Abigail Ratchford Covered for America

By Lex January 27, 2016 @ 2:08 PM

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While Zuckerberg is posting photos of his carefully posed domesticated lifestyle to pretend he’s not an evil super-villain, he continues to restrict the appearance of the very tip of female breastsĀ on his social media sites. He’s creating an entire universe of quasi-naked photos involving potentially dangerous skeletal contortions in order to meet his absurdist zero nipple tolerance policy. I’m reminded of a Catholic friend whose grandmother on her deathbed made him promise to stop saying shit and fuck all the time. He immediately moved on to frack and she-ite in every sentence. That’s not what grandma meant, dumbass. Every dude still wants to bang this chick. Maybe even more so now that you’ve forced her to squeeze her own tits in photos on your site. What happened to logic. Also pussy. We’re going to need to see that too. How come my Facebook questions never make it to the debates?

Photo Credit: Instagram

Abigail Ratchford Squeezes Her Own

By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 11:08 AM

Abigail Ratchford Humpday Delights zoo LB
Social media has created a bevy of girls contemporarily famous for sharing photos of themselves mostly naked. If you’re reading that as a criticism, you’re reading it wrong. Pamela Anderson had to win the tiny chick with implants lottery to punch her ticket to a Malibu mansion. There were a hundred chicks behind her whose names you’ll never know. The playing field is now completely even. You’re on a basic cable show that gets two million viewers? Fantastic. I’ve never even had a call back from casting and I’ve got six million followers on Instagram. An e-cigarette company is paying me more to smoke in photos than your SAG Tier 3 residuals. What star you were born under and who you’re willing to fuck that’s important no longer matters. This is the democratic liberation of the masses with big tits. Athens is weeping.

Photo Credit: Zoo Magazine

Abigail Ratchford Backyard Pool Tits

By Lex June 24, 2015 @ 11:25 AM

Abigail Ratchford Wet T Shirt Pool Dip Innocent Magazine
Girls with enormous fake jugs and round asses riding pool floats ought to be on our ten dollar bill. Fuck Harriet Tubman. I mean that in the polite way. She did some fine work two centuries ago. She has a place in the history books. For modern commercial currency you want something that states your purpose and tells the rest of the world to take a step the fuck back. We will pump our young women full of Dow chemicals just to give our man folk superior erections. Now what can I get in this bazaar with this crisp American ten? And don’t tell me two fives. I can target a cruise missile to cross two oceans and fly into your grandma’s snatch.

Photo Credit: Innocent Magazine

Abigail Ratchford’s Tits In Playboy And Shit Around The Web

By Michael May 25, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

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In the world of tits there are few that can compete with Abigail Ratchford’s sweater hams. Well, they are going to be featured in Playboy. Finally, a reason to keep on living.

Read all about the coming tit storm. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio’s cleavage will make your male parts happy. (Egotastic)

Kris Jenner is now getting shit for NOT using the N-word. You can’t fucking win. (TMZ)

Selena Gomez wears a see-through bodysuit lingerie combo because Selena Gomez. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jehane Gigi Paris in a bikini is a wonderful fucking thing, y’all. (Popoholic)

Katy Perry hasn’t talked to man-woman Russell Brand since he broke up with her via text. (Dlisted)

What better way to celebrate Memorial Day than looking at giant tits. (The Chive)

Abigail Ratchford Seems Comfortable In Her Own Skin

By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 2:14 PM

Abigail Ratchford Poses In Lingerie
People who claim I never have anything nice to say have never seen me fawn disgustingly over attractive women. That’s when every cloyingly sweet statement I’ve ever conceived comes rolling out in a diarrhetic length of mumbles that ensures I’m one flinch away from a rape whistle to the ear. I should admire men who are more confident around beautiful women, but I just assume they’re gay or serial killers or gay serial killers. If I ever met this chick I’d probably tell her she smells like the pleasant floral douches and ask if I can chew her used gum. Commence the whistle.

Photo Credit: Kandy Magazine

Abigail Ratchford in A Bikini for Ebola Water

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 8:52 AM

Abigail Ratchford Poses In String Bikini For 138 Water In Beverly Hills
It turns out the Ebola River wasn’t even the closest tributary to where the deadly virus was first documented in the then Zaire. Somebody read the map wrong and unfairly and forever tarnished what I’m sure is an otherwise perfectly nice feces and carcass filled waterway in the Northern Congo. That’s how easy it is to get a bad rap. You do shit once or twice to pay the rent and suddenly you’re being called a tranny hooker in the police blotter and your mom won’t speak to you. These chicks modeling for this bottled water ruse had better think twice about how the alien invasion survivors are going to treat them. A conspirator is likely to be treated more kindly if she happens to have amazing tits, but she’ll be marked nonetheless. Some kind of obvious badge of shame like having to attend public events with David Spade. Payback won’t be kind. Though I’ll grant you these gigs still trump working the makeup counter at Nordstrom.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet