Hayden Panettiere Is Knowingly Pregnant

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 8:50 AM

Hayden Panettiere Pregnant And Chesty At The The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards In Los Angeles
Hayden Panettiere kept her hand dramatically on her womb most of the Emmys night just in case anybody didn’t realize she was pregnant. For the slower witted, Hayden massaged her teats until a milky like silicon colloid oozed from her nipples. The anorexic tanned hostess from E! caught Hayden referring to the baby as ‘her’ then cackled with delight as much as somebody who hasn’t eaten since the Spring of ’07 can cackle. Not exactly a Dan Rather-Richard Nixon moment, but for people who live vicariously through pregnant young Hollywood midgets, it was like the invention of fire. Women like to monitor other women’s pregnancies the way men follow sports teams. If they could, women would wear the jerseys of their pregnant friends inappropriately to formal occasions.The fact that unwed mothers can freely walk the red carpet of award shows side by side with lesbian adoptive parents and transgendered actresses shows exactly how progressive Hollywood truly is. Also, why I no longer masturbate during the Red Carpets until I know exactly who is tucking away a dick or not.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty

2014 Emmy Awards Red Carpet Pictures, Lena Dunham Just Ruined Everything

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 4:24 PM

Lena-Dunham-2014-Emmy-Awards

The 2014 Emmy Awards were just beginning their train of anorexic beauties on channels I have to skip past when maneuvering between ESPN and the regional sports channels. Then along comes Lena Dunham with the visuals of a Tim Burton re-imagined SNO BALLĀ® and everything is ruined. Where is the line between being principally anti-beauty and reveling in your fugly? Forever two paces behind Lena Dunham. Who do I sue to get my boner back?

Here are the girls from the 2014 Emmy Awards I would let date me. Some of them may be under eighteen, so perhaps we’d have to date in Canada or another third world nation:

Photo credit: Getty Images / AKM-GSI / FameFlynet