By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 12:35 PM
The last great hope of the Thorne family of stage girls is this redhead line reader. Her Disney bio age is seventeen which makes her a Dominican shortstop prospect age fifteen, or both about twenty-four in rotations around the sun. She made the cut this year for the Joel Silver Memorial Day house party. She had memorized the ‘play ball’ speech before arriving earning her bonus points for not wasting anybody’s time. In the practice of the Chumash Indians, Thorne beelined for the chilled salt water envelopment of the Pacific Ocean for a therapeutic cleanse. There will be plenty of cute black babies left in Africa when you turn thirty-five and the bulk of your feature work is behind you. Keep your eye on the prize. Your parents dumped their retirement savings into your tap lessons and crotchless panties. You don’t want RadarOnline stories on them living in the street like Madonna’s brother. Can you lose the freckles?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 8:55 AM
Bella Thorne, who is either seventeen or thirty-five depending on how you read her jimmied up Hawaiian birth certificate, is the latest chick to be out to dinner with the Patrick Schwarzengger. The lithesome USC undergrad is supposed to be sworn in body and bacterial stew to Miley Cyrus but he seems to be captured routinely in photos out with other women. It’s possible these two socially evolved millennials have an open relationship and understand that fucking other people is the key to happiness with one another. Some dude invented that ruse generations ago and it’s still going strong. Every time Schwarzenegger doinks a girl hotter than you, it only brings him closer to you. Have somebody produce a song for you about heartache. The truth of your situation will hit you halfway through your cover. That’s how you win an iHeart Radio Award, sweetheart.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 9:55 AM
The last and final hope for the Thorne stage family of girls is now bumping teen uglies with Brandon Lee. I thought at first the headline referred to Bruce Lee’s son who died twenty-two years ago filming The Crow. That would’ve been an angle. But it’s just Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s kid who just turned eighteen and doesn’t have much to do except golf and party and explore the bushes of this redhead who’s a Dominican baseball prospect aged 17, so about 22. Mom’s flat broke, but Tommy Lee’s worth in the neighborhood of $70 million. If this kid also inherited his dad’s wang, he’ll probably do quite well with the ladies. To be young and rich and pretty. Putting that on the iCal for next life.
Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan/Instagram
By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 11:44 AM
I don’t know why this amuses me so. This dude Photoshops images of young Hollywood chicks as godzillas coming ashore to terrorize the puny humans. I don’t know if this is a commentary on the over-emphasized power of celebrity or just a chance to imagine a four story tall vagina where Ellen summers. It’s a disturbing, yet awesome reminder that women like Patricia Arquette top out at $400,000 a week on television. Somebody fire up the Change.org petition. This world needs fixing.
Photo Credit: The Wonder Slug
By Lex February 13, 2015 @ 9:05 AM
Now that women have more power in Hollywood, they’re making movies for teen girls exactly like men used to make them. Every high school movie has to be about an ugly duckling who turns the tables on the popular girls and wins the guy. This is the nearly precise definition of pornography for young women. This will never happen to you, but for a few minutes you can tickle your genitals pretending it might. Just like I might grow a ponytail and deliver a pizza to a MILF who wants to pay me with sex and it’s cool because she’s been recently tested. When the lights come up, we’re both playing Candy Crush alone in the bathtub eyeing the razor. Make Mean Girls again. It wasn’t bad the first time.
Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet
By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 12:53 PM
It’s unclear why Bella Thorne was working the swing shit at the cupcake place at The Grove. It’s possible she breached every single one of her performance contracts when tests came back showing she was thirty-seven and a mother of four from Orlando. You could do far worse than cupcake duty after you’ve fucked over Disney. They once hired a guy in a Goofy costume to euthanize the entire family line of claimants to Winnie the Pooh IP. They don’t skimp on cleaners.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet