Angelina Jolie is helpful, delusional

By brendon September 07, 2010 @ 1:35 PM

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As part of her work with the UN Human Refugee Agency, Angelina Jolie spent the weekend visiting Pakistan, “to draw the world’s attention towards the plight of 21 million people affected by the country’s worst-ever floods.” And I don’t know about you, but now I’m super motivated to help Pakistan. They were doing so great until this, so friendly and helpful, not insane or murderously violent at all. FAST FACT: Pakistan’s leading export is Smiles.

(seriously though, fuck these people. if I could I’d mail them a bucket of water to make the flood worse.)

Jolie won’t be Marilyn, but Mara will be Salander

By brendon August 17, 2010 @ 1:58 PM

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Yesterday everyone in Hollywood was freaking out over the casting of Angelina Jolie as Marilyn Monroe and Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander. Oh I know, right! It was crazy! You can’t make this stuff up!

But today Jolie has announced she will not be starring in the biopic that was to cover the last two years of Monroes life as told from the perspective of her dog (seriously). It’s easy to assume she passed because that idea is clearly retarded, but it’s still 10 times smarter than that Loom of Fate bullshit in “Wanted” so who knows.

Rooney Mara however, is absolutely taking the lead in David Finchers version of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. She beat out Natalie Portman, Ellen Page, and Scarlett Johansson for it, and now she has to at least equal the performance by Noomi Rapace in the popular Swedish versions of these movies. Meaning she has to look at the ground when she talks and pretend to type on a computer. Better keep Portman on deck just in case.

Angelina Jolie kissed some random fan

By brendon July 26, 2010 @ 12:01 PM

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Angelina Jolie was in Moscow this weekend for the Russian premiere of ‘Salt’, and while being her typical fan-friendly self, she gave some girl a kiss. It wasn’t hot in any way, but it was enough to bring back memories of when this picture was taken at the premiere of the second Tomb Raider movie, when she kissed some random girl like they were secret lovers. It was one of the most sensual things I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Ass Traffic 1-8, so I know what I’m talking about.

(image source = splash news online)

Angelina Jolie went to Comic-Con

By brendon July 23, 2010 @ 12:46 PM

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Angelina Jolie is still the best looking woman anything on earth, and Roger Ebert gave her new movie 4 stars (“It’s exhilarating to see a genre picture done really well.”) but just in case those weren’t enough to promote ‘Salt’, she wore a skin tight outfit for her panel at Comic-Con last night (here she is answering a question about my dong).

Brad Pitt was also supposed to be there to promote ‘Megamind’, but he was busy filming ‘Moneyball’. It’s a little surprising he didn’t make it because he’s well know to be fan friendly. In a related story, if I got to be have sex with Angelina Jolie whenever I wanted, I’d be well known to be the worlds largest source of semen.

(image source = splash news online)

angelina jolie looked hot as hell at the ‘salt’ premiere

By brendon July 20, 2010 @ 4:07 PM

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together 6 years now, and occasionally some jackass will claim they hate each other again, but you seem to hear that way less than you used to. Probably because they stubbornly refuse to break up, and instead insist on looking happy at things like last nights premiere of Jolies movie ‘Salt’.

She might be crazy and her legs sort of look like she’s been in a wheelchair for the past 3 years, but she’s still one of the hottest women on earth. If I were Pitt the only way I’d ever sleep with someone other than Angelina is if it turns out there’s two of them.

(source = getty images)

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monday afternoon headlines

By brendon June 21, 2010 @ 7:04 PM

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PAGET BREWSTER – is the best comedic actress in Hollywood (and she does amazing impressions of black people), so I’m selfishly happy that CBS is run by fumbling idiots who plan on essentially firing the entire female cast of ‘Criminal Minds’, despite the overwhelming objections (1, 2) from the shows fans (“the fans can suck my dick”, replied CBS while pointing at its crotch). Hopefully now she’ll go back to comedy. I also like it when disaster strikes and I can buy stocks like BP real cheap. I’m all about me! It’s time to start looking out for number 1, baby! (jezebel)

ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – are engaged. If they start a family the kids would be like someone genetically engineered a human being solely for me to be completely, 100 percent indifferent to. (la times)

HOW TO GROW BUD – has pictures of girls in bikinis getting high. I don’t personally smoke, but I do like telling the government to go fuck themselves, and I do like girls who are mostly naked and easily talked into things. This is a great website. (htgb)

DAVE BATISTA - is this guy, and he may or may not be following Brock Lesnar and going from WWE to MMA. TMZ says he is but the promotion he allegedly signed with says it’s not true. I don’t know what this has to do with celebrity gossip btw, but I’m the only one who works here, and I gotta post somethin. Tomorrow be sure to check out my recipe for Raisin Roundies! My secret is a pinch of cinnamon! (mma frenzy)

ANGELINA JOLIE - is in Haiti today as part of her UN tour, but you’ll have to take Es word for it because this picture isn’t labeled. Where’s Angie, which one is Angie? E! needs to get their shit together. (e!)

SALMA HAYEK – will be on Letterman tonight, where she’ll discuss married life, her baby, and upcoming projects while Dave pretends not to stare at her tits. (splash)

TWITTER …. FACEBOOK …. TODAYS FORECAST: WACKING OFF