Justin Bieber Goes To Walmart

By Jack April 07, 2014 @ 3:18 PM

Pug-faced troll doll Justin Bieber can add wrecking a Walmart to his douchey resume. It seems that the tiny tyke was visiting his home town of Stratford, Ontario when he decided to go to the town’s center of arts and culture: Walmart. Then, according to an eyewitness, Bieber totally wrecked the place. He and his thirty person entourage showed up at the discount store and bounced balls in the toy department, opened food they didn’t pay for, sexually harassed the mouth breathing trollops, and generally behaved like assholes. The good folks at Walmart decided to just let Justin have his fun since Bieber is like a little midget god unto the people of Stratford. This is kind of like the old bull in the china shop bit, but the bull is a short privileged lesbian and the china shop is box store with very low self esteem.

It’s Good to Be Rich and Bang Young Models Until One Shoots You in the Head

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 2:56 PM

Mayka Marica Kukocova In A Bikini At The Beach
There’s an unfortunate lesson in here somewhere, so pay attention. Andy Bush made a shitload of cash running jewelry stores in England. So he divorced his wife and started banging young hot foreign models. It’s all in the middle-aged rich dude operating manual if you read it. I guess he recently traded out one named Mayka Marica Kukocova for a replacement and like all models with three hard to pronounce names, she waited in hiding for a week at his Spanish villa to shoot him in the head. Now there’s an international manhunt for Kukocova, with manhunt probably being the very last word feminists seek to make gender neutral. She’s believed to be in Morocco, which would make her the only tall hot blonde in the country not named Gywneth Paltrow dry humping her new boyfriend away from the hounding paparazzi. They should just shoot all tall blondes in the country to be sure. Oh, yeah, the lesson. You can’t have much sex when you’re dead.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Sophie Turner Arrested For Domestic Violence

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 2:33 PM

Sophie Turner In Lingerie

Apparently, it’s illegal to beat up your husband because he’s pissed you took off your wedding ring and spent the night in Jeremy Piven’s hotel room. Sophie Turner isn’t the first hot model to pretend she’s single. Women might love to hear other women talk about how romantic their husband is, but men mostly want to imagine these girls live by themselves in a condo filled with crotchless panties and sex toys and that they’re super lonely for some inexplicable reason easy enough to gloss over in the frenzy of masturbation. Sophie Turner’s secret husband got all all bitchy about Sophie rubbing Jeremy’s toupee across her intimate parts and she did what any wife would when confronted with a Piven affair, she gave her husband a good beat down. I’m not sure I’d call the cops if my wife beat me up while still stinking of Piven sauce, but hers did. Now she’s got a restraining order against her until this shit gets sorted out. And, by sorted out, I mean somebody reminds the husband you don’t want a permanent public record of your wife kicking your ass. It’s embarrassing. There are all kinds of double standards women have to deal with, this is one for the menfolk. Obviously, you can’t ever be with a woman after the twin humiliations of a a smackdown and Piven goop, so just drop the charges and divorce her and move on. Then change the story to how your wife caught you banging Emmanuelle Chriqui. In five years time, people will be confused enough to start remembering it that way and you’ll seem kind of cool again. Even though you’ll still be a huge pussy deep down.

Photo Credit: Sophie Turner/Facebook

Andy Cohen Cruises Tindr For Man Meat

By Jack April 07, 2014 @ 1:02 PM

Bravo’s openly super gay Andy Cohen admitted on the Tonight Show that he uses Tindr to find his latest boy toys. The Watch What Happens Live star is a big wig in the world of shitty reality TV shows about screaming New Jersey drag queens. He’s also a notoriously promiscuous cocksman with a taste for tender squire meat. But where is a top TV executive going to meet that special someone for 15 minutes of rub and tug on such a busy schedule?

“Guess what, I can’t believe you said that, because I got on Tinder the other day. I really did. It’s crazy. I’ve been doing a lot of swiping. You look and if you like, you hit like.”

