ABC’s Splash Looks Pretty Good

By Travis March 07, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

The fact that there are not one but TWO celebrity diving shows on American television says pretty much everything you need to know about why people are so stupid lately. First, FOX aired Stars in Danger: The High Dive back in January, and it featured losers like JWOWW and Terrell Owens belly-flopping into swimming pools. And soon ABC will unveil its own series, Splash, which began filming last month.

ABC doubled down with the female sex appeal, as Splash will feature Miss Alabama USA and Brent Musberger wet dream Katherine Webb (above) and Playboy Playmate and girl who used to have sex with a really old man, Kendra Wilkinson. But those two can’t hold a candle to the best set of tits on the entire show…

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Alyson Hannigan Has A Stalker?

By Travis March 07, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Her? Really? Flute girl? Well, I guess even psychotic, obsessed perverts lower their standards every now and then.

… the “How I Met Your Mother” actress obtained a temporary restraining order in February against John Hobbs … who was allegedly sending her harassing messages online, and threatening to kill her.

What’s worse … she claims Hobbs was recently discharged from a mental hospital and is mentally unstable.

Hannigan was probably more persuasive than she thought … because Hobbs isn’t fighting her … he’s agreed to stay at least 100 yards from her and her family for the next 3 years. (TMZ)

Well then, that sounds like the perfect boring stalker for the perfect boring actress. I know that a lot of people think that stalkers are serious business because they’re so mentally unstable and dangerous, and plenty have either killed or attempted to kill in the past. But I’m just saying that part of the problem with this country is lack of ambition, and Hobbs is a perfect example of that.

If he’s going to stalk one of the actresses from How I Met Your Mother, it should at least be Colbie Smulders. She’s Canadian, and my friend told me all Canadian women are sluts.

(Photo: AKM-GSI)

North Koreans Attack, Fuck With Our Google

By Johnny Redd March 07, 2013 @ 12:57 AM

I almost wish I had been the one person in the world to see the Red Dawn reboot so I could have been ready for attack by those sinister North Koreans. Those boot stomping mofos are always up to no good. It’s amazing what you can get done when you don’t have to worry about eating.

So, our Google Chrome got fucked with today, but our crack staff of unisexual computer scientists think they got it all fixed. Or they don’t. Because last time they said they fixed my shit, I found the entire Journey Escape album downloaded in my Favorites playlist on iTunes.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering, if  we’re worrying about North Koreans when it’s really Google who’s going to round us up and kill us all someday.

Paul Bearer R.I.P.

By Johnny Redd March 06, 2013 @ 6:31 PM

First Chavez, now Paul Bearer, that doesn’t bode well for one celebrity come tomorrow, as these things always happen in threes. Maybe Bieber will prove this stupid superstition out and we can stop calling it a stupid superstition and just celebrate its justness.

Yeah, you may not be a wrestling fan, but if you are, then you took news of Paul Bearer’s death tougher than Chavez. Unless you’re a raging Venezuelan commie wrestling fan. Then you’re probably crying over both.

Sleep well, Paul Bearer (William Moody).

The Reason It’s Good to Be Michael Bublé

By Bill March 06, 2013 @ 4:41 PM

(^^^ you might want to kill the volume on this video unless you want to experience sudden female spotting.)

Why is it so damn amazing to be Michael Bublé (accent added to appease the angry mob Canadians)? It’s not the gold records or the millions in the bank or the fact that women around the world cream their inner parts imagining you are their boyfriend. That shit is nice, no doubt, but it’s not THE reason. That would be his now wife, Luisiana Lopilato.

The bible says not to covet your neighbor’s wife, let alone bang her like you’re trying to plug the hole in the Titanic, but I’ve gotten this far ignoring most every sacred rule in the good book, so I’m not starting now. I’d really like to lie down Leviticus style with Luisiana. I’d even be willing to learn how to properly pronounce her name if that’s what it took.

Here she is in lingerie. Be handsome. Sell a few records. You could have her sister.

Reality TV Is Less Crappy In Europe

By Lex March 06, 2013 @ 3:50 PM

Turns out, the innovation-averse monkeys on network television couldn’t even develop a celebrity diving show on their own. Splash, the new horrible TV show that I’ll probably watch, showing mostly fat and tired celebrities learning how to dive into a swimming pool, is basically stolen from shows successful already in other countries. And better there too.

Check out Spanish TV show hostess Daniela Blume from the Spanish edition of the show. She’s somewhat more appealing than watching Louise Anderson swan dive off the 3m plank.

Liza Morales Takes Lamar Odom to Court Over Who Gets to Reality Pimp the Kids

By Johnny Redd March 06, 2013 @ 2:21 PM

This is what it’s come to. Liza Morales is famous for being Lamar Odom’s baby mama. Lamar Odom used to be famous for being a basketball player, now he’s more well known for being the dude who has the joy of hearing Khloe Kardashian squeal in between her inane posts on Twitter about ignoring the haters.

Now, Liza and Lamar are in a custody battle over their two pre-teen kids. Not to see who gets to love and care for the cute little bastards. But who gets the rights to put them on their respective reality shows. Lamar’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians, or Liza’s Starter Wives. Lamar was so caught up in fighting for his kids he has barely seen in the past ten years that he fell asleep during the court hearing today. Liza got so riled up she ate two bulgogi platters without a fork.

Fuck Liza and Lamar for making me feel bad for two kids I don’t even know today.

It’s About Time for a Kicked Up National Anthem

By Jack March 06, 2013 @ 1:51 PM

There is a new White House petition to change the national anthem to R. Kelly’s Ignition (remix). The song about going to the club, drinkin’, ridin’ in a stretch Navigator, and gettin’ yo freak on has already garnered 4300 signatures. The current anthem was written by Francis Scott Key after watching a flag in Baltimore harbor survive Limey bombardment during the war of 1812. You have to admit it’s a little dated. It uses words like “O’er” and “Thou” and is about a war no one even remembers. If it was about killing Nazis with a pen knife during WWII, now that would be the shit. Still, R. Kelly is probably the closest thing we have today to a national poet. I mean, he did write a concept album in which a dwarf shits his pants and R. is doing a guy in the poop shoot while dating another man’s wife. If that doesn’t give him the chops to write the anthem for the greatest country to ever exist, then I don’t know what does.