GQ Remains In the Closet

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 11:39 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Bikinis For GQ
GQ used to be more subtle in its emasculation like going with your girl to see Pitch Perfect because you claim it will get you laid or trying on silk shirts thinking it makes you look gangster. The gloves are off. The GQ editorial staff decided they couldn’t just show a Brazilian model in a bikini in their annual body issue so they added a soccer player topless on a scooter. I don’t care how many hot chicks Ronaldo bangs, he looks like the dude way to happy about same sex sleepover parties. It’s one thing to employ seminal male figures to model fashion. It’s another to feature a dude in a banana hammock grinning on your cover. One I can explain to my coworkers over drinks at happy hour. The latter has my parents lamenting having occasionally dressed me in my sisters hand me down semi-unisex sweaters. Quit signing me up for wilderness survival camps, dad. We’re all God’s children.

Photo Credit: GQ

Alessandra Ambrosio Rolls Her Bare Ass on America

By Lex December 11, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Disrespects America
It’s always a humdinger when some hot chick in a bikini disrespects the Stars and Stripes. According to my Farmer’s Almanac, this Danger Zone melange violates about seventeen different rules of treating Old Glory like the reverent symbol she is. If this was some ISIS dude wearing only a keffiyeh, we’d have boots on the ground in Syria by noon. The mom you badly want to fuck writhing around an American flag submerged in a pool requires some higher level thinking. Can we deport her after the retributory love making? I’ll be thinking of Betsy Ross so I can last longer. This is for the stars and this is for the stripes. Savages.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Alessandra Ambrosio Pokies

By Lex November 17, 2015 @ 11:19 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Pokies In Tight Sweater
Alessandra Ambrosio is a constant reminder that if you’re handsome and wealthy you get to marry and have sex with tall attractive women. Also, you do exceedingly well with offers in 24 Hour Fitness saunas. This could be that male privilege thing feminists glean through the study of HuffPo and Jezebel like it’s torah. But ask the fat broke guy how his privilege is working out for him. He’s going to get prostate cancer like the rest of us without the model pussy war stories to share in the ambulatory care unit. Female privilege is pure myth, but if it existed I bet it’d look like cycling at the gym and organizing lunch plans with your girlfriends. Keep dreaming, ladies.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Alessandra Ambrosio Seems Like a Good Devil

By Lex November 02, 2015 @ 12:02 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Sexy Red Devil At 1OAK
You don’t get the parent you want, you get the parent you need. If you see your mom hawking her tits outside a nightclub on Halloween in a devil costume, just know that she’s trying hard to keep you fed and in a decent full tuition pre-school. You think Brazilian bikini models don’t have bills to pay? Fuck you. What do you know of their struggles. Did you get your vagina tested for latex allergies. This is the first time I’ve been scared this Halloween.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Alessandra Ambrosio No Panties Either

By Lex October 30, 2015 @ 9:40 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Cutout Dress
Mickey Rourke used to keep this commando shit in check by getting loaded and trying to finger fuck all these models at dress up events. Brazilians, Australians, who isn’t coming to this shining city on the hill and taking of their panties? Congratulations on the award. Of course I voted for you. I can see where your anchor babies come from.

Photo Credit: Getty

Alessandra Ambrosio Bikini Salesgirl

By Lex October 26, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Promotes Her Own Bikini Line
You can’t get lazier than a bikini business if you’re a bikini model. It doesn’t speak to deep thought on branching out from your day job. The bikini line name ‘Ale’, the first three letters of her own name. How much thought did that take and what came in second? This would be the right time for somebody to announce that Alessandra Ambrosio’s not dumb like all the other really good looking underwear models. Jessica Alba had a baby and figured out that moms buy diapers. The rest of you just got lapped.

Photo Credit: Alessandra Swimwear