Radio Disney Assembles Their Pretty Babies

Disney TV and radio events resemble the trotting out of child sex slave workers freed from dingy sub-basements after Adam LaRoche has raided the joint. We've won the battle but we're losing the war. Fogle has a Foundation. LaRoche just has Wonderboy and Jesus in his bluetooth.read more

Kendall Jenner Meets the President

The White House Correspondents Dinner used to be a showcase for the sitting President to recite cracks about himself and the White House press corps then hand out a bunch of awards to dead people. The annual event served as a friendly reminder that the press who cover POTUS will do pretty much whatever he and his staff ask since they're looking for access or just sweet jobs in the White House.read more

Kate England in A Bikini

Can you be friends with a woman you've seen butt-fucked seventy-three times on camera? Gaping for a living seems less troubling than a woman who consumes self-help non-fiction. If adult film acting credentials were the sole factor by which you chose female friends friends, you'd notice your guy friends wanting to come over far more often. Many of them would bring beer and willingly offer to help you move furniture....read more

Tracy Anderson in A Bikini

Tracy Anderson is the go-to fitness guru for all the big names in Hollywood. According to her press releases she trains Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, Lena Dunham and a shit load of westside moms who want to look like any of the first three. Time to edit your sizzle list. Anderson shapes the health and fitness of her clients through a strict regimen of hardcore dance workouts, healthy eating, and a...read more

Lara Stone Topless Bikini Change

Something marvelous happens to a model when they consume food. They get their tits back. What cigarettes and starvation has spent years reducing, having a decent run of meals and producing a child restores. It can't do much for gapped teeth. Complain about chub around the midsection all you like, the alternative is fucking a chick who resembles a seventh grader. That wasn't compelling even in seventh grade.read more

Bella Hadid Breasts Responding Well to Lyme Disease

There's no more compelling competition than two sisters climbing over each other for sexual attention. It's not as if older sister becomes a lawyer so you become a doctor. That's a CW show. Not the a celebrity model family in Malibu.read more

Carmen Valentina Porn Star in the Park

Porn stars recently decided they were going to come out of society's shadows. Like heroic Mexican migrants yet to be fully hand stamped. I think that's the acceptable term now. We know the porn stars walk among us. They gotta eat. You know they need to wash their clothes. And home The AIDS tests aren't accurate to a commercially viable standard.read more

Kourtney And Khloe Kardashian Ruin Gigi Hadid's 21st

There's some age at which going to a birthday party when you're fifteen years older than the birthday girl is deemed inappropriate. Like 8 and 23. You'll get looks when you're trying to fit into the little tea party chairs. The 30-something Kardashian sisters routinely show up to teen and young adult events because they have no friends their own age. Or friends. Anywhere the cameras go is an open invitation to film...read more

Kim Kardashian Has an Answer For Everything

You thought Kim Kardashian shared photos of her tits and tongue because she's an attention machine whose brand of feminism calls for commercializing her gross level fuckability. You're only mostly right. Kardashian posted a ton of black and white late night Cinemax selfies from her weekend in Miami, careful to explain the real reason behind the sharing:read more

Sandra Kubicka in A Bikini

Miami seems like the very last place you'd want to go if you're an international model looking to get noticed. It's swarming with competition. You're from Gdansk and God gave you perfect skin and tits? Outstanding. Go stand in that line over there. No, it's like Space Mountain. It wraps. You're way back. Stop showing me your medals.read more

Ellie Goulding in A Bikini

There's some kind of international convention that's supposed to prevent British chicks from visiting the beach. By extension it's why you don't see chicks with jugs on their head loading up drinking water in the scuba pool at Sandals. Incredibly white people at the beach makes everybody nervous. A reminder that melanoma doesn't just target the noses of elderly politicians quick to the drink. They have beaches in...read more

Hailey Baldwin Tit Cupped

Hailey Baldwin had cup therapy on her chest to heal her broken heart from her split with Justin Bieber. Numerous celebrities have taken up the ancient Chinese art of suction cup medicine because buttered coffee was making their urine stink. Sports bra mandatory days are a bitch with tit hickeys. Might I recommend some immunotherapy to go with those fake intelligence glasses? Don't think Jesus forgets the Canadians when...read more

Kardashians Warming Up to Rob's Whore

Overtures of peace are being made between the Kardashians and Still Fat Rob's stripper fiancee, Blac Chyna. Pick your battles. There's an ass and tit implanted whore at the gate. Let her in or cover her in cauldrons of stewing feces. Kris Jenner is already ten moves ahead on the balance sheet. She's got a 27-slide Powerpoint detailing the revenue models from her disappointing son banging a pro. When the flood comes,...read more

Ana Braga And Phoebe Price Street Vendors

The fifteenth year of a fifteen year run trying to get noticed in Hollywood is not the time to be pulling out the public sex teasing. This is rookie year antics. Getting older doesn't have to suck. Getting older in a thong does. When you start pulling that bikini out of your ass and pieces are coming with, consider more forgiving stretch pants and a comfy oversized sweater. You would've got away with it if it weren't...read more

Rachel Roy Faked Fucking Jay Z

According to authoritatively anonymous insider sources, Rachel Roy intentionally misled the social media idiots to believe she was the other woman in the Beyonce song calling out her husband for cheating. Roy wanted to drum up publicity for her personal style book out now on sale. You're going to want to dress and carry yourself like a woman who's fucking a married rapper. It's not confirmed but almost certainly true....read more