Britney Spears has been posting dark brooding pictures of herself in in her underwear again. She looks like a bat. Or a crazy person who thinks she’s a bat. This is precisely the kind of evidence her dad uses against her in court to keep the Vegas dollars flowing directly to his PayPal. Something’s about to break. Ask now if she’s trying to impress Jodie Foster. She looks good. Somebody’s already dead.
Lena Dunham is Hillary Clinton’s biggest fan. It’s like being endorsed by Satan. Or Satan’s more annoying fat sister who used to diddle Satan’s younger sister when she was in kindergarten then wrote a book about it lauded by wealthy asexual women with scaly skin. Dunham slid down the reinforced pole into her fat cave to rant about Hillary Clinton receiving decidedly rougher treatment from the press than any other candidate. Dunham basically just took what Spike Lee said about the Oscars and replaced the world ‘black’ with’ vagina’.
The way that Hillary Clinton’s been talked about in the media is so gendered and rabidly sexist in every single portrayal. Whether it’s the attacks on her personal life or the adjectives that are used to describe her clothing, we have to do a full reexamination.
Dunham has become completely predictable in her rabidly sexist playbook complaints by now. It’s like her answer on the phone to stuffed crust or regular crust. The answer is always yes.
Dunham wants to make a list of words the media is not allowed to use when describing Hillary Clinton. Censored words lists seem fundamentally un-American but they’re a staple of the Upper West Side. The factress (that’s fat actress, fuck you, I own that now) cites media descriptions of Clinton such as ‘shrill’ and ‘frumpy’ and ‘inaccessible’ as sexist code words. Though she had to admit just given just those three word clues most people would guess ‘Hillary Clinton’ in a game of 21-questions. Right after learning she was mineral.
Politicians are the worst people in the world, followed by humorless spoiled rich girls who adore their own work product. If we could form a non-sexist ice floe to push these two back to the Island of Misfit Toys, that would be ideal. If the orcas eat them along the way, so be it. I wonder who they’d consume first. The chick who looks like an angry tire iron or the one who looks like a cruller?
Melissa Click who is a professor of something unimportant at the University of Missouri was charged in court with some lesser assault for grabbing at the camera of a student reporter trying to film a campus protest last Fall. if convicted, Click faces the real possibility of losing her fake teaching job which would be rough since her job skills consist of watching television, thinking about what’s on television, and beating up television reporters.
You may recall Click as the hyperventilating hippy teacher who called for some ‘student muscle’ to come and remove a college reporter from the student ‘safe space’ that had been created to keep the press out of their free speech protest, because college kids simply no longer get irony. Any rapper can tell you that grabbing cameras is a no-no. As is threatening or inciting violence on the press. Doing so on camera completes the trifecta of stupid that costs Kanye about $200,000 in settlements with paparazzi annually.
The judicial system generally goes easy on protestors with the understanding that whatever they’re protesting probably has some underlying social merit so they’re by extension, do-gooders. This University protest was labeled as a black student rights event, though it seemed to attract a heavy amount of bored white kids looking to be part of the not contextually related cause to erase their student debt. There were also some lady teachers like Click who wanted to share Neil Young concert experiences and fuck a few of the black kids. There’s calling for muscle and then there’s calling for muscle. We’ll have to wait until the film’s developed.
Soccer players get the world’s best tail. On the whole. This is the young wife of the fey German soccer player who made a name for himself in the last World Cup in Brazil. Mario Gotze. What a plotz. Something nobody says as he bangs his hot skinny oiled down lingerie model wife. Everybody’s pessimistic about the future so they talk about global warming and ethnic holocausts. Nobody mentions we’re about thirty years away from sex toys that look and act and feel indistinguishable from this chick. Not everybody can play striker for their national team. Even the playing field. Androids don’t have families you have to hang out with and they don’t get their periods. Baristas will suddenly get much hotter. Bring on 2050. President Chelsea Clinton will provide.
If some actor declared us a nation of pedophiles there’d be tremendous backlash and distancing. Racists, not so much. Danny DeVito jumped into the OscarsSoWhite fray by declaring America a racist nation and all of us ‘a bunch of racists’. The level at which not entirely uneducated people are stereotyping and denigrating broad swaths of the population with sweeping generalizations is pretty fantastical. Straight Out of Compton just wasn’t that good. Cough cough, Eazy-E has The AIDS because he trusted the Jews. Thanks self-loathing Jewish screenwriters. I get it. People in Hollywood fall over themselves daily trying not to appear politically incorrect or intolerant. Now they’re being called racist and they can’t handle the not-even-truth. Leave us out of your handwringing and White Privilege guilt ridden seppuku, DeVito, Damon, Clooney. We’re not all super rich and fucking hot chicks playing pretend for a living. You won the life lottery and you can’t fucking stand your own good fortune. You know who readily accepts a break when they receive it? Black dudes. Jesus, I want to punch all of you so fucking hard in face.
Ethnically confusing models in bikinis and heels hoisting a promotional product for ten bucks elicit a whirlwind of emotions. Perhaps best explained by the international symbol for pre-cum. Followed by the international symbol for inventing a fake name and a cool fake job. Enrique. I scout models for foreign men with bauxite mining rights. Tell me, are you enlightened enough to experience pain as pleasure? Would it affect your answer if I told you we cover the Paypal feee?
In 2014, Kris Jenner launched her daytime talk show for the morbidly obese waiting for their class action settlement checks. Jenner immediately suffered from having absolutely nothing to talk about beyond her pumpkin head family. Khloe Kardashian’s talk show Kocktails With Khloe just kicked off on the fyi network which may or may not be a real thing. The show features Khloe surrounded by obviously fatter more useless women to relatively mask her own unpleasant human form. Like her fetid Brentwood whore mom, Khloe has zippo to offer the world save for tittering inside mentions of her famous family.
Producers invited Kendall Jenner on the show to flash her braless tits and to prank phone call Kim Kardashian with news that Kendall was young and pregnant out of wedlock. What type of freak out are you expecting to elicit from your thrice married and multiple times knocked up with a bastard baby sister by telling her you’re pregnant? Also, she’s medicated. And stupid. And slow. Fake knee slap all you want, fat talk show cut ups, the fyi network and the guy who runs three gas stations in Nebraska who owns it have standards. Tease the big Kanye appearance so we can start counting down the final days already. Nobody watches this channel but a zero will still get you noticed. Pound another martini while sucking in your gut. Daytime drinking is the only believable element of your show.