Amanda Seyfried Is Suddenly Less Interesting

By Travis April 17, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Actress Amanda Seyfried has a new interview in this month’s Allure magazine, in which she discusses one of the most important issues facing young women today – fat shaming. Except instead of being picked on by other people, Amanda admits that she was actually fat-shaming herself, and the results of that self-inflicted mental abuse have affected people far beyond just her.

“…they’re assets,” she said of the resulting cleavage. She once referred to her breasts in an interview as “sacks of fat,” a description that she now reconsiders. “Actually, I saw a picture a couple of days ago from when I was 19, and my boobs were way bigger. They were a D, and now they’re a small C, because I lost weight,” she says. “There was something so beautiful about the size of them. When I look back, I’m like, Why did I always give myself such a hard time?”

This is devastating. Simply heart-breaking. Sure, people should want to be healthy and confident in their own skin, but at what cost? A large-breasted 19-year old girl is a precious natural resource, like oil or gold. Except you don’t want to rub your face in oil or gold and offer to pay for its college.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

LeAnn Rimes Isn’t Anorexic and She Isn’t Quitting Twitter So STFU

By Lex April 17, 2013 @ 8:38 AM

Here’s how you know somebody is anorexic. They deny it. Also, they act all excited about going to the Hometown Buffet then just nibble on a piece of butter lettuce that was meant as display.

People said I was anorexic, but I didn’t have a problem with eating as I ate a ton all the time – I could eat my husband under the table! — LeAnn Rimes to the U.K. Daily Mail

Eating her husband under the table is key because when he’s down there she can discreetly regurgitate dinner into an oversized napkin.

So what did cause LeAnn to look so gaunt this past year or so? The stress. From all the negative comments about how she started sleeping with her current husband Eddie Cibrian while he was still married to Brandi Glanville and she was still married to some other poor sap. And, by negative comments, I think she means people reciting the facts of the case. The stress was so heavy, LeAnn had to check into stress rehab! Like when David Duchovny checked into sex rehab to stop boning so many women or Anne Heche checked into lesbian rehab to stop boning so many women. Total bullshit. But LeAnn did learn at stress rehab that she doesn’t need to quit Twitter to avoid all the negativity:

The block button’s a great thing – if you talk crap to me, I’ll just block you!

Whoa, easy there rexy chick. Not the block button! Another round of stress rehab and she might find the Report as Spam button. I think it’s fair to say that LeAnn’s life has really turned the corner. Nothing but smooth sailing ahead. Until she misplaces the grape she’s been nursing for her past five meals.

Banner Contest Voting Ends Soon

By colin April 17, 2013 @ 3:00 AM

Twelve more hours by my Swatch, until noon PDT Wednesday and voting stops. This would be exciting if I liked statistics or math or the voting process in general. If you’ve got a horse in the race, now would be the time to call all those cousins and the YMCA counselor who touched you inappropriately but promised to do you a solid one day and urge them to click for you.

If you haven’t yet, VOTE NOW.

These Two Old Broads Need Each Other

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 6:12 PM

Ozzy and Sharon are the two slow kids who innately know to expose their junk to one another on the first day of kindergarten. Nature encourages the similar to seek each other out. But now reports have these two haggard lesbians on the skids after twenty plus years of marriage. Not divorce, but Splitsville. Separate mansions. Assistants not talking to each other. The whole rich person separation spectacular. I don’t believe that love conquers all, but I do believe that nobody else on this planet could put up with either one of these two screeching hens. Figure it out, ladies.

Candice Swanepoel Is All You Need to Sell Underwear

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 4:15 PM

Candice Swanepoel Victoria's Secret Dream Angels 2013 Photo Shoot
I feel like I could run a woman’s underwear company. Step one, find that factory in Indonesia or China where all the world’s undergarments are sewn together by middle-school aged children. I can do that. Step two, haggle over prices. I’m a fucking grade-A haggler. I once talked a counter guy at McDonald’s into a lower price on my McNuggets because they’d been under the heat lamp. He could’ve lost his job. But I got him there. Step three. Hire a woman who looks like Candice Swanepoel to model your lingerie. Men buy tons because they think their lady will look like Candice if they pay $40 for a chemise (see, I already know the words). Women buy it to feel like they think Candice feels. I’m not even sure what that means, but it works. I make a fortune. I trade in my Apple Lisa for a better computer, take a spelling course, and finally get to writing my anthology of marsupials, nature’s most misunderstood mammals. Done.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Fuck With Black Jesus, Black Jesus Fuck With You

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 3:48 PM

Knicks Guard J.R. Smith is no stranger to the legal system. He’s been a pretty good fuck up in the past, including a reckless driving charge that saw his friend killed a half-dozen years ago. You think a man who has sinned in the past would know better than to tempt fate by stealing Black Jesus from a jewelry store. But, no. High basketball IQ. Low most everywhere else.

J.R. ordered a couple of Black Jesus pendants a few years back, picked them up, and never paid for them. I don’t care if you’re in Nazareth or New York, you can’t just run off with $25K in jewelry and expect nobody to follow you. So, the courts ruled J.R. now has to pay the store for the horked Black Jesus pendants and their legal fees. J.R.’s cosmic Karma points just keep on rising.

Beyonce Is the Shit and She Knows It

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 3:29 PM

Beyonce Bikini Photoshoot For H&M
I’m still reveling in the pure love I felt after watching Beyonce’s HBO documentary, You’re God Damned Right I’m the Shit, a brutally honest look back at the rise of Beyonce, minus all the controversial, negative, or unpleasant elements. It was about as even keeled as a candidate profile film at a political convention. At one point in the doc, Jesus descends from heaven and begs Beyonce to never give up on her dreams, or neglect her hair weaves. Still, she is pretty damn hot. So while Jay-Z and Justin are off this summer in their tuxedos, I might just have to pay a visit to the neglected housewife. I’ve got about as much chance as Jesus.

Here’s Beyonce in her summer bikini shoot for retailers H&M…

Photo Credit: H&M

Selena Gomez Wears Bindi, Pisses Off 800 Million Hindus

By Jack April 16, 2013 @ 3:11 PM

DSILF, (Disney Star I’d Like To Fuck), Selena Gomez managed to simultaneously sing her shitty song Come ‘n’ Get It and piss off one of the world’s oldest religions when she wore a Hindu bindi during her MTV Movie Awards performance. The singer, who is Latino, wore a red beaded bindi in the middle of her forehead as she gyrated to the crappy beats. The bindi is an ancient Hindu symbol that represents the third eye and is worn by hundreds of millions of Hindus. This is just another classic case of Hollywood grubbers appropriating someone else’s culture to look exotic and cool. Cosplay is cosplay and who doesn’t love a girl dressed up like Sailor Moon or a furry aardvark thing, But dressing up in the garb of another religion for style points is pretty lame.

Stick to your own faith, ladies. Just keep suckling at the teet of that golden calf until your teeth rot out of your empty skulls.