By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
Dutch Outlaw Bikers have motored down to Northern Iraq and Syria to go kill some fucking ISIS jihadists. They’re not being compensated, they just found an amazingly low cost adventure vacation. The Dutch government wanted to show that they’re not as pussy or Muslim influenced as their French neighbors so they retroactively decided to look the other way on their law that says their citizens can’t just go to other countries and start spraying bullets at people, even wicked bad dudes in turbans.
“Joining a foreign armed force was previously punishable. Now it’s no longer forbidden. You just can’t join a fight against the Netherlands” — Wim de Bruin, spokesman for the Dutch public prosecutor.
That seems fair enough. Blood thirsty mercenaries and fat middle aged dudes with Harleys and Kalashnikovs have historically done some of the dirty work that official governments are too politically sack-less to pursue. The U.S. will sanction the high in the sky bombing of potential Islamic State bunkers, but are they willing to plop a couple hundred tatted guys on the ground with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a sawed off shotgun in the other? Reagan might have.
Photo Credit: No Surrender Biker Gang on Twitter
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 1:04 PM
Iggy Azalea’s cleft looks primed for war. Her vulva ate right through her shorts looking for some kind of firearm to bring to bear upon Snoop Dogg for calling her an ugly albino no talent bitch. She’s hardly an albino. I wish some people would use the dictionary before making accusations.
Bullets ain’t got no name, Snoop. Neither do ginned up and pissed off vaginas. The next sight we see might be a pair of Chuck Taylor’s sucked last but not least up into that retractable python jaw. That’s no way for a man go to out of this world. But I hope he films it for Vine.
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 12:02 PM
For the men who live entirely for their high school reunions, and you know who you are, you could do worse than showing up with 50 Cent’s baby mama to the next Holiday Inn assembly. Imagine the desperately jealous looks on the faces of the Cobra Kai aryans who emasculated you in the halls. When they ask you how you met, say you fucked Fitty’s bitch at the club then made her give up her baby to be your full time cooze. They will finally know that all their taunts and bullying couldn’t keep a good man down. Hand them your realtor’s business card and tell them they better call you when they consider buying or you will fuck them up something serious. You have won.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 11:38 AM
I’ve never done shit by popular demand. I don’t care to be popular. I’m mildly dyslexic, which means I hate the world for making me an ogre. But when a bunch of you including one girl who is all that really matters asked to see Jason Biggs peeing on Chelsea Handler’s head, fuck, why not.
I was going to read the amusing backstory that goes with this whizzing moment, but I knew it would only ruin for me what I can more blindly categorize as a dipshit pissing on a human urinal cake. Now I can have a good laugh, but backwards since I’m mildly dyslexic like Rex Ryan and Cher and a bunch of other famous dudes who have trouble getting laid.
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 10:31 AM
Sylvie Meis is that Dutch lingerie model whose soccer player husband dumped her because cancer left her unable to make any additional babies. That seems fair. Many lesser men would just stick with the marriage and bitterly call their wife that barren cancer bitch behind her back to all his steam room buddies. Other guys would get drunk and kick their wife in the Hasselbeck while cursing God for not giving them more biological reproductions. But this dude was plain, honest, and forthright. Sylvie Meis applauded how polite her husband was in ditching her because of her forsaken lady cancer. And when he hooked up with her former best friend and knocked a baby into her, Sylvie was downright happy for them both. This is precisely why you need to treat your children extra poorly during rearing. They grow up to be super understanding adults.
Photo Credit: Dessous
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 9:28 AM
When Lady Gaga sings at a hipster shoe store in Brooklyn, it’s record company promotional kitsch. If you’re Rumer Willis, it’s the best gig you can book. Being the oldest Willis daughter, Rumer decided it was time she pretended to have a job. She chose singer from the list of options in the back of her What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up coloring book. And why not. Singers are cool and bold and make people happy. As do high class escorts who also then have the money to buy shit in the store as opposed to just crooning from aside the hot boots display case. I give Rumer credit for not choosing Topless Activist or Wayward Drunk like her sisters when they leafed through the same coloring book. If she keeps skipping the bras, there’s no reason Rumer can’t be doing sets for the customers in the pharmacy lines at CVS soon enough.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 9:13 AM
It’s hard to pinpoint when the government begrudgingly admits it has no idea how to handle a problem. But you could go with the moment the Commander in Chief announces he’s naming a Czar to handle the situation. Obama named an Ebola Czar this morning and you could hear billions of microscopic West African viral cells kind of giggling. Naming a Presidential Czar is like telling your girlfriend you’re going to change. It makes everybody feel better for about five minutes, maybe buys you one more toss in the sock, then in the morning everybody realizes it’s just an empty gesture. This as opposed to telling your girlfriend that you’re going to ban travel to and from the three West African nations where 99.5% of all Ebola cases originate.
“It may make sense for us to have one person … so that after this initial surge of activity, we can have a more regular process just to make sure that we’re crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s going forward,” — Handsomest President ever
By crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s, Obama might be minimizing the fact that absolutely not a single effectual step has been taken to date. Until now. President Obama named political hack Ron Klain to be the new Ebola Czar this morning. I don’t follow politics too much because I find it as boring as watching toxic paint dry while I inhale the fumes and slowly macerate my brain with lead, but I remembered that name from somewhere. He was the dude who frantically ran around Florida in 2000 heading up the Gore recount efforts. So, the guy who screamed a lot and then famously lost. Consider this nut cracked.
If serious speeches and agreeing to fund bowling museums in Midwestern towns can’t solve this Hot Zone crisis, nothing can. Okay, maybe more of those canisters they keep using to spray down infected people’s apartments might also help. We’re going to need a ton more canisters.
Photo: That’s Ron Klain and Kevin Spacey who played him in the HBO movie Recount about the 2000 election. If Kevin Spacey played you in a movie, you can’t fucking lose. (Getty Images)
By Matt October 17, 2014 @ 7:23 AM
War Machine attempted to strangle himself with a bed sheet while in jail cell awaiting trial on badly assaulting his girlfriend charges and must have tapped out before a prison guard cut him free. His lawyers clearly told him he’s legally fucked for about the next thirty years. On the bright side, if you happen to be obsessed with physical violence and dude fucking, you really couldn’t pick a better place to spend your days than state prison.
War Machine specialized in knocking out people weaker than him, so it’s surprising he couldn’t figure out how to sucker hang himself. All you need is to get drunk, shine one of those prison mirrors against the bars and throw a haymaker. One of your two parties will lose. At that point you can try and jam your finger up your own ass and throw that homemade noose around your neck. War Machine left a note most likely explaining what a badass he was to the very end. It’s got to be disheartening ultimately knowing you’re not as committed as the Cleveland kidnapper.
Photo Credit: Twitter