Angelina Jolie Touched by the Queen

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Receives Honorary Damehood
Angelina Jolie is doing alright since she hacked off her breasts to ward off potential future cancer and unwanted gropes at the Rammstein concerts She was named U.N. Special Envoy in charge of both refugees and rapes, though not the actual raping of refugees which I believe went to Cher. Jolie’s long time male companion Brad Pitt finally made her an honest woman with a wedding ceremony. And now she’s been awarded a Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, whatever the fuck that means. If the Queen touches you with her crusty palm, it’s considered important. Even if it’s just to pass you a note that says she killed Diana and blames herself for her grandson being gay.

Photo Credit: Getty

Angelina Jolie Wears Her Kids Proudly

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 10:27 AM

Angelina Jolie Crayon Wedding Dress In France
A woman who decapitates her boobs because of possible future cancer isn’t the kind of woman that waits around for shit. After just twelve years of making, extricating, and PayPal-ing for babies with Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie decided to get hitched. They were running that line for a while about how they couldn’t get married until all the gay people in the world had the same right. Also, until Taco Bell started serving breakfast. The two signs of a progressive society. Without being able to find any more excuses, the couple vowed to love honor and cherish each other, mother earth, and the subjugated tribes of the Southern Sudan. Angelina wore a bridal gown decorated with art work from her seventeen or so children. It was sort of like a congratulations, you’re no longer blended family bastards, now gimme your crayon drawings. Some were happy family drawings, some rainbows and sunshine, but the troubled one from Southeast Asia brought down the mood with his Killing Fields depiction. Congratulations to the newlyweds for at least not putting naked photos of themselves on iCloud.

Photo Credit: Hello! and People

No One Cares That Brangelina Got Married And Shit Around The Web

By Michael August 28, 2014 @ 12:14 PM


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in secret and no one gave a flying fuck. It’s not like it’s 2002 when you were on the cover of magazines and Angelina had yet to cut off her breasts. What’s the fucking point of getting married after having 85 kids together. It is too late.

Read all about the douchey nuptials. (The Superficial)

Kristen Stewart says it isn’t that she’s a shitty actress it’s that everyone else is shittier. (Dlisted)

Kendall Jenner in a swimsuit makes me think bad thoughts. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus gets naked…again…for V magazine. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio is in her underwear in Vogue Brazil. (COED)

Amber Heard topless. That is all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lizzy Caplan is a master of sex in her panties. See what I did there? (Drunken Stepfather)

Angelina Jolie Defends Santa Claus

By Matt June 12, 2014 @ 10:29 AM

Angie In Maleficent

Angelina Jolie and preeminent evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins are trading barbs over Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. At a recent symposium the vehemently anti-religious and award winningly boring Dawkins questioned whether children should be taught to believe in fairytale bullshit and should instead be raised with a “spirit of skepticism.” Dawkins sees a slippery slope between telling your kids that Santa exists and them strapping on bombs for Allah. Naturally, Dawkins misses the entire point of child mythology which is to get kids to shut the fuck up at bedtime. Go ahead and teach your preschoolers skepticism and debate tactics and start counting the minutes until you decided to blow your brains out.

Jolie is currently starring as a fairy in Maleficent which is pretty similar accreditation to being a child development specialist. Similar to how Brad Pitt is now an expert at robbing casinos and aging backward. Actually, I think is he aging backward, that fiendishly handsome bastard. Jolie has responded to Dawkins comments by asserting that fairytales are harmless and that children should enjoy their innocence and fantasy for as long as they can. Someday, they’ll have to grow up, make out with their siblings, steal somebody’s husband, and cut off their female parts to please science. For now, just Santa, and some Kwanzaa voodoo shit for the African ones. Don’t take that away from them, you crusty British necromancer.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Angelina Jolie Might Run For Office (VIDEO)

By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Angelina Jolie sat down with morning show munchkin George Stephanopoulos for an interview on Good Morning America, and after they talked about her latest role as that lady in the movie and how she inspired women all over the world to pay more attention to their breasts (and health), he asked her if she’d changed her mind at all about the possibility of running for office. Angelina has long maintained that she had no interest because she doesn’t think that a woman who used to make out with her brother and carried a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood on a necklace would be taken seriously. But if she knew that she could make a difference, she said, then it’s very possible that Angelina could end up getting into politics. Best of luck to her in whatever she decides to do, but I’ll just keep watching Gia instead.

Hey Angelina, You’ve Got Some Shit On Your Face

By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Angelina Jolie doesn't own a mirror

When your main job in life is being a world famous A-list actress and director, and your secondary job is raising your 36 children while your husband is off making his own, less important films and haunting Jennifer Aniston’s dreams, you’re bound to forget something every once in a while. For Angelina Jolie, that something was looking in a mirror before she stepped out on the red carpet for the premiere of The Normal Heart in New York City last night. Of course, there’s probably a perfectly meaningful and righteous reason for the white powder all over her face, like it represents the pain and suffering of Syrian orphans or the powder is indicative of the ash that Ukrainian schoolchildren have had to search through to find their classmates. So who’s the idiot with shit on his face now? It’s this guy.

Photo Credits: Getty