Fresh off her arrest for air rage, Tory Lane took her tits to the tanning salon and posted some revealing selfies. In terms of legal defenses, this is a Clarence Darrow level move. If she didn’t cut off her boyfriend’s dick or kill a White, Non-Hispanic child, those yabbos are the Get Out of Jail Free Card. So she beat up a flight attendant. They’ll make more. Selma had their bridge. Tory Lane has her tits. Get on board the right side of this issue or find yourself on the wrong side of a John Legend song.
Puffy faced former WWE star Chyna posted a video of herself twerking while high on muscle relaxers as another cry for help. Chyna’s Twitter account is a running exercise in morbid exhibitionism. Mundane video blogs about tampons and strung out musings on birch bark to be used as cutaways on a Real Sports segment about how fucked up pro wrestlers are. Keep it in the can, we’ll run out of shit one of these days. Back Door to Chyna set the bar at sad. If that didn’t inspire an intervention then your friends either don’t like you or are just too fucked up to move. Save it for Dr Phil but I’m not buying your book. Your socks are dirty.
Eddie Murphy was supposed to do a Bill Cosby impression on Celebrity Jeopardy for SNL’s 40th anniversary show. Instead he bailed on it and decided to awkwardly stand on stage for a 80 seconds leading to speculation that he lost his Mojo in 1989. Cosby was grateful for Murphy lacking of a sense of humor and issued a statement to ABC News thanking Murphy:
“I am very appreciative of Eddie and I applaud his actions.”
Translation, I won’t disclose that time we spiked those two trannies with laughing gas at the Rio and here’s the password to my HBO GO for your troubles. Norm MacDonald initially revealed Murphy’s intentions through his Aspergers dictated Twitter account which he uses to live tweet ten hour golf tournaments play by play:
“Eddie decides the laughs are not worth it. He will not kick a man when he is down.”
Class act. It’s all good to make fun of your average fat person or the blind Stevie Wonder but why get nasty with an algebraically proven serial rapist? Next thing you know comedians will be making fun of embattled world leaders and celebrities like is the entire point of the show. There’s more than one dude in a wig in Eddie’s closet. Thanks for digging that hole in the desert.
Danica Patrick was caught on camera giving it to fellow driver Denny Hamlin, who hit her car and caused her to spin off the track at Daytona. The stale exchange reeked of reality television and had all the sincerity of a late wedding invitation. This is typically the case when two supposedly angry people have a back and forth conversation in front of a dozen cameras without dropping any F bombs. Patrick apparently wants to cruise around peacefully as an under-qualified marketing ploy and doesn’t like when other drivers get next to her car. These assholes don’t understand it’s her birth right to drive a highly coveted vehicle around in circles. Her position has nothing to do with her willingness to strap on a thong for sponsors. She’s the best person for the job not counting the guys who were better. That stereotype of women not being able to drive should be put to bed. They can drive. Just not as well.
Every time you accidentally catch a glimpse of TMZ they’re reporting on a member of this family crashing a vehicle. Given this group is patently uninteresting and in desperate need of material I think it’s fair to posit they’re doing it on purpose like when a dog shits on the floor for attention. Kim, Khloe, Kylie were in Montana where they were supposedly skiing but were probably filming boring television on skis and constantly referencing that it’s cold out like we don’t get it. Their vehicle apparently skidded into oncoming traffic and swerved off the road but unfortunately nobody was hurt. Either TMZ has a source in Billings or these people are reporting their car accidents to tabloids before the police. Kim then alluded to the episode on Instagram:
“Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe.”
Actually your step fatherette just killed a person who doesn’t pray via social media. Maybe it’s all just random. Possibly skewed the other way towards premeditated. Banging black guys is no longer shocking. A fender bender is always a solid plot device. The shark has jumped over the mountain. If your family dies in a fiery blaze the funeral episode will be your highest rated. Something to think about. Just keep the bystanders out of it. They can still be saved.
Uber lesbian political commentator and Gary Busey impersonator Sally Kohn wrote an inflammatory op-ed in the Washington Post about how she’s disappointed her school aged daughter likes boys. This should direct enough hatred to her Twitter account to keep her busy the next few months explaining to people how they misunderstood her. Kohn’s basic point is that all parents have ideals set forth for a child and she shouldn’t have to apologize because she wants he kid to lick twat once she hits puberty:
“I’m gay. And I want my kid to be gay, too.”
Kohn is attempting to take the gay rights movement full circle. She won’t stop until it’s acceptable to spit on activists. In her warped and self-obsessed essay Kohn reveals she is putting pressure on her oblivious daughter like a crazed sports parent except weirder:
“When my daughter plays house with her stuffed koala bears as the mom and dad, we gently remind her that they could be a dad and dad.”
Leave your kid the fuck alone. Since when does the Washington Post give deranged trolls a mouthpiece? Sales are down. Give me ten pages on chem trails I have some thoughts. Kohn’s only cultural contribution is proving equality by proxy. Some gay people are fucking cunts. That We Shall Oversome thing is looking more like let’s all give up together.
Award winning porn actress Tory Lane got arrested on a fight from Atlanta to LAX for going full berserker. No doubt this will be explained as a bad reaction to Ambien similar to Paris Hilton’s little brother, Dipshit Hilton, punching a flight attendant and calling everybody in economy class ‘fucking peasants’. Lane was out of her mind screaming and kicking fellow passengers, so not much different than the typical kids on the flight, only unlike those crying babies, she’s actually contributed something positive to the world.
The flight crew finally restrained Lane to her seat. Cops came on board after the flight arrived in Los Angeles and Lane punched several of them as well. That’s the kind of commitment only a woman who’s taken a thousand cocks in her ass truly can. The authorities took Tory Lane to bad girl jail where she is no doubt sucking a ponytailed guard’s dick through the bars while a chick in for shoplifting is fingering Lane’s distended starfish stomach like labia. You can’t actually punish porn stars.
Kanye’s Yeezy Badger Vagina Booties show didn’t go over so well at Fashion Week. This according to every person who willingly calls themselves a fashion expert without fear of being called undatable. Despite his best efforts to bring out a parade of pederastic treats in his Caligula inspired suede Adidas, all the snobs who matter turned their nose up at his cobbling work. This included the very chick who started Fashion Week who declared herself over Kanye. That’s like Michael Jordan coming to your high school game just to let you know you’ll never make it.
Kanye went onto to Twitter to defend his design prowess and to blame his lack of acceptance on being too awesomely famous for his groundbreaking music. This echoes the sentiment of Kendall Jenner who claimed to be unaccepted on the modeling side because of her TV fame and long list of Arabic import export sponsors. She dropped her last name in an effort to confuse people. Kanye already only goes by Kanye. Perhaps a mustache and a wig. Also, not producing crappy porn booties. And kissing ass. You’re not gay, you’re just weird. One more mountain to climb.