By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 12:35 PM
Heaven sent late 40-something Ravens cheerleader Molly Shattuck was finally sentenced for the horrible non-crime of blowing a fifteen year old boy who went to her son’s school. Nothing worse than when a big titted blond mom picks your name out of the lucky bastard lottery hat and sucks on your cock at the beach house before the school year begins. Twat. The boy went and ratted out Shattuck who was arrested and today sentenced to spend two years worth of weekends in jail. The working theory being that she’s too busy during the week to give out hummers at the local Webelos jamboree. She also has to pay the family of what the justice system is calling the ‘rape victim’ the sum of ten grand and change to cover the cost of the handkerchiefs for his nightly tears over having the cum drained out of his teen cock by an NFL cheerleader. Fuck the loser children of today. Ungrateful brats. Fuck everyone involved in this story. Except for Molly Shattuck. In saner times she’d be exalted on a pedestal and men would throw bills into her cleavage. I’d estimate two more years of weekends before saner times.
Photo Credit: Facebook/Baltimore Sun
By Jack August 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Kylie Jenner was recently offered ten million dollars to make a sex tape with Tyga for Vivid. Porn expert Larry Flynt claims Kylie Jenner’s ass is worth a million dollars tops. That’s what he’s offered her to take a naked shit on his grave.
How much would you pay for Kylie’s ass? (TMZ)
Natasha Olenski does the naked news report for Naked News. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Nicola Peltz’s booty will make your eyes bug out like a cartoon wolf. (Drunken Stepfather)
Danica Patrick doing yoga give me an upward facing boner. (Busted Coverage)
Elizabeth Turner’s cleavage is redonkulous. (Hollywood Tuna)
Olivia Culpo bikinis just for you. (Popoholic)
Miss BumBum contestant Claudia Alenda looks just like Megan Fox minus the plastic surgery. (The Chive)
By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 10:25 AM
Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah Abraham took off her clothes to show off the new Luis Vuitton purse she either bought or stole at the mall. Theft would explain why she was naked. Think harder. Since appearing on camera with James Deen’s dick in her ass, Abraham has been working hard to restore her reputation, mostly by stripping at clubs and appearing as a shrill monster on fake reality shows. She could use some counsel. Maybe a gig in the handbag counter at Macy’s. I can’t rub this clutch on my tits until you pay for it. Ding ding. I’m winning that trip to Reno.
Photo Credit: Getty/Twitter
By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 10:11 AM
Kendall Jenner tried to spell out the name of a new ADHD drug in the sand to earn herself a $30K bonus but ended up drawing a picture of Khloe’s vagina with a giant three headed black baby pushing through. Her artistic skills are often overlooked in light of everything else she has to offer like a flat stomach and being 5’10 and not questioning voice commands from behind curtains. The entire whore family is in St. Bart’s continuing to take shots of their areolae and powdered over track marks so that gay men in six months will have something to watch on E!. None of it makes much sense. Just smile and wave. The GDP of Guyana is in a check in your mailbox back home. Check for open sores before commencing and you might live to spend it.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 9:35 AM
A special child porn police force of the future raided the home of Gene Simmons where they grabbed up computers and other electronic devices which may or may not include Shannon Tweed’s vibrator because I’d take that too. Police are quick to point out that nobody in the Simmons family is suspected of downloading child porn, but somebody did do the criminal deed using their Internet account. Obvious culprits include the family dog who rubs his cock on trees and the neighbors with the Econoline van who operate a volunteer day care center called Beautiful Child.
Thanks for your support. We couldn’t be more horrified that someone used our residence for such heinous crimes. Law enforcement is on it. Goodnight and don’t forget to change your passwords. — Shannon Tweed on Twitter
Jesus, Jared. Why didn’t you figure out such an impenetrable defense strategy? That creepy Burger King horked my Wifi. As it turns out, Beth is not a strong password. Congratulations, you’re going to need new laptops and some better hair plugs.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 9:06 AM
Women with big milky breasts can do no wrong. I want to punch people in the offal organs who mock her looks because I hear her voice in my head telling me to do so. If that voice ever commands me to kill hookers, I could see going into double digits before any soul searching. If this chick were arrested for child porn and fucking boys across state lines, we’d all talk about how lucky those second graders were. You cry duck face, I’m diving in and making babies. Let’s see whose lineage is dominating this earth two hundred years from now when the planet is half a degree warmer and gluten has created a race of autistic sea bound creatures.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt August 21, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
Kate Hudson is busy promoting her Fabletics brand of activewear for women who like post photos at the gym after misting their foreheads with a spray bottle. Hudson posted this one to Instagram along with her friend Angi Greene. It’s unclear which is which or what Greene does but it probably involves that water bottle and a hot bath.
“My #fitspiration girlfriend @angigreene Always good to have a friend who can kick your butt and push you further #TryingToKeepUp #fabletics.”
You’d better watch it Hudson. Being fit is the new fat in that it’s considered unhealthy and grotesque by those on the opposite side of the spectrum. Of course only one of these sides is being genuine and the other is busy mainlining moon pies. Bragging about not having a gunt can land you in hot water these days. At least throw in a plug for the Save the Cats Foundation. This normal chicks that guys want to fuck thing is drawing the ire of feminist bloggers everywhere. Skipping HuffPo only stops 90% of their reach. They’re out there. I’d recommend not sucking in your guy when running for your life.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 21, 2015 @ 7:22 AM
LA County Sheriff’s investigators are recommending Caitlyn Jenner be charged with misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter, which is regular old vehicular manslaughter but for rich white people with good attorneys so you get little if any jail time. Driving around town looking for a new face or a pair of tits. Always thinking only of yourself and that new pussy’s worth in ad revenue. Wake up bitch you just killed a lady. It’s unclear if Caitlyn Jenner was actually Bruce Jenner or some kind of hybrid when this happened, but I’d blame it on that shit for brains Bruce. Cut to him standing trial in a male wig. The whole thing is retarded. The investigators found that Jenner was going “unsafe for the prevailing road conditions” although not speeding. In short, the speed limit was 45, you were doing 35 but the safe speed when a car is stopped in front of you is zero. Let’s assume Jenner has helped a few struggling teens realize they need to go shopping more to find their inner being. This takes you back into the negative where you’ll likely stay until they butterfly your sagging cock. Too bad your wife’s ex husband is dead.
Photo Credit: Instagram