If you’re ever in battle with Kanye West, go forthwith to the anal play charges. Chink in armor noted, rapping Smaug. The master of ego-centric promotion and legend in his own time mythology folded like a very gay deck of cards in his battle with Wiz Khalifia and by extension Amber Rose the minute the latter mentioned Kanye’s proclivity for bottom play in the bedroom. Fingers up the butt was the opening salvo. Whatever was lined up next scared the shit out of Kanye who went into an emergency Camp David session with Wiz to reach a detente. The treaty included a first lady showcase where Kim Kardashian was dispatched to offer a concession basket to Amber Rose. Essential oils and some large amount of free social media traffic in exchange for mum on the list of sex toys that went north into the rectum. There are no gay men in the rap world. Trust, but verify.
Amber Rose and Kim Kardashian had a clandestine meeting of women who’ve fingered Kanye’s butthole to settle the fight between the two. Amber and Kanye got into a big Twitter war over some bullshit with Wiz Khalifa. I’m sure it was a real meeting of the minds. They even took a selfie to commemorate the occasion. Aw.
It must be hard to talk to someone who once gargled your husband’s man yogurt. (TMZ)
Daisy Lowe wears a pink wig and a see-through dress because it was her birthday. (Last Men On Earth)
Malin Akerman in lingerie? Don’t mind if I do. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Ariel Winter shows off a little bra. (Drunken Stepfather)
These girls want to give you just a peek. (The Chive)
Chloe Grace Moretz makes me think naughty thoughts. (Popoholic)
Bras are for lesser titties (Radass)
Kanye West took to Twitter to deny he likes fingers shoved up his rectum during sex and while listening to his Jim Nabors records. In a calm and reason manner het let his fans know about his traditional values. He stays away from that ass area altogether. He went so far as elective surgery on a colostomy bag just so he could avoid shitting. Doctors check his prostate through a special flap on his right hip near his football playing injuries. He’s so not into ass it’s almost comical. Almost.
It’s tough to know whether to believe Kanye who talks and acts and has a reputation for freaky bedroom behavior in in knee high calf skin boots. Or the word of his angry street whore ex-girlfriend who uses her sexual encounters with Kanye as the top three accomplishments on her LinkedIn profile. The classic conundrum. Asking a man how long he’s been beating his wife is a leading question. Asking Kanye how long he’s been beating off while his lady friends go ten ben-wa balls deep into his shitter is simply not your business. He’ll let you know when he’s ready. Read your LGBTQUIYA literature. Is that a Gucci butt plug on your nightstand? I’m asking for a friend.
Kanye went on Twitter and called Amber Rose a stripper whore and mocked Khalifa for making a baby with her. Kanye routinely calls out Amber Rose for being nasty, with zero nod to how he fucked that nasty for two years other than stating that he ‘had to take 30 showers’ after to get clean. If only somebody would’ve told Eazy-E the shower trick.
Amber Rose is the proverbial dog that’s been beat to much. She looks forward to it now. She took about half a second to inform the world that Kanye West digs assplay:
“Awww @kanyewest are u mad I’m not around to play in ur asshole anymore? #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch,”
There’s the haymaker you should’ve prepped for in practice. Stay down, Kanye. You’ll solve pi before you ever win a fight with a stripper. Have Kim announce how ridiculous this all is then explain why Kourtney can’t find her new pressed juice thermos. Rap battles just got good again.
Photo credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI
Paper Magazine selected Amber Rose to tribute iconic celebrity feminist moments of the past. ISIS puts more thought and production value into their shoots. Amber Rose is a self-described feminist. Also self-described as employed and disease free. There’s really no limit to how amazing you can be in self-description. Fucking Kanye and Wiz Khalifa is the actual resume. And some college. Not attending, just servicing. Tila Tequila’s camped out at Berchtesgaden waiting for Hitler’s advent. There was nobody left.
Photo Credit: Paper Magazine
High off her success at SlutWalk where she raised several hundred dollars for a charity that pays for her bar bill, Amber Rose was tapped by GQ to force their readership to question their sexuality more than ever. Why are you testing me, God? I just wanted to know if fob watches and cuffed trousers were making a comeback. Now I’m eye locked with tranny Vin Diesel’s tits. I love men’s fashion. And cock. Wait, what? Do those tits come in a Fall plaid?
Photo Credit: GQ