Angelina Buys Brad Pitt A Fucking Island

By Jack November 26, 2013 @ 1:54 PM

What do you buy the man that already has everything? A fucking heart-shaped island, of course! At least that’s what the once hot Angelina Jolie got for Brad Pitt for his 50th birthday. Petra island is a small rock 50 miles off the coast of New York City that has two houses built by the great American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Pitt is apparently a Lloyd Wright fan, so naturally he should get both as well as the rest of the island, right? Well, of course! He deserves all the best. After all it’s not easy dressing up and playing pretend. Oh wait, it totally fucking is.

It makes sense that Angelina Jolie is now buying up remote islands. She can staff the islands with discreet medical teams prepared to lop off her body parts as genetics testing reveals her chances for various future diseases. At some point, she’ll come back to the mainland as merely a portion of torso encased in a saline filled bio-suit. But Brad will still love her. Because he’s that kind of a guy. The guy who gets islands for his birthday.

Jennifer Aniston And Angelina Jolie Almost Flew On A Plane Together

By Travis August 14, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

It has been eight years since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced so he could go about not feeling guilty over having crazy monkey sex with Angelina Jolie every day for the rest of his life, and while the star of We’re the Millers is now engaged to that other guy who isn’t nearly as famous as Brad, people still love talking about Jen’s poor, broken heart. As it turns out, Jen and Angelina were scheduled to be on the same flight from L.A. to London on Sunday night, and that would have basically been Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa rolled up into one perfect present for every website on the planet.

Unfortunately, some dick at British Airways realized what was going on and contacted Jen’s people in order to change her flight plans, unbeknownst to the actress. Although, I’m sure that once she found out, she ordered her publicist to schedule an interview with Oprah to talk about how she doesn’t want to talk about Brad anymore, because her life is all about that other guy now. The one who isn’t Brad.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Miranda Kerr Wants To Sleep With Angelina Jolie

By Travis June 05, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Ever since she was allegedly dumped by Victoria’s Secret for being an expensive diva, Miranda Kerr has had to find other things to do with her time, including making Fox & Friends the most important talk show for the first time in its history. Before she made her appearance yesterday, though, Miranda was sweet enough to bring her skintight pink dress outside to sign autographs for her fans, and TMZ asked her a very important question – “Who is your girl crush?”

Miranda said Angelina Jolie, which is kind of vanilla, because she could and should have said, “It’s Erin Heatherton and she just happens to be right here” and then they could have 69’d during her afternoon appearance at The Gillette Venus Step Up & Step Out Summer Tour. That probably would have sold a few razors.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Brad Pitt Can’t See Faces Anymore, Now What?

By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 5:24 PM


Here’s a little tip for the ladies. If a man informs you that he has an unusual illness that in any way shape or form might lead him to sleep with another woman, he’s going to use that illness as a crutch to cheat on you. Consider that a lock. Take Brad Pitt for instance. Suddenly after Angelina Jolie decides to cut off her breasts, he comes down with Prosopagnosia. He can’t recognize faces. That’s awfully convenient for a man who might find himself boning a production assistant and, naturally, just assume it’s Angelina since he can’t make out her face. He might have to dickslay a thousand women before he gets back to the woman he actually has someday promised to marry. That illness is a bitch. I hope Angelina understands. She has future cancer. Granted, Pitt has never actually been tested for this rare neurological issue. But I’m sure he’ll get right on that.

Here’s Angelina at the World War Z premiere in London. When this film began production, Angelina had both her boobs and was 19-years old.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN

Angelina Jolie’s Non-Boobs Get Painted

By Jack May 27, 2013 @ 10:28 AM


Angelina Jolie and her boobless boobs were big news a couple of weeks ago as the whole world collectively acted as if something truly terrible had happened like a war, a plague, or Salt 2 went into production. Some people were shocked, some were angry, and many were inspired. Take for example weirdo Swedish painter Johan Andersson who decided to paint a portrait of Jolie post-surgery. She didn’t pose for it or anything, it’s just what he imagines her chest looks like. From what I can tell he spent a lot of time and effort visualizing her non-breasts. He said he did it because he thought it was brave and whatever and the proceeds go to help kids in the Congo. That is certainly nice, but, I’m pretty sure this herring eating, Abba/death metal-loving, ergonomic furniture-having Swede just has fantasies about women with mastectomies. In fact, I’d venture to guess he just painted Angelina’s face atop one of the many faceless mastectomy body portraits he keeps in his little red painted barn. You should order a print for the aunt you don’t like for her birthday.

Angelina Jolie Removes Both Her Boobs

By Jack May 14, 2013 @ 1:57 PM

Whatever real breast tissue Angelina Jolie had left is now gone after she had a preventative double mastectomy. It seems that the mother of between seventeen and thirty children has a faulty gene that increases her risk of getting cancer. Her mom died at a relatively young age and Angie wants to live to adopt more Third World kids and make movies in Croatia nobody will ever see. This doesn’t mean she’s going to be flat like your Aunt Gertrude after her mastectomy. This is Hollywood and without her tits Angie’s career is not just lukewarm like it is now, it’s over. So she had entirely new and I’m sure quite fabulously endowed boobs built. I’m guessing for a ton of cash you probably don’t get the bolt-ons either, but really nice Kate Upton replicas.

Angelina said she came out with her ordeal to encourage other women to get genetic tests done to identify their risk. That’s nice. It also gives us all an excuse to think about her breasts. I remember when I first saw them in the 90′s in Gia. they were so young and full of life. It was a simpler time then, when we could stare at her chest and not think about death.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, Getty, INF, PCN, WENN