Victoria’s Secret Intends to Win the Super Bowl

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 1:28 PM

Victoria Secret Superbowl Commercial Promo Shoot
People who say the commercials are the best part about the Super Bowl have never seen Katy Perry sing over a pre-recorded track to staged multicultural fans screaming their heads off. Until they allow tits on network television, the game itself will always be better. You can’t beat football with not football and not tits. Victoria’s Secret is going to try with a lingerie ad. It’ll tempt millions of men to buy lingerie for their ladies on Valentine’s Day because they’re either dating Adriana Lima or they’re stupid. Why not just buy her a fungo bat and tell her to rupture your ball sac. Leave looking good in underwear to the professionals. Everybody else just looks modestly okay on down to ‘I wouldn’t have done that’. The next time your lady says she buys lingerie to look good for herself, mumble, you’re telling me. But mumble it really softly or out comes the fucking fungo.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

The 2015 Pirelli Calendar Is Here

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:15 PM

Gigi Hadid
Back in the days when you could eat steak rare and colonic with Camel smoke and bang your secretary over a metal desk, men kept pin up calendars on their wall. Now that move will cost you two weeks in a re-education camp beneath Vassar’s rugby field. Pirelli has been publishing a calendar of models since 1964, distributed to product resellers in shops and garages across the western world. Most of those calendars have since been replaced by Federal workplace rules and regulations written in Spanish and Hmong. But so long as photographers are interested in getting good looking models to distant tropical ports for the purposes of mild rape, these calendars will never go away. A couple years ago Pirelli tried turning their calendar into some G-rated artsy shit but several dudes from Big-O tires flew to the Pirelli headquarters and burned the building down. Now tits are back to provide context.

Photo Credit: Pirelli

Adriana Lima Seems Helpful

By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 3:42 PM

Adriana Lima Poses For Victoria Secret Lingerie
Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t be happier f I were having copious sex with a Brazilian supermodel girlfriend. It’s easy to think so. When my landlord told me I was late with rent again, I’d quit stressing and just start humping my Brazilian supermodel girlfriend. When the entire office noted I was losing to all three girls in my Fantasy Football League, I’d think, girls, heck, I got one of those at home. She’s a Brazilian supermodel. I’m going home to fuck her now. I feel better already. My new iPhone 6 just bent? Bend over Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, I’ve got some misplaced feelings to work out. That certainly seems happier than a beer and whacking off to hacked photos of Kaley Cuoco. It sucks to never know for sure.

Photo Credit: Victoria Secret

Adriana Lima Filming in a Thong

By Lex August 11, 2014 @ 9:40 AM

Adriana Lima Films A Scene For Victoria's Secret In A Bra And Thong In Los Angeles
Adriana Lima seems like a talented actress. I hate to critique her style but maybe a little lighter on the ass bruises for her thong work. It’s always fun to imagine how an attractive woman comes by her sub-gluteal hematomas. I generally go with S&M dungeon paddle, though that’s only because jealousy prevents me from admitting it’s somebody’s thumbs not my own. A little powder could clear that up. Unless you’re a raped slave, you’re not winning an Oscar with visible bruises on your ass.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Adriana Lima Seems Lonely

By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Adriana Lima In A Green Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I hate to see anybody unhappy. Seeing a good looking woman with a melancholy look makes me want to take her out for a drink while we mock the less attractive people around us. Myself excluded as I’m buying. Adriana Lima wasn’t going to stay married to an retired athlete for very long. Super model pussy doesn’t work like that. It needs fortune and fame to turn the tumblers. Marko Juric will likely comfort himself with one of the better looking girls from Serbia, but Brazilian A-grade is reserved strictly for current professional athletes and platinum selling rock band members. I didn’t invent the rules, I’m just explaining them.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash

Adriana Lima In Your Dad’s Jock

By Lex June 06, 2014 @ 3:09 PM

Adriana-Lima-Flashes-Nipple-In-The-June-2014-Issue-Of-Vogue-Italia-lb
Europeans are always fucking things up. D-Day is as good a day as any other to remember how many times we’ve had to pull Europe’s ass out of the fryer. Do we get so much as a thank you. Hardly. We get cowboy jokes and sneers and mocking condescension from people sipping milk out of eco-friendly non-refrigerate refillable vacu-pouches. It’s like having a disaffected Goth kid in the house who eats your food and then talks shit about you in his Fey the Dark Lord chat room. Fuck you, Europe. I’ll rip that nipple ring right off your pouty bare man tit. I guess I’m mostly over WWII. Putting Adriana Lima in a hybrid rugby-soccer-lacrosse jock is another matter. It’s insane that you’re still considered a continent.

Photo Credit: Vogue Italia