This is what I picture when people tell me how great "Sex and the City" was. It was a show about a goblin who slept around. Fantastic. Maybe my taste isn't sophisticated enough to realize how awesome that is, but I want to watch this monster have sex about as much as I want to watch my grandparents have sex. I think she's on the red carpet because she won the prize for luring the most children into an oven. I'm sure Garnier is thrilled to see her hair look like this after they paid her millions to endorse their stuff. Either this hagged bitch is about to get hit by lightning or she needs a new conditioner. And if she's such a famous fashion icon, why does her husband dress like my 8th grade civics teacher.
So here's the video of Kelly Clarkson on stage at the Key Club on Sunset with the band Metal Skool when she was said to have "climbed onstage" and "got wasted". Umm, that doesn't appear to be the case. In fact, nothing appears to be the case. Because this damn video goes on for ten minutes and not a single interesting thing happens. Never before has so little happened in such a long video. I saw a 10 minute video of a turtle in a shoebox one time and that was like someone hit my heart with a defibrillator compared to this.
Eddie Murphy and Melanie Brown (Spice Girl Mel-B, a.k.a Scary Spice) have been inseparable since meeting two months ago - they even have tattoos of each others name - and they are now planning a trip to Disneyland so their kids can spend some time together and test the family dynamic. Murphy has five children, Brown has one. The trip was planned for this week but was pushed back because of the recent terror alerts. A source says:
"Marriage has been mentioned. Uniting their families will take the relationship to another level."
One awesome way to deflect the rumors that you're into trannies is to date someone or something that look like a girl. Or at least feminine. It would seem Eddie Murphy has decided against that. If this chick has a vagina, there's scarring around it.
Lindsay Lohan has been blacklisted and denied tickets to a Justin Timberlake concert this weekend at the House of Blues in West Hollywood because Timberlake feels any association with her is bad for his image. A source says:
“Justin’s gig will be packed with Hollywood A-listers and a lot of important names in music. The last thing his label wants is Lindsay getting hammered and making a spectacle of herself, taking attention away from Justin and his new album. He has a lot riding on his big comeback and he doesn’t need any distractions. His people reckon any association with socialite liggers* like Lindsay are bad for his image and career.”
Geez, did I miss something. Did Lindsay wake up in Vegas one day covered in some one else's blood. Fine, Lindsay is drunk and slutty. So what, she's 20. Her night will end with a line of coke and a light raping, not her flying around on a pegasus throwing tridents at the crowd below. Don't be such a little diva Justin.
*Ligger - (n) - An individual who attends parties, openings, social gatherings and events with the sole intention of obtaining free food and drink - an arch blagger. Popularized by the NME in the early nineties and possibly with it's entomological roots in the fishing term for "baited line".
Jessica Biel is so perfect she should be frozen and studied. Or at least used as a breeder. Some of you may scoff at the moral implications of something like that, to which I would fake a cough while barking out "homo". To further discredit your pedantic objection, I would grab your wrists in front of the other members of whatever board is in charge of this sort of thing and demand you "stop hitting yourself". The room would then fill with impressed murmuring and my powerful Aristotelian logic would once again rule the day.
Britney Spears, who has gained roughly 40 pounds while carrying her second child, says she plans to regain her once famous figure after having her baby. But if she intends to lose any weight, a few minor adjustments may have to be made to her current dirt. Britney says:
"Crunching ice and chocolate, oh my God! I'll get up in the middle of the night and I'll get a Hershey's bar, the real big ones, and I'll put it in the microwave and melt it and eat it. It sounds disgusting, but it's so satisfying."
Do you think Britney had her tail surgically removed or did it just wear down from wearing pants.
