Alyssa Milano, Not Without My Baby Milk

By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 9:48 AM


Fucking Brits confiscated Milano’s bottled of freshly pumped teat juice at Heathrow Airport because they have a rule limiting liquids to 100 ml containers, which I’m told is about four ounces. They do make an exception for larger quantities of baby milk on the off chance you have a baby present. Milano was traveling alone, but being the Joan of Arc of breastfeeding, she’ll go at it even when her baby is on a different continent. It’s called nature. Also, attention. And maybe a slight tick of pleasure. Milano immediately took to Twitter, which serves as her agent, manager, publicity rep, and entourage:

@HeathrowAirport I would have happily spread milk in different containers (which I travel with) to comply to those liquid rules. Instead, milk was taken away with no discussion. Shampoo, lotions, etcetera were simply tested and handed back with no issue. Makes no sense at all.

Milano went on to give TSA London edition some hell about their breast pump rules, including noting a conspiracy that her luggage containing her full scale commercial grade pumper never made it to her destination. She totes a mobile version spare in her carry-on because you never know when The Man’s going to try and deny your right to milk yourself. Heathrow Tweeted back something silly like, this is the liquid limit rule set by the British government, the rule is clearly posted, we’re sorry for any inconvenience, p.s. would you give us a follow?

With one deft move, Milano not only took on the crusade of breastfeeding, but now she owns the milk pumping without a baby movement. Whirr whirr whirr isn’t just the sound of the lady next to you on the plane reflexively pressing milk for humanity, it’s the sound of progress. Turn to your left if you ever want to enjoy sex again.

Photo credit: Alyssa Milano Instagram

Alyssa Milano Breastfeeds on Camera, Again

By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 1:07 PM

Alyssa Milano Breastfeeds Baby While Getting Ready For The Talk
You have to feel for the demure Alyssa Milano when that little attention whore baby demands milk from her completely unfettered tit on camera. Anybody’s who’s nursed a child knows how many thousands of pictures of your bare tits exist on your iCloud alone. Forget Instagram and Twitter. You’re fairly defenseless.

Alyssa was prepping for her appearance on The Talk, that CBS ripoff of The ABC’s The View, that assembled two black women, a Chinese woman, a lesbian, and whatever the fuck Sharon Osbourne is to pretend that demographic diversity itself is compelling. It might help if they all took turns whipping out their mams and giving that kid a spritzer. I once went to an event and saw a woman shove a russet potato up her ass to prove a political point. I don’t remember the important cause but I can graphically describe every inch of that tuber to this day. In the absence of a compulsory ranking, our brains are going to remember Milano’s tits and not much else. There really isn’t much else. This time it worked out perfectly.

Photo Credit: Instagram/WWTDD Archives

Alyssa Milano Works Them Bigguns

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 2:10 PM

Alyssa Milano Shows Post Baby Cleavage At The In To The Woods Premiere In NYC
Ever since Alyssa Milano and her mom went Lone Ranger and Tonto across the Internet lassoing up all her titty pictures, she’s felt a certain sense of regret. This roundup occurred before the science had been settled as to how amazing a career boost having your tubes exposed in the digital wankspace could be. What was once thought damaging to landing roles soon became chicks posting signs up at JuCo engineering departments daring hackers to find their beaver shots in the cloud. Now Alyssa Milano is scrambling to make up for her titty media divot by showing off her milk laden boobs anywhere there’s a camera or a Tweet button. Sadly, the market place for sallies is less strong at forty with an infant sucking on the business end. I’m sure Alyssa will tell you she doesn’t regret all the plum roles she lost due to her holy tit crusade against the Internet, but deep down, right between those swollen boobs of hers, she bears the truth.

Photo Credit: INF/AKM-GSI

Alyssa Milano Wants More Attention

By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 12:57 PM


Inserting yourself into a controversy that doesn’t actually exist is a tried and true way of receiving media attention. Alyssa Milano is complaining about the outrage over her breastfeeding pictures on Instagram while Kim Kardashian can pose naked and nobody seems to care.

Wait! I don’t get it. No disrespect to Kim but… people are offended by my breastfeeding selfies & are fine with her (amazing) booty cover?

I’m not sure any of that is actually true. Nobody but Star Magazine reading outliers gives a shit about shaming breastfeeding women anymore. Repeatedly posting pictures of yourself breastfeeding, that’s going to draw some comments. Most especially when half the world knows you as that chick who sued the Internet to shutdown topless celebrity photos. This in contrast to Kim Kardashian who half the world knows as a shameless porn star who can suck cash out of a man’s wallet by drafting air into her open twat from fifty feet away. What are people supposed to express when she appears naked in magazines? Shock and awe and only a semi-erection?

I’m pretty sure Alyssa Milano just said this to get attention and now I’ve given it to her so I feel like a schmuck. I’m going to imagine sucking on her tit and lay myself down for a nap.

Alyssa Milano Posts Titty Photo Without Irony

By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 9:45 AM

Alyssa Milano Post Breast Feeding Picture On Instagram
It seems like just yesterday Alyssa Milano and her mom were suing everybody with a dial-up and a dick for passing around photos of Alyssa topless. Those Brave Internet Warriors were on the front lines preventing the digital landscape from turning into a pornographic wasteland. Thanks to the Milanos, when you Google: Tits, only 148, million results appear, only 741,000 for Alyssa Milano Tits.

Today we’ve come full circle with Alyssa posting pictures of her own boobs to the world wide web. Nursing photos aren’t exactly Alyssa topless in Embrace of the Vampire but they are a woman showing off her intimate bits for publicity. It’s the Circle of Tit Life, you lambaste people for wanting to see them when you’re young then beg everybody to look at them when it’ too late to care. Not even the specials are immune to this reality.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Alyssa Milano Done Got Fat Shamed

By Lex January 03, 2014 @ 5:08 PM

Fat shaming started when chubby people stopped being tribal kings with access to abundant food sources and just lazy bastards with bullshit glandular issues. It’s only been officially called fat shaming since the big and chunky tried to reclaim their jiggling figures as a social positive and needed a way to make fat jokesters look like heartless monsters. Alyssa Milano got fat shamed by Jay Mohr who was surprised by her wide body when he saw her at the NASCAR Awards in early December.

She was one of the presenters. She’s very tiny, in height…It seems like she had a baby and said, ‘I don’t really give a s–t’…I read it on her gut..

Somebody sat in the director’s chair and was not wearing Spanx and I was like, ‘Jesus Christ.

Oh, slam. I mean, fat shame. That’s what Alyssa Milano called it when she wrote back a purposefully classy Tweet to Jay Mohr, filled with positive messages for him and his wife and kids but calling out Jay’s fat shaming. Since then, large lovely ladies have been slobbering praise on Alyssa like she’s the first true zero calorie cheesecake bite. Jay Mohr probably should’ve kept his fat jokes to himself. For a couple cheap chuckles he’s unleashed an entire fat girl army. I wonder if it’ll still seem so funny when the first wave of berserker BBWs descend from their mountainous camps with the aid of gravity and murderous rage. It’s hard to laugh when you can’t breathe.