Patriots Fans Underestimated

By Matt January 15, 2015 @ 7:04 AM


Potential jurors in the Aaron Hernandez conviction cake walk were handed a questionnaire which contains the following:

Are you a fan of the New England Patriots? Have you ever attended a Patriots game? Is there anything about [Hernandez playing for the Patriots] that would impair your ability to be fair and impartial?

Essentially, they’re looking for people who won’t be missed from work or home for the next four months and who live in New England but have never attended a Patriots game or even consider themselves a Patriots fan. You’ve got your winner’s circle of the populace right there. Now factor in your not being familiar with last year’s biggest regional news story and the only people left to judge are n’er do wells who want to write a shitty book which you’re allowed to do about six months after the trial is over. Of course hardcore Patriots fans are more likely to acquit Hernandez. He probably hasn’t smoked angel dust in months and can still play behind Gronk. Look for a mistrial and in about five years time if you see a guy who looks like Aaron Hernandez in your favorite bar, change favorite bars.

Patriots Got Aaron Hernandez’ Back

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 6:07 AM


Aaron Hernandez’ legal defense team requested his team files from the New England Patriots. The Patriots refused to release some of his scouting reports citing ‘trade secrets’. When a ruthless murderer is standing trial it’s important nobody know how they measure vertical leaps. It might also show what shitty judges of characters they are since they drafted a meth smoking, gun toting gangster and thought he would be content running patterns and blocking. Hernandez’ legal team asked a second time, more insistently:

“Any record bearing on a defendant’s psychological function, illnesses or afflictions, addiction, cognitive ability, social interactions, behavior under stress, relationship with authority and other such factors are undeniably relevant to the defense of an individual charged with first degree murder.”

Given that Hernandez was a known lunatic prior to joining the Pats, this elaborate testing process seems pointless, unless the team is actually screening out those not prone to deadly use of force, which would kind of prove Belichick really is a genius. They probably have confidential case files full of dead hookers and street orphans in every city in the AFC East. I’m guessing Hernandez walks and re signs with the Patriots for less money. Plus they make him mow the field because he owes them. Smartest team in the league.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Time to Burn the Hernandez Jersey

By Lex May 28, 2014 @ 6:35 PM

I’m a man’s man. I’ll give a one murder pass to my favorite NFL players. If OJ had just beheaded Nicole for messing with his mind, I’d still be wearing his jersey. I look forward to seeing Ray Lewis do his thing on ESPN. It’s not like he still has that blood on his hands. That’s just a figure of speech. Aaron Hernandez and I could’ve still been pen pals if he had just killed his buddy who talked too much. Who hasn’t wanted to put one in the back of the head of that guy in your social circle? But, now, it looks like Aaron Hernandez probably killed a couple other dudes for accidentally bumping into him on the night club dance floor and spilling his drink. Totally ruined his mojo. So he emptied his .38 on the unsuspecting about to be dead guys as they left the club. Everybody who hates football and men and aggression will try connect the dots between the innate violence of the sport and murder. I’m going to go ahead and blame clumsy people at bars, because nobody is taking away my Sunday Ticket.

Aaron Hernandez May Have Killed Before

By Lex June 27, 2013 @ 2:22 PM

Aaron Hernandez is like one of those superhero guys with a normal day job who prowls the city at night standing on rooftops looking for trouble. Only, Aaron was looking to get into trouble. And I guess he got into a bunch of it since cops are also investigating him for a double homicide from a year ago in a drive by shooting following a nightclub fight. Hey, disrespect is disrespect. Sometimes you’ve got to just shoot people dead in their cars for looking at you funny or hitting on your girl or being Jets fans.

Aaron Hernandez Arrested (VIDEO)

By Lex June 26, 2013 @ 12:55 PM

Aaron Hernandez’ attorney wants to make it clear. There is no arrest warrant out for his client. So stop publishing that lie. And ignore that guy who looks just like Aaron Hernandez being led away from his home in handcuffs.

It’s been a tough week for guys in Boston, what with the Bruins losing in hockey, the Patriots’ tight end being arrested, and everybody realizing they still have to have sex with girls from Boston.

UPDATE: Aaron Hernandez charged with first degree murder.

Aaron Hernandez Had a Killer Offseason

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 1:40 PM

Aaron Hernandez is a pretty talented dude. Solid football player for the Patriots. Like many guys in the NFL, when he has a little down time from the season, he enjoys hanging out with thugs, late night strip clubs, and brandishing weapons. It was that or golf and golf is fucking boring. Hernandez is about to be arrested because one of his running buddies was found shot in the back of the head on a jogging path not far from his home in the middle of the night on Monday. This after hanging out with Hernandez and a bunch of his gentlemanly friends that evening. Looks like Hernandez may not have been the trigger man, but when the police came to investigate, Hernandez promptly tore apart all of his home’s video surveillance equipment and then smashed his cellphone. Like he was putting on a demonstration of how to look extremely fucking guilty. Now, we could all lament the violence and thuggery surrounding the NFL and its players, or we could drink beer and watch the greatest sport on earth.