Just a few weeks ago there were pictures (here) of Ben Affleck on the set of ‘the Town’ (and not ‘Valentines Day’ as I said then. Someone was nice enough to send me an email about it but I’m far too stuck up to edit my mistakes) with Blake Lively, and they did anything but help the rumors that Ben was cheating on Jennifer Garner. Now comes this blind item:
Which A-lister couple’s relationship is on the rocks. Seems he is cheating with his much younger co-star and the wife is now trying to accompany the two on set as much as possible. She heard the rumors way before we did and is now hanging around to nip this thing in the bud. Not Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.
I don’t think it’s right, but if God didn’t want guys to cheat on their wives with Blake Lively, he should have thought of that before he made her rack so awesome. She’s got the firmest looking breasts I’ve ever seen. They just beg to be rubbed up and down. If Ben is innocent of all this, then I apologize. I also apologize if that was your sister I banged this weekend. She gets really clingy afterward, huh? What’s that all about?
Ben Affleck got caught trying to feel Blake Livelys luscious titties while they took a break on set of the certain-to-be-terrible ‘Valentines Day’. He’ll deny it but pictures don’t lie. Except for sonograms. Those can be faked. If you don’t look pregnant, you’re not pregnant. That’s what I tell the models. Now beat it before I call the cops.
It’s unfortunate that Jennifer Garner had to find out this way. If she’s ready to move on, there’s always a party over at my house, and I saved her a seat. It’s between my balls.
Ben Affleck is generally said to be a very nice guy, but if he could go 10 minutes without looking like a complete doofus that would be terrific. The cast and crew of his new movie took a break to play some football yesterday, and the first pass thrown to Ben sort of bonked off his face, but he quickly got the hang of things and the next pass bonked off his hands. Try as she might, the middle aged woman in a scarf and coat couldn't stop him from getting open and being struck repeatedly with a gingerly thrown football. On the final play, not even TWO women AND a disinterested fat guy could keep Ben from victory, as he raced several steps away from the quarterback and plucked the ball from the sky, and with it eternal glory.
“Good Will Hunting” came out in 97, and from then until 04 Ben Affleck was in 25 movies. Since 04, he’s been in 6. For 7 years the dude was in anything on film, even like security cam footage from bank robberies and he led the Channel 5 Trouble Shooter Team in Denver for 6 months. So it was smart to bail for a while. Now he can do ensemble stuff like this and it looks good again, as opposed to stuff like “Daredevil”. I couldn't get an erection for 12 weeks after I saw that piece of shit.
I don’t know if Jenifer Garner and Ben Affleck are stubborn or high or sarcastic or what, but they gave birth to that goblin above last year and yet still decided to have another one this year. It's not very nice to call her ugly, but let's be reasonable: she started it by being so ugly. Plus, she's not even 2. Fuck her. It's not like she and her friends are reading this. She should be glad just to be alive. That mongoloid would have been throw in a well 1000 years ago, and rightfully so, but I digress. It's time to learn the name of the new kid. Aren’t you excited, I know I am! People magazine says…
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck to the adorable celebuspawn roster. No explanation of the name has been offered, but the Baby Name Wizard defines it as "derived from the Hebrew seraphim (burning ones), a name used in the Bible for the heavenly winged angels surrounding the throne of God."
These dumb names aren’t as bad when they’re given to girls. They still sound like idiots, but if I went to grade school with a boy with one of these dumb Hollywood names, I would very definitely call him queer and then hold him down and put dead birds on his face. It's part of my tough love program.
Jennifer Garner gave birth to a little girl last night, the second child for her and husband Ben Affleck. And thank god too. I was really worried we didn’t have enough kids in this country. People magazine says:
The actress's rep says: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl." The baby was born Tuesday in Los Angeles. No other details were immediately available. Garner and Affleck, both 36, are also parents to daughter Violet, 3.
I cannot stand GD kids so if this was supposed to be heart warming it failed on every level. Do you have any idea how much of MY life is regulated because of stupid GD kids that I don’t have? From back windows I can't roll down to lighters I can't light to medicine caps I can't open to that insufferable beeping that you can hear in the next state every time a delivery truck goes backwards. No tits on TV. Why? Kids. "Let's regulate the internet and set up a rating system!" Why? Kids. There are stickers all over my new cars sun visor. Do you know why? That's right. Kids. I DON’T HAVE FUCKING KIDS, AND I'M NOT HERE TO HELP RAISE THE ONES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING KIDS PEOPLE! Do you have any idea how many taxes I pay for after school programs and school breakfast programs and juvenile facilities, all for kids I don’t fucking have, all because some other dipshit had a kid and they’re either too dumb or too poor to raise them. WHY IS THIS ON ME NOW? I DON’T WANNA PAY FOR YOUR STUPID FUCKING KIDS! YOU HAD THEM, YOU RAISE THEM! How many crimes are committed by kids under 16? I m willing to guess it's 98 percent. Who is it kicking off my side mirrors at night and fueling the meth industry? Is it old Asian men, or is it 15-year-old idiots? STOP HAVING KIDS, do whatever you can. If you’re gonna have sex and you don’t have a condom, take your gum and stick that on the end of your penis. Or better yet get a cork and shove that down there, or throw some kitty litter in her vagina before you start. Do something, anything, i don't care, I'm just sick of your GD kids.
Oh but congratulations to Ben and Jennifer. What a blessed day this is.