Jennifer Aniston is a home wrecking whore

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 12:42 PM

jennifer-aniston-justin-theroux

Jennifer Aniston has talked non stop for 6 years to make sure everyone knows how awful it was when the mean and wicked Angelina Jolie took out her claws to seduce and steal Brad Pitt. Very obviously Jennifer would never do anything like that.

Jennifer Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux has ended his 14-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend Heidi Bivens — who moved out of their home last weekend, Page Six has learned.

Oh.

Wait, so the guy Aniston has been publicly dating since mid-May, the one she went to the MTV Movie Awards with, was living with his girlfriend the entire time? Maybe they were already broken up but she just hadn’t moved yet.

Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston.
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend.”

Yeah but this is different because Angelina and Brad met on the set of ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’.

Aniston and Theroux met on the set of “Wanderlust” last fall, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable.

No, but, wait, Jennifer told Vogue the thing that hurt was that Angelina stole Brad. She knew he wasn’t single but she flirted with him anyway. By stark contrast, look at how Aniston acted toward Theroux when they made their movie together.

…the tight twosome (have) already settled into a form of domestic bliss on set! “Jen would take care of me a little bit,” Justin said. “When I would feel low, she had all these Chinese herbal medicines she’d give me. If I caught a cold, she’d make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.”

Oh, gosh. So I guess it turns out that Jennifer Aniston is just a cunt. Gee what a surprise.

Wednesday headlines

By brendon June 08, 2011 @ 1:58 PM

ramona_nitu_bikini_jersey_shore_south_beach

THE HANGOVER 3 – is already in development, and Zach Galafianakis says the story will center around his character getting sprung from a mental institution. In other words, expect to see his ass in a hospital gown. (rolling stone)

SALT 2 – could be on the way now that Angelina Jolie has agreed to do it and Sony has hired Kurt Wimmer to write a script. Might I suggest showing her ass in a hospital gown. (mtv)

SIENNA MILLER – got an apology from London tabloid News of the World after they published information they learned after hacking her cell phone. Pardon me, a “sincere” apology. So that seems fair. Look Sienna, we could go back and forth all day about who’s to blame and never get to the bottom of it, but they obviously feel terrible so let’s just call it even. (the ap)

NAOMIE HARRIS – who might best be known for playing voo doo witch/Calypso in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ 2 and 3, is in talks to be the female lead in the next James Bond movie. Will she get it? Oh, I’m on pins and needles! (ew)

RAMONA NITU – was on ‘Jersey Shore’ last season, and yesterday she was on South Beach, and… ok, I’m not gonna lie to you; posting these pictures seemed like a much better idea when they were just thumbnails. (bauer griffin)

Angelina Jolie is awesome, part 2

By brendon May 17, 2011 @ 2:21 PM

angelina_jolie_ramstein_air_force_base_germany_may_13_2011

If you’re a dumb selfish whore like Lindsay Lohan, you blow guys you suspect might have coke. More to the point, you never even dream of doing anything selfless unless you just got out of jail and need good publicity. At that point you’d find some kids with dirt on them, call the paparazzi, then never ever go back.

Angelina Jolie on the other hand went to Ramstein Air Force base in Germany four days ago to visit wounded soldiers, but there were no paparazzi pictures and it wasn’t in the press, because she didn’t tell anyone she was doing it. It was the same way when she went to Walter Reed. Because for her, that’s not the point.

By comparison, here’s an impression of the very same trip if it had been Jennifer Lopez and she just sat near someone with a heart monitor: “I SAID TURN IT THE FUCK OFF! THE MIC CAN’T EVEN HEAR ME BEING NICE WITH ALL THAT GOD DAMNED BEEPING!”

Brad Pitt looks like this now

By brendon May 16, 2011 @ 4:49 PM

brad_pitt_angelina_jolie_tree_of_life_photocall_premiere_cannes

Brad Pitt (seen here showing us what a Jeff Bridges ‘Miami Vice’ movie could have looked like) is in Cannes today for the premiere of ‘the Tree Of Life’, which is getting mixed reviews. Unlike his hair and beard, which will be universally mocked. I never thought I’d see this day but it’s almost to the point where I can say I’m better looking than Brad Pitt without someone saying, “oh yeah, you sure are”, and then applauding slowly and sarcastically.

(image source = getty and inf)

Angelina Jolie may have adopted another kid (update!)

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 5:48 PM

64216175

Most people have seen the tattoo that Angelina Jolie has on her shoulder listing the latitude and longitude where each of her six kids were born. For example, here she is at the Salt premier last July. The two lines at the bottom say N 43° 41′ 21″ E 07° 14′ 28″, and if you plug that in on a map you get the Lenval hospital in Nice, France, where her twins Knox and Vivienne were born in July of 2008.

It’s actually pretty cute. But obviously people are freaking out over the new pictures of her in Libya today because now the tat has seven lines. Celebuzz says…

(She) debuted a new tattoo on her left arm (pictured above) that lists the possible map coordinates of Algeria. The seven-line long tattoo includes the geographical coordinates of the birthplace locations for all of Jolie’s children. Hm, does this mean that Angie is gearing up to adopt a seventh child?

Just ignore that part about Algeria. These reports are all written by girls (this seems to be the first one) and girls don’t know shit about maps. You can’t read the second half of Jolies tat, the longitude, so all you have is the latitude. So it’s useless because we don’t know where the lines intersect. 35 degrees North could pretty much be any point along this red line. It could be Algeria, it could also be Oklahoma City or Tokyo.

This was a fascinating lesson about maps, wasn’t it. Tomorrow I’ll tell you what to do when confronted by a bear and show you how to make a compass out of a leaf.

ANTI-CLIMACTIC UPDATE – wow so it really was Oklahoma. But not for a new kid. InTouch says, “the new ink actually bears the longitude and latitude of Brad Pitt’s birthplace, Oklahoma.”

Angelina Jolie is in Libya

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 2:39 PM

64216495

I quickly wanna preface this with what Jennifer Aniston said when explaining why she spent her 41st birthday at a palatial resort in Mexico.

“(A friend) said to me, ’You come to Mexico all the time and Mexico is really hurting right now because of the swine flu and the drug trafficking and all of this sort of stuff.”
“It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico’”

Okay now this, today, from Us

Angelina Jolie traveled to the Tunisian-Libyan border, where she spoke with refugees who had recently fled the fighting in Libya.
The purpose of Jolie’s visit to the embattled region: to highlight the need for greater international support for those affected by the crisis in Libya.
The Jolie-Pitt Foundation, established by Jolie and longtime love Brad Pitt in 2006, covered the costs for a flight of 177 people to return to their countries of origin– and purchased an ambulance to help support Tunisian efforts on the border to assist the injured arriving from Libya.

Some people still hate Angelina because she “stole” Pitt from Aniston, and never consider that maybe Aniston is just an annoying cunt and he left her for someone who is better in every way. In Anistons defense, her name is so synonymous with the word “bomb” maybe she’d like to go help in the Middle East but they won’t let her on a plane.

(image source = getty)