Audrina Patridge Was There, Now She’s Here

By Lex May 12, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Audrina Patridge Arrives At KIIS FM Wango Tango In Los Angeles
Imagine Audrina’s surprise when her handlers told her the Hundred-Acre Woods were just past the curtains only to find herself walking on stage at the KIIS FM Wango Tango show in Los Angeles. Wango Tango is French for your voice makes me cochlea bleed, as every second rate pop music sensation came out for their three song programmed set, followed by a doe-eyed Audrina bleating out ‘Piglet? Tigger?’. In a more civilized society Audrina would be hosting tea parties in a nearly decorated room in a kindly institution. But this being America, somebody has get her into color coordinated outfits and collect her appearance fees.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini

By Lex May 08, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini For The Hard Rock Riviera Maya Mexico Grand Opening
After Audrina Patridge takes her memory milk in the evenings to help her sleep, she never knows exactly where she’ll wake up in the morning. It’s a fun game that kids who got held back a couple times in kindergarten get to play throughout their lives. In this case, she came to in Maya Riviera. That’s the brand new city just south of Cancun the Mexican tourism industry invented so unlike Acapulco and Ensenada, when you Google it ‘Cartel beheadings’ won’t be your first search result. Audrina was hired by the new Hard Rock hotel there to walk around aimlessly on the beach in her bikini. Every couple hours Audrina becomes self-aware and lets out a little Roadrunner meep meep sound. Short of that, she’s the perfect sandwich board.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Audrina Patridge Looks Lost (That’s Her Secret)

By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 4:27 PM

Audrina Patridge Chesty In A Pantsuit At Coachella
Audrina Patridge is dumb as dirt. I think I can say that without being sued. I don’t really know her intellectual quotient, but I’d estimate it as being in the range of foam peanut packing. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Or to have her chest leered at when they air dropped her into Coachella and programmed her to smile and twirl her hair for three hours before returning to her LZ for pickup. She still got that Indio and Indian thing mixed up, but Audrina is always making lovable boners like that.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Audrina Patridge Confesses to Being Fake

By Lex January 07, 2014 @ 4:33 PM

Audrina Patridge Poses In A Bikini For The January 2014 Issue Of Fitness Gurls
Audrina Patridge has decided to come clean on the fact that The Hills was an entirely staged television show. Kristin Cavallari said the exact same thing a month ago, but Audrina decided against thundering up an original idea in the empty fruitbasket doctors implanted into her cranium as a child so her head would form somewhat similarly like children with brains.

I actually had to leave early for another event, we were there for about three hours and they were like, ‘You can’t leave until you and Kristin get into a fight. So I’m like, ‘Oh my God, Kristin!’ Kristin’s like, ‘Let’s do it.’ I’m like, ‘OK, c’mon.’

After enunciating such a deep thought, Audrina fell into a deep slumber for 72-hours. When she awoke, she found a set of instructions from her manager to get back into her bikini and to use her mouth only when she needs to remind the men with cameras, ‘I need a check from an American bank’.

Photo Credit: Fitness Gurls Magazine

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini In Hawaii

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 4:04 PM

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini At The Beach In Hawaii

Audrina Patridge looks kind of glum. Like she just discovered the little piggies really were just her toes. I thought we all agreed not to let her see the news or science programs. It’s okay, sweetie, go back to thinking about why that giant sucker in the candy store window never gets any smaller.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 10:34 AM

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini On The Beach With Friends In Miami
Audrina Patridge is dumber than a smokestack, but she looks pretty damn amazing in a bikini. In a just world, women like Audrina whose brains are comprised almost entirely of perfume samples might be sweeping a factory floor to pay the rent. But it’s not a just world. So Audrina gets to live her life pretty much suntanning on the beach. We do get to stare at her ass. That’s some consolation.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN