Suge Knight Takes All The Bullets, Chris Brown Gets None

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:03 AM

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According to Chris Brown’s posse and a number of really stupid hot models, a trained killer opened fire at Brown during his pre-VMA party at the 1OAK Nightclub in L.A.. Brown employed his extraordinary dancing skills to narrowly avoid the bullets which subsequently hit Suge Knight who is too fat to dance. Even though Brown escaped any injuries, his polite social circle were quick to insist the shots were meant for Chris. It’s crazy to think anybody would actually be trying to shoot Suge Knight at a pre-VMA party, even though that same exact thing happened at Kanye’s pre-VMA party in 2005. Suge Knight just got all perturbed at being shot so he staggered out of the club with at least two slugs in his body and headed for his Bentley.

Chris Brown’s boys quickly huddled around Brown and serpentined him back to his brightly colored Lamborghini where he slowly drove away past his former party guests smiling like a man who seems super afraid somebody is trying to kill him.  When Brown got back to his crib and had time to digest the evening’s events, as well as some weed and pussy, he Tweeted out a plea for party common sense:

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It’s a pretty common mistake to think your probation hearing judge said you should hang out with ex-cons and felons with guns and drugs and booze at late night raging parties. You should, you shouldn’t. They sound very similar. When Suge Knight wills those bullets out of his body, Chris Brown better hope he had nothing to do with this.

Donald Sterling Prefers Dudes And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 22, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

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According to momentarily famous sex troll, V. Stiviano, Donald Sterling is gay. She says that she never actually touched his shriveled up tool because he prefers the touch of another man. This contradicts other shit she’s said in the past. Could she be the world’s first dishonest whore?

Read all about V. being a beard for the old man. (Dlisted)

Jessica Hart looking hot as balls in GQ. Hot.As.Balls. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus banned in the Dominican Republic because she’s a slutty slut. (Huffington Post)

Bruce Jenner has grown an ugly pair of she-man tits. (The Superficial)

Apparently, 50 Cent is right. Floyd Mayweather can’t read good. (COED)

Bianca Gascoigne has some big ‘ol titty balls. (Hollywood Tuna)

Ashley Benson and Troian Bellisario running naked down the road? Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jessie Nizewitz Sues VH1 For Broadcasting Her Ginormous Twat

By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 11:56 AM

Jessie Nizewitz On VH1's 'Dating Naked'
At some point VH-1 figured out that modern music sucked and the good money was in never underestimating the stupidity of the TV viewing audience. Now they churn out a shit mill of heavily staged, lowest common denominator reality shows designed to make people think they’re watching something shocking. Dating Naked is one of their most noteworthy turds. Take the classic phony dating show and have all the bachelors and bachelorettes be naked. Only, we have to blur out all the nude parts because we still need to sell Kellogg’s ads. Tony the Tiger don’t go for bare twat. Only the Temple of Doom slave kids back in post-production tasked with blurring out cocks and vaginas and tits for hours on end missed the ginormous peach hole of Jessie Nizewitz. (You can see the uncensored gaper HERE, NSFW rules apply, naturally).

Jessie’s suing for big bucks to make her feel whole and less of a sideshow freak again.

My grandma saw it. I saw her this week and she didn’t have much to say to me. She’s probably mad.

Fuck, that’s worth at least five million right there. You couldn’t possibly expect that one of the unintended consequences of filming yourself playing on the beach naked for dozens of hours would ever result in the world seeing your uncovered blowhole. Jessie also mentions that the guy she was seriously dating dumped her after her brilliantly large orifice was errantly broadcast. She blames his jumping ship on the public shame. But we men know better. No dollars for that, Jessie. Especially since you just blew the ruse of being single and on a dating show looking for a boyfriend.

Photo Credit: VH1

Lady Gaga Pantless In Melbourne

By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 11:21 AM

Lady Gaga Goes Pantless Out In Melbourne
When in doubt, pull your pants down. I can’t think of an instance where it hurts. It often helps. If you happen to be a flailing pop star with scary doll face, just leave them off. Putt around Melbourne for a while and see if people don’t start declaring that Lady Gaga is back! It’ll be Australian accents, which nullifies the rest of the world from taking it seriously, but it’s still got to salve the open wound of a failing album and the onset of chub rub.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Tulisa Contostavlos In A White Bikini

By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 10:30 AM

Tulisa Contostavlos In A White Bikini At The Beach In Bermuda
Jury acquittal looks pretty damn good on this X-Factor judge. After being found not guilty in some bizarrely set up tabloid newspaper drug conspiracy, Tulisa Contostavlos gave a fuck you to the world by getting dripping wet and showing off her mons in Bermuda. They say that living well is the best revenge.  Those people have never felt the rush of squeezing the very life out of your nemesis while staring into their clotting eyes and cackling like a fiend. Also, some of us don’t have the hot bikini body option.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Syco/Thames/Corbis

The New Human Barbie Is Almost Perfect

By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 9:50 AM

Human Barbie Lolita Richi Facebook Photo
She’s sixteen. She’s from the Ukraine. She has a 20-inch waist and 32F breasts. And she has a glassy empty robotic stare. Lolita Richi is perfect! Almost. Because this human Barbie doll speaks, and speaks, and speaks:

People have openly told me that they’re jealous of me and how good I look. All of the boys at school fancy me as well but I don’t like any of them. They are not to my taste.

Ah, make it stop! She’s ruining everything.

I think I’ve achieved this image better than anyone else. I’m the ultimate vamp woman. I haven’t even heard of Valeria Lukyanov.

What repair shop will make my Barbie doll shut the fuck up? I’m prepared to buy one of these action figures once they figure out why the real doll versions are so popular. The owner provides the words.

Photo Credit: Lolita Richie/Facebook

Pierce Brosnan Is Cursed With The Handsome

By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 9:03 AM

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Pierce Brosnan claims he lost an opportunity to star in the 90′s film Angela’s Ashes because he was too handsome. Brosnan said he called Frank McCourt, the author of the tearjerker novel the movie is based on, and was given the Heisman. It seems unusual that McCourt would have any real say in casting decisions for the movie version of his book. Studios pay these authors a buttload of money to smile and stay the fuck out of the process. Telling someone they are too good looking when they aren’t right for the part is just part of the Irish tradition of being cordial before you bare knuckle the crap out of each other and then make up in a sobbing hug of blood and friendship. Brosnan is undeniably a very pretty man but not the most diverse actor out there. A film about famine and religious oppression does not preclude good looking people, just those who wink a lot and give Fuck Me Eyes to the bust wench doling out their mush.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Justin Bieber Disgraces Canada

By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 8:47 AM

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Members of Justin Bieber’s posse reportedly bribed a border official to let their members with criminal records into Canada. As per Canada’s policy of being modestly boring, no cash was exchanged but the official was given a bunch of backstage passes to Bieber’s show. They claimed the passes were valued at $10,000 dollars, which I am sure is totally accurate since Bieber’s sketch ball friends were so willing to throw them away for a walk into Saskatchewan. The customs official has since been fired, because if you take bribes from ratchety twinks the written policy is to get cash only. Some more of Bieber’s even tinier minions showed up looking for the same official and tried to repeat the offense. By then Canadian Mounties on horseback had become suspect. Not because of the bribery, which is standard practice, but because the guy at the office everybody already hated for stealing sandwiches from the break room fridge was now also a documented Bieber fan. It was a good time to wash their hands as clean as Canada.

Photo Credit: Instagram