Fifty Cent Fake Rich

By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

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Fifty Cent testified in court that he is broke and all his displays of wealth are total bullshit. He recently lost a lawsuit for posting a sex video of a woman online, and has been ordered to pay her $5 million. That was an expensive joke. While it’s clear that like most rappers and Donald Trump, Fifty’s wealth was all show, it’s still in his best interest to appear as broke as possible to delay paying his revenge porn victim. Still, your dad was right about these rappers:

“Those cars were rented… It’s like music videos, they say action and you see all these fancy cars but everything goes back to the dealership… I borrowed from the jeweler.”

He also claims to wear a Casio instead of a Rolex and never buys the fancy salad dressing. Still Fifty is no Alan Greenspan and in fact isn’t even Jewish and does occasionally splurge. He owns a 21 bedroom house in Connecticut and several Joseph A Bank suits because they’re buy 1 get the store for free. His lawyer is claiming his bank account is down to $1,737, although estimates put his net worth at around $5 million. You might just want to pay her, you’re looking like a real asshole. Even worse, a cheap asshole. Do we need a reservation at this Shakey’s? When’s happy hour?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

50 Cent Cashed Out

By Lex July 13, 2015 @ 11:54 AM

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Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy protection in Connecticut  to shelter his Panzer division of Bentleys against the kind of civil judgements only a rapper could amass. The first found 50 Cent slapped with a an order to pay Rick Ross’ elegant baby mama five million U.S. dollars for putting her sex tape online to embarrass Rick Ross. That was a hoot. So red in the face. Now where’s my five million, dumb shit. The second judgement stems from 50 Cent agreeing to promote Sleek Audio headsets, then figuring why not produce his own headsets that look exactly like Sleek Audio and sell them under his own name. If you made it to second grade in the New York City public schools, you have to know that’s not going to fly. 50 Cent has routinely been praised by the mainstream media who love to relate to hip hop culture by finding black dudes who’ve made a shit ton of money and calling them geniuses. It’s probably condescending, but it’s all they’ve got. The New York Times did a blowjob piece on the business acumen that is 50 Cent just last week. Precious.

50 Cent didn’t survive forty three direct kill shots as a teen just to see some people he fucked over badly take all his dough. You can bet there are stacks of rainy day cash buried in floorboards in various tenement houses. He will rise again. Suge Knight only recently met his shenanigans match. 50 has another decade of magazine Syracuse journalism majors romanticizing his bullshit. And payback murders. That’s what the 40′s are all about.

50 Cent And Rick Ross Make Mamma Proud

By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 6:14 AM

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A video of Rick Ross’ girlfriend Lastonia Leviston getting railed over a couch by some random dude was posted online months back. At some point another version appeared with 50 Cent’s head superimposed onto the guy’s body. Rick Ross claims 50 Cent posted the video first. 50 Cent claims someone in Ross’ entourage first leaked the video and he just innocently linked to it like a rascal. Ross had previously stated in a radio interview he planned to release the video because he’ll be in the grave soon and up to this point he has never done anything bad and is a veritable imposter. The chick sued 50 Cent, and 50 is now suing Ross to cover the amount of the judgement if he loses. Unfortunately none of the legal docs are loaded with pure anthrax.

This is what the Romans would have done before they were wiped out if they had technology and weren’t busy butt fucking the help. 50 Cent and Ross will eventually have to pay this poor chick for the loss of dignity she never had in the first place. Realistically she should be suing the guy who first leaked the video but he’s not even rich enough to have an Instagram account. Women complain about shaming and bullying yet 50 Cent gets to yuck it up on TV with Bryant Gumbel while Jezebel blogs about the evils of fitness modeling. In the end we need a moratorium on rappers who don’t make songs. Watch the news. Being shot in the face is no longer a skill. You smell like Cheese Puffs and rape.

