Good news if you ever wanted to watch Kevin Federline put on his underwear on a balcony and scratch his ass. But, you know, bad news if you never wanted to watch Kevin Federline put on his underwear on a balcony and scratch his ass. But hey, good times. Enjoy your day at the office, everybody. KFed would join you, except he’s not. He’s gonna hang out in Hawaii a little longer, smoke all day and spy on people, maybe take the Ferrari he didn’t buy for a spin if he gets bored. That’s just how he rolls, baby.


















‘Crash’ producer Cathy Schulman is not a bisexual polygamist. Many were confused/turned on when she thanked “my husband and my wife” when accepting the award for Outstanding Picture, but backstage, Schulman admitted to a case of nerves and that she simply misspoke. She meant to thank her daughter.



E! Online says the nastiest of the catfights last night was after the show, when the team behind ‘Brokeback Mountain’, including Best Director Ang Lee, were sulking after losing Best Picture. A close friend was even heard telling a very, very upset Lee, “You’ve just won a fucking Oscar–get over it.”



The New York Post says that Jake Gyllenhaal was “getting cozy” with Keira Knightly in L.A. in the days leading up to the ceremony. “They were at Soho House two nights in a row together and definitely looked like a couple,” says the Post, but you can go ahead and dismiss this one. Keira has been dating her ‘Pride and Prejudice’ co-star for about three months now, and if Jake Gyllenhaal were any gayer, he would have shown up last night with his hair in pigtails and licking a giant lollipop.



Alexis Bledel wins the previously uninvented “Best Rack I’ve Never Noticed Before” award.



George Clooney could have whoever he wants, how can people really think he’s banging that fug monster Teri Hatcher. I’m scared he may wanna sex me one day. I’m all man, but I’m not sure anyone can tell that guy no. And, you know, lets be honest, I’ve done worse.

Source and Source

It really doesn’t seem like Heath Ledger is getting the mileage he could be out of his dreamboat good looks. He’s banging 5’s all the way around. Guys or girls, doesn’t seem to matter. If he’s kissing them, they’re boring. When asked about this, someone dorkier than Jake Gyllenhaal was unavailable for comment, due to the fact that they don’t exist.



Jennifer Aniston is so fug its creepy. Her face is pulled so tight with surgery and botox she looks like a damn burn victim, and shes barely in her 30s. What the hell was she doing presenting at the Academy Awards, anyway. If I were in charge I would have replaced her at the last minute with Angelina Jolie, just to see if she would cry. The dirty secret about Hollywood is that you went to high school with 50 girls who are all better looking in real life than some of these “famous beauties”. But trust me, you didn’t go to high school with anyone that looks like Kate Bosworth. She’s pretty like an angel. An angel with a kick ass rack and slutty taste in dresses.



If Reese Witherspoon got any cuter, she would technically be a baby panda. I’m not even sure if I could even have sex with her. She’s just so damn cute. Like a bunny. If for some reason she ever ended up giving me oral, I can’t promise I wouldn’t start patting her on the head. She’s so pretty and sweet, if we ever ended up in bed, I would probably get her some milk and read her a story. It wouldn’t even dawn on me to have sex with her.



(Sorry, that last post was getting too long for the publishing software)



8:05 - Reese was an absolute mortal lock for Outstanding Actress. People absolutely love her. I had an acting class with her a few years ago and we did a scene once and afterward she winked at me and said, “I’ll see you at the top, baby”. Wait, no, that’s not true at all.



8:12 - Dustin Hoffman is a fucking moron. Just say the words, monkey. This is being broadcast, this isn’t your own personal greeting card. Just read the teleprompter. There may be no bigger chasm is regards to someone Hollywood thinks we all like and someone we really do. Sam Jackson is a close second.



8:15 - How many vicodin and valium did the Brokeback screenwriter chick take? 50? 100? 150? The answer is 120, my friends. 120.



8:27 - And the Oscar goes to ‘Crash’. Nice. Fuckin nice. I don’t know anyone who actually like ‘Brokeback’. Seriously. Not one single person. It’s like this girl I dated in high school, real pretty to look at but 5 minutes in and you have to stab yourself in the hand to stop from yawning.



8:30 - Jesus Christ, I’m pretty sure you could have let the producer chick accepting for Best Picture run a few seconds long. It’s the last award of the night. Why not just go up there and push her in a puddle of mud.



go to Part One