By brendon December 19, 2006 @ 5:13 PM

Angelina Jolie says that adoptive parents are more fit than natural parents because of the rigorous screening process they have to go through to get a child.  Angelina says:

"It should be hard to be a parent period. I go through many things to adopt.  I'm finger-printed, I'm checked, I go through home studies. I have to prove I'm a decent citizen; a good human being. That didn't happen to me when I gave birth, so it's interesting that there's no background check when you bring a child into your home in that way."

Once I kidnap Paris Hilton and fill her vagina with cement so she can never have kids, I picture a world of rainbows and a big smiling sun and people frolicking through a gumdrop meadow with a dancing candy cane on one hand and a baby tiger in a little football payer outfit on the other.  Some people really shouldn't have kids, and the world is filled with an alarming number of parents who are complete and total fuckups.  That being said, its probably dumb to make a blanket statement like adoptive parents are more fit than natural parents.  Angelina was still certifiably insane when she adopted Maddox, and everyone knows she only got him because she's rich, famous and she was in Cambodia.  In Cambodia you can get a free baby with 8 gallons of gas.


By brendon December 08, 2006 @ 5:23 PM

The Post Gazette says that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took time out from making cobra proof clothes to take a tour of Fallingwater, the famous house in southwestern Pennsylvania designed in 1935 by architect Frank Lloyd Wright.  The daytrip was part of Angelina's birthday present to Brad, who turns 43 next week.  Cara Armstrong, Fallingwater's Curator of Education, said:

"Brad said he had wanted to experience Fallingwater ever since he took an architectural history course in college.  He and I talked quite a bit about design and art. He was incredibly well informed about architecture.  (They were) very gracious and very engaged in the house. As we say in the Midwest, you could tell their mothers raised them right.  Brad said he had a visual sense of Fallingwater but experiencing it in person, hearing the sound of the waterfall cascading under the house and smelling the wood from the fireplace, was better than anything he could have imagined."

After the tour, Jolie had champagne and caviar sent in, which the couple shared in a private birthday celebration in Fallingwater's living room. Afterward, they invited the staff to join them.  "He's so hard to buy for," Jolie told the staff.

If these two were any cuter, Angelina would have given birth to a baby panda in a little cowboy outfit.


By brendon December 08, 2006 @ 11:41 AM

The Daily Mail and OK Magazine say that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning a Christmas wedding in a small village outside Johannesburg, South Africa.  The Mail says:

"They are treating their marriage like a spiritual affirmation and don't need big Hollywood glitz like Tom Cruise had in Italy."   The ceremony will include traditional African music and will be "simple and elegant", a friend of the couple told US magazine OK!   "They are so much in love.  Brad and Angelina have waited a long time for this chapter in their lives to unfold."

Guests are expected to include Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie, George Clooney and new James Bond Daniel Craig, as well as Oprah Winfrey, who suggested the African village where the ceremony may be held.

An insider said: "Ange is grateful to have a big sister in Oprah, a person who understands her fears of commitment but is also a kindred spirit."

God it never lets up with this chick.  Africa Africa Africa.  Yeah, I get Angie, you're better than I am.  You want to help.  But Brad just wants to fuck you.  That's why he never did this stuff before.  So stop dragging him all over the globe to the worst places on earth every time theres a problem like you're the superfriends.  The dude is crossing rivers of fire and fighting flying dragons just to prove himself to you, would it really kill you to give him a weekend at Pebble Beach, in a town where the "just married" limousines are actual cars and not just the biggest turtle.


By brendon November 17, 2006 @ 3:07 PM

Nicole Kidman is nice – Even though she wasn't invited to the wedding, Nicole Kidman has sent Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes a wedding present and a note that "wished them both a lifetime of happiness together."  How touching.  I bet it's a vibrator she bought at a garage sale.  

Angelina speaks out – Angelina Jolie has issued a statement after three of her bodyguards were arrested in India, accused of handling some children and their parents too roughly at a school where Jolie was filming.  Jolie said:

"It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos.  As for this horrible rumor that someone referred to a local man as a 'bloody Indian,' let me say this: I would never work with anyone that was derogatory towards another man's race. My family is of mixed race."

"Mixed race" seems like an understatement. By the time this is done, Jolie's family portrait is gonna include 9 kids, a pelican, a tiki warrior statue and a big grey rock.  The pelicans name should be Rusty.  Just because that seems like a good name for a pelican.  
Paris Hilton is predictable – Paris Hilton drunk?!?  And exposing herself?!?  Man, this picture is one in a million!


By brendon November 15, 2006 @ 4:18 PM

George Clooney is the Sexiest Man Alive – At least according to AARP People magazine.  Is there some shortage of Hollywood hunks that I don’t know about and that's why this guy has won twice now.  According to my mirror, no, no there's not.

KFed is already broke – The Post says that Kevin is already struggling to survive, now that Birtney has shut down his credit cards and turned off his cell phones.  The post says, “Federline is now scrimping where he can. He and his entourage of eight wannabe rappers showed up at downtown burlesque joint Corio for a comped dinner that would have cost him $1,200, a source tells us. An eyewitness at the next table reports, ‘He just kept ordering more and more food and then asked for it to be put in containers so he could take the food out to the clubs with him. Then he started putting napkins in the tops of the tequila and vodka bottles and stuck them under his coat trying to sneak the liquor out with him. It was really unbelievable to watch.’"

Holy Christ.  This is already the greatest story ever.  I can't wait for tomorrow.  If there aren’t pictures of him wearing a bib and chasing a chicken I’m gonna be profoundly disappointed.

Angelina eats at McDonalds – I’m pretty sure my head would explode if I ever saw Angelina Jolie casually sitting down in a McDonalds, but there she was yesterday in India, taking a break … wait, why is there a McDonalds in India.  Cows are like superheroes to those people.  What the hell is goin on.


By brendon November 06, 2006 @ 12:59 PM

Is it really any wonder Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston’s fug ass for Angelina Jolie.  Even in dilapidated shacks in the worst places on earth, she still looks like a damn Pantene commercial.  One time I masturbated while a big mean dog was chasing just by thinking about Angelina Jolie.  True story.