YIKES

By brendon March 12, 2007 @ 8:51 AM

As a United Nations ambassador, Angelina Jolie often travels to some of the worst places on earth, sometimes at great personal risk, and these trips are becoming more and more troubling for her boyfriend Brad Pitt.  Now Jolie admits those fears were almost realized.  She tells a London paper that there was a recent plot to kidnap her, and it was only foiled at the last minute.  Jolie says:

"It was in a small village.  I won't say where, or with whom, but some gangsters planned to kidnap me and extort a massive ransom. I was warned at the last minute, and managed to escape, luckily."

Despite this, Jolie says she has no intention of curbing her trips to global hotspots.

"I don't want to act like the Mother Teresa of Hollywood, but I want to help where there is poverty and destruction. I love Brad very much and on our trips we pull together as a team. Things only get difficult when it affects our children."

Wow this chick is like one of the damned Super Friends, traveling wherever it sucks to see if she can help.  I kinda do the same thing in my home movies starring my stuffed animals and my rocket ship made up of a recliner tipped backwards.  We sometimes “gotta get outa here” because it “looks like we got company”.   Does that make me a hero, like Angelina?  Yes.  Yes it does.  The greatest hero of all, some would say.



ANGELINA AND BRAD ARE ADOPTING AGAIN

By brendon March 02, 2007 @ 11:26 AM

Despite recent denials to the contrary, US magazine is reporting today that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in the process of adopting a child from Vietnam.   Interestingly, the adoption agency in Vietnam says Jolie applied to adopt as a single parent.  Jolie and Pitt visited the country last Thanksgiving and toured an orphanage on the edge of Ho Chi Minh City.  The couple reportedly wants to adopt a boy around 3 or 4 years of age.  The director of Vietnam's International Adoption Agency says:

"Yes, they have started the procedure to adopt a child in Vietnam.  They have to follow all the procedures like any other American.  They will have to work with the American side. No priority will be given to them, that means they will be treated equally as any other people."

It's obvious they didn't ask Maddox about this, because – umm, how do I put this – Vietnam doesn't rank real high with other Asian cultures.  Don't worry about how I know, but trust me when I tell you that a lot of Asian cultures don't get along, but they all agree to dislike the Vietnamese.  Brad should go to one of the sexy Asian countries, like Thailand or wherever that chick from Battlestar Galactica is from.  I think it's Korea.  Or a Korean chick who lives in Thailand.  According to my webcam, the girls over there are real friendly.  They all have giggly pillow fights and sexy bondage parties.  And why not.  It's Thailand, man.  No rules.



ANGELINA WANTS ANOTHER BABY

By brendon February 23, 2007 @ 9:41 AM

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt reportedly want to adopt another baby, this time a boy from Vietnam.  The couple, of course, has already adopted a boy from Cambodia and a little girl from Ethiopia and they had their first natural (real) baby last year.   Brad and Angelina visited the Vietnamese orphanage together in November and Angelina returned alone last month.  It is said they have already filed adoption papers.   Us Weekly says:

"Angelina and Brad have filed papers with the US Citizenship and Immigration services to adopt a boy from the Tam Binh orphanage in Ho Chi Minh City."

Hmm.  I've never trusted the Vietnamese ever since Pearl Harbor.  I'm still convinced they were involved somehow.   Your day is coming you wily bastards.  TRUTH TO POWER!

ANGELINAS MOM DIED

By brendon January 29, 2007 @ 11:09 AM

Marcheline Bertrand, actress and mother of Angelina Jolie, died on Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles after a seven year battle with cancer.  She was 56.  In her final moments, she was with Angelina and her brother James Haven, as well as Angelina’s boyfriend Brad Pitt.  Bertrand raised Angelina and James by herself after divorcing their father, actor Jon Voight, when Jolie was a toddler.  A friend who dated Haven said:

"Marcheline was beautiful, caring and totally devoted to her children. I never saw her upset or sad, even after she was diagnosed with cancer.  She always treated me like a member of her family."

Still, that sounds like a pretty cool way to go, with a bunch of big stars standing around your bed.  I'd have to ask James to leave though.  He’s not really famous enough.  And I’d have him replaced with some hot model, like Marissa Miller maybe.  And then I’d have Angelina and Marissa start makin out.  And then my plans would be fulfilled, and my last words on earth would be, "… so … awesome…"

ANGELINA JOLIE IS RICH

By brendon January 25, 2007 @ 6:25 AM

Angelina Jolie spent 700 dollars to check into Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica on Friday for two hours so that she and her son Maddox could take a shower at the luxury hotel.  A source says:

"It was just very bizarre, when she and Brad Pitt own two houses here in Los Angeles, that she would need to spend that kind of money on a hotel room just so she and Maddox could shower."

Meanwhile, two blocks away from Shutters on Santa Monica’s third street promenade, filthy homeless lunatic Warren Ducket found a pith helmet in the dumpster behind Banana Republic.  When asked for a comment, Ducket mumbled, "Look at 'em! A hot day, don’t even got a helmet.  Not me though, I got. And what it can do too. God-Damn Teddy Roosevelt, That’s Who! Me! No lions on me! Jack-asses. Is what they are! Fuck ‘em. The people."  

Ducket also showed off a mostly working snorkel.  "All this water, gotta breathe, can't water and not breathe. Swimmin. In the water. Gotta! Protect ya from the sharks AND COPS. Too much then. Kill em! Just like Teddy."



RACHEL RAY HATES EVERYONE

By brendon January 24, 2007 @ 10:41 AM

TMZ says that Rachael Ray made racist remarks about Oprah Winfrey and attacked Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie while drunk at a restaurant in Los Angeles.  The incident occurred in December of 2005 when Rachel was being promoted by Oprah to get her own syndicated talk show.  While on a book tour in LA, Rachel went to diner at the Houston’s restaurant in the Century City shopping mall just outside Beverly Hills.  Rachel had a few glasses of wine, became "extremely loud and aggressive," and began to talk about a picture Oprah has of herself in her production office.  TMZ says:

(The picture is) from the movie "Beloved" and shows Winfrey's back, enhanced with scars. She's also wearing a skirt from the slavery era … sources say Ray launched into attack mode: "Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black."  But Oprah wasn't Ray's only target. Sources say she told the group how much she liked Jennifer Aniston and then called Brad Pitt a "pussy boy." But her harshest comments were reserved for Angelina Jolie, calling her "a skanky, backdoor cunt."

God, who the hell are you supposed to cheer for in this.  Rachel and Oprah are both fat-asses with seals for an audience and they aren’t nearly as interesting or funny as they seem to think and yet everything they do and say all comes back to them.  Choosing between Rachel Ray and Oprah is like choosing what color toaster I wanna put my dick in.