By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 10:17 AM
This chick seems pretty happy considering she just bound herself to Adam Levine for somewhere between a lifetime and irreconcilable differences early 2016. It’s the discomforting binds of an AT&T mobile contract with the further displeasure of Adam Levine making you sleep in the wet spot. Girls from Africa tend to be whimsical in their decisions. When you live in constant fear of viral outbreak and Oscar Pistorius being your boyfriend, you live for the now. I could see how an insufferable pretty boy pop star fits into that mindset. Once Behati gets a taste for America and realizes she won’t die from mosquito bites, she’ll take the pre-nup payout and start on older, quiet, Arizona real estate magnate husband number two.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 3:32 PM
Ten days seems like a long time to be married to Adam Levine. You’ve got to be cursing the damn environmentally sound sun oven in your designer kitchen which will only bake your head slowly on cloudless days. Women don’t like messy exits. Poison, suffocation, watching The View until your medulla oblongata melts. Now that women’s magazines can no longer speculate about the dating or the marriage, they’ve turned their attention to asking Prinsloo about making babies. Blessed to be born naturally dumb, the Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t require the services of a public relations agent to empty up her responses:
I have no expectations. Not in a bad way, but I’ve learned that you can’t plan ahead. I live day by day and see what happens. It’s vague, but I like it that way.
It’s that vagabond throw caution to the wind mentality that led Prinsloo to marry People magazine’s sexiest sex pot man alive who also happens to be worth about $50 million. That was pretty randomly day by day fortunate. I give them another ten days, unless she does get pregnant, then twenty.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Jack July 21, 2014 @ 1:14 PM
Adam Levine somehow managed to land himself a Victoria’s Secret model wife. It reminds me of a little piece of advice my grandfather gave me when I asked him why girls didn’t want to date sweet lovable guys like me, “Mijo, chicks are fucking crazy and they love assholes”.
Read all about the fucktard and his Namibian princess bride. (Dlisted)
Lea Michele may be a killer shrew, but she wears a bikini well, damn her. (Drunken Stepfather)
Selena Gomez wears one of your grandma’s doilies and still gives you a hard-on. (Huffington Post)
Casey Kasem’s mummified corpse has gone missing. (The Superficial)
Emily Ratajkowski is practically swimming out of this bikini. (The Chive)
Homunculus ‘roidhead The Rock is going to render unto us Shazam. (io9)
Former Miss Universe Olivia Culpo remains super fucking hot.(TMZ)
By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
In one of the celebrity whoring videos that Proactiv passes off as a commercial, Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine talks about how he used to be a total loser geek like the rest of us before he became a huge star. He had really bad acne in high school and that crushed his self-esteem, but then he got his hands on some magic face-cleaning jizz and suddenly he was a huge global music superstar and one of the people on The Voice. Somewhere in between, his heart was also ripped out of his chest by Anne V., so he made up for it by getting engaged to Behati Prinsloo, who he posed with in this otherwise stupid selfie of his new blond hairstyle. The point of this is that we should all make fun of Adam for being a huge douchebag, but he probably doesn’t give two shits what anyone thinks of him anymore. And if he does, he’ll wait until after he’s done finishing on Behati’s chest to let us know about it.
Photo Credits: Adam Levine’s Twitter
By Lex April 08, 2014 @ 12:44 PM
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex March 27, 2014 @ 3:17 PM
I wonder what that precise feeling is when the guy who keeps putting off your wedding’s name pops up on Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Then Guess Who I Fucked After That’ list. If you’re a lingerie model specifically in your marrying a rich guy age range, it probably feels all kinds of vulnerable. You need to nail down that paperwork because starvation diets and six hour makeup sessions to look good in panties has a lifespan about equal to an NFL running back. You’ve got four to six good years, eight max if Jesus blessed you. You turn around and you’re thirty, haven’t booked a gig in over a year and Corey Feldman left you a voicemail inviting to his launch party. Get your shit together, sister. Being the best looking chick in your Namibian collective gives you a brief window in which to work. Adam Levine royalties are forever.
Photo Credit: Vogue Spain