Paris Hilton Is Open to Interpretation

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 11:21 AM

Paris Hilton Is The Queen Of Fucking Everything
There are two ways to read Paris Hilton’s new motto. I choose to go with the more degrading. She will fuck everything. This doesn’t sound like something to brag about necessarily, unless you can turn your hundred million trust fund into two hundred million in trust fund plus DJ and fragrance fees. Her eye didn’t go lazy, it’s just cockeyed from staring up from men’s waistbands and letting them know they’ll be taking three thousand cases. That’s not a cum splash, that’s a signature. You have to be the queen of something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

The Courtney Stodden Sex Tape Is Here (VIDEO)

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:35 AM

Courtney Stodden Sex Tape Stills
What defines a sex tape? Sex? Tape? You got that here. After three long days of a brutally long promotional cycle, Vivid is releasing the Courtney Stodden sex tape to the public. It’s unclear whether demand will mimic the throngs of people lined up for the Disneyland opening in the 1950′s, or whether it will be more like Disneyland today with mostly Asians buying online with coupon codes. It’s pretty clear the days of I’m going to film you fucked up and show everybody your vagina sex tapes are long gone. There’s still illegally hacked shit like in The Fappening, but the commercially distributed celebrity sex tapes are not even hiding the professional porn lighting these days. The fact they all seem to take place in the same hotel room in Vegas can still be written off as a coincidence. If you pay her, she will just come back for more. If you don’t pay her, she’ll have to come back for more. I’ll noodle on this conundrum and get back to you.

You can see the Courtney Stodden topless sex tape teaser and photos on Egotastic.

You can download-buy the Courtney Stodden sex tape on Vivid.

Photo/Video Credit: Vivid for Egotastic.com

Lindsay Lohan Doing the Impossible

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:14 AM

Lindsay Lohan Web Of Lies
Lindsay Lohan has ten days left to perform 140 hours of community service as prescribed by the court to pretend they’re punishing her from one of he last four legal offenses. Lindsay’s trying to max out at a childcare center in Brooklyn but the place isn’t even open that many hours a day for Lindsay to clock in and out. Also, some people are beginning to question the wisdom of letting convicts do their service time at childcare centers. Sometimes that click takes a while. Lohan will have to be run through a formal background check wherein they will discover that she’s no more dangerous than her own mother in terms of being around children. So the kids have a slightly better than not chance of living though eating disorders and self-medication with Craigslist grade prescription drugs seems a given. Parents at the center didn’t seem to have much problem with Lindsay Lohan being around their kids which just goes to show how desperate moms are for childcare. It’s just booze and cocaine and some bad decisions. They’ll be fine.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Scott Stapp Back In The Saddle

By Matt May 14, 2015 @ 8:07 AM

CREED

It turns out the War on Terror is not strategically centered around Scott Stapp as he had previously claimed in a series of grainy meth fueled ramblings shot atop fire blankets in the Motel 6. As I predicted at the time, the whole thing was in his head. Unfortunately when the sunlight broke through he was still the lead singer of Creed. Stapp feels lucky to be alive after entering rehab, where he was diagnosed as being bipolar, which is a genetic disorder brought on by years of using meth and being a leather pants clad smelly asshole:

“I was hallucinating. I drove around the United States for a month, following an angel that I saw on the hood of my car. In my delusional thinking, I thought my family was involved in ISIS, and that millions of dollars had been taken from me to support terrorism. All of it was nonsense. I was out of my mind.”

That’s fucking great. I get pulled over for having an oversized license plate frame as Scott Stapp speeds past me on the 5 guided by the angel of Cory Haim. After checking his bank account and assessing the damage, Stapp’s wife gladly welcomed him home so long as he wear a shock collar. It’s great to have him back. I guess. Jesus, take the wheel. Daddy’s got somewhere to be.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Lena Dunham Makes Good

By Matt May 14, 2015 @ 7:22 AM

KIRKE

After posting photos of her muffin top oozing out of her leggings and repeated photos of her dog eating beef pho, Lena Dunham decided on an insurance policy and put up a photo of her Girls co-star Jemima Kirke in her panties. Even hard core punk bands who threw jars of piss at their audience occasionally put out a radio friendly song. At least the ones who lasted. Dunham probably recognizes there’s a finite market for obnoxious unattractive women. Pepper in some of your cute friends and we’ll all talk about what a doll you are. Just try and stay in the back row of the photos. Your rants on the heroism of underarm hair go over much better once we’re in our refractory period laying on the couch next to your half indoctrinated gal pal from the Palisades who you haven’t yet introduced to the unjustness of blow jobs. Keep talking. I’m watching the game out of my left eye.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Fuck Her Right In The Pussy Guy Fired (VIDEO)

