the new Tomb Raider movie will have a new Tomb Raider

By brendon March 08, 2011 @ 2:29 PM

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E-harmony rejected my profile because I said I was looking for a super hot girl with long hair and big tits who dresses slutty. I should have bought the rights to the Tomb Raider franchise because then I could have put that exact same thing in Entertainment Weekly.

Producer Graham King (The Departed, The Town) announced today that he’s acquired the film rights to Lara Croft, and plans to reboot the Tomb Raider franchise … (he) intends to bring her back to theaters in 2013. 
King describes the new plan in a press release as a “reboot.” He knows Jolie well, having recently worked with her on The Tourist, but she hasn’t expressed much interest in returning to the character.

Jolie was 25 in the first Tomb Raider in 2001, and 27 in the second one in 2003, but Harrison Ford is 90 and they put him in Indiana Jones 4. His punches looked like a cat trying to swim and they made a whole movie about it.

Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes

By brendon January 17, 2011 @ 1:04 PM

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It’s a free country, and Angelina Jolie can wear whatever she wants, but we should change that. Because this shit is ridiculous.

(image source = getty)

Jennifer Aniston is distancing herself from Chelsea Handler

By brendon December 22, 2010 @ 4:49 PM

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When we last saw Jennifer Aniston, she was pouting (shocking, I know) about Chelsea Handler calling Angelina Jolie a “cunt”, immediately after Handler and Aniston went on vacation together. Apparently Aniston thought everyone would assume they spent the vacation trashing Angelina. And 10 points to Aniston, because she was correct, and that is in fact what everyone thinks.

Now, Popeater says Aniston has done what she does best: excruciating amounts of soul searching followed by feeling sorry for herself.

“Jen and Chelsea haven’t officially fallen out but they certainly won’t be going on vacation together for a long time unless Chelsea promises to never talk about Angelina again,” a friend of Chelsea’s tells me. “She understands that what Chelsea did was out of loyalty, but it didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse.”
“Jen is a very private person. It’s one thing to crash Angelina in private; it’s another to do it in public. Chelsea should have known better and is feeling Jen’s cold shoulder for her mistake.”

No, Jen is not a very private person. That’s why we’re still talking about this. Because she cried about Brad Pitt Brad Pitt Brad Pitt to anyone who would listen for 5 years. You could record every single word Pitt says for an entire year, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear he’d never even met Jennifer Ansiton.

Brad and Angelina might be getting married. Here.

By brendon December 17, 2010 @ 1:58 PM

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Every few months there’s a story either saying Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting married or that they literally hate each other. Today it seems we’ve landed on… “married”! In Jodhpur, India. Splash says…

The couple has apparently chosen their spiritual guru Ram Lal Siyag to supervise their wedding. Siyag and his disciples have neither confirmed nor denied these rumours. Siyag practices Siddha yoga, and is said to have played harmoniser in the life of this power couple. He has visited the couple in America and provided guidance and clarity for the two.

Apparently there’s no real date set, just sometime in 2011. But, I mean, is this even a real marriage? Because it sounds about as legally binding as a “Worlds Greatest Grandpa” t-shirt.

Angelina Jolie is a good actress

By brendon December 14, 2010 @ 8:05 PM

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Angelina Jolie recieved a Golden Globe nomination today (full nominee list, rightfully prefaced by saying these awards are a complete sham bought and paid for by the studios, here) an nomination so dumb even she’s laughing about it, but more importantly, today a still from Wanted somehow arrived online, showing Angelinas naked and beautiful ass, a scene that was edited in the movie so you didn’t see it.

Suffice to say that was a terrible decision. Her ass is so wonderful, it’s probably the best proof yet that God exists.

Brad Pitt has the right idea

By brendon December 07, 2010 @ 10:57 AM

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Last night was the big New York premiere for the Tourist, starring Angelina Jolie and Johny Depp, and when Jolie walked the red carpet with her lover Brad Pitt, he spent most of the time with his hand planted right on her luscious ass.

Meanwhile, over in LA, Jennifer Aniston made a little bow tie and top hat for her cats wedding this weekend. Lookin’ good, Mr. Boots!