PITT AND JOLIE MOVE TO NEW ORLEANS

By brendon January 16, 2007 @ 11:14 AM

Us Weekly says that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have moved their young family to New Orleans.   On January 11, Jolie and Pitt bought a $3.5 million, six-bedroom, four-and-a-half bath mansion in the French Quarter and plan on living there full time.  Jolie says:

“We love it there.  The kids are going to go to school there. We're really looking forward to it.”

Us quotes a source saying that Jolie wants to be a normal mom in New Orleans but is still committed to helping the less fortunate.  Us says:

“She’s interested in befriending normal moms so she can do things with the kids,” says a Jolie source.  And who can forget their humanitarian efforts? “Angelina has asked for places she can do charity work,” says the source, who adds that Jolie had inquired about a school for disadvantaged youth.

It's hard not to notice that they bought a house there in January.  Let's see how much they love southern Louisiana in August.  Trust me, it's like living a mile from the sun.  But my penis and I were talking about it and my penis pointed out that this will mean pictures of Angelina walking around in skimpy clothes with her hair pulled back and slightly sweaty all the time.  And even though I said, "well, that's true," you have to understand that getting sweaty chicks almost naked is pretty much my penis's answer to everything.

ANGELINA JOLIE IS CREEPY

By brendon January 12, 2007 @ 12:24 PM

As the owner and operator of a penis, I can't even begin to tell you how scary it is when a girls forearms are as vascular as Angelina Jolies.  That hand is like a killing chamber for a penis.  Ninety percent of my diary is either drawings of unicorns dancing under rainbows or daydreams about getting a hand job from Angelina, but that's gonna change now.  I'd rather slam my penis in a car door than have that thing wrapped around it, beating it to a bloody pulp, if not ripping it off completely.  Then I have to spend the rest of the night in the emergency room with my penis in a glass of milk, trying to explain to the doctor why there are grooves worn into it like the handlebars to a 10-year-olds bike.  Believe it or not, that's really not the sexy night or adventure I had in mind.

ANGELINA IS NO HERO

By brendon January 11, 2007 @ 10:27 AM

Despite being an vocal proponent of adoption and specifically adopting from impoverished nations, Angelina Jolie is now facing heat from adoption advocates.  Jolie criticized the way Madonna adopted a baby boy from Africa, suggesting she didn’t go through the proper channels, but didn’t mention that she used a agency recently found guilty of fraud when adopting her son Maddox from Cambodia.  Page Six says:

"Angelina is not a hero in the adoption community," (a source said) "she does nothing, or at least very little, to keep international adoption open and legal for American families and children."  When Jolie adopted Maddox in 2002, she used Seattle International Adoptions, run by Lauryn Galindo – who was found guilty two years later of visa fraud and money laundering related to Cambodian adoptions … after Jolie's adoption scandal, Cambodia closed its doors, and many families who were waiting to acquire children were left empty-handed.

Everyones real concern of course is how this will effect sex tours and our sexual predators in Cambodia.  I'll let you know what they say at the meeting.  I got an IM earlier from Big14U and he said this was total bullshit, then he sent the frowny face, so its obviously pretty bad.  Stay tuned to Tyler for all the breaking news!



SHILOH JOLIE WAS AN ACCIDENT

By brendon January 10, 2007 @ 12:58 PM

Angelina Jolie tells ElleUK that she never planned on getting pregnant and starting a family with Brad Pitt.  Basically, it was an accident.  Hello Magazine says:

"I wasn't planning on getting pregnant.  I'm the one that got knocked up.  Some men have kids when they're not ready and some men know they want to take it seriously and wait until they're absolutely ready.  You could say Brad changed me."

And there's more good news for Shiloh.  Not only was she an accident, but her mom loves her less than her two adopted siblings:

"I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they're survivors, they came through so much.  Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I'm conscious that I have to make sure I don't ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable."

"More vulnerable"?  What the hell is she talking about?  The only thing Maddox is vulnerable to is getting laid at 13.  In a recent survey of 13-year-olds who were me, 100 percent of the people who responded said "voom voom" as they played with a toy light saber.  Yeah, this kids got problems all right.  Like me and me steely blue eyes,  they're so blue women get swept away and can't contain their passion.  Also my penis is so big I have to wear special pants and can't ride a bike.  Oh woe is me!



ANGELINA HATES MADONNA

By brendon January 08, 2007 @ 10:21 AM

Angelina Jolie has come out and criticized Madonna’s adoption of an African baby, calling it illegal and saying she was shocked that Madonna would take a baby boy out of a country where his father still lives.  She is also offended that Madonna would visit “an impoverished African country with the sole intention of choosing an infant.”  Angelina says:

'Madonna knew the situation in Malawi, where he was born.  It's a country where there is no real legal framework for adoption.  Personally, I prefer to stay on the right side of the law. I would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal.'

I’m not saying we should kill Madonna, but I’m not not saying we should kill Madonna.  At the very least we should freeze her until they find a cure for whatever it is that makes people egomaniac bitches.  It's pretty much the same thing as killing her, but probably legal becuase it sounds all sciencey.



ANGELINA KINDA SORTA HAS A POINT

By brendon December 19, 2006 @ 5:13 PM

Angelina Jolie says that adoptive parents are more fit than natural parents because of the rigorous screening process they have to go through to get a child.  Angelina says:

"It should be hard to be a parent period. I go through many things to adopt.  I'm finger-printed, I'm checked, I go through home studies. I have to prove I'm a decent citizen; a good human being. That didn't happen to me when I gave birth, so it's interesting that there's no background check when you bring a child into your home in that way."

Once I kidnap Paris Hilton and fill her vagina with cement so she can never have kids, I picture a world of rainbows and a big smiling sun and people frolicking through a gumdrop meadow with a dancing candy cane on one hand and a baby tiger in a little football payer outfit on the other.  Some people really shouldn't have kids, and the world is filled with an alarming number of parents who are complete and total fuckups.  That being said, its probably dumb to make a blanket statement like adoptive parents are more fit than natural parents.  Angelina was still certifiably insane when she adopted Maddox, and everyone knows she only got him because she's rich, famous and she was in Cambodia.  In Cambodia you can get a free baby with 8 gallons of gas.