Zoe Saldana Isn’t Nude

By Lex May 14, 2013 @ 6:13 PM

Zoe Saldana Cover Shoot For June Issue Of Allure Magazine
The big press release I got said ‘Zoe Saldana is nude in this month’s Allure!’. Okay, it wasn’t a press release so much as FSI in Glamour that fell out when I was perusing an article about how to Ombre your own hair. It was for a friend. Fuck, I said too much. The point is, Zoe Saldana is not nude in the magazine. She has no clothes. She’s technically nude. But, again, I call upon Stripper Law to plainly state that when a neon light blinks ‘LIVE NUDE GIRLS’, you’re going to see both Hooties and the Blowfish. If they wheel a girl out and she’s twisted up into a PG-rated pretzel, at least the DJ is now dead. There ought to be about 20 terms in the English language that when intentionally misused in advertising result in the punishment of death. Strip show, nude girls, free fries…

Photo Credit: Allure Magazine

The Rest of the Allure Magazine Not Quite Nudes

By Lex April 17, 2013 @ 1:35 PM

Jennifer Morrison Nude In May Allure
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hypocrisy. Well, hypocrisy and canned tuna fish. I’m sorry, I know you love fish that comes compressed in a can, but it’s simply not natural. But I don’t have to eat it, I do have to swallow the hypocrisy of corporate America by way of a bunch of really backwards thinking people who believe that seeing naked chicks onscreen or in magazines will be the ruin of us all. They see bare tits and reflexively drop to their knees to genuflect for Judgement Day. Which is cool, just stop dragging everybody with you. I don’t want to see magazines where girls I like from TV are naked but twisted around so you can’t see their fun parts. What’s the point of that? Put some clothes on, or take them off, this hypocrisy in the middle is worse than canned fish.

Here’s Christa Miller, Naya Rivera, Jennifer Morrison, and Clare Bowen not showing their nipples or vaginas.

Photo Credit: Allure Magazine