Sara Sampaio Models Lingerie

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Sara Sampaio Models Lingerie For Next
This chick is the hottest thing to come out of Portugal since, fuck, I can’t name anything else. There’s a sausage I think that’s Portuguese at my local brat place. It’s pretty damn tasty. But it’s a distant second to this supermodel. Maybe the Portuguese will do something big again like they did in the 16th century and knock Sara in her underwear down to second place. Cure cancer or invent an electric car that isn’t emasculating or something that changes the course of history. Or they can just steal good looking girl babies from Spain and wait eighteen years.

Photo Credit: Next

Adrienne Bailon Wants Rob Kardashian Off Her Ass

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Rob-Kardashian-His-Sisters-and-Adrienne-Bailon

A pendant would make more sense. Or a homemade coupon book for blow jobs. Trust me when I say he’ll appreciate that more than a tattoo. Adrienne Bailon’s forecasting skills weren’t so hot six years ago when she got an ass tattoo of the full name of the guy whose job was being ‘loser brother’ on the Kardashian show. Since their breakup she’s tried twice to get his name lasered off to no avail. Now her new dude is complaining that every time he slams her up against the Ikea Billy he sees Rob Kardashian’s name in his rifle sight. Adrienne enlisted the help of space age technology to turn her Kardashian ass signature into something resembling a melting Fudgie the Whale.

“For me, I feel like getting the tattoo was painful. And I think living the last six years with somebody’s name on your body is a little weird and that’s a bit more painful. Like, I’d have to explain that to my kids.”

Well yeah, those future rug-rats are going to want to know why the name of the argyle sock designer who famously sat at a Farrell’s Ice Cream parlor and ate Gibson Girls until his thorax exploded is permanently stenciled into your dumper. Kids are curious like that. Clear that tat off post-haste and hope that Google searches are considered totally lame ten years from now. You know, since you went on Extra to talk all about your Rob Kardashian ass tattoo and created a dozen top ranked search results.

Jenny McCarthy Has Another Newer Job

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 2:04 PM

jenny-mccarthy-today-show
When a true entertainment talent like Jenny McCarthy decides it’s time to leave The View after being fired, it’s like LeBron’s ‘Decision’. It’s just a matter of picking where she wants to spread her talent. Last week, she took a gig showing off her tits at a pool party in an off-strip Vegas hotel. Now, she’s launched her SiriusXM radio show Dirty Sexy Funny, because she’s almost one of those things.

The idea of having the microphone and being able to say whatever — I want that kind of freedom. The only analogy I can give is me going to Catholic school all my life and then when I went to college. That [kind of] freedom. I went nuts!”

In case you don’t follow Jenny McCarthy, you probably don’t realize she likes to mention the word college in every possible interview. She will torture the shit out of an analogy to remind you she took a couple classes at Southern Illinois before dropping out. But I guess she means she was heavily restricted at The View and now at Sirius she can fuck any guy who’s cute and lives in the football frat.

On her inaugural show this week, Jenny talked about explaining sex to her eleven year old son. That’s more Awkward Invasive Lame than Dirty Sexy Funny. But she’ll come around to more stories about getting married to the lesser Walhberg soon enough. It’s hard to estimate ratings on Sirius programs because it’s all subscription based, but if you pick eleven people as the size of her audience, I’m picking the under and taking the pot.

Lady Gaga’s Nipple Eludes TSA

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 1:39 PM

Lady-Gaga-Flashes-Her-Nipple-on-Airplane

In this era of planes dropping out of the sky, this contraband smuggling shit was supposed to be under control. But there’s Lady Gaga flaunting her TSA unscreened nipple in an Instagram selfie. What else could she get on that plane? The fat chick she makes sleep with her in her bed? A baker’s dozen of gay Romanian backup dancers in the overhead? This is a massive breach of something. I know at sixteen bucks an hour nobody’s volunteering to go glove deep up swamp thing’s lower GI tract, but she fits the profile of exactly who the Muslim male profiling apologists insist is the real secret threat. White female with bottoming out album sales. If you want to live, kick out the over-wing exits, blow into your life vest and jump.

Tim McGraw Hits a Woman And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 18, 2014 @ 12:49 PM

452205542

Country fancy lad Tim McGraw slapped one of his yokel fans when she tried to grab his pants. God forbid she rip his meticulously torn jeans any further. He’s getting a lot of flack for it. His fans don’t cotton to hitting women in public where people might see that you’re sober.

