Ben Affleck is going to play Batman in the sequel to Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel. Let that sink in. If you need a moment to go into the bathroom and cry and cut yourself, I understand. Snyder announced at Comic-Con this year that in the next Superman movie the Man of Steel would team up with Batman. The question then became who would play Batman now that Christian Bale screamed and emoted that he doesn’t want to do it anymore. Oceans of cyber-ink were spilled by nerds in chat rooms endlessly speculating about who it could be. No one saw this coming. Sure, Affleck turned out to be a pretty decent film director but he’s also seen far and wide as a bit of a softie, pretty boy, limited skills actor. Granted, he is one of the few actors in Hollywood who still has sex with women, so there’s that if it helps you sleep at night.
Ben Affleck is the latest Hollywood self-important figure considering entering politics. Affleck has been very vocal about his political beliefs over the years, using his fame as a soap box to tell the world what he thinks about important shit. But up until now he’s just shouted from the comfort of his LA mansion or over sake bombs at Nobu. His wife Jennifer Garner hinted at the possibility that the Just for Men beard-faced actor might enter politics one day. She said,
“Right now [Ben] feels like he can do more good for people politically from outside the system. Would I be surprised if one day he did go into politics? No. But not now.”
What I’ve never understood is why Hollywood celebrities think anyone cares what they think? What makes Affleck an expert on politics? Certainly not experience. The guy dresses up and plays pretend for a living. How many new careers does this guy need? It turns out he’s a pretty decent director and he should really stick to that. Sometimes, the best contribution you can make to the world is keeping your perfectly handsome nose the fuck out of it.
JESSICA SIMPSON – is in talks with NBC for a sitcom that “would feature Simpson playing a version of herself in a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style look at her life”. And it can’t possibly fail because improv is the perfect vehicle for this quick-witted legend of comedy. (tv guide)
RUSSELL CROWE – might be dating “burlesque goddess” Dita Von Teese, who has somehow totally escaped her past as a “spread-eagle girl having sex with a popsicle goddess”. For the record, it might not be the best idea in the world for a guy with his temper to date a girl who is super super pale.(page six)
BEN AFFLECK – will have a tough time winning the Oscar for Best Picture even though his movie ‘Argo’ just won the Golden Globe for Best Picture. His best bet is for lots of old voters to think they’re voting for ‘Fargo’. (huff post)
TAYLOR SWIFT – has a crush on Bradley Cooper, so she had Jennifer Lawrence ask Bradley if he wanted to go out with her. The response: “Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor.” So then Taylor asked, “What does he mean ‘no intention‘? So he really wants to date me but thinks you can’t plan love? Oh my gaad, why do guys always have to play these games, why can’t they just be honest!” (radar)
MICHELLE KEEGAN – is an English actress in the new issue of Zoo, and she’s in a bikini but who cares about that? What I wanna know is if her eyes are the same size, and what insect does her eyebrow look like? This magazine is really out of touch.
Rotten Tomatoes has released the list of the best reviewed movies of 2012, and ‘Argo’ was number 1. Actually ‘Argo’ was number 26, but the 25 movies in front of it are all documentaries and foreign movies, and that bullshit doesn’t count. Critics just say they liked those to trick you into thinking they’re smart.
I haven’t seen any of the documentaries on the list because they’re probably depressing. Also, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn’t be at a fucking movie theater. I’ve never even heard of most of these foreign movies, and since Europe has a statue of a naked man like every 15 feet, I’m in no real hurry to research them.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner drove their $100,000 Tesla Model S to get 2 dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme in Santa Monica today, and braved the rain to do it, so I assume they were stoned off their ass. That’s the only time 24 donuts from Krispy Kreme sounds like a good idea.
Not only that, but on her way out, Garner signed a petition to murder Girl Scouts. You heard it here first: Jennifer Garner is a violent drug addict!
DC comics and Warner Bros. have been trying to get a ‘Justice League’ movie made for at least a decade, and in 2007 they even had the thing cast, but that all went to hell and now ‘The Avengers’ has made $1.46 billion for Marvel and Disney. Needless to say they’re freaking the fuck out.
Christopher Nolan already turned them down, but luckily for them Ben Affleck hasn’t, and he’s actually a really good director. Variety says…
Affleck is the only candidate who’s been sent Will Beall’s JUSTICE LEAGUE script, which the GANGSTER SQUAD scribe was hired to write last summer.
DC Comics’ answer to Marvel’s Avengers, JUSTICE LEAGUE is expected to bring together marquee characters Batman and Superman, as well as Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and The Flash.
Affleck has made it clear that he’s only interested in directing films in which he also stars so its likely that if this pairing ever came to fruition, he would don a suit of his own.
This probably means he would play Batman, because that’s the one that was easiest for me to think of just now and you haven’t had time to second guess it. So he’ll be playing Batman, or “tha Dahhk Knight” according to his Boston accent. Also everyone in the Justice League is useless compared to Superman and Batman. If I call the Super Friends for help and they send Wonder Woman, it better be because I’m having a bikini car wash.