Abigail Ratchford Seems Comfortable In Her Own Skin

By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 2:14 PM

Abigail Ratchford Poses In Lingerie
People who claim I never have anything nice to say have never seen me fawn disgustingly over attractive women. That’s when every cloyingly sweet statement I’ve ever conceived comes rolling out in a diarrhetic length of mumbles that ensures I’m one flinch away from a rape whistle to the ear. I should admire men who are more confident around beautiful women, but I just assume they’re gay or serial killers or gay serial killers. If I ever met this chick I’d probably tell her she smells like the pleasant floral douches and ask if I can chew her used gum. Commence the whistle.

Photo Credit: Kandy Magazine

Abigail Ratchford in A Bikini for Ebola Water

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 8:52 AM

Abigail Ratchford Poses In String Bikini For 138 Water In Beverly Hills
It turns out the Ebola River wasn’t even the closest tributary to where the deadly virus was first documented in the then Zaire. Somebody read the map wrong and unfairly and forever tarnished what I’m sure is an otherwise perfectly nice feces and carcass filled waterway in the Northern Congo. That’s how easy it is to get a bad rap. You do shit once or twice to pay the rent and suddenly you’re being called a tranny hooker in the police blotter and your mom won’t speak to you. These chicks modeling for this bottled water ruse had better think twice about how the alien invasion survivors are going to treat them. A conspirator is likely to be treated more kindly if she happens to have amazing tits, but she’ll be marked nonetheless. Some kind of obvious badge of shame like having to attend public events with David Spade. Payback won’t be kind. Though I’ll grant you these gigs still trump working the makeup counter at Nordstrom.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Abigail Ratchford Could Almost Be Called Topless

By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 4:34 PM

Abigail Ratchford Topless And Covered For A Photo Shoot In Malibu
I’m not quite sure if Abigail Ratchford is trying to maintain her modesty or squeezing off a milk shot into the stalked eyes of sand crab. I don’t care. She’s the new hot thing in Los Angeles area beach modeling and the perfect teachable moment to talk to your kids about sex. I might start with boys have a penis and girls have a vagina, but I’d skip quickly to how awesome it is to flop around in bed with a girl with massive hooters. Make sure you get to tell your son about French fucking before Abigail puts on a towel and school ends abruptly. The world needs great teachers.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Abigail Ratchford In A White Bikini

By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 12:43 PM

Abigail Ratchford In A White Bikini For A Photo Shoot On The Beach In Malibu
Abigail Ratchford is a Midwestern model looking for opportunities in Los Angeles. Before packing up and moving to Hollywood, she drew a line in the sand. No topless or nude modeling under any circumstances. I know because she wrote it quite clearly on her model page. I find it admirable that girls still have the fortitude to take such moral stands. Also, it’s fun to guess what fake name she’ll use when the rent comes due and it’s time to unless those monster yabbos. Though Abigail Ratchford might already be that name.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet