Last night’s Oscar telecast had so much song and dance numbers that every time they cut back to the host I kept expecting to see Neil Patrick Harris. But Russell Crowe trying to squash the rumors of his awful singing by coming out and singing awfully and Joseph Gordon Levitt dancing out of step with Harry Potter and Ted were only two of many awkward moments during the show, which was so overstuffed and bloated it started to look like Kim Kardashian’s dress by the end of the night. Here are our five favorite most fucked-up moments of Oscars 2013.
5. The lifeless James Bond clip montage the producers clearly stole off Bondfan007′s Youtube account.
4. The dead horse being beaten behind the stage when Shatner appeared as Captain Kirk.
3. The Avengers can save the world from an alien race, but still can’t read from a friggin’ teleprompter
2. When Jennifer Lawrence fell face down, it wasn’t on top of me
1. The Catherine Zeta Jones drag queen playing her during that Chicago tribute
Hollywood ranks as the third biggest dank-smoking industry in the world, right behind the National Basketball Association and South American Air Traffic Controllers, so it’s no surprise that somewhere around 68.9% of actors and actresses are puffing tough on Trainwreck at any given moment. But Kristen Stewart at the Academy Awards last night, she and that limp and that wicked unexplained arm bruise, she crashed through the ‘Bridge Out at 420′ sign and flew right off the embankment.
Kristen Stewart had quite a 2012. She compelled her Snow White director to chow down on her lunch box during union mandated production breaks, busting up his marriage to a hot Euro model, no less, she finally got her top off fully legit in On The Road, and in between giving the finger to paparazzi, broke up with her gay boyfriend who will certainly be missing that middle finger. She’s busy. And super fucking high.
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Check out Liberty Ross and her amazing legs and nipples. She’s the model whose director husband dove into Kristen’s breach face first and cost himself any shot at ever tweaking those nipples again in bed.
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)