The 911 call placed by Charlie Sheens wife Brooke Mueller on Christmas day after he choked her and threatened her with a knife has been released, and it’s a delightful peek into the life of a Hollywood playboy who has been above the law his entire life. Some of the highlights…

911: Tell me exactly what happened.
BROOKE: My husband had me, with a knife and I’m scared for my life and he threatened me.

911: Which room is he in, when the officers enter the house which room will he be in?
BROOKE: In the bathroom.
911: And which room are you in?
BROOKE: In the kitchen. I thought I was gonna die, (unintelligible, perhaps “someone help me”.)
911: What’s your name?
BROOKE: Brooke.
911: And whats your husbands name?
BROOKE: It’s Charlie Sheen.

Soon after that Brooke says he’s trying to sneak out of the house but the officers arrived just a few seconds later and his brilliant escape plan was foiled. The reason she sounds drunk is because she was drunk, reportedly registering a .13 BAL. That might also explain her unthinkably bad self-defense skills. If someone is chasing you around the house with a small knife, don’t go wait for them in the room where the bigger, stabbier knives are kept. “Okay ma’am, where are you know?” “I’m in the kitchen with my back to the hallway, tying my shoelaces together and yelling that he’s a fag who isn’t man enough to stop me.”