Watch Tim unleash the fury on his big-haired fan. (Dlisted)

Miranda Kerr brought her cleavage to New York City. (Hollywood Tuna)

Candice Swanepoel takes off her top to hawk energy drinks. (Popoholic)

Give child sex robots to pedophiles? What could possibly go wrong? (VICE)

Jaime Pressly has a nice bikini ass in terms of acting talent (Drunken Stepfather)

Jennifer Nicole Lee is a mom who dresses like a slutty teen. This is a good thing (Egotastic)

Want to see the redhead from True Blood in her underwear? (The Superficial)

America yes! Olivia Munn and Giada DeLaurentis eating hot dogs. (COED)

Farrah Abraham Wants Jessica Alba to Play Her in the Movies

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 11:42 AM

Farrah-Abraham-Hanging-Out-With-Strippers-And-Gives-A-Lap-Dance-At-The-Opening-Of-A-Vivid-Strip-Club-In-North-Carolina-lb

When US Weekly gets an exclusive with Backdoor Teen Mom, you know it’s going to be fucking riveting journalism. Farrah Abraham agreed to do a no-holds-barred interview with US in exchange for US pretending that people are actually buying her creepy erotic novels and that there is interest from Hollywood in turning them into a movie series. Like the Hunger Games, except where Katniss gets scourged in the ass by President Snow for the first 45-minutes.

Farrah claims that she’s constantly being hounded by the throngs of fans in her mind asking her to play Fallon Opal, the sex tape ingenue and central character to her ghost written masturbatory fiction.

“I’m not going to do a movie with this, so many people are obsessed with that idea, I think I’ve done, myself, enough TV, and me, obviously I would never be in a video or a movie of my book because that would be crazy I mean, I guess I could—didn’t the Wolf On Wall Street guy kind of do it? Even though, it was such a different story and it was kind of absurd when like the plane goes down in the ocean, and I was like what?”

Farrah’s reps really need to request no verbatim quotes next time she goes on the record. Yes, Farrah, you’re very much like the Wolf of Wall Street. If by Wall Street you mean your rectum and by Wolf you mean James Deen’s cock. That all seems implied. Since Farrah’s erotic novels will inevitably go to the big screen, she would like to recommend Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock play the role of Fallon. I was going to more realistically suggest Storky, the chick in the back brace who gyrates uncomfortably at my local gentleman’s club, but Jessica Alba seems like a strong possibility as well.

“I will be acting in two movies [of my own], and I’m kind of staying closer to roles that are Christian-based”

Well, there goes anal. That could hurt gross sales. Although Kirk Cameron really nailed a similar transition.

Girls Crew Charity Calendar Banned by Facebook

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 10:19 AM

University of Warwick Rowing Society Poses Nude And Covered For Their 2014 Calendar
Here’s what I learned yesterday about Facebook community standards. Ukranian separatists exchanging tactical military information about shooting down commercial airliners is copacetic, but ass cracks won’t fly past Zuckerberg’s team of Moroccan censors. It’s an odd thing the degree to which American institutions still cower at the mere implication of nudity. Like that kid in middle school you knew could no longer be your friend after he said the word ‘gross’ when you were all sneaking a peek at your first Playboy.

A bunch of not so bad looking rowing chicks at a college in England put together a bare-assed calendar to raise money for charity, or to show off their bodies, either way, it was a nice idea. But Facebook kaiboshed their calendar page because of the ass-cracks, which are like the Taliban beheading photos only much more likely to cause emotional trauma and lingering nightmares for children. The girls quickly pointed out that the similarly showy men’s rowing calendar page was not removed by Facebook, which proves sexism. If they only knew how scared Zuckerberg is of women. Not that it matters. Unless you’re the breastfeeding mom or the college crew charitable ladies having your Facebook pages killed. Fuck Facebook. It’s all about Kazakhstan message boards for me now. Those Kazakh women get super naughty in their shit sheds.

Photo Credit: University of Warwick Rowing Society

Kim Kardashian and Joe Francis Show Off Their Respective Asses

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 9:42 AM

Kim-Kardashian-and-Joe-Francis-Pregnant-Girlfriend
The jaunty Instagram elf so totally caught Kim Kardashian off-guard when he snapped this candid of her thong ass after only four hours of lighting, prepping and staging. Next to Kim you can see the poor sap who let herself get pregnant by Joe Francis who I thought was doing a dime in Alcatraz for not living up to the Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes code of conduct. Kim captioned the absolutely candid photo ‘#OurLovelyLadyLumps’ comparing Joe’s bastard twin babies brewing in a woman who lacks foresight  and Kim’s grotesquely manufactured ass cheeks. Or, you know, just a couple of Lovely Lady Lumps. I have to believe it’s photos like these that keep Jesus from coming back.

Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram