Khloe Kardashian Kocktails

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 12:36 PM

Khloe Kardashian Sheer Nipples
The FYI network, which is apparently an actual TV channel seen across the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and parts of Bakersfield, announced a Khloe Kardashian hosted talk show unlike anything that has ever been seen before on television, or the FYI network, or the universe:

The series [Kocktails] will feature regular celebrity guests and friends who will join Kim Kardashian’s younger sis in the kitchen and around the table for “an intimate dinner party filled with cooking, pop culture, conversation, and outrageously fun party games.

The family has tried to push their big shouldered mutt into opportunities of her own before and the results have been frightening. When Khloe froze up reading the teleprompter on the X-Factor it was like watching King Kong in the paparazzi lights right before busting out of his chains. I shit myself and those around me. Unless the outrageous party games include releasing her O.J. DNA test and power lifting, I’m sticking to the traditional Kardashian spinoffs. The morbidly obese have enough programming. More motorcycles on ice please.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Anna Kendrick Is An Enigma And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

472740304-actress-anna-kendrick-arrives-at-the-world-gettyimages

I find Anna Kendrick perplexing. I can’t tell if she’s hot or not. Sometimes I want to ride her like the Cyclone in Coney Island and other times I am repulsed by her man chin. One day I will get to the bottom of this mystery.

Judge for yourself. (Popoholic)

Draya Michele’s titties are my new muse. (Busted Coverage)

Sandra Carolina wets her t-shirt/shows off her tits. (Egotastic All-Stars)

It’s not just Charlotte McKinney’s tits we love, it’s also her legs. (TMZ)

Rachel Hilbert models lingerie because it’s her job. (Drunken Stepfather)

But let’s talk about Olivia Wilde’s nipples. (Hollywood Tuna)

Who says nerd girls aren’t fuckable? (The Chive)

Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:59 AM

Lindsay Lohan Parties In A Bikini In Greece
Lindsay Lohan was sent to Greece to remind those debt skating motherfuckers what happens when you turn your back on an obligation to the EU. Everybody retiring on government pension at forty-five doesn’t sound so idyllic when HSV’s one through five are percolating in the Aegean. Start pressing the olives that much harder. Juan Pierre will be by on Tuesday. Next comes an air drop of Donatella Versace’s vivisected skin trimmings. There will be no passover.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Nausicaa Breaking Big

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

Nausicaa Red Hot Braless In Beverly Hills
By rough count this chick is only five more bottled water shoots away from affording decent dental care. It’s not enough just to stand in front of some stranger’s fancy car and tug your unwashed hair. You’re not in Minsk anymore. The big jugs are a start but that’s just your foundation. The town is crawling with foundation. Consider fucking a Duggar out of wedlock followed by an attempted suicide. And plates over implants if you’re planning on dating anybody abusive. God gave you a brain for a reason. Use it.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Gypsy Sisters Dead Dog

By Matt July 21, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Gypsies

Mellie Stanley is a cast member of Gypsy Sisters, a reality show on TLC which features a bunch of West Virginian gypsies talking about shopping. It’s a great watch if you’re ever sitting in your garage with the car idling attempting to give yourself carbon monoxide poisoning. Gypsy is an offensive term used to refer to certain transient people of Eastern European descent, or just poser rednecks with dark hair who count as black in West Virginia. Gypsies travel by caravan and steal hubcaps. They don’t live in shitty tract homes in Wheeling and defame their own people on television. Stanley and her husband were apparently arguing about who had more AIDS and he beat the shit out of her and threw her dog across the room, killing it.

TLC really knows how to pick them. A show about forced sodomy in prison or a self harming competition would fit nicely in their sophisticated lineup of pederast condoning inbreds. Maybe they should just boil down the essence of their creative endeavors and reduce their show load to two separate programs of fat people eating Hardees and snorting oxy followed by explicit images of child pornography and dog beating. The guy’s been charged with felony animal cruelty so hopefully he’ll get a visit from Michael Vick while he’s in the joint being videotaped by TLC as he’s getting corn holed in the showers. He’d have been better off killing her instead. Dogs are polling high right now.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Charlotte McKinney Has 5 Responses About Her 2 Big Guns

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 9:25 AM

Charlotte McKinney Barely Covered Bosom
In between advertorials on the hottest summer vests for men, GQ squeezed in a video interstitial asking Charlotte McKinney what she replies to guys who ask her if her giants tits are real. Not a day goes by I don’t ask some random woman that question in person. Usually after I’ve pushed my hand up their skirt without permission and then creepily asked if they like sherbet. Charlotte muddled through five scripted perfect comebacks:

Wow, that is such a good question
A unicorn gave them to me
I was shopping on SkyMall
Justin Bieber thinks they’re real
They’re ‘real’ off limits, that’s what they are.

Not GQ’s finest hour. Back in the day it was enough just to get a chick with huge tubes jiggling for the camera and pretending she wasn’t dying on the inside. We’ve becoming spoiled. We insist our professional porn have an amateur narrative. Now we want our titty models to pull off zinging one-liners. We became a land of generalists the minute some tool got good political traction with the inane rallying cry that every kid should go to college. Peddling false hope is the devil’s work. The blond girls with the huge tubes were born to be mutely objectified. You don’t have to believe in destiny. It’s coming for you either way.

Photo Credit: GQ

Tom Cruise Persona Non Grata

By Matt July 21, 2015 @ 9:07 AM

Cruise

Persistent rumors indicate Tom Cruise is thinking about leaving the Church of Scientology, at which point we can stop discussing whether or not he is gay because they will purchase a two hour block of prime time to air his bathhouse fuck tapes. Cruise’s nine year old daughter Suri is not being raised in the church possibly because Katie Holmes spurned them after she cashed the check for answering their mail order bride ads. Suri is now on the verge of being labeled a Suppressive Person, meaning Cruise would in theory have to avoid seeing her or risk his own standing in the Church. If that sounds fucked up imagine how much money he’s given them. Weird psychopaths aren’t as loyal as they used to be. His participation in Scientology has reportedly already strained his relationship with his daughter who isn’t into detailing his cars for free or dressing like a communist with a recipe for arsenic Kool Aid woven into her inside breast pocket. Cruise and Scientology probably both have equal dirt on each other. Sucking cock doesn’t sound so bad when you’re running a pyramid scheme and orchestrating the biggest tax heist in US history. If I were Cruise I’d hire security, get a food taster, and send whatever docs he has to WikiLeaks stat. Beat them to the punch before your cock pics end on CNN. America only has room for one scandal on the subject. Breaking Clear.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jennifer Flavin And Sistine Stallone in Bikinis

By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

Jennifer Flavin And Sistine Stallone Wear Bikinis On A Yacht
Sylvester Stallone took his family of past and future models for another yacht ride around some part of France where they still call him Rambo with some level of feigned enthusiasm. His sixteen year old daughter is now a professional model by lack of other options that didn’t make people audibly snicker. I respect Stallone for knowing the limitations of his own children. Leave it to the Jews and the Chinese to put the burden of doctor and lawyer on their children. They all suffer from depression. Somebody needs to be the underaged girl wearing the diaphanous gown at the private Budapest fashion shows. Anorexia is easier when you have no appetite.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet