Angelina Jolie Defends Santa Claus

By Matt June 12, 2014 @ 10:29 AM

Angie In Maleficent

Angelina Jolie and preeminent evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins are trading barbs over Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. At a recent symposium the vehemently anti-religious and award winningly boring Dawkins questioned whether children should be taught to believe in fairytale bullshit and should instead be raised with a “spirit of skepticism.” Dawkins sees a slippery slope between telling your kids that Santa exists and them strapping on bombs for Allah. Naturally, Dawkins misses the entire point of child mythology which is to get kids to shut the fuck up at bedtime. Go ahead and teach your preschoolers skepticism and debate tactics and start counting the minutes until you decided to blow your brains out.

Jolie is currently starring as a fairy in Maleficent which is pretty similar accreditation to being a child development specialist. Similar to how Brad Pitt is now an expert at robbing casinos and aging backward. Actually, I think is he aging backward, that fiendishly handsome bastard. Jolie has responded to Dawkins comments by asserting that fairytales are harmless and that children should enjoy their innocence and fantasy for as long as they can. Someday, they’ll have to grow up, make out with their siblings, steal somebody’s husband, and cut off their female parts to please science. For now, just Santa, and some Kwanzaa voodoo shit for the African ones. Don’t take that away from them, you crusty British necromancer.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Angelina Jolie Might Run For Office (VIDEO)

By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Angelina Jolie sat down with morning show munchkin George Stephanopoulos for an interview on Good Morning America, and after they talked about her latest role as that lady in the movie and how she inspired women all over the world to pay more attention to their breasts (and health), he asked her if she’d changed her mind at all about the possibility of running for office. Angelina has long maintained that she had no interest because she doesn’t think that a woman who used to make out with her brother and carried a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood on a necklace would be taken seriously. But if she knew that she could make a difference, she said, then it’s very possible that Angelina could end up getting into politics. Best of luck to her in whatever she decides to do, but I’ll just keep watching Gia instead.

Hey Angelina, You’ve Got Some Shit On Your Face

By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Angelina Jolie doesn't own a mirror

When your main job in life is being a world famous A-list actress and director, and your secondary job is raising your 36 children while your husband is off making his own, less important films and haunting Jennifer Aniston’s dreams, you’re bound to forget something every once in a while. For Angelina Jolie, that something was looking in a mirror before she stepped out on the red carpet for the premiere of The Normal Heart in New York City last night. Of course, there’s probably a perfectly meaningful and righteous reason for the white powder all over her face, like it represents the pain and suffering of Syrian orphans or the powder is indicative of the ash that Ukrainian schoolchildren have had to search through to find their classmates. So who’s the idiot with shit on his face now? It’s this guy.

Photo Credits: Getty

Angelina Jolie Celebrates The Anniversary of Removing Her Boobs

By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 5:07 PM

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Arrive At EE British Academy Film Awards In London
It was a year ago that Angelina started to ensure she couldn’t ever get breast cancer by the logical step of getting rid of her breasts. The move was somewhat controversial given that there was no way to know if she’d even ever get breast cancer in the future, just a strong possibility. But Angelina was lauded by tons of important people for being super brave and proactive, a term typically reserved for politicians before they set about to ruin shit. To celebrate the anniversary of her bold decision, Angelina dressed just like her husband at the BAFTAs award so that British people could have their secretly horrible turn to wonder if Brad still bangs his wife or not.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Angelina Jolie Directing With Chesty Confidence

By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 6:28 PM

Angelina Jolie Looking Chesty On The Set Of Her Movie 'Unbroken' In Australia
It’s only been seven months since Angelina Jolie shared with the world that she’d cut off her boobs because she might get breast cancer in the future. Her precog foresight earned her resounding kudos from every female corner and from the men who like to here-here whatever women say for fear or being cut off from sex. That shit is powerful. I remain concerned that Angelina’s decision to lop off appendages pre-disease might convince people to get a little overzealous in treating their potential future illnesses. I already lost one friend who learned of heart disease in his family to a vegetarian diet. He used to be fun, now he just smells like salad and issues hourly reports on his LDL. The idea of losing millions of tits on spec is some kind of boob-lovers nightmare. That probably sounds selfish and chauvinistic. That’s how you know it’s honest.

Photo Credit:

Angelina Buys Brad Pitt A Fucking Island

By Jack November 26, 2013 @ 1:54 PM

What do you buy the man that already has everything? A fucking heart-shaped island, of course! At least that’s what the once hot Angelina Jolie got for Brad Pitt for his 50th birthday. Petra island is a small rock 50 miles off the coast of New York City that has two houses built by the great American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Pitt is apparently a Lloyd Wright fan, so naturally he should get both as well as the rest of the island, right? Well, of course! He deserves all the best. After all it’s not easy dressing up and playing pretend. Oh wait, it totally fucking is.

It makes sense that Angelina Jolie is now buying up remote islands. She can staff the islands with discreet medical teams prepared to lop off her body parts as genetics testing reveals her chances for various future diseases. At some point, she’ll come back to the mainland as merely a portion of torso encased in a saline filled bio-suit. But Brad will still love her. Because he’s that kind of a guy. The guy who gets islands for his birthday.