Bella Thorne Picks Up Shifts At Sprinkles

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

Bella Thorne Picks Up Shifts At Sprinkles Cupcakes At The Grove
It’s unclear why Bella Thorne was working the swing shit at the cupcake place at The Grove. It’s possible she breached every single one of her performance contracts when tests came back showing she was thirty-seven and a mother of four from Orlando. You could do far worse than cupcake duty after you’ve fucked over Disney. They once hired a guy in a Goofy costume to euthanize the entire family line of claimants to Winnie the Pooh IP. They don’t skimp on cleaners.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Bella Thorne Seems Wise for Her Years

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 10:15 AM

Bella Thorne In Busty Stills From Red Band Society
I’m not sure how old this chick’s stage parents say she is today, she seems ready for the classic Hollywood hazing of a visit to the Cosby bungalow and a topless role in a movie nobody sees directed by a second generation celebrity kid. If she does the Cosby rung first, she probably won’t even realize she did the second, so I’d schedule them close together. More importantly, I’m booking seats to her mall tour next summer when we pretend she’s a singer and she can flash her baby making parts accidentally on purpose without everybody without the dude from Dateline jumping out to confront us.

Photo Credit: Fox

Bella Thorne In a Thong Bikini

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Bella Thorne Wears Thong Bikini While Relaxing On The Beach In Miami
Somebody’s going to write me an angry letter and tell me this Disney chick is twelve or something. I’m pretty sure she’s thirty. Her stage parents doctored her birth certificate like an aggressive Dominican baseball scout so her skills would appear developed for her age. Imagine the look of horror on the faces of the Hollywood pedos who chased her into her Disney dressing room only to discover a furry minge. Those poor bastards.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Bella Thorne Also An Author

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Bella Thorne Booty In Tight Dress Signs Copies Of Her Book Autumn Falls NYC
Teen stars have always had book series with their names and faces on them. It’s a more recent phenomenon where we pretend these TV twits are actually penning the tween novels. Ghostwriters have been getting IP ass raped since the invention of the feather tip pen. That’s the life they choose. What’s more curious is why instead of just saying these girls love this book series and putting their Seventeen magazine mugs on the covers, they insist on crafting a mythology of these pretty faces being authors of any caliber. As a writer of dubious caliber myself, I think I’m offended.

AUTUMN FALLS is the first book in Bella Thorne’s new series! It has everything readers will love and relate to: a real girl trying to find her own inner strength and be the best she can be, with a hint of magic and mystery, and a steady stream of OMG-I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened fun.

That certainly sounds relatable and empowering and the exact formula of every single tween novel series ever. The perfect stocking stuffer for the girl in your family you want to guarantee never challenges herself in the hard sciences.

Bella Thorne is the last great hope for her stage parents dream of having at least one heavily molested daughter bank a decent paycheck in Hollywood. Her older two sisters gave it their best shot and are now seen mostly in topless photo shoots on social media. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But it’s not paying down the mortgage on the family home in Florida. Back to the Starbuck’s to pen your next book, Bella. Daddy needs more hints of magic.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Bella Thorne Has It Figured Out

By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 1:52 PM

Bella Thorne In A Leather Mini Skirt Attends The Premiere Of 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' In Westwood
I don’t know how old this Disney girl really is. Her mom says she’s sixteen. But it’s like Dominican ball players. You want to be able to tell producers in Hollywood my kid can act and sing and has developed tits and she’s only ten. Bella Thorne seems to have been around for the past ten years looking just the same. I could be thinking of her two older sisters whose Florida stage parents tried to funnel through the same system several years ago. Now they’re doing softcore porn shoots on the beach. I don’t blame people for doing what it takes to get out of Florida. I’d sell my kids souls too.

This latest sibling seems to have her shit figured out. Anybody can make faces well enough for a canned laugh Disney sitcom. But can you make old men want you. That’s how you punch your ticket. Giving up school and friends and losing your virginity to a boy you got to choose is a steep price. Fuck me leather skirts in public is nothing. Go chase your dream, sweetheart. Also, think about an independent auditor for your trust fund. Have you noticed your parents sporting new teeth of late?

Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News

Bella Thorne In A Bikini And Jacket At The Beach In Santa Monica

By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 12:46 PM

Bella Thorne In A Bikini And Jacket At The Beach In Santa Monica

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News