Ariel Castro Sex-Choked Himself to Death

By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 2:10 PM

Some dudes just really dig freaky weird wrong sex a whole lot. Ariel Castro was just such a man. When he wasn’t driving his bus, he liked to lock young ladies in the rape rooms of his Cleveland house for years on end. Sort of like John Sr. on The Waltons, but without the overalls. Once in prison for 666 years, the guy didn’t take long to figure out how to tie up a bed sheet to pleasure himself during a good asphyxiation. Everybody assumed Ariel Castro hung himself in shame or self-spite or just the despair of his solitary sentence. Nope, he just wanted one last good whack. I suppose there’s something to be said for consistency.

Ariel Castro’s Family Is Pissed

By Jack September 04, 2013 @ 2:37 PM

Evil motherfucker Ariel Castro was found hanging in his cell yesterday and his family and lawyers are demanding answers. You’ll recall that Castro got the awesome sentence of life + 1000 years for the brutal rape, kidnapping, and torture of three women for ten years. I guess he didn’t like the prospect of being in jail until 3013. His lawyer, Craig Weintraub, is demanding a full investigation and says that Castro’s family is “devastated”.

“We’re going to get to the bottom of it. There’s no way we’re going to let this go. This is a human being, we are in a civilized society and we expect that the person would be protected when they’re institutionalized.”

Castro might have been confused as to how you care for your prisoners since he viciously raped and beat his own innocent prisoners for almost a decade. I’m assuming the guards on his watch detail didn’t feel the burning desire to keep him from offing himself. They probably snuck him the sheets. But who gives a fuck? Why should the taxpayers pay to keep this scumbag alive? He goes down as the worst Clevelander ever. And that’s a distinction worthy of a hanging plus a thousand years.