By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 3:22 PM
Alessandra Ambrosio was back in her native Brazil portraying a street whore sucking on a lollipop. At some point we’ll see Hillary Clinton pushing this same pose in her continuing ‘I’m just like you’ common woman image rebuild. For Alessandra, she’s playing on one of the archetypal characters in Brazilian lore. The saucy Rio street walker. She’s like our Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to free and I will steal their kidneys while they’re unconscious in the motel that Gustavo supervises. That’s a loose translation.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex June 03, 2014 @ 2:58 PM
Moms who show off their boobs and ass and panties bunched up in their crotch are really the best kind of moms. My mom used to give out missile pops to the kids in the neighborhood so they wouldn’t believe me when I told them how she routinely beat me after losing in Indian Bingo. Clever, but not nearly as effective as being the super hot mom. If Alessandra Ambrosio coldly slaughtered six school children in front of you then told you not to tell or they’d not let the two of you and her tits be together anymore, you’d keep quiet until the tits ran out. That’s just how these things go. If we had a hot looking female President, she’d respond to all the grousing this morning by saying ‘negotiating with the Taliban makes me horny’ then suck on her forefinger. All the men would shut up and nod their heads and go back to imagining banging her in the Oval Office while the Secret Service lightly applauds.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 5:57 PM
Alessandra Ambrosio is a mom of some unknown number of children and married to some random guy who looks good in beach shirts. She knows it’s not easy for women with super firm abs and tight butts to get adequate support for their absolutely perfect post-natal breasts. You can’t just engage that step exercise that trainers made up so guys at the gym could watch women jiggle without the proper underwire. Alessandra takes time away from shipping bulk containers of Smarties to children in the City of God slums to tour the nation’s Victoria’s Secret stores and hold out her hands in product model pose. If your sports bra doesn’t have a zipper, how the hell are your tits going to breathe? Sorry, I was paraphrasing Alessandra’s body language.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
There’s really no better way for a world famous model whose catchphrase is “Forever on Vacation” to celebrate a day that honors the men and women who have served and given their lives over so many years than by wearing a bikini and grilling up some chicken. That is, after all, why Memorial Day was created, so a woman like Alessandra Ambrosio, whose entire career has been built one her one-dimensional “talent,” can get an extra day of vacation during a period of her life when every day is an actual vacation to her, even when she’s being paid absurd amounts of money to wearing bathing suits while people point cameras at her. All of America’s greatest generals and soldiers would have probably agreed that a world without Alessandra’s bikini on display would be a world not worth protecting.
Photo Credit: Alessandra Ambrosio’s Instagram
By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 12:45 PM
We have a lot of laws in this country. I once counted. It’s more than ten. We could add one more forcing foreign models to wear short shorts year round in public. It’d be the price of admission to our land which has its flaws, but doesn’t have malaria and kidnappings and vampires like most of the countries these girls come from. You don’t like the new rules, go back to Moldovastan and get yourself some scabies in a subterranean white slavery holding pen. We don’t have that here. We have drive-thru Starbucks and high speed Internet. So put on your fucking shorts.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash