By Lex January 19, 2015 @ 8:51 AM
Every now and then Esquire quits doing stories about the underwear men should be wearing and just shows chicks in their panties. I’ve loved this chick since I read about her securing millions from Telemundo because one of her older telenovela co-stars doinked her. It was as consensual as consensual can be when you’re sixteen and he’s thirty and you find a good lawyer to work on contingency. The statutory rape charges were settled down to a misdemeanor candy store shoplifting charge and 100 hours listening to Stephen Collins explain himself. There’s no justice like Florida justice.
Photo Credit: Esquire Mexico
By Matt January 19, 2015 @ 8:02 AM
Bill Cosby and his by-any-means-necessary attorney Marty Singer have been pretty tight lipped about this whole serial rape accusation debacle. Singer has issued the occasional discrediting jab at the lying pernicious whores would would slander his client’s stellar reputation for just a pack of gum. Cosby has joked about the general proceedings onstage to crowds of retirees on Indian reservations he plays to these days. But nothing specific until now.
Model Chloe Goins accused Cosby of saliva raping her tits and limbs at the Playboy Mansion in 2008, but apparently Singer has evidence Cosby was far away in New York that very same evening. Case closed. Can we get back to drone striking radical muslims and eliminating peanuts from the planet. Goins discredited accusation should certainly cast doubt on the other 28 accusers the same way I should have contracted AIDS from the handrail on the subway because I shared it with a heroin junky. Maybe Goins was on a monthlong coke blitz and didn’t know Friday from November. Maybe her mind is hazy from that Spanish Fly. Whatever. Singer got one. That’s what you pay him for. I hope you have roughly thirty times that much money. You should be back in the Harrah’s ballroom in no time.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt January 19, 2015 @ 7:31 AM
I can think of several things I’d do with Amber Rose but banging her comes in somewhere between wrapping her around the field goal post for padding and cuddling her as a flotation during a tsunami. I don’t understand how it’s possible to buy pants more wide than long and still walk instead of roll serpentine. I’m not sure if Rose would garner more attention in a Wiz Khalifa greenroom or a cabin with the Donner Party. That being said I bet she’d kill it in one of those potato sack races. Players don’t box out anymore. We keep replacing the toilet seats, what kind of cheap hotel is this? I have more ass jokes but they seem to be wearing thin. Like her new dungarees. Seriously it’s weird though.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 19, 2015 @ 7:05 AM
French DJ and music mixer David Guetta is divorcing his wife of over twenty years and banging a 20 year old model because celebrating with your buddies is overrated. Guetta is at the top of the heap regarding people whose name you recognize and have no idea why or what he does. He has made untold millions by setting phrased lyrics to pulsating beats and hitting play on an iPod. The guys at Shark Tank are still not buying it. I have no idea either. The divorce is affecting him on a personal level which you may see reflected in a more somber tone of leather jacket:
“A lot of things have happened in my personal life…I still love to party and have fun, and I’m full of happiness. But I’ve been through some hard stuff lately. I think you can feel it in the songs.”
Nope. The people who compose real songs have the feelings. You mix tracks and turn them up super loud for people on Special K who see the lights melting. If you want to play the artist card you should have been learning chords instead of smoking cigarettes in the gastro at age 12. Whatever, it worked out. I despise you and you’re just laughing pounding your new teen strange. One of us wins and it’s not me.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 19, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
If you’ve never watched one of David Blaine’s TV specials I’ll spare you the trouble: he’s a masochist who likes attention and also knows cool card tricks. When displaying his sleight of hand street magic he targets the lowest common denominator. Scratch that he goes for the people who barely qualify as a numerator. Blaine pulls tricks on the brown paper bag crowd and provincial tourists who’ve never seen a video camera and snap photos of the street signs. The next logical step would be models. He wowed model Chrissy Teigen while her singing husband wondered how he got past security. Pick a card. Now name the Vice President. Fuck it, name any living person. Are you listening? These are called cards. Yes it’s base ten. Are we rolling? I can’t wait until this guy’s eyes are charged with rape.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 19, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Katie Hopkins dubs herself “Britain’s Most Hated Woman” which might be true if enough people noticed. She’s kind of a cockney Howie Mandel with a vagina. At lease that’s what I thought until she recently became a personal hero. Hopkins set out to prove fat people are lazy and all they need to do to lose weight is exercise and eat less. This seems like a sound enough theory but you’d be surprised how many butterbeans with elastic drawstrings will contest this premise until they give up and start wheezing. Hopkins gained 43 pounds in 12 weeks by only exercising enough to make it to the fridge and consume massive amounts of whatever makes British people rotund and toothless.
Then she started eating normally and walking and lost the weight. This pretty much proved her common sense theory correct. Either as a scientific control or just because she’s super mean Hopkins also had four long term fat people eat less and walk with her, and everyone became less fat. Hopkins is now back to her normal weight although there’s something wrong with her face. Science wins again. I find it easier to accept basic truths than your Fat Movement. Take a walk around the block Earthquake.
By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 2:34 PM
Two girls tickling each other’s vaginas with feathers will never be wrong. I don’t care if that Charlie Hebdo terrorist fugitive chick started tonguing Joan Rivers’ cadaver, I’d watch and throw in some cash. It starts at high school parties watching girls with poor self-esteem being prodded to make out. It quickly escalates to Jenna Haze banging her onscreen horny roommate with a strap-on. Watching sex without having to see another dude’s sweaty junk. It’s inherently beautiful. Go on about your business, girls. Mom and me will be in the other room listening to our disco records.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 1:56 PM
Travis Barker and ex-wife Shanna Moakler were arrested after both of them threatened to kill the other. Six years after splitting up because both had to feel they could do better, they still live together in the same house. It’s mostly just to prove how poor they are at decision making. Also, to provide invaluable role models for their two kids. Children with a fucked up mommy and a fucked up daddy do tend to have better outcomes.
As most domestic disputes, this one began when dad wanted mom’s permission to put the kids in a reality show because once you’ve fucked yourself up enough, America insists you show your kids going to shit too before they’ll commit an hour a week. Travis laid out a few choice words for his reluctant ex-wife who doesn’t want their kids in front of the camera until they’re eighteen and can do porn legally.
You’re a fucking piece of garbage.. you cigarette smoking coke snorting bitch…. if I could I’d put a bullet in your head.
In California, it’s illegal to mention cigarettes when threatening your ex-wife. So the cops came over and arrested Travis. He told the police Moakler had threatened to have the guy she was fucking come over and beat him up. So they also arrested her on criminal threats. Both of them struggled to take selfies while in cuffs. Charges were never filed but Children and Family Services investigated so that when the kids inevitably end up dead, nobody will say, where the fuck was Children and Family Services.
Photo credit: Splash News