Alicia Keys Is Pregnant And Topless For Peace

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 8:02 AM

Alicia Keys Is Pregnant And Topless For Peace

Photo Credit: Instagram

Alicia Keys’ Message Lacks Focus

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 10:52 AM

AK

Alicia Keys or someone with more money than its author paid for an op in the New York Times which takes on the controversial view that she is amazing. Pulling every punch, the suck fest explains how Keys’ heart wrenching decision to take ten minutes and finger paint a peace sign onto her swollen pregnant gut is a gesture of heroism worthy of a Purple Heart:

“Alicia Keys said she knew this image would draw attention, which is just what she wants as she builds an army of fans who want to make the world a better place for all.”

Keys took $1 million dollars of personal tax write offs and donated to a variety of charities. She encourages her fans to do the same, presumably unless they run out of pancake mix for the children after paying Ticketmaster’s $12 dollar service fees to watch her lecture them between loud covers at The Garden. Keys laid out in detail the charities those who want to change the world should donate to, preferably without researching their payroll situations:

“All Out, a gay rights organization; CARE, the aid group; Equal Justice Initiative, which combats racial inequity in the criminal justice system; the Future Project, which empowers high school students in America; Girl Rising, which supports girls’ education around the world; Keep a Child Alive, which helps children affected by H.I.V. and AIDS; Moms Rising, which supports universal prekindergarten, maternal leaves and tighter gun laws; Oxfam, which fights global poverty; Partners in Health, which tackles disease worldwide; the Trevor Project, which prevents suicide among gay and lesbian youths; the Trayvon Martin Foundation, which fights racial profiling; and War Child, which supports children in conflict areas.”

Her effort must be commended, yet Keys failed to explicitly detail the most crucial part of her quest to save humanity from the 0.7 percent of humanity making more coin than her. One can give all the money in the world but we will not see real change until we pose naked and paint our temporarily engorged torsos with meaningless and simplified symbols proven to be futile. If there was one thing we learned in Vietnam, it’s that everyone is full of shit.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Friday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 8:24 PM

american-idol-2013

ALICIA KEYS – will sing the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans on February 3rd. Or 4th, or 5th, or whenever it is that Saints fans run out of beer bottles to throw at Roger Goodell and they can start the game. (e!)

AMERICAN IDOL – returned Wednesday and had it’s lowest ratings ever for a season premiere, down 19 percent from last year, which itself was down 24 percent from the year before. Fox has had no comment so far, but one theory is that the show is pointless and terrible. (cnn)

MICHAEL J. FOX – would not be happy if his son ever ended up dating Taylor Swift because she “writes songs about everybody she goes out with.” She also has a pointy nose like a little rat if that helps his cause any. (vulture)

KATY PERRY – will join Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Usher, Brad Paisley, Chris Cornell, Will.i.am, John Legend, Ke$ha, and dozens more to perform at multiple parties for President Obama’s inauguration on Monday, an event which will cost taxpayers around $115 million for a fake ceremony because he’ll actually be sworn in, privately, the day before. It’s part of a traditional bi-partisan policy called, “We’re Broke Because We Spend Your Tax Money On Ourselves And Other Stupid Shit So Then We Take More Because You Can Go Fuck Yourself”. (huff post)

ZOMBIELAND – might finally become a TV show, which was actually the idea from the very beginning before it became a movie. The show will still revolve around the 4 main characters from the movie, and whether or not they can escape from a brain dead slug that takes 30 minutes to cross the street. (io9)

THIS DID NOT WORK AT ALL

By brendon October 01, 2008 @ 7:30 PM

The Jack White and Alicia Keys song for the next James Bond movie finally has a video, and it's way way worse than you could have ever imagined.  Jack White is awesome, but Alicia Keys is ridiculously out of place.  Her voice is way too small for this.  If her voice her was big as her ass, we'd be all set. 

PAULA ABDUL HAS STILL GOT IT

By brendon February 04, 2008 @ 10:01 AM

Alicia Keys, Paula Abdul and Jordin Sparks were three of the big performers at last nights Super Bowl, unless you include Tom Petty, whose band took time off from brisk walks around the mall and using their car bumper to beg me to ask about their grandkids. Of the three chicks, Keys was clearly the best, and it really wasn’t even remotely close considering she was the only one who actually sang. Page Six says:

Paula not only faux sang her way through “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” but even the dancing, which was once her strongest skill, was weaker than the drinks they were serving at the concession stands. But the American Idol judge wasn’t the only one affiliated with the show to come up short — Jordin Sparks, last season’s champ had the honor of singing The National Anthem.
While Jordin did sound amazing, much of that was thanks to the backing track which was painfully obvious at several points during the performance. Fueling the lip sync fires was the fact that mere moments after Jordin delivered her rendition, a full version of the song was available on iTunes for 99 cents.

You can watch Paula again in the video above.  Then you can stir some household cleaners with your dick or maybe stand behind a donkey while a friend throws rocks at it's balls and decide which is more fun.  Keep in mind, donkeys are funny!



DAMN

By brendon March 01, 2007 @ 11:21 AM

Alicia Keys – last night on stage with John Mayer in New York to sing "Gravity" – has the biggest ass I've ever seen.  Honest to god, I think she might be a centaur.