ANGELINAS MOM DIED

By brendon January 29, 2007 @ 11:09 AM

Marcheline Bertrand, actress and mother of Angelina Jolie, died on Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles after a seven year battle with cancer.  She was 56.  In her final moments, she was with Angelina and her brother James Haven, as well as Angelina’s boyfriend Brad Pitt.  Bertrand raised Angelina and James by herself after divorcing their father, actor Jon Voight, when Jolie was a toddler.  A friend who dated Haven said:

"Marcheline was beautiful, caring and totally devoted to her children. I never saw her upset or sad, even after she was diagnosed with cancer.  She always treated me like a member of her family."

Still, that sounds like a pretty cool way to go, with a bunch of big stars standing around your bed.  I'd have to ask James to leave though.  He’s not really famous enough.  And I’d have him replaced with some hot model, like Marissa Miller maybe.  And then I’d have Angelina and Marissa start makin out.  And then my plans would be fulfilled, and my last words on earth would be, "… so … awesome…"

ANGELINA JOLIE IS RICH

By brendon January 25, 2007 @ 6:25 AM

Angelina Jolie spent 700 dollars to check into Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica on Friday for two hours so that she and her son Maddox could take a shower at the luxury hotel.  A source says:

"It was just very bizarre, when she and Brad Pitt own two houses here in Los Angeles, that she would need to spend that kind of money on a hotel room just so she and Maddox could shower."

Meanwhile, two blocks away from Shutters on Santa Monica’s third street promenade, filthy homeless lunatic Warren Ducket found a pith helmet in the dumpster behind Banana Republic.  When asked for a comment, Ducket mumbled, "Look at 'em! A hot day, don’t even got a helmet.  Not me though, I got. And what it can do too. God-Damn Teddy Roosevelt, That’s Who! Me! No lions on me! Jack-asses. Is what they are! Fuck ‘em. The people."  

Ducket also showed off a mostly working snorkel.  "All this water, gotta breathe, can't water and not breathe. Swimmin. In the water. Gotta! Protect ya from the sharks AND COPS. Too much then. Kill em! Just like Teddy."



RACHEL RAY HATES EVERYONE

By brendon January 24, 2007 @ 10:41 AM

TMZ says that Rachael Ray made racist remarks about Oprah Winfrey and attacked Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie while drunk at a restaurant in Los Angeles.  The incident occurred in December of 2005 when Rachel was being promoted by Oprah to get her own syndicated talk show.  While on a book tour in LA, Rachel went to diner at the Houston’s restaurant in the Century City shopping mall just outside Beverly Hills.  Rachel had a few glasses of wine, became "extremely loud and aggressive," and began to talk about a picture Oprah has of herself in her production office.  TMZ says:

(The picture is) from the movie "Beloved" and shows Winfrey's back, enhanced with scars. She's also wearing a skirt from the slavery era … sources say Ray launched into attack mode: "Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black."  But Oprah wasn't Ray's only target. Sources say she told the group how much she liked Jennifer Aniston and then called Brad Pitt a "pussy boy." But her harshest comments were reserved for Angelina Jolie, calling her "a skanky, backdoor cunt."

God, who the hell are you supposed to cheer for in this.  Rachel and Oprah are both fat-asses with seals for an audience and they aren’t nearly as interesting or funny as they seem to think and yet everything they do and say all comes back to them.  Choosing between Rachel Ray and Oprah is like choosing what color toaster I wanna put my dick in.


JENNIFER ANISTON IS A SOCIOPATH

By brendon January 23, 2007 @ 3:02 PM

Jennifer Aniston is set to appear on the season finale of Dirt, the FX showed starring her bff Courteney Cox.  Aniston will play the editor to a rival gossip magazine but wasn’t sold on the idea until producers pitched the concept of creating – brace yourself – a cheating "Brad Pitt" type character to ridicule during the show.  Aniston agreed and the episode will follow a married celebrity who leaves his famous wife for his sexy movie co-star.

“Jen wants to be on ‘Dirt.’ She just hasn’t decided who she wants to play or when she’ll do it.  But insiders say she [Jen] will definitely want her [Courteney] to include a Brad-like character, as well as an Angelina character.  I think Jen would like to have her ex-hubby squirming in his seat seeing some guy dump his adorable – and adoring – TV star wife for a sexy co-star!”

This bitch is a fuckin lunatic.  He left her dopey ass like 5 years ago, but I bet she still has a special room in her house with all of Brads posters with the eyes cut out and all his movies on DVD.  And all the movies are all unopened.  And there’s a Brad Pitt doll still in the box but you're not allowed to touch it.  "No no no," Jenn will say, "don't touch that … don't touch that."  And then she'll take the doll from you and stroke the box, and whisper to herself as she puts it back on the shelf.  "Shhhh, it's okay baby, you're safe now and right were you belong.  I'm not gonna lose you again … never again."



PITT AND JOLIE MOVE TO NEW ORLEANS

By brendon January 16, 2007 @ 11:14 AM

Us Weekly says that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have moved their young family to New Orleans.   On January 11, Jolie and Pitt bought a $3.5 million, six-bedroom, four-and-a-half bath mansion in the French Quarter and plan on living there full time.  Jolie says:

“We love it there.  The kids are going to go to school there. We're really looking forward to it.”

Us quotes a source saying that Jolie wants to be a normal mom in New Orleans but is still committed to helping the less fortunate.  Us says:

“She’s interested in befriending normal moms so she can do things with the kids,” says a Jolie source.  And who can forget their humanitarian efforts? “Angelina has asked for places she can do charity work,” says the source, who adds that Jolie had inquired about a school for disadvantaged youth.

It's hard not to notice that they bought a house there in January.  Let's see how much they love southern Louisiana in August.  Trust me, it's like living a mile from the sun.  But my penis and I were talking about it and my penis pointed out that this will mean pictures of Angelina walking around in skimpy clothes with her hair pulled back and slightly sweaty all the time.  And even though I said, "well, that's true," you have to understand that getting sweaty chicks almost naked is pretty much my penis's answer to everything.

ANGELINA JOLIE IS CREEPY

By brendon January 12, 2007 @ 12:24 PM

As the owner and operator of a penis, I can't even begin to tell you how scary it is when a girls forearms are as vascular as Angelina Jolies.  That hand is like a killing chamber for a penis.  Ninety percent of my diary is either drawings of unicorns dancing under rainbows or daydreams about getting a hand job from Angelina, but that's gonna change now.  I'd rather slam my penis in a car door than have that thing wrapped around it, beating it to a bloody pulp, if not ripping it off completely.  Then I have to spend the rest of the night in the emergency room with my penis in a glass of milk, trying to explain to the doctor why there are grooves worn into it like the handlebars to a 10-year-olds bike.  Believe it or not, that's really not the sexy night or adventure I had in mind.