I’ve known a few guys who’ve worked for Andy in the past and they all have various tales of a highly confident gay dick swinger. One former employee told me that Andy once bribed his way into his hotel room and spread himself naked on the bed waiting for this dude to arrive. When he got there, Andy reportedly said, “You can do whatever you want with me!” Another told me of mass orgies in his pool at his home in the Hamptons that rival the last days of Sodom. I have no way of independently verifying their stories, well, I do, but I’m not going to. And to the bigger point — who cares? If Andy were a mega-whoring powerful female boss chick banging the crap out of willing employees, I’d applaud. If I was the victim of her office place sexual extortion. I’d keep quiet and allow myself to be assaulted daily in the copy room. If Andy Cohen wants to Caligula through the New York media establishment, all the power to him. I’d rather he spend his time in the sweaty rectum clinch than making more insipid shows about drunken middle-aged wives of men with deeply stretched credit.

Faith Hill Frozen Face Is Creeping Me Out

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 12:42 PM

Faith Hill Frozen Botox Face At The Country Music Awards In Las Vegas
Instead of telling your kids that if they make a stupid face, they might get stuck with it forever, just whip out a picture of Faith Hill, point to it emphatically, and say, do you fucking want that for the rest of your life? Then make up some passage from the bible that forbids having botulism shot into your grill until you could taser your own face without so much as a cheek muscle twitch. Fuck, Faith Hill. I think she used to be good looking in that perfect girl you wanted to bang in high school for being so perfect kind of way. Now she just looks like she’d go bad if you don’t store her in a cool, dry area of your home. It’s creepy the way her eyes seem to follow you. Make the bad thing go away, Mother.

Photo Credit: Getty, FameFlynet

Taylor Swift’s Leg Appeared At The ACM Awards

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Taylor Swift showed up to the American Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night to pretend that she’s still a country music star at an event packed with people who probably loathe and resent her crossover success. While she didn’t win any ACM awards, she might have received a few standing ovations from redneck perverts for wearing a dress that showed off her entire left leg. She also made friends with George Strait, who beat Taylor for Entertainer of the Year, and there’s a very good chance that they’re dating now. If anything, it’ll give her plenty of material for a new album, including the eventual hit single, “Sittin’ on Grandpa’s Stick Shift.”

Photo Credits: Getty

Kourtney Kardashian Showed Us How Douche Babies Are Made

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Ever the romantic of her family, and also the sister that didn’t become famous by getting drilled by Ray J on camera or drive her husband to ruin his NBA career because he just loved crack too much, Kourtney Kardashian recently shared a photo of her and Scott Disick in their younger days. The quietest of the Kardashian sisters described this classy and romantic image of her and Scott with the message “crazy in love,” which is just so inspiring and adorable to see from two people so strangely famous for not doing anything noteworthy in their lives. Meanwhile, Scott probably described that photo as the time he “got his dick ruined while rocking a pretty epic pair of cargo shorts,” because he’s Lord Disick now, and not at all a clueless, narcissistic douchebag anymore.

Photo Credit: Kourtney Kardashian’s Instagram

Miley Cyrus Already Replaced Her Dead Dog

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Miley Cyrus claims that she’s been left devastated by the death of her dog, Floyd, after he was reportedly snatched away in the night by coyotes, and she’s been coping with the loss by crying about it on Twitter and at her recent shows. The horny, pot-loving singer has even dedicated renditions of Floyd’s favorite songs to him during her shows, all for the sake of helping her cope with the gigantic hole in her heart. She also got a new dog that she was spotted with in New York yesterday, after her show on Saturday night, where she was so depressed that she could barely grind on a car hood without breaking down.

While the coyotes are probably still sleeping off their meal, Miley’s mom thought it would be a good idea to replace Floyd with another dog, and that’s just fine parenting right there. In fact, I can’t wait until Miley finally decides to have a baby, forgets it at a truck stop and then decides to adopt another one to replace it. If anything, that original baby will probably grow up to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus.

Photo Credits: Getty