By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
If you’re not getting an invite to be in this Love Magazine Christmas not quite nude melange, you ought start figuring out how to get frigid magazine editors to anoint you the next Lena Dunham. Every girl with a pretty smile and a nice ass has been featured in these videos this month. They even let Kris Jenner pose after she promised to buy a ton of copies and not flash the triple-6′s etched into her skull during The Creation. Not being featured in this feature is like going through college without getting an STD. It only means you weren’t popular.
Photo Credit Love Magazine
By Lex December 11, 2014 @ 9:37 AM
Only but a few know the sublime torture of having the neighborhood’s best looking mom. The good looking brunette for whom the prevailing laws indicate must pick up her children from school in Spandex workout gear. I don’t care if she’s going to raise money for The AIDS or bringing oranges to your soccer game, you can’t hide from the communally imagined carnal sins of your hot mom. I’d jury nullify any charges up to homicide for a kid whose mom was a Brazilian lingerie model. There’s no support group or government program for that. You want to tell me about your rough life growing up without a dad in the bad part of town. Boo fucking hoo. Trying having a mom all your friends want to fuck the minute their balls drops. Then you will know suffering.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 2:26 PM
In a perfect world, attractive women who’ve fled Brazil to the safety of Brentwood would all be forced into yoga in the park to pay their fake Obama fines for not waiting in line for immigration. It would be a soft force as they all pretty much do it instinctually without being instructed. It’s easy to imagine how simple life would be if your daily routine consisted of Soul Cycling and having virgin boys from Polynesia with unusually high Vitamin A counts urinate on your face to cure makeup acne. It’s not the burn, it’s the humbling that gets you.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 1:33 PM
A guy once tried to punch me for calling Brazilians, Latinos. Because I obviously am deeply versed in the colonial studies of South America, which gay priests killed which natives and took over which countries before being handed over to bearded dictators in a revolving door of coupes, counter coupes, and decade after decade of the same fucking music that was super popular on West African radio in the late 18th century. I barely remember my own country’s origins. What I do remember has been modified to ‘those dudes raped people with smallpox and owned slaves and we hate them now’. I got nothing, Brazilians. I know you don’t speak Spanish, you speak Portuguese, which is Spain’s next door neighbor and you look the same to me and smell like paella. What I meant to say was, there’s Brazilian Alessandra Ambrosio and her boobs at the Latin Grammy’s. Let’s go crack her over the skull with some maracas.
Photo Credit: The Grosby Group/AKM-GSI
By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Everything done by an attractive woman merits some form of social contract waiver. That includes up to selfies and manslaughter. Stinky dumps without lighting a match, the jury is still out. If God gave you the looks of Venus, why not document your perfect tits for the world. Snap those raw self-portraits so Aspy dudes in JuCo’s can hack into your cloud and share how much curtain you’re hanging with the rest of us. This wank bank ecosystem only works if the good looking women remain more egotistical than selfish.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet