By Jack March 03, 2014 @ 2:14 PM
The crypto-Commie fuckers in the Venezuelan government think that Hollywood is out to get them. That’s because a couple of times during last night’s Oscars, Hollywood ceased auto-fellatio mode long enough to show support for anti-government protesters in Venezuela. There have been mass demonstrations, (or as we call them in America: scary CNN riots), over the continuing mismanagement of the government by the faltering Maduro government. But according to the Minister of Communications Delcy Rodriguez, it’s just a conspiracy by right wing extremists in Hollywood to defame poor little Venezuela. She says,
“Extremists of the right are lobbying in Hollywood looking for statements against Venezuela during the Oscar awards ceremony. This worldwide smear campaign against our Fatherland enjoys the support of a powerful media platform at the service of imperial interests!”
I’m afraid Delcy flunked out of socialist dictator apologist school. Yes, Delcy, if that is your real fake Che Guevara inspired name, Jared Leto is a conservative firebrand in America. He’s just to the right of the Duck Commander. 30 Seconds to Mars is his cover for spreading the neo-con imperialist message to control Latin America through the Dole Fruit company. Also, are you really using the term Fatherland to promote your nation? Was Third Reich not available as a Venezuelan dot com domain? This kind of makes it official, I’m un-following Venezuela on Twitter and Facebook until this chick gets beheaded.
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
The Independent Spirit Awards are held every year the day before The Oscars so Hollywood can pretend their works of true art aren’t shat out by the exact same corporate entities that pay the bills with Transformers and Ride Along. Everybody plays their part by downplaying their plastic surgery and leafing through the Helena Bonham Carter catalog of Lost Boys wardrobe for their Bohemian designer gowns. Brie Larson wasn’t half bad in 21 Jump Street, but she calls herself a poet, which means I’m obliged to feel the need to kick her in the shins. She got a dress made for her by some Italian sounding place that didn’t anticipate her showing the crowd that even poets shave their armpits for big occasions. She came very close to showing off her indie spirit. This was Hollywood’s Arab Spring.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 1:33 PM
If you’re throwing a The AIDS party, you’ve just got to have Kim Kardashian. The kung-fu gripping porn star made her way back from hooking across the European continent in time to celebrate with a bunch of other girls who have no chance of ever showing off their tits on the actual Oscar stage. For kickers, Kim brought along her trainable sisters who completely unwittingly formed the shape of an HIV lentivirus, leading to the first smile of the evening from the guy from The AIDS Foundation who bites his tongue once a year at this party of nitwits so he can keep his funding.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Travis March 03, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
There were no Oscar parties for Shia LaBeouf this weekend, as the most annoying asshole in show business continued his surprisingly normal trend of dressing like a lower class loser and buying stuff from random convenience stores. There’s a chance he might have been on his way to some kind of industry event, though, because he didn’t look like a homeless man who just took a shit on the floor in the frozen foods section of a Safeway as much as he looked like an unemployed, divorced dad who was on his way to see his kids for the court-approved 15 minutes before getting kicked out of a strip club for tipping with Monopoly money. This guy will be back to making Indiana Jones movies in no time.
Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/WENN.com
By Travis March 03, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
There’s no other reason for a really wealthy man to walk around on Miami Beach with no shirt on and two stupid little dogs on leashes than to try to get laid. Simon Cowell may love telling people how much he enjoys being a father for the first time, but he’s clearly missing the days that he could bring random women on to his yacht to stroke his chest hair while he fed them the meat of endangered baby animals. Otherwise he would have paid an old Cuban person a crisp one dollar bill to take these little rat dogs out for a dump, while he continued to convince Lauren Silverman that they should break up another guy’s marriage just so they can have a threesome in front of him while he cries.
Photo Credits: KEYPIXX/WENN.com
By Travis March 03, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Liza Minnelli attended the Academy Awards last night because her mother, Judy Garland, was being honored for some reason, and what better way to pay tribute to the woman who gave birth to you 67 years ago than by going commando? Liza’s decision to not wear a bra to the Oscars not only left her tits looking like the lowest branches on a weeping willow, but what made the whole thing really come together was that fact that her nipples clung to the material like a frightened child, and that gave us all a perfect look at her big old lady milk saucers. Speaking of the kids, somewhere, a young boy was probably watching the show with his parents, and he caught a glimpse of Liza when they showed her on the red carpet or in the audience, and those nipples are the first that he’d ever see in his life. And that, friends, is how Broadway’s engine keeps running.
Photo Credits: Adriana M. Barraza/WENN.com
By Lex March 02, 2014 @ 11:20 PM
Maybe it was all the concern over the rain or staving off the they’re-not-all-Muslim terrorists, but Academy Awards security completely missed this chick strolling right down the red carpet at the Academy Awards tonight. She wasn’t all that hard to spot, given her bright blue dress, and the fact she was the only black person in attendance. A bluetooth alert should’ve fired off in some burly dude’s earpiece. Code black! Because they’re not so clever with their codes. But, no, nothing. If Ryan Seacrest hadn’t begun shaking and pointing, this woman of color could’ve smiled her way into Hollywood’s biggest night.
(Obviously, I’m kidding. This is Lupita Nyong’o. Black women portraying slaves have always had a waiver into the Oscars.)
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 7:51 PM
I get it. You’re being hurtled uncontrollably through space just like your subconscious is in turmoil over your daughter becoming another somber schoolyard tag statistic. It’s gravity that’s weighing you down woman. Holy fuck that would be a horrible movie to endure if you were blind. The Oscars are this weekend. The biggest worldwide circle jerk outside of a Peter Thiel cowboy chaps only party in SoHo. This is the weekend where people you couldn’t fucking stand in high school get the attention they’ve so desperately craved since childbirth. I can’t survive the Oscars. Technically, they’re not as bad a shit show as some of these other awards shows because they keep out the D-list riffraff, at least until the Kardashians break the gutter seal at the Al Jazerra post-Oscar party. There’s no other industry where people feel a need to be beloved so greatly for their special craft, such as it is. You won’t see plumbers taking dramatic pauses in between thanking their dead mom for believing they could swap out a sink trap. And we need plumbers. Soldiers don’t have an elaborate awards show. Army Ranger Leroy Petry got shot through both legs in Afghanistan, and when a subsequent grenade was tossed toward his team, he lurched out, grabbed it, and tossed it away as it exploded, blowing off his hand in the process. He got the Medal of Honor for being one crazy brave son of a bitch. No list of agents to thank. He didn’t say a word. Actors, emote, counter-emote, take your plump paychecks and your recreational opiates and shut the fuck up. Okay, fine, that was gratuitous.