Coachella Happened, It Will Happen Again

By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 11:23 AM

Hollywood At Coachella Alessandra Ambrosio LB
Coachella isn’t just about the cutting edge of Madonna and Drake kissing on stage, it’s about the people. If you’re a ticket buyer who spent their entire last paycheck from the Coffee Bean on a single wristband, you’re in with the tens of thousands sweaty masses taking ecstasy and imagining you’re a musical vanguard. If you’ve got a decent publicist, you’re in the cordoned off wide open area for the celebrities and their pharmaceutical reps. Tell your stylist to read up on Woodstock so she can outfit your appropriately. Bring a boy to make out with because you didn’t do high school and missed all the Hootie concerts. Bad girls dressed like injuns go to the front of the Arts Festival line. Have somebody tell you the name of your favorite band there and hope you don’t get a rash. Don’t forget the second weekend.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Alessandra Ambrosio Too Skinny To Model

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 11:43 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Wears Jean Shorts While Out To Lunch
American politicians are weak-kneed knob gobblers. But they still lick the French. Those fuckers wake up every day and ask themselves how can we be more like our hero, the prison bitch. Legislators in France are pushing a law that will compel the French fashion industry to only employ models with a minimum body mass index of 18. 18 is considered bottom of the viably healthy range by the World Health Organization. 16′s and 17′s are more common among your starving types in the Sudan and cotton ball eaters getting paid six-figures to hit the catwalk during Fashion Week. Alessandra Ambrosio would be fucked. She’s a 16.8, which approximates the girth of a cancer patient just before the priest arrives for last rites. And so what? There’s no company that doesn’t want Alessandra modeling their clothes. There’s no man that doesn’t want to bang her skeletal frame while her judgement wanes from low blood sugar.

She seems happy. Who the fuck are the French to tell her she’s a danger to herself and a poor role model for girls. She’s the perfect role model for girls who want to be rich and famous fashion models. If that’s your thing, say goodbye to food. You want to be a sumo wrestler, you’ll eat ten times a day. Pick your job according to your love of Wendy’s and if you want a 2 or a 4 in front of your jean’s waist size. If France really cared about girls, they’d make it illegal for chain smoking men in scarves to enlist middle schools girls into their photo modeling studios. Forcing a girl to watch a gloomy man pleasure himself to a Johnny Hallyday rock anthem is far worse than convincing her not to eat on days that end in a ‘y’.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Alessandra Ambrosio Arm Bra (VIDEO)

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:05 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Arm Bra For Love Magazine Advent Calendar
If you’re not getting an invite to be in this Love Magazine Christmas not quite nude melange, you ought start figuring out how to get frigid magazine editors to anoint you the next Lena Dunham. Every girl with a pretty smile and a nice ass has been featured in these videos this month. They even let Kris Jenner pose after she promised to buy a ton of copies and not flash the triple-6′s etched into her skull during The Creation. Not being featured in this feature is like going through college without getting an STD. It only means you weren’t popular.

Photo Credit Love Magazine

Alessandra Ambrosio Dresses Up For The AIDS

By Lex December 11, 2014 @ 9:37 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Wears A Slit Up To her Waist At ACRIAs 19th Annual Holliday Dinner Nyc
Only but a few know the sublime torture of having the neighborhood’s best looking mom. The good looking brunette for whom the prevailing laws indicate must pick up her children from school in Spandex workout gear. I don’t care if she’s going to raise money for The AIDS or bringing oranges to your soccer game, you can’t hide from the communally imagined carnal sins of your hot mom. I’d jury nullify any charges up to homicide for a kid whose mom was a Brazilian lingerie model. There’s no support group or government program for that. You want to tell me about your rough life growing up without a dad in the bad part of town. Boo fucking hoo. Trying having a mom all your friends want to fuck the minute their balls drops. Then you will know suffering.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Alessandra Ambrosio Does Yoga Pretty Well

By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Booty In Leggings While Doing Yoga In The Park In Santa Monica
In a perfect world, attractive women who’ve fled Brazil to the safety of Brentwood would all be forced into yoga in the park to pay their fake Obama fines for not waiting in line for immigration. It would be a soft force as they all pretty much do it instinctually without being instructed. It’s easy to imagine how simple life would be if your daily routine consisted of Soul Cycling and having virgin boys from Polynesia with unusually high Vitamin A counts urinate on your face to cure makeup acne. It’s not the burn, it’s the humbling that gets you.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Victoria’s Secret 2014 Fashion Show British Style

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM

Victoria Secret 2014 Fashion Show
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI