Kendra Sunderland Opens Up

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 8:05 AM

Kendra

Kendra Sunderland, who was busted for getting herself off in the Oregon State University library, has been doing well since the incident. Not in the sense she enrolled in school or a therapy program, but she has a budding career in competitive field of being a web cam girl. No word on whether she bought the ashtray yet. She will be posing in Penthouse and doing cam work for their parent company FriendFinder on her website PlayWithKendra.com which features Sunderland repeatedly degrading herself for men with bitcoin fortunes:

“Some guy asked me to lick the bottom of my shoe and slobber all over it. He’s paying me to do that, so I tried to play it off and pretend like I was doing it, and he’s like, ‘No, no really get in there,’ and I said ‘OK bye!”

Yeah fuck that guy he already paid. You’re not going to prosper with this attitude. Desperate men need a snotty cam girl with a ton of hang ups just like they need their strippers to lecture them on the evils of dog muzzles whilst getting a lap dance. At this rate I’d give her a few months of profitable diddling followed by a tour of DeVry. Snap a pick of the president’s Swingline in your snatch in the Oval Office. Until then you’re dead to me. Mostly because I’m broke..

Photo Credit: PlayWithKendra.com

Hugh Jackman Celebrates Best Wife Ever

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 7:35 AM

jack

Hugh Jackman and his wife celebrated the nineteenth anniversary of their exceedingly convenient marriage. It’s a known fact anyone not questioning themselves spends their time on Broadway talking a ton of shit and then making up for their behavior with an overpriced dinner and not relishing the opportunity to prance around like Tinker Bell on steroids. Couple that with what is clearly a body dysmorphia and we’re looking at a solid pre-nup. It should be noted Jackman’s wife is also older than him and he’s way too into her for it to be real. If he’d been caught in a hotel room banging the mute coed from SUNY volleyball team the marriage would be more believable. Ponder that, wives, the next time you catch your husband with another girl. At least he’s not borrowing your dresses when you’re gone and calling himself Lisbeth. Jackman also personally designed their wedding rings and probably had a few moments during the process where he wept and fanned himself with a starched cumber bun. You’re trying too hard. Famous handsome dudes who can get unlimited ass don’t last on their starter marriage. At least they have an arrangement and it doesn’t include selfies or hand written poetry.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Zara Larsson Expert On Dick

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

Condom

Seventeen year old Swedish singer Zara Larsson is being hailed a hero because she put a condom on her leg. Apparently Larsson knows a ton of dudes who claim their dicks are too big to wear condoms which is a good one I might have to try it. If you’re seventeen and your biggest problem in life is too many sexual partners trying to bareback you, you probably don’t have real problems. I’m inclined to believe this scenario doesn’t happen often and she’s probably repeating some stupid storyline from Girls. She captioned the photo with:

“To all the guys saying “my dick is too big for condoms” TAKE A SEAT.””

There are a few logistical differences I could point out to Zara in person in great detail with a laser pointer depending on the age of consent in Sweden. Namely, dudes’ dicks aren’t shaped like parking cones and that thing is going to snap any second and your leg is going to get herpes. Larsson to her credit doesn’t take herself too seriously and brushed off the fem praise as the rabid misplaced aggression that it is:

“I did it as a fun thing only. Then I see how newspapers write about what feminist genius I am!… What becomes problematic here is that I’m really not a feminist genius… I, personally, do not consider myself to be some kind of Holy Mary of feminism…”

Kudos to you Zara. You might be the perfect woman. If not for the whole condom thing. Good luck testing your theory on the front line of the Lakers once you relocate stateside. Send me the grainy cell phone footage and be sure to cc: Consumer Reports.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Mary Kay Letourneau Statutory Rape Gone Good

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

LEt

Barbara Walters dredged up Mary Kay Letourneau so she could discuss raping her middle school student who would become her baby daddy. Rape is a bit of a strong word, more delicately rode his pubescent cock to milkshake town. The kid, Vili Fualaau, was so traumatized he suffered irreparable shoulder damage from high fiving his peers and promptly married Letourneau once she got out of prison. They now have two teenage daughters who they might want to home school. Would this be wrong if it was a grown man and a twelve year old girl? Absolutely. That dude should be shot on sight. We’ll take that double standard, after all they’re our penises. Letourneau was no doubt an extremely fucked up chick acting out some repressed demons. So are half the chicks who will date you. If you think your girlfriend lighting your clothes on fire because an attractive girl started working at your office is the craziest thing she’ll ever do, you’re not ready for a relationship. Just keep an eye out of your nephews. They’re going to want to be the first kid in school to have sex, but they’re not necessarily going to want to be dads at thirteen.

