By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 3:04 PM
I don’t care if you’re trying to shut up your 50-year younger Latina hooker so you can keep your NBA franchise or your old lady’s feisty little sister tried to kick your ass in an elevator, you can never go wrong with a big-ass blood diamond to squelch that nonsense. After Solange Knowles and her Ninja afro tried to take out Jay-Z in an elevator, it was clear that an expensive rapprochement was in order. Jay-Z must’ve recalled when Kobe accidentally ass-raped that hotel concierge in Colorado and then had to buy his wife a million dollar ring to get her to tell the press that Kobe was the sweetest kindest ass-rapist she’d ever known. So Jay-Z was reportedly spotted taking Solange into a jewelry store in Manhattan for a little browsing. Lots of guys wouldn’t put up with being girl assaulted by their sister-in-law, but Jay-Z didn’t get to where he is today by not taking the rapper road less rapper traveled. Just buy them some bling and shut them the fuck up so you can go back to work. I’d vote Jay-Z for President.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
The reason for Solange Knowles’ attempted elevator massacre of Jay Z is becoming a little bit clearer as more and more pieces are put into place and new rumors are made up to provide juicier headlines. For starters, Solange has deleted all but one photo of her and her sister, Beyonce, from her Instagram account, which means that this is a family affair and the likelihood of Jay Z’s wife taking his side over her own blood is greater than ever. Why did she leave that one photo, though? Was it a reminder of better times or does the specific photo serve as a warning that something more sinister is coming? I can almost feel the tell-all book that nobody will read being printed by the publishers right now.
At the same time, the Daily Mail claims that Solange finally blew up because Jay Z has never come through on his promise to make her a star. That’s a pretty valid scenario, but if that was really the case, then Beyonce probably would have been butchered by her old Destiny’s Child partners years ago. You remember that one girl and what’s her name, right? Those girls should be way angrier.
By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Now that the elevator surveillance footage dust has settled, everybody who doesn’t have anything more important to worry about wants to know why the hell Solange Knowles tried to beat the shit out of Jay Z at a Met Gala after party. Is it because he cheated on Beyonce with someone younger who doesn’t look like she hasn’t taken a shit in five years? Did he promise to make her a bigger star and then fail to come through when he finally realized that nobody cared about her until she attacked him? Or is it because of someone who is friends with Kim Kardashian? Yes, it’s that last one, because she is the Sun and Earth merely revolves around her. Us Weekly claims that Solange got into it with designer Rachel Roy earlier in the after party, and she might have even been yelling at an entire group of people that Rachel was a part of. Based on that rumor, it’s safe to assume that Solange was mad that nobody would pay one of their bodyguards to sink her in the East River, and then she finally remembered who her brother-in-law is. Problem solved!
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis May 12, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
It’s hard to tell what is going on in this elevator surveillance video footage and who is involved, but TMZ claims that it shows Beyonce’s sister, Solange Knowles, trying to beat the shit out of Jay Z. The scrap reportedly took place during a Met Gala after party in New York City, but it isn’t known what might have caused Solange to try to murder the father of her niece like this. It’s fun to think that she lost her shit because he kept holding his finger right next to her eye while saying, “I’m not touching you” over and over. If that was the reason, then he kind of deserved to be slapped by the insane and far less talented and successful sister of his wife.
By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 3:56 PM
As print magazines continue to circle the toilet bowl, you’re going to see them increasingly imitating Buzzfeed and other online sites that tap into the mental porn loving faculties in the brain. Lists. Rankings. Countdowns. Things that seem intriguing on their face, like a painted harlot, only to deliver little satisfaction and steal your wallet in the process. Because Time is still somewhat Time, they elevated their completely arbitrary list of influential people (wait, Jeff Bezos and Vladmir Putin are influential people? Thank you, Time magazine!) by getting other important people to write blurbs about why the important people on the list were important in the first place. It probably sounded genius in the editorial meeting. Beyonce, who made the cover because she sells about a billion times more copies than Hillary Clinton’s butchy maw, had her blurb written by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Mark Zuckerberg’s The Facebook:
“Beyonce doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one. Today she sits at the head of the boardroom table at Parkwood Entertainment. Beyoncé has sold out the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour while being a full-time mother.”
Holy mother of trite encomium. She doesn’t just take a shit, she builds a better shitter. I bet Sheryl’s status updates are fucking awful. Beyonce has a sold out music tour AND she’s a full-time mother. Of course, mathematically, you can’t actually work full time and also be a full time child caregiver away from work. Or is this the new solution to having to choose? Bending the space time continuum to do both like in some horrible Disney movie about working moms that will probably star Leslie Mann. If she means the baby often comes with the entourage and the luggage, yes. In that case, the stripper who lets the other strippers watch her baby backstage while she grinds on a pair of chubby Dockers is also a full-time mom.
If you watch House of Cards, you’l remember that premiere episode where the dude from the Washington newspaper says he’d rather the paper die with dignity than sell out to crappy pop journalism just to sell copies? Yeah, Time isn’t going that route.
Photo Credit: Beyonce.com