By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 9:19 AM
OSHA or somebody should probably put a legal end to this grotesque freak show of injections. Kanye West’s mom is dead. That should mean something more than Kanye donning her clothes and demanding whores run their coke nails through his fro. Skin isn’t carbon fiber. Shit is going to burst. Children covered in viscous body gravy are going to be fractured for life. Looking like Barbie’s less attractive cohort on angel dust is no way to find real love. Even the money is kind of sucky. Discharge a couple thousand cubic centimeters of viscous and let’s see if we can’t get you a a real estate license. There’s no reason you can’t have low self esteem and commission.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 7:37 AM
The Lakers first round draft pick Larry Nance Jr. called his new teammate Kobe Bryant a rapist on Twitter three years ago because it’s fun to be controversial and it’s also partially accurate. Upon being selected by the Lakers, the Tweet was immediately deleted meaning his agent was really holding out in negotiations to keep it up there along with his slut shaming of Princess Diana:
“Gee I sure hope Kobe can keep his hands to himself in Denver this time. #rapist”
This isn’t an innuendo so much as a notarized under oath account of his opinion on Kobe’s guilt in his Colorado sexual assault case from three playoff appearances ago. For his part, Kobe will respond professionally by never passing Nance the ball and the Lakers winning 14 games. He will then retire to Brunei where the rape laws are much softer, just like the rookies these days. This league is going downhill. Rookies used to bury evidence for the veterans. Now they don’t even kiss ass. I blame video games and heterosexuals.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:54 AM
Ireland Baldwin got a septum piercing and held up a note thanking the jewelry store for giving her free shit. Their motivation remains unclear but odds are someone there sells her pills. The septum piercing has a long tradition in America dating back to the club extras in the first Ninja Turtles movie. It has many significant cultural implications. Some of the early First Nations people to be sacrificed to the volcanoes wore them. Nobody liked them, that’s why they were chosen.
I talk about spirituality in coke dens while getting tricked into letting a forty year old lesbian in a leather vest go down on me. I read the horoscope section and then nod knowingly. Above all, I really fucking hate my parents. Will this piss them off or should I move onto the face tattoo. What if I grew a beard would you pay attention? What do you mean you aren’t hiring bartenders? Do you know who my father is? I don’t wake up before noon. What does ethereal mean again? Yeah, that. I need more pills. My clit still works and I’m not longer lesbian. Go to town.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Hugh Hefner’s ex fake girlfriend and reality show whore Holly Madison wrote a superbly uninteresting tell all book about life in the Playboy Mansion and is now spilling the mundane beans to any shitty tabloid who will listen. Some of her major revelations are that Hefner once offered her drugs and that he is sometimes irritable. She didn’t mention being paid $1,000 a week plus free room and board on top of promotional appearance fees to pretend she was listening to him tell the same story about hanging with Dean Martin for the thirtieth time.
Americans understand Hugh Hefner is a pathetic dork so insecure in his sexuality he has to hire runaways to pretend they fuck him. We wrote him off a long time ago and have an app to screen potential dates for any trace of desperation that would lead them to live in his musty curtained herpes lair. Given Hefner is responsible for the minuscule amount of notoriety Madison has, many feel it uncouth to write a book attempting to slam him. Included is Hef’s son, Cooper Hefner, who as a young child drilled many holes in the drywall of his father’s house and watched him slap the headboard with a rolling pin while demanding the girls moan loudly:
“How does a person who is famous for being a gold digger paint themselves as a victim of a relationship they aggressively sought out for? Holly Madison, V. Stiviano, and a few other lovely ladies that lived in LA make a Justice League type group of wonderfully shitty people.”
They form like Voltron and your dad is the head. He probably wouldn’t be surrounded by so many shitty people if he wasn’t the grand marshal of their parade. Cooper makes some good points. Now back to the board room to stave off Playboy’s bankruptcy for another six months. We have Evil Angel now. Classy broads. I’ll give Madison a year.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 1:48 PM
There’s something comforting about Victoria’s Secret models in their underwear. The world is spinning out of control. We battle over the use of words rather than the worth of ideas. That androgynous seven year old next door has more rights than you even though you’ll someday be paying for its food and awkward Fedoras. Shit is circling the drain while leaders wear rainbow shawls and dance on the graves of twenty million former middle class jobs. But those genetically blessed girls pushing the South Asian slave trade panties, they ground us in the boundaries of human nature. While all systems are failing, that twitch in your cock reminds you that you’ll get to pass this shit can onto somebody else and make it their fucking problem. In the meantime, try to find your girlfriend sexy in boxers. Have another beer, she doesn’t look that much like your brother.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 12:55 PM
Rose McGowan claims her talent agency fired her for ranting about a casting note to wear a tight tank top with push-up bra for an audition for the role of woman in tank top and push-up bra. Rose had to disparage and share the sexist wardrobe note on her social media to mark her transition from using her tits to get work to complaining about it. Also to conveniently dismiss how male actors routinely have to hit the gym to have rock hard abs in their roles. Mark Wahlberg has had more strangers touching him than an adorable ten year old with a Neverland annual pass.
The role was in an Adam Sandler movie and when Rose called out Adam Sandler in particular, her reps decided it was time to cut bait. Adam Sandler is a very shitty actor who makes very shitty movies that make more money than Rose McGowan’s sycophantic feminist Twitter posts it turns out.
Yes, I realize Rose McGowan is wearing a skin tight tank top on Andy Cohen’s show to bitch about the wardrobe note. Never tell a woman with nice tits she’s a hypocrite. She might not let you touch them. #MyTitsMyChoice
By Jack June 26, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Lena Dunham is pressuring her mongoloid boyfriend Jack Antonoff to marry her now that there is marriage equality throughout the land. I’d jump that train while you have the chance. This caboose has traction.
Read all about Lena’s latest narcissitic tantrum. (Huffington Post)
Kaili Thorne in a teeny tiny string bikini. (Egotastic)
Bristol Palin is, once again, preggers outside of marriage, #blessed. (TMZ)
Bar Refaeli’s tits are spectacular in these bikini pics. (Drunken Stepfather)
This is Amanda Gullickson and these are her yabbos. (Hollywood Tuna)
Amber Heard doesn’t need a bra, y’all. (Popoholic)
Mirror, mirror on the wall who has the biggest tits of all. (The Chive)
By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 11:41 AM
Going to see Magic Mike doesn’t make you gay. Going to see Magic Mike and insisting it’ll make your girlfriend happy and you’ll get laid, that’s gay. The confident heterosexual male never insists. The Marlboro man never had to declare that he liked to end his ride on the range with a smoke and some pussy. Ask David Spade if he’s banged over two hundred models and he’ll laugh and call it a rumor. Then he’ll smell his fingers and remember them all, sorted by hair color and lawsuit. This is the age of gender fluidity. You can still be my friend, but I’m picking you last in paintball. Stereotyping is how I win trophies.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet