Aaron Hernandez Still Seems Confident

By Matt April 15, 2015 @ 10:35 AM


Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole though he’s officially listed as probable for the Patriots season opener in September. There’s a strong chance Hernandez doesn’t understand his sentence. He told everyone he’s going to Disney World. The Hernandez case was perplexing. Not in that there was any doubt he killed a guy, it was just remarkable how guilty he was. There were text message from the victim to Hernandez basically begging not to be killed. They were right aside security footage showing Hernandez playing with his gun. Hernandez remained oddly confident throughout the trial. It’s almost like someone told him rich guy football players can get away with murder and he believed them. They didn’t mention you’re supposed to pretend you aren’t guilty. Also, hide the murder weapon in the Kardashian house.

Hernandez’ lawyers will appeal to Massachusetts’ Supreme Court  who are too busy concerning themselves with chowder infringement litigation to hear about a thug who killed a guy and doesn’t have an alibi. At least your tats make sense now. You’ll do well in prison as you did in the NFL. Also, when you kill somebody in prison, they won’t kick you out.

Photo Credit: AbcNews/Youtube 

Aaron Hernandez’ Fiancee Is a Keeper

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 7:07 AM


Aaron Hernandez’ fiancee Shayanna Jenkins testified that she put a box containing a murder weapon into a plastic bag and then drove around and threw it in the dumpster because she’s a good woman. Her lawyers then scored some sympathy points by making it known she tried to ignore the fact that the babysitter was blowing Hernandez on the regular. Jenkins is one to make sacrifices in regards to romance and her ability to not commit perjury or be an accessory to murder:

“I made a decision that if I was going to move back in with Aaron I would have to compromise on his behavior and that included infidelity and everything that came along with that. And I decided it was worth fighting for.”

I wonder if it had anything to do with the money. I watch a lot of daytime TV but I still don’t feel sorry for you. You can ask me to put on that fireman outfit any night but my commitment ends when I’m discarding recently expended weapons. Women like bad boys. For some it’s the dude who gets drunk and beats up an unsuspecting bystander at a Stanley Cup riot. For others it’s serial murderers whose worst quality is that they struggle with mongamy. You get what you pay for. Lock her up.

Photo Credit: Youtube/WPRI

Aaron Hernandez Not Getting Press

By Matt February 25, 2015 @ 6:33 AM


Coverage of the Aaron Hernandez trial is conspicuously lacking from ESPN and major news outlets. ESPN ass funneled you stories about Patriots’ deflated footballs yet rarely mentions that the same team used to employ Scarface. The NFL is clearly exerting pressure on its broadcast partners to ignore the case. That would include FOX, CBS, NBC, ABC, and ESPN. If you want to bid on the Superbowl in 2019 sell your integrity and air some stories about Russell Wilson reading bible verses in the child cancer ward. Patriots owner Robert Kraft and coach Bill Belichick are both potential witnesses. If one of them were to testify it would take a heroic exercise in censorship to keep this story sheltered. It’s OJ part II. There’s no hot blonde but a good chance Hernandez offed a guy while in uniform. I’ll look forward to more op-eds about how we need boots on the ground in Syria or additional toppings at Dominos. Maybe even a retrospective on Belichick’s hoodies or Tom Brady’s ass crack. Meanwhile your tight end is a serial murderer and your teenage son has a drinking problem.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Aaron Hernandez Jail Memorabilia Finally On eBay

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 6:33 AM


Someone is auctioning off a book Aaron Hernandez supposedly used to relay secret messages to his fellow inmates. This wasn’t a hard to decipher system involving ancient Peruvian hieroglyphs, Hernandez just hand wrote things in pen on the pages of the book. When he returned the book, another inmate would check it out. There was some suspicions as to why these illiterate assholes were suddenly checking out books and the scam was quickly nipped in the bud. The book is Bad Boy Brawley Brown, some ghetto pulp written by Walter Mosley about a guy who’s accused of murder and gets off. The seller remains anonymous but odds are high he’s a prison guard who will be losing his job soon. He’s never sold anything on eBay and joined on Monday. He’s asking $2,000 for the minimum bid, which includes shipping and your near certain identity theft. The contents of the messages remain shrouded in secrecy, but if it’s any indication of their depth just realize Hernandez closed one of the notes with his signature.

Photo Credit: eBay 

Patriots Fans Underestimated

By Matt January 15, 2015 @ 7:04 AM


Potential jurors in the Aaron Hernandez conviction cake walk were handed a questionnaire which contains the following:

Are you a fan of the New England Patriots? Have you ever attended a Patriots game? Is there anything about [Hernandez playing for the Patriots] that would impair your ability to be fair and impartial?

Essentially, they’re looking for people who won’t be missed from work or home for the next four months and who live in New England but have never attended a Patriots game or even consider themselves a Patriots fan. You’ve got your winner’s circle of the populace right there. Now factor in your not being familiar with last year’s biggest regional news story and the only people left to judge are n’er do wells who want to write a shitty book which you’re allowed to do about six months after the trial is over. Of course hardcore Patriots fans are more likely to acquit Hernandez. He probably hasn’t smoked angel dust in months and can still play behind Gronk. Look for a mistrial and in about five years time if you see a guy who looks like Aaron Hernandez in your favorite bar, change favorite bars.

Patriots Got Aaron Hernandez’ Back

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 6:07 AM


Aaron Hernandez’ legal defense team requested his team files from the New England Patriots. The Patriots refused to release some of his scouting reports citing ‘trade secrets’. When a ruthless murderer is standing trial it’s important nobody know how they measure vertical leaps. It might also show what shitty judges of characters they are since they drafted a meth smoking, gun toting gangster and thought he would be content running patterns and blocking. Hernandez’ legal team asked a second time, more insistently:

“Any record bearing on a defendant’s psychological function, illnesses or afflictions, addiction, cognitive ability, social interactions, behavior under stress, relationship with authority and other such factors are undeniably relevant to the defense of an individual charged with first degree murder.”

Given that Hernandez was a known lunatic prior to joining the Pats, this elaborate testing process seems pointless, unless the team is actually screening out those not prone to deadly use of force, which would kind of prove Belichick really is a genius. They probably have confidential case files full of dead hookers and street orphans in every city in the AFC East. I’m guessing Hernandez walks and re signs with the Patriots for less money. Plus they make him mow the field because he owes them. Smartest team in the league.

Photo Credit: Twitter