4:30 - There’s absolutely no chance I’m smart enough to remember any of this stuff tomorrow, so I’m just gonna scrawl down whatever dawns on me tonight. Feel free to chime in with your pithy jokes and shrewd observations in the comment section. For example, you could say, “What the hell is Michelle Williams wearing. Is she working at El Pollo Loco now, holding the sign out front with todays specials.”
4:44 - Jake Gyllenhaal looks pretty enough to kiss.
4:50 - Some giantess on ABC just described Brokeback Mountain as the favorite because it’s a “watershed culturally and really made an impact all over the world.” And she’s soooo right. My entire life has changed. I’ve never been so happy!
5:01 - even if you spend the rest of the night watching two guys blow each other, you’re not gonna see anything gayer than the new Oscar stage. Why not just put the Oscar statues in some cut-off daisy dukes and a cop hat.
5:03 - Billy Crystal can unfunny anything. He’s about as entertaining as getting your nuts caught in a bear trap. A bear trap on his nuts would make me smile though.
5:17 - nice even hand on the political stuff. Well done Jon Stewart.
5:30 - Ben Stiller is embarrassing. Watching him try to be funny is like watching your mom dress sexy. You just end up staring at the floor, praying for the moment to end.
5:35 - Dolly Parton is 119 and I would still totally hit that. Until science gets off their ass and figures out a way for me to have sex with Laura Croft, she would have the best body I’d ever gotten my hands on.
5:43 - Luke and Owen Wilson are on stage talking about ‘Bottle Rocket’. God damn I love that movie. Remember when Luke was hitting on the maid at the motel. And when Owen got his ass kicked. And when that Phi Mu gave me a hand job. What a sexy movie!
5:45 - did the acid just kick in or are there cartoons on stage. You guys see this too right.
5:50 - what lunatic in Hollywood decided we like Jennifer Aniston. Enough already with Ms. Personality there.
6:03 - Someone get Ben Stiller a tape of Steve Carell and Will Ferrell. See Ben, to be funny, you have to do something funny. Not just flop around like a retard. Green leotard. How outrageous. 90 percent of the world had no idea what the hell you were talking about, just that you were more awkward and lame than normal.
6:07 - the announcer mentioning ‘the Mummy’ and ‘the Mummy Returns’ as Rachel Weisz goes on stage to accept her Academy Award really cant be considered anything other than sarcastic.
6:20 - Defamer was tipped off about this, the Academy spelling Will Ferrell’s name wrong. Sure, maybe they could have looked it up before hand, but how!?!
6:35 - Keanu and Sandra Bullock? The theme from Speed? Where am I. What year is it. They should have prefaced that with video of clocks spinning backwards and trees turning into saplings and old men with long beards getting shorter. WTF.
6:41 - Hollywood is so goddamn full of themselves.
6:46 - Whats thicker, Selma Hayeks accent or her ass.
7:00 - Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote believes you have his stapler. A red Swingline stapler.
7:05 - Philip Seymour Hoffmans acceptance speech: “And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire
Carmen Electra was confused last week when she thought an Austrian businessman was soliciting sex. Richard Lugner has become famous in Austria for attending the prestigious Vienna Opera Ball with a famous celebrity, who has always been compensated. In the past he has been accompanied by stars such as Pam Anderson, Sophia Loren and Raquel Welch. But Electra had never heard of Lugner and refused to attend until Lugner signed a contract saying he was expecting nothing but an escort to the opera. Lugner said,
“She thought I was looking for a sexual adventure and emphasized that she is a married woman. Every year I go with my wife and my child and pick up my guest at the airport. My wife is always with me. I even told her management that she can bring her husband.”
Yes, obviously Carmen Electra was horrified that someone was attempting to buy sex from her, but, umm, it’s hard not to notice that she still went. Sure she had him sign a contract saying there would be physical contact during the date, but, trust me, those contracts have loopholes. Trust me. I’ve been to a hundred depositions, and I’ve rocked ‘em all!
Source
Despite some internet rumors to the contrary, Jessica Simpson has not put on 33 pounds since filing for divorce from Nick Lachey. The Aussie tabloid New Weekly claimed that:
“(When) spotted on a recent shopping trip in Santa Fe, New Mexico, stunned onlookers could hardly believe their eyes as the singer-turned-actress perused the confectionary aisle. An eyewitness commented that Jess was visibly heavier in the arms and waistline. Self-conscious about her bulging belly, the singer attempted to hide her growing girth with an oversized handbag and baggy black T-shirt. But there was no hiding her double chin and sallow complexion as the gloomy star selected a chocolate bar from the display rack.”
Below are pictures from the same set New Weekly ran, and you can kinda see how this works. They took a few that were wildly unflattering and then just made up a bunch of vile lies about my beloved Jessica. As if this angel could ever be considered fat. Watch your ass New Weekly, or you may find out how many calories are in a knuckle sandwich, baby.
Most of you probably already know that Jessica Alba was furious to find herself on the cover of Playboy magazine this month, but now she is filing suit to have all current issues of the magazine pulled from the newsstands and all future printings halted immediately. Alba says that she did not agree to be on the cover and that the image may mislead readers into thinking she appears nude or partially nude in the magazine. Alba says:
“Playboy has violated my personal rights and blatantly misled the public who might think I had given them permission to put me on the cover when I didn’t.”
With all due respect, Jessica needs to chill the fuck out. Anyone who follows her knows the picture Playboy used was a promo shot for ‘Into the Blue’. And they probably know she’s pretty conservative in her personal life too. The people who should be suing are the dudes who planned a romantic evening with themselves after buying the thing. You have any idea how hard it is to buy a Playboy without humiliating yourself. You’d have an easier time smuggling a clown out of the store than a Playboy.
Source
The completely unsubstantiated rumor of the day is that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have secretly married. Angelina is said to have been wearing a gold band while walking the streets of Paris recently, where Brad, Angelina and her kids have been renting an apartment. Us magazine quotes a source as saying:
“Brad and Angelina have their own secret and the rings are part of it. In her mind, they are married.”
Who the hell knows what the truth is with these two. The only pictures from the last few days I could find are the ones below, taken yesterday in Paris. You can’t tell anything by Angies except that Brad is braver than I am for having unprotected sex with Angelina Jolie. And Brad clearly has a gold band, but not on his ring finger. You can tell that’s Brad Pitt because his custom leather jacket that he wears when riding his Ducati has “Brad” on it. The good news is that if this story hasn’t made you feel bad about your life, nothing ever will.
