Audrina Patridge Looks Lost (That’s Her Secret)

By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 4:27 PM

Audrina Patridge Chesty In A Pantsuit At Coachella
Audrina Patridge is dumb as dirt. I think I can say that without being sued. I don’t really know her intellectual quotient, but I’d estimate it as being in the range of foam peanut packing. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Or to have her chest leered at when they air dropped her into Coachella and programmed her to smile and twirl her hair for three hours before returning to her LZ for pickup. She still got that Indio and Indian thing mixed up, but Audrina is always making lovable boners like that.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Audrina Patridge Confesses to Being Fake

By Lex January 07, 2014 @ 4:33 PM

Audrina Patridge Poses In A Bikini For The January 2014 Issue Of Fitness Gurls
Audrina Patridge has decided to come clean on the fact that The Hills was an entirely staged television show. Kristin Cavallari said the exact same thing a month ago, but Audrina decided against thundering up an original idea in the empty fruitbasket doctors implanted into her cranium as a child so her head would form somewhat similarly like children with brains.

I actually had to leave early for another event, we were there for about three hours and they were like, ‘You can’t leave until you and Kristin get into a fight. So I’m like, ‘Oh my God, Kristin!’ Kristin’s like, ‘Let’s do it.’ I’m like, ‘OK, c’mon.’

After enunciating such a deep thought, Audrina fell into a deep slumber for 72-hours. When she awoke, she found a set of instructions from her manager to get back into her bikini and to use her mouth only when she needs to remind the men with cameras, ‘I need a check from an American bank’.

Photo Credit: Fitness Gurls Magazine

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini In Hawaii

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 4:04 PM

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini At The Beach In Hawaii

Audrina Patridge looks kind of glum. Like she just discovered the little piggies really were just her toes. I thought we all agreed not to let her see the news or science programs. It’s okay, sweetie, go back to thinking about why that giant sucker in the candy store window never gets any smaller.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 10:34 AM

Audrina Patridge In A Bikini On The Beach With Friends In Miami
Audrina Patridge is dumber than a smokestack, but she looks pretty damn amazing in a bikini. In a just world, women like Audrina whose brains are comprised almost entirely of perfume samples might be sweeping a factory floor to pay the rent. But it’s not a just world. So Audrina gets to live her life pretty much suntanning on the beach. We do get to stare at her ass. That’s some consolation.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN

Audrina Patridge Has Nothing On Her Mind

By Lex May 08, 2013 @ 1:09 PM

Audrina Patridge In Tight Leggings Leaving Earth Bar In Los Angeles
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be dumb. I don’t mean like the ‘you’re an idiot!’ comments I often get. Or even my truly mediocre educational achievement level. I mean, really dumb. Like a puppy. Where people wave shiny objects and you chase them kind of dumb.

Here’s Audrina Patridge getting her daily organic smoothie.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Audrina Patridge Has One Very Important Thing Going For Her

By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 5:14 PM

Audrina Patridge In May Issue Of Stndrd Mag
Audrina Patridge has the mental processing power of bubble wrap, but she’s super good looking, which makes that first part irrelevant. Yes, attractive people always succeed and the world is unfair and blah blah blah. Suck it up, ugly people. When people pay attention to you, you’ll know it means they really like you as a person, not just a virtual fucktoy. So, there’s that.

Here’s Audrina in STNDRD magazine. They spell about as well I do.

Photo Credit: Stndrd Magazine