Will Smith’s Kids Need a Dwight Howard Buckling

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:29 AM


Being raised by undercover Scientologists with an open marriage, a boatload of cash, and a belief that a typical upbringing will hinder the blossoming of your Xenu blessed offspring is bound to backfire mightily. In the case of Willow and Jaden Smith it has manifested itself into two teen beatniks who spit out bad poetry and cult physics via Twitter and unnecessarily high profile magazine interviews purposely designed to help these two mini-prophets spread their message. I have to imagine the Smith family publicist is on a roof top repeating ‘It’s all for you, Damien’.

Trolling the Smith kids for dumb quotes is like throwing a quarter into a payphone and watching it comically shatter and spill hundreds of dollars of coins onto the pavement. These two feed off each other like the creepy pair of incestuous orphans they find living in abandoned subway stops in bad British indie flicks:

Willow: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

Jaden: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.

The problem with poorly reasoned Wiki philosophy is sometimes shit like “you also think about the opposite of an apple” is going to pop out of your mouth and you’re not even going to realize it.

Jaden: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds.

Willow: Because living.

Defenders of the mini-Kants are insisting that all teenagers are idiots who say dumb things. There’s some merit to that argument. But most teenagers don’t get New York Times magazine articles and the ability to ruin major motion pictures and modern popular music. Most self-confident nonsense spouting teens are still forced to socialize in a normalizing school environment where you quickly learn that shit that gets you noticed in AP English will get your ass beat by the jocks beneath the bleachers. So you learn the most valuable life skill of all: knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Photo Credit: Twitter

The Government Knows You’re Stupid (VIDEO)

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Jonathan Gruber is one of those academics who thinks everyone outside of MIT is a retard because they have jobs like construction and stocking grocery store shelves and things he knows only as Industry Codes. Arrogant fuckers like Gurber were bullied growing up, but never really had the pomposity beaten out of them. Gruber’s come to public attention of late bragging about misleading the American voters as to the fact that ObamaCare is basically a tax on healthy people to pay for sick people because the voters are simply too stupid to know that’s a good thing in his opinion. Everybody who works for or wants a job with FoxNews went and dug up video of Obama talking about what a policy genius the scheming sack of shit Gruber is.

Gruber fancies himself a Lex Luther type who toys with the masses from his shady lair. In reality he’s just another dorky cog in the system who gets carried away with a little political power. He also helped pen Massachusetts’ health care laws, of which he said the:

“Smart people of Massachusetts basically figured out a way to sort of rip off the feds for about $400 million a year.”

I’m not sure of this guy’s end game but maybe people in government should stop hanging out with him. Or the President could teach him how to lie before you go around talking about the rim jobs you’ve performed for him. Gruber is almost ballsy enough to be likable if the topic at hand wasn’t emblazoned on my tax documents. Obama, while you’re working on this end of term Executive Orders, how about you whip one up that buries Gruber alive in the Atlantic. On your last day in office you can pardon yourself. It’d be pretty cynical, but you can leave office saying you did something. 

(This isn’t a partisan hack issue. All Presidents and politicians have accomplices like Gruber who do this calculated lying to get public support for things the public isn’t naturally behind.)

Chris Brown Dumb Down His Lambo

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:06 AM


Chris Brown hired some guy to paint a bunch of illegible Sanskrit looking letters on his Lamborghini. The text is supposedly the lyrics to a Tupac song though they could also read, Chris Brown is a pussy tool who takes numerous men up his ass. That’s the danger in hiring a guy who claims to know Sanskrit when you barely know English.

Apart from looking like shit this will cut the value of the car down to something affordable for a mother of six. Its definitely going to be a problem when a chubby Brown attempts to pawn it to a shady used car lot a few years from now to pay off his bail bonds. It’s always amusing when people expend tremendous energy just to make shit worse. Realize if you’re Chris Brown it actually takes effort to get a neck tattoo. You have to get in the car, drive to the shop, and sit there with the end result being you look like a jackass who never made it to real prison.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Angelina Jolie’s Construction Seems Intact

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Looks Curvy In Tight Wrap Dress During A Photo Call For Her Self Directed Film Unbroken
Angelina Jolie is in Australia promoting her Oscar bait film Unbroken. Hollywood loves an epic bio pic. Before Angelina Jolie cured her future cancer by lopping off her breasts, maybe she was considered a bit edgy and blemished for the Academy. But it’s amazing what a strong stance against disease can do for you reputation. If the American Taliban requested the removal of his left nut and donned a pink ribbon, he’d probably be out by now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Black Pete Signals the Start of Christmas

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 2:06 PM


The real mark against racists is their lack of ingenuity. Their signs lack creativity, their speeches a poor excuse for inspiration, and their lynching pranks just completely tired in a world where there are ten thousand prank shows on YouTube. You must hand it to the people of the Netherlands who invented the minstrel character of Black Pete, the Moor servant to Santa celebrated every November with the arrival of Saint Nicholas at a ceremony in Gouda. Yes, the fucking cheese place.

When St. Nick arrives to ring in the Christmas season, so do dozens of actors in black face playing the role of Black Pete along with the town’s children whose parents painted their faces black so they too can seal their fate. Protestors shook up this year’s event, labeling the annual tradition as racist and even mocking the pretty crappy aroma of Gouda. The Dutch police acted swiftly and arrested the protestors so the black-faced community could continue to pretend it was 1812 and Holland still mattered. Local authorities who ran the event maintained the tradition is merely harmless fun, which they later conceded might be a tad racist, but that those two factors were not mutually exclusive.

There’s something to be said for the open manner in which Europe produces it’s racist public theater. We’d never have a Black Pete Christmas celebration in a city in the U.S. We use the Yuletide to not hire any black head coaches to major college of pro programs. You could probably get a coaching gig in the Netherlands, but don’t complain to me when you learn the team mascot is Sambo.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Chelsea Handler Not Quitting

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:43 PM

Chelsea Handler Poses In Bikini Style Underwear On Her Twitter
I think we have thirty-seven months until Chelsea Handler’s failed show on Netflix launches. I’m going to wait for the DVDs which means another seven Netflix years before I see her interview the Kardashians, but this time about the really serious stuff. In the interim, Chelsea is adopting the lifestyle of a woman who writes naughty letters to inmates, sending off poorly contrived underwear photos she spent six hours making look perfectly candid. Prisoners are pretty generous with their comments. Us free persons need to hold Chelsea Handler to a higher standard of desperate attention seeking. She needs to add live venomous snakes or drinking red eye cocktails with Bill Cosby in his bungalow. Until then I’d like to find the person taking these photos and ask them on a scale of one to ten how fulfilling they find their job.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Bella Thorne In a Thong Bikini

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Bella Thorne Wears Thong Bikini While Relaxing On The Beach In Miami
Somebody’s going to write me an angry letter and tell me this Disney chick is twelve or something. I’m pretty sure she’s thirty. Her stage parents doctored her birth certificate like an aggressive Dominican baseball scout so her skills would appear developed for her age. Imagine the look of horror on the faces of the Hollywood pedos who chased her into her Disney dressing room only to discover a furry minge. Those poor bastards.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

The 2015 Pirelli Calendar Is Here

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:15 PM

Gigi Hadid
Back in the days when you could eat steak rare and colonic with Camel smoke and bang your secretary over a metal desk, men kept pin up calendars on their wall. Now that move will cost you two weeks in a re-education camp beneath Vassar’s rugby field. Pirelli has been publishing a calendar of models since 1964, distributed to product resellers in shops and garages across the western world. Most of those calendars have since been replaced by Federal workplace rules and regulations written in Spanish and Hmong. But so long as photographers are interested in getting good looking models to distant tropical ports for the purposes of mild rape, these calendars will never go away. A couple years ago Pirelli tried turning their calendar into some G-rated artsy shit but several dudes from Big-O tires flew to the Pirelli headquarters and burned the building down. Now tits are back to provide context.

Photo Credit: Pirelli