Angelina Jolie Deemed Pretentious

By Matt December 01, 2014 @ 7:16 AM

Jolie

Angelina Jolie directed a biopic about an athlete turned WWII prisoner of war that will make your girlfriend cry. She turned in her final cut to Universal, who decided it was painfully slow and and pretentious, An insider who has seen the entire Rocky franchise summed it up as follows:

“Universal re-edited her movie, because it was too arthouse.. They took control and edited it into a more commercial movie.”

Its tough to bastardize something that’s heavy handedly nipping at your ass cheeks but I’m sure Universal accomplished the task. Instead of a lingering pan to a symbolic mountain look for some jump cuts to some Youtube nut shot videos. They don’t make movies like they used to. That’s because Hitchcock died of grilled cheese a few years back.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Angelina Jolie’s Construction Seems Intact

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Looks Curvy In Tight Wrap Dress During A Photo Call For Her Self Directed Film Unbroken
Angelina Jolie is in Australia promoting her Oscar bait film Unbroken. Hollywood loves an epic bio pic. Before Angelina Jolie cured her future cancer by lopping off her breasts, maybe she was considered a bit edgy and blemished for the Academy. But it’s amazing what a strong stance against disease can do for you reputation. If the American Taliban requested the removal of his left nut and donned a pink ribbon, he’d probably be out by now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Angelina Jolie Touched by the Queen

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Receives Honorary Damehood
Angelina Jolie is doing alright since she hacked off her breasts to ward off potential future cancer and unwanted gropes at the Rammstein concerts She was named U.N. Special Envoy in charge of both refugees and rapes, though not the actual raping of refugees which I believe went to Cher. Jolie’s long time male companion Brad Pitt finally made her an honest woman with a wedding ceremony. And now she’s been awarded a Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, whatever the fuck that means. If the Queen touches you with her crusty palm, it’s considered important. Even if it’s just to pass you a note that says she killed Diana and blames herself for her grandson being gay.

Photo Credit: Getty

Angelina Jolie Wears Her Kids Proudly

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 10:27 AM

Angelina Jolie Crayon Wedding Dress In France
A woman who decapitates her boobs because of possible future cancer isn’t the kind of woman that waits around for shit. After just twelve years of making, extricating, and PayPal-ing for babies with Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie decided to get hitched. They were running that line for a while about how they couldn’t get married until all the gay people in the world had the same right. Also, until Taco Bell started serving breakfast. The two signs of a progressive society. Without being able to find any more excuses, the couple vowed to love honor and cherish each other, mother earth, and the subjugated tribes of the Southern Sudan. Angelina wore a bridal gown decorated with art work from her seventeen or so children. It was sort of like a congratulations, you’re no longer blended family bastards, now gimme your crayon drawings. Some were happy family drawings, some rainbows and sunshine, but the troubled one from Southeast Asia brought down the mood with his Killing Fields depiction. Congratulations to the newlyweds for at least not putting naked photos of themselves on iCloud.

Photo Credit: Hello! and People

No One Cares That Brangelina Got Married And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 28, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in secret and no one gave a flying fuck. It’s not like it’s 2002 when you were on the cover of magazines and Angelina had yet to cut off her breasts. What’s the fucking point of getting married after having 85 kids together. It is too late.

Read all about the douchey nuptials. (The Superficial)

Kristen Stewart says it isn’t that she’s a shitty actress it’s that everyone else is shittier. (Dlisted)

Kendall Jenner in a swimsuit makes me think bad thoughts. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus gets naked…again…for V magazine. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio is in her underwear in Vogue Brazil. (COED)

Amber Heard topless. That is all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lizzy Caplan is a master of sex in her panties. See what I did there? (Drunken Stepfather)

Angelina Jolie Defends Santa Claus

By Matt June 12, 2014 @ 10:29 AM

Angie In Maleficent

Angelina Jolie and preeminent evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins are trading barbs over Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. At a recent symposium the vehemently anti-religious and award winningly boring Dawkins questioned whether children should be taught to believe in fairytale bullshit and should instead be raised with a “spirit of skepticism.” Dawkins sees a slippery slope between telling your kids that Santa exists and them strapping on bombs for Allah. Naturally, Dawkins misses the entire point of child mythology which is to get kids to shut the fuck up at bedtime. Go ahead and teach your preschoolers skepticism and debate tactics and start counting the minutes until you decided to blow your brains out.

Jolie is currently starring as a fairy in Maleficent which is pretty similar accreditation to being a child development specialist. Similar to how Brad Pitt is now an expert at robbing casinos and aging backward. Actually, I think is he aging backward, that fiendishly handsome bastard. Jolie has responded to Dawkins comments by asserting that fairytales are harmless and that children should enjoy their innocence and fantasy for as long as they can. Someday, they’ll have to grow up, make out with their siblings, steal somebody’s husband, and cut off their female parts to please science. For now, just Santa, and some Kwanzaa voodoo shit for the African ones. Don’t take that away from them, you crusty British necromancer.

Photo Credit: Instagram