Aaron Carter Wants Hilary Duff Back

By Jack March 07, 2014 @ 4:48 PM

Aaron Carter is still in love with his teenage girlfriend Hilary Duff and is acting like a middle school girl on Twitter to prove it. The two of them dated when they were 13, back when Aaron could only dream about meeting his future broke and unemployed hero self in ten years time. They would braid each other’s hair and doodle love notes in his unicorn trapper keeper until he chose loose lipped Lindsay Lohan over Hilary. It appears that Aaron only now realizes the error of slipping his wee-wee into Lindsay instead of waiting on Hilary. He Tweeted a picture of the about to be divorced Duff and wrote,

“Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever.. Like me…I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her. I don’t care what ANY of you think.”

I’m sure it sucks that your glory days happened in middle school, but women do not like the smell of desperation. Play it cool, Snapper. Start tweeting about all the hotties be hitting on you during your swing shit at Jack in the Box. Subtly mention how it looks like the creditors might let you keep your Fiero. And then, you can never go wrong with using your God-given vocal talents to win her back. They’ve yet to invent a girl who can resist the doleful croon of Aaron’s Party (Come Get It). Stick to your game, player. This seems nearly certain to happen.

Aaron Carter Goes Belly Up

By Lex November 21, 2013 @ 4:33 PM

Aaron Carter At Perez Hilton's VIP Opening Night Of 'Newsical The Musical' In New York
It’s a shame that we live in a country where a guy with no job can’t make a living. Who’s going to host a canned food drive for this stupid fucker for Thanksgiving? Is Ashton Kutcher going to stick his intellectual neck out to berate the recording industry for not selling any Aaron Carter CDs for ten years running? Aaron Carter himself opened up about his new mature outlook on life to the Wichita Eagle:

I don’t party. I’ve partied enough. I don’t go out. I focus on other things that are much more important. I focus on being an entertainer. I love performing. That’s what I’m about. I want to take that next step.”

Jesus, Aaron Carter is pure of heart and honest in intention. I don’t want to live in a world where a guy with very limited talent can’t ride his brothers four years of stage fame to a decent lifelong annuity.

Photo Credit: WENN

Aaron Carter Got His Ass Kicked

By Travis June 24, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

A quick journey into the caverns of wisdom that make up Aaron Carter’s Twitter and Instagram accounts would lead you to believe that the 25-year old singer uses social networking solely to get laid, and you’d probably be right. But he also uses it to let his followers know that he’s the baddest mother fucker that has ever walked the streets, because when four guys tried to beat his ass in Boston on Saturday night, he let them know that he’s a “soldier.. Errrrr”.

Aaron, who claims to be a “6th degree black belt in Muay Thai”, Tweeted that “they lost”, meaning that he expects us to believe that he beat up four men. But the best part about this is that he told TMZ they jumped him because he was on “New Kids on the Block turf”. Of course, the worst part is that people still pat money to watch Aaron perform, but I just assume it’s mostly aspiring meth dealers.

Aaron Carter Abides

By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 12:12 PM


Aaron Carter was found mostly alive in the Conga Room of the Magic City Casino in Miami over the weekend busting out some serious rhymes and wrapping himself in the American flag. For some reason I thought he was dead then I realized I was probably thinking of his brother Nick but I checked and he’s still alive too. Fuck me. This is probably good news for the Carter family not to mention the world of suburban caucasian teen inspired hip hop.

Here’s Aaron in a recent gig at Mojoe’s bar in Joliet, IL. If you were ever jealous as fuck of Aaron at 13 playing amphitheaters full of screaming girls, this ought to help.






Michael Jackson gave Aaron Carter coke at 15

By brendon June 29, 2011 @ 4:02 PM

michael_jackson_david_nordahl_cherub_painting

Michael Jackson was always deeply concerned about children of course, and by that I mean he was concerned they might tell after he raped them. Like this little snitch Aaron Carter is now doing. What a little tattle-tale.

Aaron tells OK! how MJ gave him drugs and alcohol when he was just 15.
‘I never talked about it… This is the first time. I do… I miss Michael… I have spent such incredible times with him. I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me,’ Aaron says.
When asked whether Michael gave him alcohol, Aaron tells Daphne, ‘Yes, he gave me wine. I mean, I could have refused, but I was 15.’ As for drugs? ‘He gave me cocaine. I felt weird about that and other stuff… We spoke afterwards, hours and hours, on the phone. I admired Michael, but his behaviour bothered me a lot. Then my mother called the police…’

I think it goes without saying that it’s wrong to loosen teenagers up with wine and cocaine so you can have sex with them. Wine and weed works a lot better. The coke makes them all paranoid and jittery.

(as you may remember, Michael commissioned these totally-not-suspicious paintings. full size of that last one here)

AARON CARTER LOVES WEED

By brendon February 22, 2008 @ 9:09 AM

OK magazine says that Aaron Carter, "was arrested on Thursday in Kimble County, Texas. Sources say the 20-year old was pulled over for speeding on I-10, and when authorities searched his car, they found over two ounces of marijuana."  That is a lot of damn weed.  I think.  Actually I have no idea.  I've never done a drug in my life and I have no idea how the metric system works.  For the record, I’m not entirely positive what an electron is either.  OK goes on to say that Aaron, "was hauled off to jail, and will stay there overnight until Friday, when he will appear before a judge for his arraignment".  I wonder if Aaron still writes cool rap songs like he did when he was a kid,.  If so, he should turn this ordeal into another hit song and maybe the judge will go easy on him.

I'm Aaron Carter and I'm here to say,
don't do drugs, it’s not okay.
You don’t need drugs, to have fun,
but I’m sorry to say, my rap is done.

Based on what I remember about Aaron Carters rhyme skills, it will be EXACTLY like that.  Oh, and yes, that is a picture of Aaron up top there.  I was on Getty and I meant to click a different one but I clicked this one instead and it turns out I don't care.  Feel free to look up your own picture of him and tape it to your monitor and then re-read this.  But if you do that, you'll miss how 50 percent of the photographers are awesomely facing the other direction and the mysterious green spot on the back of his head.  You're playing with dynamite, my friend!