Hey Angelina, You’ve Got Some Shit On Your Face

By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Angelina Jolie doesn't own a mirror

When your main job in life is being a world famous A-list actress and director, and your secondary job is raising your 36 children while your husband is off making his own, less important films and haunting Jennifer Aniston’s dreams, you’re bound to forget something every once in a while. For Angelina Jolie, that something was looking in a mirror before she stepped out on the red carpet for the premiere of The Normal Heart in New York City last night. Of course, there’s probably a perfectly meaningful and righteous reason for the white powder all over her face, like it represents the pain and suffering of Syrian orphans or the powder is indicative of the ash that Ukrainian schoolchildren have had to search through to find their classmates. So who’s the idiot with shit on his face now? It’s this guy.

Photo Credits: Getty

Angelina Jolie Celebrates The Anniversary of Removing Her Boobs

By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 5:07 PM

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Arrive At EE British Academy Film Awards In London
It was a year ago that Angelina started to ensure she couldn’t ever get breast cancer by the logical step of getting rid of her breasts. The move was somewhat controversial given that there was no way to know if she’d even ever get breast cancer in the future, just a strong possibility. But Angelina was lauded by tons of important people for being super brave and proactive, a term typically reserved for politicians before they set about to ruin shit. To celebrate the anniversary of her bold decision, Angelina dressed just like her husband at the BAFTAs award so that British people could have their secretly horrible turn to wonder if Brad still bangs his wife or not.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Angelina Jolie Directing With Chesty Confidence

By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 6:28 PM

Angelina Jolie Looking Chesty On The Set Of Her Movie 'Unbroken' In Australia
It’s only been seven months since Angelina Jolie shared with the world that she’d cut off her boobs because she might get breast cancer in the future. Her precog foresight earned her resounding kudos from every female corner and from the men who like to here-here whatever women say for fear or being cut off from sex. That shit is powerful. I remain concerned that Angelina’s decision to lop off appendages pre-disease might convince people to get a little overzealous in treating their potential future illnesses. I already lost one friend who learned of heart disease in his family to a vegetarian diet. He used to be fun, now he just smells like salad and issues hourly reports on his LDL. The idea of losing millions of tits on spec is some kind of boob-lovers nightmare. That probably sounds selfish and chauvinistic. That’s how you know it’s honest.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Angelina Buys Brad Pitt A Fucking Island

By Jack November 26, 2013 @ 1:54 PM

What do you buy the man that already has everything? A fucking heart-shaped island, of course! At least that’s what the once hot Angelina Jolie got for Brad Pitt for his 50th birthday. Petra island is a small rock 50 miles off the coast of New York City that has two houses built by the great American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Pitt is apparently a Lloyd Wright fan, so naturally he should get both as well as the rest of the island, right? Well, of course! He deserves all the best. After all it’s not easy dressing up and playing pretend. Oh wait, it totally fucking is.

It makes sense that Angelina Jolie is now buying up remote islands. She can staff the islands with discreet medical teams prepared to lop off her body parts as genetics testing reveals her chances for various future diseases. At some point, she’ll come back to the mainland as merely a portion of torso encased in a saline filled bio-suit. But Brad will still love her. Because he’s that kind of a guy. The guy who gets islands for his birthday.

Jennifer Aniston And Angelina Jolie Almost Flew On A Plane Together

By Travis August 14, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

It has been eight years since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced so he could go about not feeling guilty over having crazy monkey sex with Angelina Jolie every day for the rest of his life, and while the star of We’re the Millers is now engaged to that other guy who isn’t nearly as famous as Brad, people still love talking about Jen’s poor, broken heart. As it turns out, Jen and Angelina were scheduled to be on the same flight from L.A. to London on Sunday night, and that would have basically been Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa rolled up into one perfect present for every website on the planet.

Unfortunately, some dick at British Airways realized what was going on and contacted Jen’s people in order to change her flight plans, unbeknownst to the actress. Although, I’m sure that once she found out, she ordered her publicist to schedule an interview with Oprah to talk about how she doesn’t want to talk about Brad anymore, because her life is all about that other guy now. The one who isn’t Brad.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Miranda Kerr Wants To Sleep With Angelina Jolie

By Travis June 05, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Ever since she was allegedly dumped by Victoria’s Secret for being an expensive diva, Miranda Kerr has had to find other things to do with her time, including making Fox & Friends the most important talk show for the first time in its history. Before she made her appearance yesterday, though, Miranda was sweet enough to bring her skintight pink dress outside to sign autographs for her fans, and TMZ asked her a very important question – “Who is your girl crush?”

Miranda said Angelina Jolie, which is kind of vanilla, because she could and should have said, “It’s Erin Heatherton and she just happens to be right here” and then they could have 69’d during her afternoon appearance at The Gillette Venus Step Up & Step Out Summer Tour. That probably would have sold a few razors.

(Photo Credits: Getty)