Amber Heard’s Bisexual Burden

By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 9:11 AM

Amber Heard Red Hot At Magic Mike Premiere
Amber Heard would like people to know it’s hard being hot and blonde and bisexual in Hollywood. Also, a loaf of bread might cost sixty-four cents, but she’s not committing to that until she gets further information. Heard came out as bisexual in 2010 and ever since has suffered the consequences of seven major motion pictures and a marriage to Johnny Depp.

I don’t want to have to deny my sexuality in order to be me. But I don’t want to have to be defined by it. I’m fundamentally opposed to trying to edit myself to be palatable or popular. I don’t give a fuck. I fight, but I shouldn’t have to.

I’m not sure she said anything, but she’s super good looking and likes to go down on chicks, so it doesn’t matter. Though maybe it should to her husband. Heard claims she re-wrote several lines for her character in Magic Mike XXL to be more bisexual. She doesn’t necessarily have writing skills, but that’s trumped by the fact she knows what it’s like to have dick for dinner and pussy for dessert. Next week she’ll be picking up nuclear disarmament talks with Iran. Being bisexual is like staying at a Holiday Inn.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Samantha Hoopes Sells Magic Mike XXL

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 11:41 AM

Samantha Hoopes Magic Mike XXL Premiere
Going to see Magic Mike doesn’t make you gay. Going to see Magic Mike and insisting it’ll make your girlfriend happy and you’ll get laid, that’s gay. The confident heterosexual male never insists. The Marlboro man never had to declare that he liked to end his ride on the range with a smoke and some pussy. Ask David Spade if he’s banged over two hundred models and he’ll laugh and call it a rumor. Then he’ll smell his fingers and remember them all, sorted by hair color and lawsuit. This is the age of gender fluidity. You can still be my friend, but I’m picking you last in paintball. Stereotyping is how I win trophies.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Amber Heard Seems Too Happy

By Lex June 11, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Amber Heard Sizzles in Elle Magazine July 2015

It’s possible all the insipidly cute anecdotes of married life Amber Heard’s people are spewing out to the gossip mags are one hundred percent truthful. She and Johnny Depp are still headed for let’s just be friends who fuck other people. Cute couples get divorced easily. The bar is just way too fucking high. He used to carve you bath soaps in the shape of your childhood pet. Now he shits in the sink. Couples who can’t stand each other never break up. Shitty relationships are lock down strong. You look around one day and ask yourself when did it all go to hell, then you remember it’s always been crappy. You toss back a couple and that seems kosher. Amber, call me if you’re not in lesbian switch mode after the divorce. Actually, call me either way. I’ll bring my Bob Crane camera and circus peanuts. Catholicism has taught me how to masturbate in total silence.

Photo Credit: Elle Magazine

Uncle Terry Captures Johnny Depp’s Gay Wife

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

Amber Heard Goes To Terry For Interview Magazine
People who were writing Terry Richardson off into perv Conventry lacked a basic understanding of how the modeling business works. It’s like complaining to Caligula about men covering their naked bodies in Easy Cheese and having the fish nibble their shlongs in the public pools. It’s only go to excite him. You he’ll have murdered. Wet blanket. Terry Richardson has been triple booked since allegations of him slapping his peen across the cheeks of numerous Slovakian models came to light. In particular A-list celebrities are lining up to enter his studio for his creepy polaroid style photos. It’s not that they don’t care about Uncle Terry pegging Eastern European waifs in his BDSM dungeon, it’s just that they don’t care as much as they want decent cover photos for major magazines. Nobody wins here except for everybody not from Budapest.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson For Interview Magazine

Johnny Depp Has Standards

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Wear Matching Outfits For Mortdecai Premiere
Johnny Depp chose a press junket to declare that actors who use their celebrity to make musical appearances make him sick. Odd mostly because Johnny Deep is an actor who uses his celebrity to make musical appearances. Or maybe Marilyn Manson pulls him out of the crowd randomly to jam with him on stage. After herpes and botulism, myopia is the greatest afflicter of famous people in Hollywood. Depp didn’t mention anybody by name, so I will. Bruce Willis, Joaquin Phoenix, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, and Kevin Bacon. Much of it is horrid, I’m not so sure it’s sickening. Men become rich and famous so they can do whatever they want. At some age fucking lots of different women only becomes 90% of their world and they need to top it off with another swig of ego gratification. Rock star. If it were easier, they’d all go for astronaut or cowboy or underground mining explosives expert. I forgive Johnny Depp because of Donnie Brasco. Now shut the fuck up and try to believe your lesbian wife when she tells you you’re just as skilled as her girlfriends.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

Amber Heard Still Seems Kind of Lesbian

By Lex May 28, 2014 @ 1:27 PM

Amber Heard Strips Down For Sexy Photo Shoot In The June July Issue Of W Magazine
Before the ‘I do’s’ is the best time you ask your soon to be wife, do you still dig short slicked back hair, wearing men’s tuxedos, and lapping up vagina pudding in parfait glasses? Maybe a guy like Johnny Depp has the cock confidence not to give a crap if his wife screams louder for European supermodels, but he better start paying attention to her hot girl typecast complaints:

As a woman, I usually have two options: Sex Object or the Best Friend Who Isn’t Sexy. It’s not creatively fulfilling to just be sexy.

I said to the director [of Zombieland], ‘Do I get to play a true zombie or am I a cleavage zombie?’ I had this fear that he was going to want me to be a zombie in my underwear!

Outside of being a kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirl, being hot looking in Hollywood has to be greatest living hell for a woman. At some point in the not too distant future, Johnny Depp will be calling Chris Martin to ask him how he handled his wife bitching about people hating her for being too perfect. Chris will suggest Johnny let her bang liberal billionaires. Then Johnny will say, do you know any liberal billionaire lesbians? And the two will have a laugh. Chris Martin will go on to write a song about it and Johnny Depp will divorce Amber Heard and start dating a young actress from Italy with a slight unibrow and big tits. This all goes down in early 2016 if you’re marking your calendars.

Photo Credit: W Magazine