By Matt May 14, 2015 @ 6:43 AM

FHRITP

A few guys went out to a soccer game in Canada so they’d have a decent excuse to get loaded and one of them interrupted a TV interview by yelling “Fuck her right in the pussy” on camera. Apparently “Fuck her right in the pussy” is some new catchphrase sweeping the English speaking Canadian provinces. The female reporter went justice league and confronted the group of guys while still rolling cameras live. The fucktards defended themselves by looking smug and drunk and stupid. The reporter then goes out of her way to explain she’s been victimized by this same shoddy prank dozens of times and she finds it extremely offensive as a woman, a reporter, and somebody who’s on soccer game duty which is below five other Canadian sports you’ve never even heard of.

The skinny guy in the background is Shawn Simoes, who had a well paying job with a Canadian power company up until this point. Although Simoes’ buddy was the one who screamed out the phrase that pays, the reporter attempts to badger everyone in the group into remorse. She then gets a little personal, and asks Simoes if his mother would approve of his actions:

“Oh my mom would die laughing eventually.”

Apparently Simoes doesn’t know his own mother as well as the stranger with the microphone. Nor is he aware that all moms have no sense of humor about pussies because this is Victorian England or the Nazis won. Simoes was fired from his job at the power company. Hydro One released the following statement:

“Respect for all people is engrained in the Code of Conduct and in our Core Values and we are committed to a work environment where discrimination or harassment of any kind is met with zero tolerance.”

The underlying issue isn’t discrimination. Chicks do indeed get fucked in their pussies. Even Simoes’ mom and God willing, one day, Bruce Jenner. It’s foul mouthed but it’s not discrimination. Also, he’s clearly not at work. I understand you don’t want your employees getting drunk on the weekends and hanging around douchebags yelling stupid shit out at ballgames, but probably 70% of them do. Are you going to fire all of them? At best I fire the Fuck her right in the pussy guy because I hate his face. Everybody else skates. The reporter wins an award because she just does. And soccer is officially done in Canada. It really doesn’t belong north of the equator.

Ashley Graham Celebrates Diversity

By Matt May 14, 2015 @ 6:16 AM

ADNA

Plus sized model Ashley Graham’s business card reads that she’s the first plus sized model to appear in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. While technically true, this is disingenuous because she was only featured in an advertisement for bras and panties which hide your gunt and back fat. Her newest venture is working with a modeling collective called ALDA which aims to celebrate diversity in the world of modeling.

“ALDA is a new collective of models that represents beauty without divisions, boundaries, and – most importantly – beauty that doesn’t conform to any body shape or size.”

Yeah this photo has all the diversity of a Yahtzee. The world is a beautiful place, full of many different species of birds, flowers, and good looking women anywhere from a size 8-13. God sat proud on that seventh day, save for wondering why he made petite women who everyone wants to fuck at bars. You put the chunkiest ones as bookends, for that I have to salute you. It’s a crazy mixed up world. With any luck, ALDA will make sure women of all shapes and sizes get a chance to glorify themselves, but mostly those on the heavy side. I’ll take a Frosty.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Angelique Morgan And Ana Braga in Bikinis

By Lex May 13, 2015 @ 1:02 PM

Angelique Morgan And Ana Braga Pink Bikinis In Miami
There’s a social theory that like minded individuals will eventually seek each other out and coalesce into groups. Craigslist has expedited this process with their Metrosexual Males Married to Kendra Wilkinson Seeking Curious Tranny Bottoms Into Tennis personals sections. You can type in the four most secretly shameful things about yourself and be connected to a klatch that meets at Carrow’s every other Thursday. I think that’s how these two girls met on the beach. Inflated bleached blonde sisters from foreign lands just trying to make it in America without specific industry codes. Just select ‘other’. When immigration comes knocking, slip on these pink thongs. I’ve seen the deportation lines. Nobody looks like you.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet