Miley Cyrus Was Dang Sexy For Her London Fans

By Travis July 18, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Miley Cyrus was in London yesterday to talk to the gosh dang folks at the BBC about how much she loves to slap her ass cheeks together, I reckon. “Ah just twerk n twerk,” she’d laugh before adding, “You sound like that Austin Texas Powers fella” every time one of the show’s hosts would speak. Then everyone listening would think about the Revolutionary War and just laugh and laugh.

But Miley was nice enough to take some pictures with her adoring fans across the pond, and hopefully she told them all an inspiring message like, “Be born to parents not afraid to sell you into Disney slavery and sacrifice your adult sanity, and you’ll be able to accomplish anything.” And then she stuck her tongue out because she’s so edgy.

(Photo Credits: WENN.com)

Behati Prinsloo Kisses Doutzen Kroes Hello

By Lex July 18, 2013 @ 9:32 AM

Behati Prinsloo Braless Meets Up With Doutzen Kroes In New York City
Back in my hazy college days my sexually experimental Applied Arts girlfriend told me she’d really like to see me getting it on with another guy. I told her I didn’t think so. She told me it was a super hot fantasy for her and she’d do anything to see it. So I told her, you have sex with a girl first while I watch, then it’ll be my turn. She agreed. It was quite a sight to behold those two naughty young ladies going at it. Really spectacular. Then she told me it was my turn. So I broke up with her.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN

Kris Jenner Is Buying Off TV Critics Now

By Travis July 18, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Kris Jenner’s daytime talk show has already debuted and received terrible reviews from plenty of people, probably thanks to the fact that all she does is talk about her daughters. She even played a “hilarious” joke on her audience as she walked out with a newborn baby in her arms, leading everyone to believe it was North West, but it was actually her assistant’s baby. (I assume that Kris forced her to have a baby specifically for that joke.)

But to give you an idea of how terrible the show is, a TV critic named Linda Stasi received a Tiffany pen as a present from Kris “to write her a better review next time.” I actually don’t think that’s bad, so if Kris would like to send me a gallon of cyanide and directions to her family’s water supply, I’d be happy to write a positive review, too.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Rolling Stone Turns Terrorist Into Rock Star

By Jack July 17, 2013 @ 4:40 PM

The Internet is all in a tizzy over Rolling Stone’s decision to put Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, one of the horribly demented dumbshits that allegedly committed the Boston Marathon bombing, on their cover. What’s the problem, you might say? He’s been on a lot of magazine covers, right? Yeah, well the Rolling Stone one makes him look like a fucking rock star. If I didn’t know what this piece of shit looked like and I just glanced at the cover I’d think he was some crappy teenage emo rock artist. The article examines how a good-looking, well-liked, American-bred teen can turn into a terrorist. These questions are important, particularly so that we can take the next one of these broken souls out behind the shed and shoot them before they hurt anyone. But is that really Rolling Stone’s job and isn’t there a better way of doing it?

Rolling Stone thinks it’s still on the journalistic cutting edge but, let’s face it, it hasn’t been that in decades. It isn’t the subversive underground magazine that Hunter S. Thompson wrote for in the 70′s. Now it’s just an oversized waste of paper full of Dolce and Gabbana ads and articles about Pink’s latest album. I frankly don’t give a flying fuck what they think caused Tsarnaev to snap. It would be like me getting my financial news from Highlights Magazine. CVS pharmacies is threatening to not carry the magazine in their stores and other places are considering similar boycotts. But what does Rolling Stone have to say about the controversy? They said that while they feel bad for the people of Boston,

“The fact that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is young, and in the same age group as many of our readers, makes it all the more important for us to examine the complexities of this issue and gain a more complete understanding of how a tragedy like this happens.”

Yeah, that. Or trying to sell magazines on a national tragedy.

Alyssa Milano Still Using Her Boobs To Sell

By Lex July 17, 2013 @ 4:19 PM

Alyssa Milano Cleavage Outside NBC Studios In New York
Remember when Alyssa Milano and her annoying helpful mom started suing everybody to get her racy photos off the Internet? Those were fun days. When the Internet was in its infancy and people thought that they could hold back the tide with their little buckets and a whole bunch of righteousness. Now Alyssa is pushing a graphic novel about a secret team of do-gooder hackers who help finish the job she and her mom started fifteen years ago. I’m willing to bet that isn’t quite as popular as those topless photos of her. <=== Of course, they’re still on the web.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN

Jennifer Aniston Goes Braless

By Lex July 17, 2013 @ 3:15 PM

Jennifer Aniston Goes Braless On The Set Of Her New Film In New York
Who can get enough of the Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux relationship chatter? Not I. Will they marry for real? Is Jennifer still haunted by Brad? Can Justin Theroux find a day job? All quite thrilling. Though I’d trade it all in a heartbeat if Jennifer would just pull back her top a bit and show us her tits.

Photo Credit: INF, Splash

Science And The Average American Dick

By Jack July 17, 2013 @ 2:50 PM

Scientists have crunched the numbers and found that the average American dick size is 5.6 inches long. The cockologists compiled the data using a group of over 1600 men and discovered that American men mostly fall right in the middle of the spectrum. The longest dong they looked at was 10.2 inches and the smallest was a horrifying 1.2 inches erect, (you poor, poor bastard that obviously isn’t me). The men could get a friend to help and the doctors found that the men who had some assistance got bigger erections than the guys that just whacked it to an old Land’s End catalog someone left in the waiting room. While, I guess, 5.6 inches isn’t bad it isn’t good either. I think we can do better, America!

We’ve all been to the gym and been accosted by some talkative naked old dude in the locker room. What’s the one thing you took away from that encounter, besides the resident stench of old after-shave balm? That old guys usually have unshackled dangling hairy shlongs. Why is that? Because American men used to be bigger badasses than we are today. Your grandfather killed Nazis, defeated commies, built America into the richest nation on Earth, all while working hard and banging your grandma. Today we sit behind our desks and eat arugula paninis while our nation turns into pussylandia. I can’t prove that the girly way we live today has made the American penis smaller but I am going to hypothesize that it has. For God’s sake eat some red meat and go build something impressive so that future generations of American males can still produce children.

 

Asiana Airlines Drops Lawsuit Over Fake Pilot Names

By Lex July 17, 2013 @ 2:32 PM

Go figure. Asiana Airlines has changed its tune. They are now accepting KTVU’s on-air apology as enough to cancel their defamation lawsuit. It may or may not have to do with the sudden realization of how fucking stupid they looked to everybody else on the planet. Or, maybe, it was the fear of us naming the winner in the Name the Asiana Airlines Lawyer contest. Which we are still going to do, but now the deadline is today at 3pm Pacific.