I laugh at the suggestion that I’m taking money from the 138 Water people. As if I’d be party to the destruction of my own species. My price for omnicide doesn’t exist in numbers. One night of impassioned sexual activity with Amanda Cerny is another matter. No safe words allowed. Not if I’m giving up seven billion people. Men will do things for vagina they would not do for all the gold buried under Scrooge McDucks’s feathered bottom. When women decry the unfair balance of gender power I wonder if they’ve never actually seen a woman in a bikini around a bunch of men.
I often see beautiful women and I think, that sure seems like a lot of work laying on rocks and having passive-aggressive lesbians pour water onto your tits. You’ve got to keep a blog on how to juice and cleanse and get awesome looking abs. That takes work. In this economy, a good looking chick from FLorida takes the work she can get. Be that as a model, a pet store clerk, or convincing widows to buy gold over the phone. The battle is uphill for hot young women with big tits, God’s forgotten creatures.
When the alien invasion occurs, you’ll feel pretty fucking stupid for being up-to-date on your cable bill. You easily could’ve skated. Just knowing it’s coming shortly, I’d go ahead and get some less fetching girls pregnant. Why not. The inter-dimensional demon water company St. Valentine’s milestones is a sign of the pending doom. Who knows if it will come from the skies or the sea botom like in that retarded Pacific Rim tale, but just know it’s coming. The writing is on the wall, literally, it’s right fucking there. It says, we’re coming for your masturbation-worthy women. Then this planet will truly go dark.
I dug a little deeper. 138 Water is being produced by The Clairvoyance Group in Los Angeles. Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a Scientology front whatsoever. But, then, there’s this:
Millions of people across the country walk around for the better part of the day and evening with a bottle of water, so we felt it was the right time to introduce the first fashion water that plays into an individual’s sense of style. Just like mobile phones have become a fashion accessory, we feel the same will be true of water. — Thibault Mauvilain, Hollywood paparazzo and co-founder of 138 Water
That sounds so incredibly obnoxious that it almost has to be real. And the colors: Cool Blue, Leave-Me-Alone Black, Pretty in Pink, Sunshine Yellow, Funky Purple, Sexy Red, Going Green and Orange You Glad We Made Orange. No, I’m not fucking kidding. You can have your Leave Me Alone Black bottle of water for just two bucks a pop. If you could find it.
That’s Amanda Cerny in a bikini for yet another 138 water photo shoot. Presumably, somebody is fronting the cash for all of this. The Others?
I don’t know how it works, but I assume that because Amanda Cerny was Playboy’s Miss October for 2011 and Ciara Price was Miss November 2011, they get to be roommates in the Playboy mansion. Maybe they even have bunk beds. And every night they help each other try on lingerie before they pillow fight each other to sleep. Again, I’m no expert at Playboy protocol, but I think I’m close enough.
Anyway, Amanda Tweeted this video of her and Ciara hanging out in an empty Los Angeles apartment, which I’m pretty sure is how at least 90% of Criminal Minds episodes begin, and they’re both dressed up like sorority girls at a slumber party with their face masks on as they dance around like kids. Amanda called it the “No Pants Dance”, but Ciara is clearly wearing pants, and I hate when girls lie.
Honestly, if we can’t trust our Playboy Playmates to be honest with us and not wear any clothes, then who can we trust?