By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 10:15 AM
I’m not sure how old this chick’s stage parents say she is today, she seems ready for the classic Hollywood hazing of a visit to the Cosby bungalow and a topless role in a movie nobody sees directed by a second generation celebrity kid. If she does the Cosby rung first, she probably won’t even realize she did the second, so I’d schedule them close together. More importantly, I’m booking seats to her mall tour next summer when we pretend she’s a singer and she can flash her baby making parts accidentally on purpose without everybody without the dude from Dateline jumping out to confront us.
Photo Credit: Fox
By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 12:24 PM
Somebody’s going to write me an angry letter and tell me this Disney chick is twelve or something. I’m pretty sure she’s thirty. Her stage parents doctored her birth certificate like an aggressive Dominican baseball scout so her skills would appear developed for her age. Imagine the look of horror on the faces of the Hollywood pedos who chased her into her Disney dressing room only to discover a furry minge. Those poor bastards.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Teen stars have always had book series with their names and faces on them. It’s a more recent phenomenon where we pretend these TV twits are actually penning the tween novels. Ghostwriters have been getting IP ass raped since the invention of the feather tip pen. That’s the life they choose. What’s more curious is why instead of just saying these girls love this book series and putting their Seventeen magazine mugs on the covers, they insist on crafting a mythology of these pretty faces being authors of any caliber. As a writer of dubious caliber myself, I think I’m offended.
AUTUMN FALLS is the first book in Bella Thorne’s new series! It has everything readers will love and relate to: a real girl trying to find her own inner strength and be the best she can be, with a hint of magic and mystery, and a steady stream of OMG-I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened fun.
That certainly sounds relatable and empowering and the exact formula of every single tween novel series ever. The perfect stocking stuffer for the girl in your family you want to guarantee never challenges herself in the hard sciences.
Bella Thorne is the last great hope for her stage parents dream of having at least one heavily molested daughter bank a decent paycheck in Hollywood. Her older two sisters gave it their best shot and are now seen mostly in topless photo shoots on social media. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But it’s not paying down the mortgage on the family home in Florida. Back to the Starbuck’s to pen your next book, Bella. Daddy needs more hints of magic.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 1:52 PM
I don’t know how old this Disney girl really is. Her mom says she’s sixteen. But it’s like Dominican ball players. You want to be able to tell producers in Hollywood my kid can act and sing and has developed tits and she’s only ten. Bella Thorne seems to have been around for the past ten years looking just the same. I could be thinking of her two older sisters whose Florida stage parents tried to funnel through the same system several years ago. Now they’re doing softcore porn shoots on the beach. I don’t blame people for doing what it takes to get out of Florida. I’d sell my kids souls too.
This latest sibling seems to have her shit figured out. Anybody can make faces well enough for a canned laugh Disney sitcom. But can you make old men want you. That’s how you punch your ticket. Giving up school and friends and losing your virginity to a boy you got to choose is a steep price. Fuck me leather skirts in public is nothing. Go chase your dream, sweetheart. Also, think about an independent auditor for your trust fund. Have you noticed your parents sporting new teeth of late?
Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 12:46 PM
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 19, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Bella Thorne is somewhere between 12 and 32 years of age. You’d need a saliva sample to circumvent the publicist and the Disney machine secreting her birth certificate like a Dominican youth baseball scout. She’s the last best hope for the Thorne family who have run a few previous girls through the Hollywood machine only to come up with some part time amateur topless models. Bella’s got a hunky older penis proud boyfriend, a hit teen Disney TV show, and she’s lined up in about a half dozen major films, all of which translate to major lip gloss and snazzy purse merchandising bucks. More than enough dough to make her parents mock the people who warned them not to drop their kids off at the thickest blue Megan’s Law address dots they could find on the sexual offender registry map. Look who’s laughing now, you shortsighted tools who made your kids finish middle school.
Photo credit: Splash News/FameFlynet/Pacific Coast News