leave jessica alone!

By brendon January 28, 2009 @ 7:48 AM

Noted women’s rights advocate Ashlee Simpson has taken to her myspace to defend her newly fat and unattractive sister.  Ashlee says:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.
All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.
Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?
I seriously doubt it.
How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?
Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Wait, is she implying Jessica is a size 2?  You know what, I don’t even care, what I care about is Jessica getting back to how she looked as Daisy Duke.  This is ridiculous.  How could Jess do this to me?  She might as well have stepped up to my erection and put a cigarette out on it, or slammed it in a book.

umm … hm … interesting

By brendon January 09, 2009 @ 1:23 PM

Am I just seeing what I want to see, or is Ashlee Simpsons hair resting like a foot in front of her face.  How monstrously big did her tits get after having that stupid kid?  I mean, that awesome kid who I'm now a big fan of.  If those are as big as I think they might be, she needs to take off that stupid coat immediately.  Don’t be afraid to be sexy, that’s my motto.  It’s why I wear a unitard to the gym, and a scandalous thong to the beach.  In fact that's also why I only date European ladies, they’re the only ones who can handle my raw sexuality.

(picture source = pacific coast)

OF COURSE THEY GAVE IT A DUMB NAME

By brendon November 21, 2008 @ 6:02 AM

Ashlee Simpson welcomed her first child last night, a son, with husband Pete wentz, and was there any doubt these retards were given give the kid an awful embarrassing name?  People says…

Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long.
"Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!" a spokesperson tells PEOPLE.

That’s right.  "Bronx Mowgli".  As in the kid from the Jungle Book.  It might as well be, "Sexually Confused Emo Give Me My Book Bag Back", but that wouldn’t cutely shorten into "BMW".  The two names are pretty much the same thing.  I know all these idiot Hollywood parents think they need to give their kid some special identity with their name, and oh, I assure you it will work.  He’ll be the most distinctive kid face down in the mud while Mike and Jack high five each other and walk away from the kid with the faggity name.

PETE WENTZ IS GAY

By brendon July 02, 2008 @ 5:00 AM

I’ve seen that picture of Pete Wentz on the cover of Out magazine, but there’s literally nothing on earth I have less interest in than Pete Wentz on the cover of Out magazine, so I never bothered to read anything from it.  But it turns out it was sort of noteworthy because he apparently confesses to kissing guys on several different occasions.  AOL says…

In an interview with Out magazine, the Fall Out Boy bassist admitted that he was 16 or 17 when he first kissed a guy — and it was on a dare. Wentz also said he continued experimenting through age 19. His last same-sex smooch?
"A long time ago. Probably when I was 22?" said the 29-year-old Wentz, who also said he has a man-crush on fellow musician John Mayer.

Holy crap.  I thought he was gonna say he did it when he was 8 or something.  22?  I hate to be the one to break this to Ashlee Simpson, but the man you married is gay. 

ASHLEE SIMPSON IS GETTING BETTER

By brendon June 11, 2008 @ 9:17 AM

It’s not clear how long Ashlee Simpson has been pregnant (best guess is about 4 months) but she was at RenMar Studios in Hollywood yesterday in a flowing dress that hid as much as she could.  Except for her now huge rack.  Which she thankfully showed off.  It’s a solid plan.  As long as girls show their boobs people don’t really notice much else.  She could have a woodpecker on her head and I wouldn’t notice for at least an hour, if ever. 


PETE WENTZ IS AN IDIOT

By brendon May 29, 2008 @ 11:11 AM

You may find this hard to believe, because it's stupid, but the reason you’re looking at a giant bumblebee made out of legos is because that's what Pete Wentz gave Ashlee Simpson for a wedding present.  No really.  Splash News Online says…

Pete commissioned artist Nathan Sawaya to make the "Lego Bee" which measures 26ins by 47ins by 36ins and is made from about 18,000 standard Lego bricks. New York based Nathan said: "I was commissioned to create a bee. Why a bee? Because it is romantic of course. "In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow and arrows, and the bow string is made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world the bee symbolized the soul because they migrated in swarms. And the Roman god of love, Cupid, is often pictured with bees or being stung. "I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift.

I will bet you a thousand dollars that at some point Pete said, "will you BEE my wife?"  Or "Will you marry me HONEY!"  Or some other bee related pun.  Because he’s an idiot.  And idiots just live for moments like that.