Photo Credit: Instagram

50 Cent Has Bank Account Frozen

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 7:55 AM

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50 Cent is unable to access his personal bank account because his wages are being garnished. Cent owes Sleek Audio $17 million dollars because he lost a lawsuit to them in a convincing blowout. They claim he stole their headphone design and tried to market a similar product as a 50 Cent original. They are making remarkable strides in headphone technology these days, like making them bigger and different colors and naming them after rappers. Sleek must have patented a new shade of black or original avenue of ripping off Dr. Dre’s idea. According to 50′s people he still has access to his business accounts in which he holds strong futures in cheap champagne and Valtrex. 50 is appealing the fine and the guys from Sleek are holed up in a Vegas hotel room with a handle of Jim Beam wondering why 50 Cent doesn’t subscribe to the Harvard Code of business ethics.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

50 Cent’s Literacy Challenge

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 10:44 AM

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This is why I wouldn’t step up and Kickstart Geordie’s Reading Rainbow. A little knowledge is not a good thing. 5o Cent claims he’s worried about Floyd Mayweather’s illiteracy. Illiteracy is a nationwide epidemic that affects upwards of one-hundred percent of people who can’t read. Or forty-five percent of the Los Angeles school district, though in a 1985 statement, they say they’re working hard on it. It was forty-seven percent by last count, so maybe not working super hard. 50 Cent decided the best way to bring light to his former friend’s plight was to challenge Mayweather to read a page of a Harry Potter book aloud without sounding out the words. For this feat, 50 Cent would donate $750,000 to Mayweather’s charity of choice. 50 Cent knows Mayweather can’t read so this was more of a taunt than a challenge. Also, what kind of grown man wants to read Harry Potter?

Mayweather’s no dummy. Figuratively speaking. Literally, obviously, he is a dummy. He fired back with his pictures of his last two paychecks from his promoter totaling $72 million. And a simple message, ‘read this’. I suppose it was meant to say, read this, you Chelsea Handler Fucking Dumbledore Rapping Clown Piece of Shit. If only Mayweather could spell, he could really express his feelings.

Mayweather’s point is well taken. You don’t need to know how to read if you can make $72 million in a single year as a professional boxer. Or even a Super Bowl winning quarterback or a rapper who bangs babies into Kim Kardashian. If this is  your plan, I’d quit school right now and get to it. There are only about 20 spots open nationwide and they’re probably filling up fast. P.S. Voldemort dies.

Paycheck-to-Floyd-Mayweather

Photo credit: Splash News / Floyd Mayweather Twitter

50-Cent Needs to Stop Calling People Thirsty Bitches

By Lex April 25, 2014 @ 4:31 PM

Sally Ferreira Nude And Covered For Smooth Magazine
Everybody wants free speech but nobody quite knows what to do with it. Social media is a modern day marvel of free speech so people mostly use it to share pictures of their lunch or call somebody they don’t know an asshole. I do one of those things. You don’t need to see my cheese sandwich. The courts still haven’t quite figured out what to do when drunk stupid people Tweet out libelous stuff because it’s just so goddamned easy. Courtney Love got cleared of calling her former attorney a whoring hack, because there’s some assumption that drunk social media posting is not supposed to be taken seriously by the readers. 50 Cent just called a an ass-dancing rap video chick a thirsty video bitch claiming she sold photos of a secret video shoot she was in with 50 to the tabloids, also suggesting he was boning her.

“WARNING: Do not attempt to work with this thirsty Video bitch [Her name is Sally Ferreira and she’s a model...] she sent photos Of the video shoot to Mediatakeout Saying I’m in a relationship Withher Cananyone say RESHOOT”

MediaTakeOut is that site where you can see lots of secretly shot black celebrity cock and vagina if that’s your thing. I go daily. This Sally Ferreira has now filed a lawsuit claiming 50′s harshly misspelled accusations put in peril three major entertainment jobs she was up for. I think one of the major entertainment jobs was at the Spearmint Rhino, but I can’t be sure, so I won’t say it’s a fact because she seems really fucking litigious. However this important legal case between pimping Mac Daddy takedown artist and skeezing rap video dancer shakes out, I can only hope the judge sentences them both to a remote island where robots will hunt them down, singe them with lasers, then desecrate their bodies according to an anciently programmed Aztec blood letting ritual. Lady Justice would totally watch the vision impaired version of that.

Photo Credit: Smooth Magazine