Photo Credit: TheCriminalMind/Youtube

Hilaria Baldwin Unclear Motivation

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 6:05 AM

Bald

Alec Baldwin’s weird attention seeking dubiously employed fake Spanish wife posted a photo of herself in lingerie with a baby inside her. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to masturbate or salute her for letting an angry old man squirt inside her. More than likely Baldwin will receive undying praise from a gaggle of Instagram yentas dying to tell her how beautiful this is. Aren’t these the same chicks who drive dog hair encrusted Subaru Outbacks and dine on vegan banh mi while pumping Joni Mitchell’s rock opera about Morgellons? Maybe their tastes are off. Basically anything less than sexy and you’ve got a thumbs up. Men are pigs. Why give them the satisfaction of your non distended abdomen? This is nature. So is shitting out beet juice but I’ll pass on the photos.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jaden Smith Doesn’t Believe In Gender

By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 1:16 PM

Jaden Smith Doesn't Believe In Gender
The expansive unlimited crystal powered creative space of Jaden Smith is not limited by binary thinking. Much like David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Jared Leto, Kanye West and other boundary pushing musicians, Jaden Smith has begun experimenting with androgynous styles and wearing women’s clothes. These other dress wearing musicians actually created popular music as opposed to merely being a spoiled teen from Hidden Hills who need a shed talk from a gruff uncle and some chores.

Jaden Smith can do as he pleases since he doesn’t go to school and has money and his parents believe he’s the second son of the second son of Xenu. He’s never going to get beat down or ridiculed or bullied, which seems like a good thing, until you spend five minutes with him talking about the summer dresses at Forever 21, then you’ll just want to punch something innocent. Nature has a way of course correcting. This one should be good.

Photo Credit: Instagram/FameFlynet

RFK Jr. Declares Vaccines the Next Holocaust

By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 12:35 PM

Robert-Jennedy-Jr-Book-on-Vaccines-and-Autism
The Holocaust is the third rail of the rest of the universe. People who reference it in metaphor are routinely zapped. One-hundred plus black men shot to death by cops each year. A racial Holocaust. Nope. Slaughter in Southern Sudan, a minor genocide at best. Even Holocausts in Southeast Asia aren’t Holocausts. Just find another word. Robert Kennedy Jr. took a break from banging the sitter to declare vaccines the next Holocaust at an anti-vaxxer documentary film screening in Sacramento:

“They get the shot, that night they have a fever of a hundred and three, they go to sleep, and three months later their brain is gone,. This is a holocaust, what this is doing to our country.”

The book you’re selling and that hyperbole might work wonders on the women you were doinking while your wife was swinging from a rope, but it’s not supported by science. Kennedy’s comments were directed at California State legislators debating whether to make it tougher for wealthy white parents to send their unvaccinated kids to public schools with the ‘personal faith’ exemption, as in, I have faith that RFK Jr. and my coffee klatch Facebook shares have more medical relevancy than double blind research studies. This is the price we pay waiting for Kennedys to kill themselves.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Don’t Cry For Me Justin Bieber And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 10, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

468182786

A judge in Argentina has issued an arrest warrant for Justin Bieber. It’s because of an assault charge from last year. If there is a God that walking shit-eating grin will end up in an Argentine jail getting plowed by a guacho.

Read all about Justin’s latest troubles. (TMZ)

Scantily clad chicks on beds. That is all. (The Chive)

Look up Jennifer Nicole Lee’s skirt and enjoy her booty cheeks. (Egotastic)

Selena Gomez has killer cleav in a sexy swimsuit. (Huffington Post)

Brooke Nash has some fabulous tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Chloe Goodman’s sideboob is a very good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Edita Vilkeviciutes in lingerie will melt your eyeballs. (Popoholic)