Adam Levine Sugar Bombed

By Matt May 08, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

ALEV

Some guy threw a bag of sugar at Adam Levine on his way into the Jimmy Kimmel show and nailed him right in the grill. The guy was arrested on charges of battery. If you or I called the cops and told them someone threw a bag of powdered sugar on us, they’d tell us to stop being such a pussy and fight like a man. I’m not excusing this behavior by any means. First it’s powdered sugar, next we’re moving onto sprinkles and people start getting hurt. I’m pretty sure the Jackass guys do worse things to unsuspecting strangers all the time. Standing in line to watch Adam Levine enter a building is a major sign of psychosis whether you want to fuck or kill him, as evidenced by a woman in attendance who witnessed the event:

“I think this guy had it planned. It was a brown bag with tape around it, which was weird.”

Holy shit it was premeditated. I figured the dude just constantly walked around with a bomb made out of powdered sugar in case he had to impromptu decorate a stripper cake while in a hurry. If you had to pick one guy to nail in the face with powdered sugar you couldn’t do much better. It wouldn’t be funny if it was a crippled old lady or Bill Gates as he took off his glasses and cried in a fetal position. Sometimes even douche bags hit the mark. You just lost your LA privileges.

Photo Credit: CBSN/Youtube 

Behati Prinsloo Prone To Sausage Fests

By Matt April 20, 2015 @ 8:23 AM

LEVINE

Victoria’s Secret angel and chick who fucks Adam Levine with a straight face Behati Prinsloo posted a photo of herself in a chlamydia oozing pool and captioned it with “#Casual#Dudesoup#mexico.” The only thing casual about this panic inducing cess pond is the ease at which these gents are staring at your ass while they urinate. Perhaps there’s a language barrier but you don’t want to be throwing the phrase Dude Soup around unless you are seeking another modeling contract and are ordering a bowl of it. You’re on salary now. They can’t hurt you anymore. Sometimes when you are rocking a pretty husband you feel the need to be in the presence of a bunch of smelly dude bros eating pool nachos. Not that you’d act on whatever gang bang fantasies you may or may not have. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. It’s like the smoker who quit a few months back but doesn’t mind if you blow it in your face. We had some good times. This is business.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Behati Prinsloo Nip Slip At Oscar Party

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 10:24 AM

Behati Prinsloo Nip Slip At Vanity Fair Oscar Party
Like much of America, the entrance of Maroon 5 at the Oscars signaled a four minute window to take a much needed dump. If I want to see handsome men moping, I can sit outside any casting call in this town. That is how I intend to spend my golden years. Watching those who God anointed beautiful realizing once more they will be on their knees that evening blowing for their rent money. Fuck the pigeons in the park. Cosmic vengeance won’t shit on your jacket.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Adam Levine and His Wife Who Looks Better in Modeling Photos Seem Lovable

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Behati Prinsloo Wears Crop Top Showing Off Toned Abs While Attending A Lakers Game With Husband Adam Levine
There are things I love about Los Angeles. The weather, the Mexican food so authentic the tortillas have tuberculosis baked right in, the fact that girls don’t ask lots of followup questions when you tell them you work in the moving pictures business. Then there’s shit I hate. I could make a list, but a photo of Adam Levine, his Namibian model wife, and court-side Lakers seats about sums it up. It’s that singular moment when all that Al Qaeda ranted crap from caves about Western evils kind of makes sense. Not enough sense to wrap a towel around my head and fly to Damascus to behead journalism majors, but enough that if I stumbled into a Prodigy chat room where jihadis were plotting to kidnap Adam Levine to show the infidels who was boss, I’d probably not report them. Does that make me un-American or the best American ever? History will decide.

Photo Credit: Splash/AKM-GSI

Adam Levine Gets Married (Fuck Yeah, Tool) And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 21, 2014 @ 1:14 PM

Adam-Levin-and-Behati-Prinsloo

Adam Levine somehow managed to land himself a Victoria’s Secret model wife. It reminds me of a little piece of advice my grandfather gave me when I asked him why girls didn’t want to date sweet lovable guys like me, “Mijo, chicks are fucking crazy and they love assholes”.

Read all about the fucktard and his Namibian princess bride. (Dlisted)

Lea Michele may be a killer shrew, but she wears a bikini well, damn her. (Drunken Stepfather)

Selena Gomez wears one of your grandma’s doilies and still gives you a hard-on. (Huffington Post)

Casey Kasem’s mummified corpse has gone missing. (The Superficial)

Emily Ratajkowski is practically swimming out of this bikini. (The Chive)

Homunculus ‘roidhead The Rock is going to render unto us Shazam. (io9)

Former Miss Universe Olivia Culpo remains super fucking hot.(TMZ)

Adam Levine’s New Hair Is So Cool

By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

In one of the celebrity whoring videos that Proactiv passes off as a commercial, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine talks about how he used to be a total loser geek like the rest of us before he became a huge star. He had really bad acne in high school and that crushed his self-esteem, but then he got his hands on some magic face-cleaning jizz and suddenly he was a huge global music superstar and one of the people on The Voice. Somewhere in between, his heart was also ripped out of his chest by Anne V., so he made up for it by getting engaged to Behati Prinsloo, who he posed with in this otherwise stupid selfie of his new blond hairstyle. The point of this is that we should all make fun of Adam for being a huge douchebag, but he probably doesn’t give two shits what anyone thinks of him anymore. And if he does, he’ll wait until after he’s done finishing on Behati’s chest to let us know about it.

Photo Credits: Adam Levine’s Twitter