Amanda Cerny In A Wet Bikini

By Lex September 11, 2014 @ 9:13 AM

Amanda Cerny In A Wet Bikini While Filming A Music Video In Aruba
I laugh at the suggestion that I’m taking money from the 138 Water people. As if I’d be party to the destruction of my own species. My price for omnicide doesn’t exist in numbers. One night of impassioned sexual activity with Amanda Cerny is another matter. No safe words allowed. Not if I’m giving up seven billion people. Men will do things for vagina they would not do for all the gold buried under Scrooge McDucks’s feathered bottom. When women decry the unfair balance of gender power I wonder if they’ve never actually seen a woman in a bikini around a bunch of men.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Stripper Sues Jerry Jones

By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

Welk

Stripper and humanitarian Jana Weckerly, who took the photos of Jerry Jones’ drunken bathroom boner festival, is now suing Jones over the sexual shenanigans that happened that same evening. Weckerly claims Jones touched her privates, made her touch his crinkly Cowboy, and forced her to watch while he got a blow job from another chick with that Jedi Mind Trick that forbids you from leaving the room and wandering half naked through a wide hallway with coke drip. Jones’ lawyers have responded in full force trying to make Weckerly and her lawyer cry like toddler extortionists:

“These allegations are completely false. The legal complaint is unsupported by facts or evidence of any kind. This is nothing more than an attempt to embarrass and extort Jerry Jones. This is a money grab by a lawyer who is a solo practitioner just trying to make a name for himself.  The alleged incidents would have been more than five years old. We intend to vigorously contest this complaint and expect it will be shown for what it is — a shakedown. Due to the seriousness of these baseless allegations, we have also involved law enforcement.”

Suing a billionaire for unwanted diddling seems like a great idea until you have to deal with all the fucking paperwork. Weckerly’s lawyer claims she is currently ‘taking medicine’ to deal with the trauma of that evening, or will be when she remembers precisely which of the ten thousand old man dicks she’s stroked belong to Jones. I also find doing shots of Wild Turkey in titty bars helps ease the pain of ages birth to thirty though unlike Weckerly I can’t pinpoint the pain to one specific evening. It’s more questionable decision making that leads you to watching a AARP platinum member getting blown on a comforter by your gal pal. Weckerly is suing for $1 million dollars stuffed into her panties five bucks at a time. Good luck, Jana, and don’t forget to update your LinkedIn profile.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Britney Spears Wants To Gag Porn Star

By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

Lee

Britney Spears’ lawyers sent a threatening letter to Cali Lee, the porn star her ex-boyfriend David Lucado cheated on her with because he sometimes makes good decisions. Spears’ team is demanding Lee adhere to Lucado’s confidentiality agreement, which is a thing two people sign when they are in love and one of them is poor and the other is famous and not poor. Obviously there is no legal standing to enforce a gag order on a third party, but the lawyers are probably banking on Lee being an illiterate sex trade casualty who is easily intimidated. Or they know Spears is blind to over-billing when it involves hotter chicks.

Lucado really shit the bed on this one. Having this chick support him on an income of deep throat scenes and crumpled Spearmint Rhino singles is going to represent a sizable downgrade. Instead of haggling with the unemployment people over mimosas at the Palazzo its going to be a shitty studio in Van Nuys. Men do crazy things for love. Also, for exotic Asian porn poon. With a heavy emphasis toward the latter.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Instagram Got Your Back, Floyd

By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Josie

Josie Harris, mother to three Floyd Mayweather offspring, had her Instagram account suspended for several days while promoting a tell all book about Floyd’s abusive nature. Two of Mayweather’s other exes have also had their Instagram accounts suspended in the past after talking shit about Mayweather online. Harris believes Floyd was behind the sudden vanishing of her account:

“You guys all know WHO deleted my Instagram account.. God forbid anybody take a liking to me someone call the police he’s an instagram theif [sic].”

Harris believes Floyd has an inside man at Instagram corporate, a devious cohort that cunty twelve year old girls and emotionally unstable tools in their late 30′s would salivate over. Harris sent a lengthy email to Instagram explaining how she doesn’t believe in coincidences and Mayweather must have somebody at Instagram helping him out. She received this canned response:

“Hi Josie, it looks like your account was suspended by mistake. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience. You should now be able to log in. If you have any issues getting back into your account, please let me know.”

This is some really interesting conspiratorial shit if you don’t have access to the latest gossip at your local junior high cafeteria. At least Josie has some material for a book sequel. As for Instagram corporate, locate the biggest dork in your office who wears the fake gold ropes and fire him immediately. That’s probably the guy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Cara Delevingne Porks Herself

By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 6:08 AM

Cara

Cara Delevingne got the word Bacon tattooed onto her foot because only a free-spirited model would do such a kooky thing. Cara is very much caught up in the bacon everything craze gripping the Western world of pre-diabetic millennials. There’s a solid chance Cara eats nothing but cotton balls and other model pussy and is blatantly playing this up for Internet cool points. It’s also possible she’s got a freaky metabolism that scoffs at bacons and feels the need to rub it in the faces of every chick who is munching kale stems and still can’t fit into their jeans. Hot chicks sometimes do that.

This over the top bacon fad has been growing tiresome for months now. The young generation used to be passionate about ending war and advancing civil rights. Now they feel the need to prove they eat a ton of bacon. There was a time when doing something that seemed cool but had been done by a million other people was no longer actually cool. Thanks Facebook. You’ve ruined everything.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kris Jenner Gender Shaming Bruce Jenner

By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 3:08 PM

Bruce-Jenner-with-his-Pony-Tail
If Bruce Jenner wants to style his long hair and wear Spanx and nail polish and shave his various male points of distinction, fuck it, he won America a Gold Medal during a horrible gas crisis. We as a nation should collectively pick up a scalpel and give him the best damn vagina possible. We’re not licensed to practice, so maybe just pass around a collection plate to pay a Swedish doctor to give him a sweet as honey cunny.

Apparently Kris Jenner finds her future ex-husband’s feminine longings to be annoying and undeserved. She’s been mocking his hairdressing sessions and girdle wearing like she doesn’t understand gender identity disorder is a real thing for many aging former decathletes. Bruce, don’t hang your head. The wicked witch might think that lady parts are only good for sales and marketing, but we know they just make you feel complete. A woman who has used her vagina for so much destruction couldn’t possibly understand your pure intentions.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

How Go the Ass Injections, Khloe?

By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 1:20 PM

Khloe Kardashian Reveals Huge Butt In Leggings In Calabasas
At some point fat injected buttocks will become like tramp stamps, something that you thought was a signature statement of self-worth on your backside that now just looks like you used to fuck a lot of bikers. I know they assembly line a shot of centrifuged fat into your ass chaps each morning in the Kardashian house, like George Jetson being robotically dressed for work. But maybe if you’ve got Richard Seymour shoulders and your dad killed Ron Goldman you step off the conveyor belt after the horse tooth brushing and before the cartoonishly large hypodermic needle dips into your glutes. Khloe might think having a deformed ass is a Lifehack, but she also believes that airplanes take flight on good wishes and that Mayor McCheese should run for President.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Milena Cardoso and Fernanda Uesler Seem Helpful

By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Milena Cardoso and Fernanda Uesler Help Eachother With Their Bikinis In Miami
You can’t just let your Brazilian model apartment mate’s top fall down on the beach. If her tits fly out of her bikini top, she might just land herself the ideal male suitor before you do. This is like Nam. You don’t want to be the one left behind when the chopper goes airborne. You’re not helping her re-tie her bikini top, you’re securing your virtual vagina around the shaft of a guy with real estate holdings about to walk around the corner.

Photo Credit: Splash