ASHLEE SIMPSON: NOT PREGNANT OR ENGAGED

By brendon February 28, 2008 @ 10:35 AM

Despite wearing what appears to be a wedding or engagement ring on her finger for some time now, Ashlee Simpson told Fuse TV yesterday that she is not engaged to boyfriend Pete Wentz and is very definitely not pregnant. So what's with the ring?  Us magazine says:

…she confirmed it's a promise ring from her Fall Out Boy beau Pete Wentz.
"It just means that he hasn't asked my dad yet…" she explained on Fuse TV's The Sauce while promoting her upcoming album Bittersweet World.
Simpson also set the record straight on another issue: "No, I'm not pregnant," she declared.

So, see, there's no need to worry.  Their well deserved reputation as the worlds most boring famous couple is still in tact.  They could be out to dinner and order mashed potatoes, no, wait, french fries, yes french fries, and it would be the most intensely exciting thing they've ever done.  My heart is in my throat just thinking about it.  I think I need to walk around for a while with my hands over my head.  These two are a real roller coaster.



ASHLEE SIMPSON IS A GOOD DANCER

By brendon February 11, 2008 @ 3:39 PM

Redban shot a video Saturday night of Ashlee Simpsosn giving an impromptu concert at Ritual in Hollywood, and you may think you know how amazing it was, but you're wrong. It was way way worse. Despite assurances to the DJ that she was "ready to rock", Ashlee in fact seemed unprepared to rock, so instead she just kinda hopped back and forth like she was walking on hot sand. This is mixed in with some spastic wiggling, as if she was on a ledge and trying not to fall off. Greatest Performer of All Time? Yes. Greatest Performer of All Time.

Also, is that a wedding ring on her finger?  It's more evident in this QuickTime copy.  Whats that all about?  I would investigate further, but it turns out I don't care.



ASHLEE SIMPSON IS FUN

By brendon December 21, 2007 @ 1:23 PM

I’ll figure out a way to cloak and dagger this stuff later on but for now I'll just say I have a friend who is absolutely on the inside with this crowd and these people and she has to be careful but I could give a fuck less so here you go:

okay, so, I was hanging out the other night when Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz and some friends sit down next to us.  Ashlee got completely wasted and gave Pete a lap dance, pulling up her shirt and everything.  Then she gave another girl a lap dance and tried to kiss her.  She doesn't eat, she just takes diet pills and drinks, but she told one girl that Jennifer Love Bacon isn't fat at all and that girls should have curves!  Meanwhile, she's 5'5 and weighs about 100 lbs.  What bullshit.

I just like the idea that millionaire celebrities are emotional wrecks just like everyone else.  That they get drunk and do fake lesbian stuff because they crave the approval of boys.  I like it because these girls are easily tricked into real lesbian stuff, and by "real", I mean "drunken fumbling around followed by an awkward morning of no eye contract and stifled crying in the bathroom."  Rawr!!!  Where is she?  Time for the master to work his magic! 

ASHLEE IS MAD, DELUSIONAL

By brendon December 20, 2007 @ 1:36 PM

MSNBC says that Ashlee Simpson is pissed today because Jamie Lynn Spears stole the spotlight from her yesterday. Wait, what?

After spending the last year working on a new album, Ashlee’s debut video was set to release to big fanfare.
Unfortunately, the spotlight just wasn’t meant to be for Simpson, thanks to the news that Jamie Lynn Spears is with child.
“Ashlee can’t believe this happened. She’s so disappointed,” said a source.
“Her sister, Jessica, grew up in the shadow of Britney; it took years for Jess separate herself from her. How ironic that Ashlee’s big day ends up spent in the shadow of Britney’s little sister.”
“Joe Simpson doesn’t do anything by chance. This date (for the video release) was picked clearly; he expected it to be the talk of the town,” said the source. “Jamie Lynn didn’t just steal the spotlight; she sucked the oxygen out of the week. This week it’s all about her.”

Ashlee is living in a fantasy word if she thinks she would have been the headline if not for Jamie Lynn.  She's completely average in every way, at best.  It would be more exciting to just randomly dial your phone or turn your oven on and off than to watch anything with Ashlee Simpson in it.  Watching her is like sitting your chair in front of a plain beige wall and then just staring at it, except that Ashlee is way more boring.



RANDOM STUFF

By brendon December 14, 2007 @ 11:18 AM

BRITNEY BRITNEY BRITNEY! – not surprisingly, Kevin Federlines lawyer is annoyed that he was stood up by Britney Spears yesterday for the fourth time while trying to do a deposition. The lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, will go to court today to ask that Britney be held accountable. He won't seek contempt charges, even though he could, but will ask that Britney not receive any more special treatment or benefit of the doubt. Britney will counter by asking for both hot and mild sauce. Touche!  (that's part of her new video. It sucks.  Oh, I know, I was surprised too.)

ASHLEE SIMPSON IS POISON – The New York Daily News says, "Members of Fall Out Boy, who failed to get a Grammy nomination last week, are said to be blaming Pete Wentz's relationship with Ashlee Simpson. 'Grammy voters are fed up with Ashlee after she was caught lip-synching,’ a pal tells OK! mag. ‘Her relationship with Pete has definitely affected public opinion of the band. The guys in FOB are furious — they think everything Ashlee touches is poison, and they really want her to stop touching Pete!' "  I find it hard to believe that a source said, "and they really want her to stop touching Pete".  Unless their source was a gay cartoon character. 

BASTARDS – Variety says that four of the major late night talk show hosts, namely David Letterman, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien and Craig Ferguson, are planning to return to the air by January 7th, regardless of whether or not the Writers Guild is still on strike. 

Latenight insiders, however, believe Leno and O'Brien are most likely to return in early January, no matter what Letterman decides. NBC has to be concerned about the plunging ratings for both shows, which in recent weeks have lost nearly half their audience.
ABC's Jimmy Kimmel has actually done OK in repeats, a reflection of the show's audience growth in the past year and a sign regular Leno and Letterman viewers may be checking out the "new" guy. Getting a read on his intentions has been more difficult, though some latenight observers believe he may also be preparing to go back soon.

Remember the Stingy and Battery show on the Simpsons?  Where Krusty had to improvise his entire show and he was in an old civil defense shed and all he had was a scorpion and a leaky battery?  That's pretty much what these shows will look like with no writers.  It will just be Ellen interpreting her cats dreams for 60 minutes, occasionally interrupted by boring monotonous rambling, which will also be about cats.



ASHLEE SIMPSON IS DOING GREAT

By brendon September 18, 2007 @ 11:56 AM

Ashlee Simpson must know that Jessica is now the hot one again, because according to a devastatingly handsome source who will remain nameless, she's completely losing it these days.  The source says:

Some friends of mine work in Chalice Recording Studio in Los Angeles and Ashlee Simpson is in this week recording her new album.  Word is, she's drunk all the time, constantly breaks down about her father not loving her and shit, and had one of the runners there get weed for her.

Pete Wentzs semen must have some kind of poison in it because she looks tired and worn out and now she's losing her mind.  Except for the part about her father not loving her.  That part is real.  I heard it's because Ashlee is so fat.