Now that women have more power in Hollywood, they’re making movies for teen girls exactly like men used to make them. Every high school movie has to be about an ugly duckling who turns the tables on the popular girls and wins the guy. This is the nearly precise definition of pornography for young women. This will never happen to you, but for a few minutes you can tickle your genitals pretending it might. Just like I might grow a ponytail and deliver a pizza to a MILF who wants to pay me with sex and it’s cool because she’s been recently tested. When the lights come up, we’re both playing Candy Crush alone in the bathtub eyeing the razor. Make Mean Girls again. It wasn’t bad the first time.
Amy Poehler and Aubrey Plaza attended the Hollywood premiere of something called Afternoon Delight yesterday, and that must have had all of the hipster comedy fanboys going crazy, because these girls are like Viagra to them. To make it even better, Aubrey laid her head on Amy’s chest ever so gently, while she probably whispered something like, “Let’s perform improv while we scissor,” and a bunch of magazines named them the most important women of 2013.
Admittedly, I don’t really get the whole love affair that the Internet has with these two, but then I also still use AOL to connect to the web and I’m hoping to pass the intermediate level on Minesweeper by 2015.
Here’s Aubrey Plaza in GQ. She’s in the new movie The To-Do List playing a good looking high school girl who wants to learn how to blow dudes before she goes away to college. I remember those girls from high school. I mostly just called them the girls who forgot my name and called me ‘loser’. Or, Tammy for short.
The MTV Movie Awards that nobody watched had a “tense” moment when Parks And Recreation Star Aubrey Plaza tried to take an award from Will Ferrell. She had the name of her latest movie, The To Do List, written on her chest in what can only be described as a huge coincidence. She rushed the stage and had a brief awkward tug-of-war with Ferrell and his award before sitting back down. MTV claimed they were shocked by it all, blah, blah. It’s so cleeeeeaarrrllllyyy a lamely scripted publicity stunt. Just like Kanye West and Taylor Swift a few years ago. Still, the young’ins took to the Twitterverse or whatever to blast Plaza for her actions. Nobody has ever failed in business by presuming young teens to be morons. It’s probably in the MTV mission statement.