Miranda Kerr Wants To Sleep With Angelina Jolie

By Travis June 05, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Ever since she was allegedly dumped by Victoria’s Secret for being an expensive diva, Miranda Kerr has had to find other things to do with her time, including making Fox & Friends the most important talk show for the first time in its history. Before she made her appearance yesterday, though, Miranda was sweet enough to bring her skintight pink dress outside to sign autographs for her fans, and TMZ asked her a very important question – “Who is your girl crush?”

Miranda said Angelina Jolie, which is kind of vanilla, because she could and should have said, “It’s Erin Heatherton and she just happens to be right here” and then they could have 69’d during her afternoon appearance at The Gillette Venus Step Up & Step Out Summer Tour. That probably would have sold a few razors.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Brad Pitt Can’t See Faces Anymore, Now What?

By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 5:24 PM

Here’s a little tip for the ladies. If a man informs you that he has an unusual illness that in any way shape or form might lead him to sleep with another woman, he’s going to use that illness as a crutch to cheat on you. Consider that a lock. Take Brad Pitt for instance. Suddenly after Angelina Jolie decides to cut off her breasts, he comes down with Prosopagnosia. He can’t recognize faces. That’s awfully convenient for a man who might find himself boning a production assistant and, naturally, just assume it’s Angelina since he can’t make out her face. He might have to dickslay a thousand women before he gets back to the woman he actually has someday promised to marry. That illness is a bitch. I hope Angelina understands. She has future cancer. Granted, Pitt has never actually been tested for this rare neurological issue. But I’m sure he’ll get right on that.

Here’s Angelina at the World War Z premiere in London. When this film began production, Angelina had both her boobs and was 19-years old.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN

Angelina Jolie’s Non-Boobs Get Painted

By Jack May 27, 2013 @ 10:28 AM

Angelina Jolie and her boobless boobs were big news a couple of weeks ago as the whole world collectively acted as if something truly terrible had happened like a war, a plague, or Salt 2 went into production. Some people were shocked, some were angry, and many were inspired. Take for example weirdo Swedish painter Johan Andersson who decided to paint a portrait of Jolie post-surgery. She didn’t pose for it or anything, it’s just what he imagines her chest looks like. From what I can tell he spent a lot of time and effort visualizing her non-breasts. He said he did it because he thought it was brave and whatever and the proceeds go to help kids in the Congo. That is certainly nice, but, I’m pretty sure this herring eating, Abba/death metal-loving, ergonomic furniture-having Swede just has fantasies about women with mastectomies. In fact, I’d venture to guess he just painted Angelina’s face atop one of the many faceless mastectomy body portraits he keeps in his little red painted barn. You should order a print for the aunt you don’t like for her birthday.

Angelina Jolie Removes Both Her Boobs

By Jack May 14, 2013 @ 1:57 PM

Whatever real breast tissue Angelina Jolie had left is now gone after she had a preventative double mastectomy. It seems that the mother of between seventeen and thirty children has a faulty gene that increases her risk of getting cancer. Her mom died at a relatively young age and Angie wants to live to adopt more Third World kids and make movies in Croatia nobody will ever see. This doesn’t mean she’s going to be flat like your Aunt Gertrude after her mastectomy. This is Hollywood and without her tits Angie’s career is not just lukewarm like it is now, it’s over. So she had entirely new and I’m sure quite fabulously endowed boobs built. I’m guessing for a ton of cash you probably don’t get the bolt-ons either, but really nice Kate Upton replicas.

Angelina said she came out with her ordeal to encourage other women to get genetic tests done to identify their risk. That’s nice. It also gives us all an excuse to think about her breasts. I remember when I first saw them in the 90′s in Gia. they were so young and full of life. It was a simpler time then, when we could stare at her chest and not think about death.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, Getty, INF, PCN, WENN

For $50,000, You Can Own This Photo Of Angelina Jolie

By Travis April 18, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Next month, a series of original photographs of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, taken by world-famous photographer David LaChapelle, will be up for grabs at Christie’s auction house in London. Among those photos is the shot above, which features a then-25-year old topless Angelina Jolie frolicking with a horse. The image was excluded from a series that was published in a feature for Rolling Stone in 2001, which is unfortunate because a horse motorboating a woman might have helped us heal as a nation back then.

According to the Daily Mail, the photo is expected to sell for upwards of $50,000, more than any of the other photos included in the Wild Side of Photography Auction. Also up for bidding is a photo of Angelina and Brad having dinner with a bunch of kids, but that will probably be purchased by a woman with a fake mustache and top hat who totally isn’t Jennifer Aniston.

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Wednesday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 23, 2013 @ 4:07 PM


ANGELINA JOLIE – might be pregnant again, meaning she and Brad Pitt will soon have their seventh child. To be honest I’m not even sure if that’s what the story said, it just seems like something they would do. (hollywood life)

BEYONCE – lip-synched yesterday at the inauguration for President Obama, but her ‘Destinys Child’ bandmate Michelle Williams was quick to defend her because of the crowd, possible echoes, and the enormity of the moment. Also because Beyonce sucks and needs everything filtered through a super computer that could make Stephen Hawking sound like Michael Crawford. (fox news)

‘THE CANYONS’ – has now been rejected by the Sundance Film Festival and SXSW, meaning that even the promise of Lindsay Lohan doing fully naked sex scenes can’t get them a release date. Maybe they should change their approach and say Lindsay isn’t naked after all, and you never see her saggy freckled tits even once, and replacing all her scenes with this Kate Upton gif. (hollywood reporter)

GREGORY MATTHEW BRUNI – was arrested in North Fort Myers, Florida, for taking his clothes off, breaking into a strangers home, masturbating, and taking a shit on the floor twice. Of course if the cops could explain how he’s supposed to masturbate and shit on the floor with his clothes on, I’d love to hear it. (huff post)

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY – is hot. I think. Or maybe not. Sometimes, like here, she looks great, but in real life it’s hard to tell. Especially since she got new drapes. What are those fucking things, lead? (marks and spencer lingerie photoshoot spring 2013)