Beyonce Is the Most Influential Person in the World

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 3:56 PM


As print magazines continue to circle the toilet bowl, you’re going to see them increasingly imitating Buzzfeed and other online sites that tap into the mental porn loving faculties in the brain. Lists. Rankings. Countdowns. Things that seem intriguing on their face, like a painted harlot, only to deliver little satisfaction and steal your wallet in the process. Because Time is still somewhat Time, they elevated their completely arbitrary list of influential people (wait, Jeff Bezos and Vladmir Putin are influential people? Thank you, Time magazine!) by getting other important people to write blurbs about why the important people on the list were important in the first place. It probably sounded genius in the editorial meeting. Beyonce, who made the cover because she sells about a billion times more copies than Hillary Clinton’s butchy maw, had her blurb written by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Mark Zuckerberg’s The Facebook:

“Beyonce doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one. Today she sits at the head of the boardroom table at Parkwood Entertainment. Beyoncé has sold out the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour while being a full-time mother.”

Holy mother of trite encomium. She doesn’t just take a shit, she builds a better shitter. I bet Sheryl’s status updates are fucking awful. Beyonce has a sold out music tour AND she’s a full-time mother. Of course, mathematically, you can’t actually work full time and also be a full time child caregiver away from work. Or is this the new solution to having to choose? Bending the space time continuum to do both like in some horrible Disney movie about working moms that will probably star Leslie Mann. If she means the baby often comes with the entourage and the luggage, yes. In that case, the stripper who lets the other strippers watch her baby backstage while she grinds on a pair of chubby Dockers is also a full-time mom.

If you watch House of Cards, you’l remember that premiere episode where the dude from the Washington newspaper says he’d rather the paper die with dignity than sell out to crappy pop journalism just to sell copies? Yeah, Time isn’t going that route.

Photo Credit: Beyonce.com

Beyonce Topless And Covered For The April 2014 Issue Of Out Magazine

By Lex April 08, 2014 @ 1:01 PM

Beyonce Topless And Covered For The April 2014 Issue Of Out Magazine

Photo Credit: Out

Jay Z And Beyonce Are Just Normal Parents

By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Beyonce and Jay Z took a little break from the former’s European concerts for some play time in Dublin yesterday with their daughter, Blue Ivy, because they’re just normal parents who want a good life for their child. Of course, while most kids her age are hanging out in pre-school or daycare while their parents are hard at work to keep the middle class from vanishing, Blue Ivy is being pampered on private jets and staying in the fanciest hotels across the world. That’s the breaks that a kid born into the Illuminati gets these days, though, and the rest of your unimportant children are going to have to accept that when Blue eventually takes over the world and forces them all to sacrifice their blood to the one true moon devil. But at least it will be absolutely darling when she does.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Jay Z Is Getting Too Old For This Shit

By Travis March 06, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

All the virgin sacrifices and Illuminati pagan blood rituals in the world can’t change the fact that Jay Z isn’t the young man that he used to be, which is probably why he looked a little tired and grumpy last night after hanging out at the Arts Club in London. Beyonce, on the other hand, looked ready to party even as they left, which is amazing considering she had also performed earlier that night. It just goes to show that when you’re two of the wealthiest people in show business, a good night’s sleep and a full diet of stem cells and placenta milkshakes will keep you looking young and rejuvenated while the rest of us poor assholes die in the streets as they step over our diseased corpses.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Beyonce’s Music Is Getting Even Better

By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Beyonce Strips Down In The Explicit Version Of 'Partition'
People who say that a music artist shouldn’t need to get naked to sell music obviously don’t like really crappy music sung by girls who everybody just wants to see naked. Ipso facto or some shit like that. The less clothes Beyonce wears in her music videos, the better her songs. That’s just science. This new song Partition looks, I mean, sounds particularly strong. When that dude grabs her tits and then she waves her bare ass in his face, I feel like I’m in heaven with the angels singing. In fact, just turn the sound off and watch the video and you’ll have a moving music listening experience. Fuck the haters. I stand firmly behind Beyonce’s gifts. I only wish she’d make more documentaries about herself taking showers.

Beyonce Shows Off Her Butt In A Thong During Her Grammy Performance Rehearsals

By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 2:31 PM

Beyonce Shows Off Her Butt In A Thong During Her Grammy Performance Rehearsals

Photo Credit: Robin Harper/www.beyonce.com