Friday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 8:24 PM


ALICIA KEYS – will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans on February 3rd. Or 4th, or 5th, or whenever it is that Saints fans run out of beer bottles to throw at Roger Goodell and they can start the game. (e!)

AMERICAN IDOL – returned Wednesday and had it’s lowest ratings ever for a season premiere, down 19 percent from last year, which itself was down 24 percent from the year before. Fox has had no comment so far, but one theory is that the show is pointless and terrible. (cnn)

MICHAEL J. FOX – would not be happy if his son ever ended up dating Taylor Swift because she “writes songs about everybody she goes out with.” She also has a pointy nose like a little rat if that helps his cause any. (vulture)

KATY PERRY – will join Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Usher, Brad Paisley, Chris Cornell,, John Legend, Ke$ha, and dozens more to perform at multiple parties for President Obama’s inauguration on Monday, an event which will cost taxpayers around $115 million for a fake ceremony because he’ll actually be sworn in, privately, the day before. It’s part of a traditional bi-partisan policy called, “We’re Broke Because We Spend Your Tax Money On Ourselves And Other Stupid Shit So Then We Take More Because You Can Go Fuck Yourself”. (huff post)

ZOMBIELAND – might finally become a TV show, which was actually the idea from the very beginning before it became a movie. The show will still revolve around the 4 main characters from the movie, and whether or not they can escape from a brain dead slug that takes 30 minutes to cross the street. (io9)


By brendon October 01, 2008 @ 7:30 PM

The Jack White and Alicia Keys song for the next James Bond movie finally has a video, and it's way way worse than you could have ever imagined.  Jack White is awesome, but Alicia Keys is ridiculously out of place.  Her voice is way too small for this.  If her voice her was big as her ass, we'd be all set. 


By brendon February 04, 2008 @ 10:01 AM

Alicia Keys, Paula Abdul and Jordin Sparks were three of the big performers at last nights Super Bowl, unless you include Tom Petty, whose band took time off from brisk walks around the mall and using their car bumper to beg me to ask about their grandkids. Of the three chicks, Keys was clearly the best, and it really wasn’t even remotely close considering she was the only one who actually sang. Page Six says:

Paula not only faux sang her way through “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” but even the dancing, which was once her strongest skill, was weaker than the drinks they were serving at the concession stands. But the American Idol judge wasn’t the only one affiliated with the show to come up short — Jordin Sparks, last season’s champ had the honor of singing The National Anthem.
While Jordin did sound amazing, much of that was thanks to the backing track which was painfully obvious at several points during the performance. Fueling the lip sync fires was the fact that mere moments after Jordin delivered her rendition, a full version of the song was available on iTunes for 99 cents.

You can watch Paula again in the video above.  Then you can stir some household cleaners with your dick or maybe stand behind a donkey while a friend throws rocks at it's balls and decide which is more fun.  Keep in mind, donkeys are funny!


By brendon March 01, 2007 @ 11:21 AM

Alicia Keys – last night on stage with John Mayer in New York to sing "Gravity" – has the biggest ass I've ever seen.  Honest to god, I think she might be a centaur.


By brendon August 15, 2006 @ 11:41 AM

Alicia Keys says she made her boyfriend wait a year for sex because she is "too beautiful" to give herself to someone she didn’t think was special.  Starpulse says:

"I made him wait a year because my body is too beautiful to be violated by someone who doesn't deserve it."

You know you're in for a good time when a girl refers to consensual sex as being "violated".  Four wild minutes of "no" and "I don't do that" and "you're on my hair'"and "eww, it's all over me".  Rowr!  And I don't know how to break this to you hun, but you're kinda fug.  Except replace "kinda" with "really".  And fug with … well, no "fug" about says it.   Oh hey, look, I guess I did know how to break it to you.  You also have a big ass.  And bad skin.  And hair on your chest.  The dude waited a year because he didn’t really want to fuck you.   I haven’t had sex with my fish tank yet, but not because I'm "“patient".  It's because I'm a little tease!