Despite all evidence to the contrary, there are a lot of really smart and creative people trying to work in TV and movies. But those people cost money, so instead the networks doom us to live with this army of reality show retards who aren’t smart, funny, insightful or attractive. At least AnnaLynne McCord has had enough. Page Six says…
McCord refused to be photographed with “The Hills” star Stephanie Pratt at an LA party Tuesday.
Nice. Good. I need an army of Space Monkeys like the real Tyler Durden. I’d give them all smoke grenades, and they’d go out and find someone like Nick Hogan or Perez or Spencer Pratt. Then they could set one of the grenades off and beat the shit out of them in all the confusion. Then disappear before the smoke cleared. Sounds awesome, right? Does anyone know how to get a Space Monkey army? I typed “army obey vengeance utopia” followed by my zip code into google but nothing came up.
Today of course is Veterans Day in the US, where we honor the awesome killing power of the American military and the god like race of supermen who defend us. Our military is so advanced and our soldiers so superior that if our government wasn’t filled with such panicky little girls they could go to war with any country on Earth and it would be the equivalent of Zeus throwing lighting down on the trembling peasants below.
Most people in Hollywood look down on the military because they’re pussies who want you to believe problems can’t be solved by kicking the other persons ass. Rest assured that any guy who ever says that has witnessed first hand as violence solved quite a few problems, but maybe can’t see it that way because he was the problem. When someone says violence never solves anything, what they really mean is, “oh please god stop hitting me.”
Luckily AnnaLynne McCord does support the troops, and this morning in New York she hosted Cosmopolitan magazine and Maybelline’s “Kisses for the Troops”. AnnaLynne said…
“My sister was in the National Guard. I know what she went through, and what these guys go through. It’s amazing what they’re doing for our country every single day.”
I wish we had big parades today like the Russians used to where they showed off all their missiles and tanks and guns and stuff. Then other countries would know how badass we are. Unless you’re Darth Maul, an American soldier can kill you before you even have time to wonder what that splashing sound is (note: your intestines + the ground). They’ll kill you even if you are Darth Maul, but you could probably fight them off long enough to shit your pants, so I guess that’s something.
MEL GIBSON - has a new baby girl. His Russian girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva gave birth Friday afternoon. Luckily she wasn’t born one day later, on Halloween, or else like 15 different prophecies in the Torah would have come true. None of them good. (abc news)
JESSICA SIMPSON - went on Twitter to defend her sister and attack ‘Melrose Place’, who fired Ashlee last week. “catching up on MP. who writes this crap? i have had bad scripts to work with, but this? thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press.” After that she began to rub her breasts and wrote, “wow, I have really sensitive nipples.” No not really but that would have been awesome. (twitter)
THE WIRE - will now be offered as a course at Harvard. Watching the TV show. ‘The Wire’. Will be a course. At Harvard. “I do not hesitate to say that it has done more to enhance our understanding of the challenges of urban life and the problems of urban inequality, more than any other media event or scholarly publication,” sociology professor William J. Wilson said. In a related story, I announced I’ll be teaching a course entitled, “Why The Germans And Chinese Are Now Kicking Our Ass.” It’s not really a “course”, I just email people this story and then add, “WTF!!!”. (ny post)
ANNALYNNE MCCORD - went to Halloween as … bat … girl? Man? Both? Neither? I have no idea. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t wanna give away too many details, but let’s just say someone masturbated to these, if you catch my drift. (wenn)
‘90210′ star AnnaLynne McCord proved once again that she understands how being a girl works by wearing this tiny skirt with a huge hole cut out the front. This girl just knows how to be sexy. That’s why I thought it would be a good idea to make an AnnaLynne McCord sex robot. But after I got done it told me it was gay. So I made another one, who turned out to be real religious. Number 3 was married. Robots 4, 5, and 6 claimed to not speak english, while robots 8-15 all valued me as a friend too much to risk losing me after a physical relationship. And I said, “but … but you’re a sex robot.” And it rubbed the side of my arm and said, “I know. I know.”
(hq jump here)
FUN WITH TAZERS - Police in Merced, CA. used a stun gun on a man with no legs in a wheelchair. Twice. Then his pants fell down as they handcuffed him on the ground, and they left him that way in broad daylight. Then he sat in jail for 6 days, then was released for lack of evidence. Why would they do all this? Probably because the guy was an asshole. I’ve had a house cat kick my ass, don’t tell me someone in a wheelchair can’t bite and scratch and give you some disease. And of course they left him on the ground. He’s got no legs. What should they do, carry him around on their back like he’s Yoda? (ap)
KHLOE KARDASHIAN - will marry LA Laker Lamar Odom this Sunday, even though they only met last month. “It will be a very detailed and classy affair,” a source said of the wedding. Unlike the divorce next month, which will be haphazard and bullet ridden. (people)
HEATHER LOCKLEAR - has agreed to reprise her role as Amanda Woodward on the new ‘Melrose Place’. The plan is for her to make her debut on Nov. 17, around one month after the show will be canceled. (wonderwall)
BILLY JOEL - is 60, and still divorcing 27-year-old Katie Lee Joel, but yesterday he brought his new gf to the opera, and she looks even younger than Katie (picture). At what point are we gonna see the FBI confiscating this guys hard drives. (popeater)
ANNALYNNE MCCORD - wore this awesome dress to the HBO Emmy party Sunday night. She and I would be a good couple because we’re both real hot, but I dress real conservative. My sexuality is assertive without being pushy. (hq jump here. source = getty and pco)
MACUALAY CULKIN - is reportedly the biological father of Blanket, Michael Jacksons 7-year-old son. Culkin allegedly donated sperm to Michael when he was 21. Yeah I bet he did. It sounds like the cops showed up one day and Michael had to explain why there was a bowl of a young boys semen in his fridge. (source = the sun)
VICTORIA BECKHAM - went to the gym this weekend with no makeup. Still looked hot though. Natural beauties like me and Victoria don’t need makeup. (daily mail)
CURRENT SONG - ‘Show Me’ from Mint Royale with Pos from De La Soul. If this song doesn’t make you shake your ass, you’ve been dead for at least an hour. And the video features a flying Japanese kitty. Look out for those trees flying Japanese kitty! (youtube)
ANNALYNNE MCCORD - hosted at the Wet Republic pool this weekend in Vegas, but just because her swimsuit was boring and her poses were stupid is no reason to skip these pictures. Actually now that I think it that’s a perfectly good reason to skip these. Next! (10 more here. hq jump here. source = splash)
