taylor in another geriatric swimsuit with her new boyfriend conor kennedy at the kennedy compound in hyannis this weekend = inf)

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Elton John mooned Michael Caine

By brendon August 14, 2012 @ 3:11 PM

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Elton John and Michael Cain were both on their yachts in St. Tropez yesterday when John saw Caine and mooned him. Because you know how it is. You’re on your yacht off the coast of southern France, feeding kobe to your aquarium full of of tiger cubs, throwing rubies in the air and shooting them, when suddenly you see your Academy Award winning friend over there on his yacht. It really is a small world.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Robert Pattinson finally did an interview

By brendon August 14, 2012 @ 1:54 PM


Robert Pattinson had agreed to go on ‘the Daily Show’ to promote his new movie ‘Cosmopolis’ (based on the book by the great Don DeLilo) long before Kristen Stewart cheated on him, and while she’s been dropping out of movies and canceling premieres she had lined up, he actually showed up yesterday to talk about everything.

Unfortunately Jon Stewart did what he always does, which is spend most of the time making dumb faces and flailing around. Does he have Parkinsons or something? He’s like a less-charming Michael J. Fox.

Lindsay Lohan looked fat in her bikini

By brendon August 13, 2012 @ 5:40 PM

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So not only is Lindsay Lohan an irresponsible drunk, a kleptomaniac, and a shitty actress with a terrible attitude, but now it seems she’s also putting on weight. She’s a dream come true if you’re a director or casting agent looking for a lead actress. “There has to be some kind of catch,” you would murmur in disbelief.

(image source of lindsay in malibu yesterday = akm images/gsi media)

Ashley Greene won the bikini contest

By brendon August 13, 2012 @ 4:48 PM

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Ashley Greene looked absolutely terrific in a bikini yesterday after going paddle boarding in Malibu, and not that it even matters but she was with some dork. I don’t know who he is. It might have said his name. I didn’t even look, that’s how little I care. So if he were to have some sort of unfortunate “accident”, obviously I wouldn’t know anything about that.

(image source = akm images/gsi media)

Anne Hathaway is “an insufferable snob”

By brendon August 13, 2012 @ 3:51 PM

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Anne Hathaway certainly appears to be a nice person, but she’s also very attractive, and the fact is that most attractive women are black hearted monsters. Sometimes they’re even a demon that has taken the form of a human woman in order to steal a mans semen and father a hybrid child that can cross between worlds.

Luckily Joseph Gordon-Levitt saw right through Hathaways little act when they worked together on ‘the Dark Knight Rises’.

Joseph says she’s always acted like an insufferable snob.
“He thinks she’s a good actress, he just doesn’t understand her ego.”

To be fair, not all women are snobs or demons like Hathaway. Sometimes they’re Decepticons waiting for the right moment to kill you like in Transformers 2. Other times a witch will use a potion to make you think a really big snake is actually a woman.

(source = star. image source = wenn)