02.24.2010 morning headlines

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE - were photographed makin out in Paris on the set of her new movie. Perhaps all part of their intricate plan to trick the media into thinking they’re still together, which is apparently crucial for some reason that no one has ever bothered to explain. (just jared)

BONER - from ‘Growing Pains’ was last seen in Vancouver 10 days ago, and this morning his dad from ‘Star Trek’ asked for the public’s help. I bet this goes really well. “Chief we just got a tip from Mr. Hugh G. Rection saying Boner has gone limp on the corner of Imfuckin and Yomama. Should I send paramedics?” (people)

CHARLIE SHEEN - has entered a rehab for addiction to alcohol and cocaine. Let’s hope he get’s the help he needs. Everyone deserves a four-thousandth chance. (radar)

ROB ZOMBIE - is directing an episode of ‘CSI: Miami’, and this is the preview for it. Like every other episode of this dumb show, it looks like a complete piece of shit, but this one is Rob Zombier. (foundry)

AUSTRALIAN GIRLS - are fucking terrific. I don’t even know what Sophie Turner does, but she’s doing an amazing job at it. Whatever the championship trophy is called in her field, it should be renamed in her honor. (pacific coast)

7 photos in gallery >

Tags: angelina jolie, aussie girls, brad pitt, charlie sheen, headlines, rob zombie |

75 Comments

02.22.2010 monday morning headlines

ANGELINA JOLIE - has been estranged from her father Jon Voight for almost a decade, but he was in Venice this weekend spending time with her and Brad Pitt and their army of kids. Also this weekend, I put my dick in a milkshake. Coincidence? (msnbc)

THE HURT LOCKER - ran over ‘Avatar’ at this weekends British Film Awards. Both were nominated for 8 awards, ‘Hurt’ won 6, including Best Picture and Best Director. James Camerons movie about outer space kitty cats under attack may be a longshot to win the Academy Award now, unless they let dogs vote or something. (fox news)

VOTE FOR A TYLER READER - Technically I don’t care if gay people can get married because I’m not gay and I only care about me. I do however hate the government telling everyone what they can and can’t do, so in that sense gay people should be able to get married because, why can’t they just leave everyone alone. Go build a bullet train between LA and Vegas if you have so much spare time on your hands. Plus gay guys can’t have kids and I hate kids. What a utopia this world would be if more guys were gay. So that’s why I voted for Mikey in this wedding contest thing after he emailed me. So I can get my bullet train, and because my neighbor has two little kids who stand outside and scream all fucking day. The End. (vote)

HOLLY MADISON - attended the premiere of the new Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas. At least that’s what it said in my police report after I pulled down her dress. (NSFW pics under the cut. source = playboy and wenn)

18 photos in gallery >

Tags: angelina jolie, headlines, holly madison, vote for a reader |

13 Comments

02.16.2010 tuesday morning headlines

AXL ROSE - made a very rare public appearance and played a secret show this weekend in New York. Unfortunately the only guy who filmed it had never heard of a camera before, and no one told him what they were or how they worked. (foundry)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO - is not engaged to supermodel Bar Refaeli, despite some reports saying he is. He should settle down and get married. Finally see what everyone is raving about. (pop eater)

BRAD PITT AND QUENTIN TARANTINO - really love weed, but not while they work, so they didn’t smoke any while filming ‘Inglorious Basterds’. They tried, but the result was the first 45 minutes of the movie showing Brad asking if anyone ever noticed that cats have grandparents, and then everyone else agreeing that this was totally fucked up. (daily news)

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE - are in Venice, Italy today, holding hands and smiling while getting ice cream with Maddox, Pax, Zahara and Shiloh, who was dressed in a little bear cub (monkey?) hat. If these pictures were any more wholesome, they would be listed by the government as a source of calcium. (fame and inf)

21 photos in gallery >

Tags: angelina jolie, axl rose, bar refaeli, brad pitt, headlines, quentin tarantino |

31 Comments

02.12.2010 friday morning headlines

ANGELINA JOLIE - has no plans to adopt another child while in Haiti this week. They should get her drunk. Girls tend to be much more receptive to new ideas once they’re good and drunk. (cnn)

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS - is closing the gap on ‘Hurt Locker’ and ‘Avatar’ and is now a legit threat to win the Oscar for Best Picture. Who would have guessed that a movie depicting Jews as ferocious men of action would be so well received in Hollywood? (la times and la times)

ALICE EVE - Her new movie has some ecards for Valentines Day, but even better is that the ad now has shameless closeups of her amazing chest, exactly as I suggested two weeks ago. I should be a Hollywood movie executive. I saw her huge tits and thought, “Hmm. If only there was some way to convey to the audience that she has huge tits, but how?” (ecards)

ALEC BALDWIN - attacked a photographer as he left the hospital yesterday and had to be restrained by police. It was either because the photographer was crowding Baldwin, or because he’s fat and the photographer was dressed like a pint of ice cream. “NOM NOM NOM”, Baldwin said. (daily news, inf)

8 photos in gallery >

Tags: alec baldwin, alice eve, angelina jolie, headlines, inglorious basterds |

54 Comments

02.11.2010 thursday night headlines

JON GOSSELIN - has a tiny penis, according to his ex girlfriend, Halley Glassman. “He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny. (I) would laugh about it with my mom.” Jon Gosselin had no comment, the beginning of 6 months without mentioning her, so that when she ends up dead he won’t look like a suspect. (us.com)

ANGELINA JOLIE - paid $20,000 for a 200-year-old olive tree to give to Brad Pitt for Valentines Day, because it’s a sign of peace and longevity. That may sound like a lot, and you can pay 15 grand for an olive tree, but only if you want a complete piece of shit. (wonder wall)

JOHN MAYER - stopped his concert last night to give a tear-soaked apology for some of the things he said in his Playboy interview. Crying in public like this should only strengthen his fan base in the hood. (foundry)

LADY GAGA - may lose some of her goofy outfits because her favorite designer, Alexander McQueen, was found dead today of an apparent suicide. Actually he hung himself, so I don’t know why its’ being called an “apparent suicide”. He either killed himself or he really sucks at making rope swings. (pop eater)

FINALLY, PART 2 - After days of crappy lo-res SI Swimsuit Issue pictures, finally some decent scans have shown up online. Unfortunately, other than Brooklyn Decker, the models this year kind of suck, so this is a real mixed blessing. (si.com)

18 photos in gallery >

FACEBOOK …. TWITTER …. A DONKEY IN A SANTA HAT

Tags: angelina jolie, bikini, brad pitt, headlines, john mayer, Jon Gosselin, lady gaga |

28 Comments

02.09.2010 brad and angelina are suing

Tabloids have been claiming that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are breaking up any minute now since at least 2006. Here’s a post from May of 2007 about it. Yet they’re still together, and in fact they seemed pretty happy two days ago as their adopted New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl.

So maybe that’s why they’re suing the London tabloid the News Of The World, who claimed Pitt and Jolie met with attorneys in December to divide their assets and work out custody of their children. The BBC says…

The couple’s lawyer, Keith Schilling, called the “widely republished” allegations “false and intrusive”.
He added the paper had failed to meet “reasonable demands” for an apology.
He said the pair had also asked for a retraction of the allegations, which had subsequently been “widely republished by mainstream news outlets”.
A statement from Schillings Lawyers also noted that Sorrell Trope, identified by some publications as a divorce lawyer advising Pitt and Jolie, had never met them.
“I have had no contact from… Angelina Jolie and / or Brad Pitt,” said Trope in a letter quoted in the statement.
“I have never met… your clients or had any involvement with either of them. The foregoing is true with respect to all other members of this firm.”

Pitt must be a really nice guy. Aren’t there Russian generals selling bio-weapons for like a million dollars? What the hell is he waiting for? If I were rich I would definitely use it to terrify people and attack them into submission. But only my enemies. I’m tough but fair.