Aaron Hernandez Not Getting Press

By Matt February 25, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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Coverage of the Aaron Hernandez trial is conspicuously lacking from ESPN and major news outlets. ESPN ass funneled you stories about Patriots’ deflated footballs yet rarely mentions that the same team used to employ Scarface. The NFL is clearly exerting pressure on its broadcast partners to ignore the case. That would include FOX, CBS, NBC, ABC, and ESPN. If you want to bid on the Superbowl in 2019 sell your integrity and air some stories about Russell Wilson reading bible verses in the child cancer ward. Patriots owner Robert Kraft and coach Bill Belichick are both potential witnesses. If one of them were to testify it would take a heroic exercise in censorship to keep this story sheltered. It’s OJ part II. There’s no hot blonde but a good chance Hernandez offed a guy while in uniform. I’ll look forward to more op-eds about how we need boots on the ground in Syria or additional toppings at Dominos. Maybe even a retrospective on Belichick’s hoodies or Tom Brady’s ass crack. Meanwhile your tight end is a serial murderer and your teenage son has a drinking problem.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Aaron Hernandez Jail Memorabilia Finally On eBay

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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Someone is auctioning off a book Aaron Hernandez supposedly used to relay secret messages to his fellow inmates. This wasn’t a hard to decipher system involving ancient Peruvian hieroglyphs, Hernandez just hand wrote things in pen on the pages of the book. When he returned the book, another inmate would check it out. There was some suspicions as to why these illiterate assholes were suddenly checking out books and the scam was quickly nipped in the bud. The book is Bad Boy Brawley Brown, some ghetto pulp written by Walter Mosley about a guy who’s accused of murder and gets off. The seller remains anonymous but odds are high he’s a prison guard who will be losing his job soon. He’s never sold anything on eBay and joined on Monday. He’s asking $2,000 for the minimum bid, which includes shipping and your near certain identity theft. The contents of the messages remain shrouded in secrecy, but if it’s any indication of their depth just realize Hernandez closed one of the notes with his signature.

Photo Credit: eBay 

Patriots Fans Underestimated

By Matt January 15, 2015 @ 7:04 AM

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Potential jurors in the Aaron Hernandez conviction cake walk were handed a questionnaire which contains the following:

Are you a fan of the New England Patriots? Have you ever attended a Patriots game? Is there anything about [Hernandez playing for the Patriots] that would impair your ability to be fair and impartial?

Essentially, they’re looking for people who won’t be missed from work or home for the next four months and who live in New England but have never attended a Patriots game or even consider themselves a Patriots fan. You’ve got your winner’s circle of the populace right there. Now factor in your not being familiar with last year’s biggest regional news story and the only people left to judge are n’er do wells who want to write a shitty book which you’re allowed to do about six months after the trial is over. Of course hardcore Patriots fans are more likely to acquit Hernandez. He probably hasn’t smoked angel dust in months and can still play behind Gronk. Look for a mistrial and in about five years time if you see a guy who looks like Aaron Hernandez in your favorite bar, change favorite bars.

Patriots Got Aaron Hernandez’ Back

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 6:07 AM

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Aaron Hernandez’ legal defense team requested his team files from the New England Patriots. The Patriots refused to release some of his scouting reports citing ‘trade secrets’. When a ruthless murderer is standing trial it’s important nobody know how they measure vertical leaps. It might also show what shitty judges of characters they are since they drafted a meth smoking, gun toting gangster and thought he would be content running patterns and blocking. Hernandez’ legal team asked a second time, more insistently:

“Any record bearing on a defendant’s psychological function, illnesses or afflictions, addiction, cognitive ability, social interactions, behavior under stress, relationship with authority and other such factors are undeniably relevant to the defense of an individual charged with first degree murder.”

Given that Hernandez was a known lunatic prior to joining the Pats, this elaborate testing process seems pointless, unless the team is actually screening out those not prone to deadly use of force, which would kind of prove Belichick really is a genius. They probably have confidential case files full of dead hookers and street orphans in every city in the AFC East. I’m guessing Hernandez walks and re signs with the Patriots for less money. Plus they make him mow the field because he owes them. Smartest team in the league.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Time to Burn the Hernandez Jersey

By Lex May 28, 2014 @ 6:35 PM

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I’m a man’s man. I’ll give a one murder pass to my favorite NFL players. If OJ had just beheaded Nicole for messing with his mind, I’d still be wearing his jersey. I look forward to seeing Ray Lewis do his thing on ESPN. It’s not like he still has that blood on his hands. That’s just a figure of speech. Aaron Hernandez and I could’ve still been pen pals if he had just killed his buddy who talked too much. Who hasn’t wanted to put one in the back of the head of that guy in your social circle? But, now, it looks like Aaron Hernandez probably killed a couple other dudes for accidentally bumping into him on the night club dance floor and spilling his drink. Totally ruined his mojo. So he emptied his .38 on the unsuspecting about to be dead guys as they left the club. Everybody who hates football and men and aggression will try connect the dots between the innate violence of the sport and murder. I’m going to go ahead and blame clumsy people at bars, because nobody is taking away my Sunday Ticket.

Aaron Hernandez May Have Killed Before

By Lex June 27, 2013 @ 2:22 PM

Aaron Hernandez is like one of those superhero guys with a normal day job who prowls the city at night standing on rooftops looking for trouble. Only, Aaron was looking to get into trouble. And I guess he got into a bunch of it since cops are also investigating him for a double homicide from a year ago in a drive by shooting following a nightclub fight. Hey, disrespect is disrespect. Sometimes you’ve got to just shoot people dead in their cars for looking at you funny or hitting on your girl or being Jets fans.