Brad Pitt looks like this now

By brendon May 16, 2011 @ 4:49 PM

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Brad Pitt (seen here showing us what a Jeff Bridges ‘Miami Vice’ movie could have looked like) is in Cannes today for the premiere of ‘the Tree Of Life’, which is getting mixed reviews. Unlike his hair and beard, which will be universally mocked. I never thought I’d see this day but it’s almost to the point where I can say I’m better looking than Brad Pitt without someone saying, “oh yeah, you sure are”, and then applauding slowly and sarcastically.

(image source = getty and inf)

Angelina Jolie may have adopted another kid (update!)

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 5:48 PM

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Most people have seen the tattoo that Angelina Jolie has on her shoulder listing the latitude and longitude where each of her six kids were born. For example, here she is at the Salt premier last July. The two lines at the bottom say N 43° 41′ 21″ E 07° 14′ 28″, and if you plug that in on a map you get the Lenval hospital in Nice, France, where her twins Knox and Vivienne were born in July of 2008.

It’s actually pretty cute. But obviously people are freaking out over the new pictures of her in Libya today because now the tat has seven lines. Celebuzz says…

(She) debuted a new tattoo on her left arm (pictured above) that lists the possible map coordinates of Algeria. The seven-line long tattoo includes the geographical coordinates of the birthplace locations for all of Jolie’s children. Hm, does this mean that Angie is gearing up to adopt a seventh child?

Just ignore that part about Algeria. These reports are all written by girls (this seems to be the first one) and girls don’t know shit about maps. You can’t read the second half of Jolies tat, the longitude, so all you have is the latitude. So it’s useless because we don’t know where the lines intersect. 35 degrees North could pretty much be any point along this red line. It could be Algeria, it could also be Oklahoma City or Tokyo.

This was a fascinating lesson about maps, wasn’t it. Tomorrow I’ll tell you what to do when confronted by a bear and show you how to make a compass out of a leaf.

ANTI-CLIMACTIC UPDATE – wow so it really was Oklahoma. But not for a new kid. InTouch says, “the new ink actually bears the longitude and latitude of Brad Pitt’s birthplace, Oklahoma.”

Angelina Jolie is in Libya

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 2:39 PM

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I quickly wanna preface this with what Jennifer Aniston said when explaining why she spent her 41st birthday at a palatial resort in Mexico.

“(A friend) said to me, ’You come to Mexico all the time and Mexico is really hurting right now because of the swine flu and the drug trafficking and all of this sort of stuff.”
“It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico’”

Okay now this, today, from Us

Angelina Jolie traveled to the Tunisian-Libyan border, where she spoke with refugees who had recently fled the fighting in Libya.
The purpose of Jolie’s visit to the embattled region: to highlight the need for greater international support for those affected by the crisis in Libya.
The Jolie-Pitt Foundation, established by Jolie and longtime love Brad Pitt in 2006, covered the costs for a flight of 177 people to return to their countries of origin– and purchased an ambulance to help support Tunisian efforts on the border to assist the injured arriving from Libya.

Some people still hate Angelina because she “stole” Pitt from Aniston, and never consider that maybe Aniston is just an annoying cunt and he left her for someone who is better in every way. In Anistons defense, her name is so synonymous with the word “bomb” maybe she’d like to go help in the Middle East but they won’t let her on a plane.

(image source = getty)

the new Tomb Raider movie will have a new Tomb Raider

By brendon March 08, 2011 @ 2:29 PM

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E-harmony rejected my profile because I said I was looking for a super hot girl with long hair and big tits who dresses slutty. I should have bought the rights to the Tomb Raider franchise because then I could have put that exact same thing in Entertainment Weekly.

Producer Graham King (The Departed, The Town) announced today that he’s acquired the film rights to Lara Croft, and plans to reboot the Tomb Raider franchise … (he) intends to bring her back to theaters in 2013. 
King describes the new plan in a press release as a “reboot.” He knows Jolie well, having recently worked with her on The Tourist, but she hasn’t expressed much interest in returning to the character.

Jolie was 25 in the first Tomb Raider in 2001, and 27 in the second one in 2003, but Harrison Ford is 90 and they put him in Indiana Jones 4. His punches looked like a cat trying to swim and they made a whole movie about it.

Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes

By brendon January 17, 2011 @ 1:04 PM

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It’s a free country, and Angelina Jolie can wear whatever she wants, but we should change that. Because this shit is ridiculous.

(image source = getty)

Jennifer Aniston is distancing herself from Chelsea Handler

By brendon December 22, 2010 @ 4:49 PM

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When we last saw Jennifer Aniston, she was pouting (shocking, I know) about Chelsea Handler calling Angelina Jolie a “cunt”, immediately after Handler and Aniston went on vacation together. Apparently Aniston thought everyone would assume they spent the vacation trashing Angelina. And 10 points to Aniston, because she was correct, and that is in fact what everyone thinks.

Now, Popeater says Aniston has done what she does best: excruciating amounts of soul searching followed by feeling sorry for herself.

“Jen and Chelsea haven’t officially fallen out but they certainly won’t be going on vacation together for a long time unless Chelsea promises to never talk about Angelina again,” a friend of Chelsea’s tells me. “She understands that what Chelsea did was out of loyalty, but it didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse.”
“Jen is a very private person. It’s one thing to crash Angelina in private; it’s another to do it in public. Chelsea should have known better and is feeling Jen’s cold shoulder for her mistake.”

No, Jen is not a very private person. That’s why we’re still talking about this. Because she cried about Brad Pitt Brad Pitt Brad Pitt to anyone who would listen for 5 years. You could record every single word Pitt says for an entire year, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear he’d never even met Jennifer Ansiton.