By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 10:44 AM
If I was a hot bodied woman, I’d lock myself in a bedroom in front of a large mirror and masturbate myself until the fire department kicked down the door and put me in hand restraints. Even then I’d find a way to get my paws onto my tits and shove a seamen’s locker worth of objects up my cooch. I don’t blame Beyonce for sending out photos of herself in a bikini. It’s her version of holding up a high school diploma in a smiling family photo. Everybody should be proud of something. For the intellectually retarded, why not some T&A photos. We’re all God’s creatures.
Photo Credit: Beyonce
By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 8:38 AM
Jay Z announced his wife is pregnant again or pretending to be pregnant or they found a surrogate willing to be killed after delivering the baby if her family can be airlifted out of Borneo or some shit. This one might be real because Beyonce is making insane demands of the people she keeps around to tell her she looks great in that face mask and that her last bowel movement smelled like Hidden Valley Ranch.
Members of her entourage are being required to only talk in soft voices, keep room lights on dim, and only listen to mellow music that reminds you of having a root canal in the 90′s. Once the child is delivered by golden tongs into this world, it will be free to bump Jay Z’s “Too Many Hoes” on repeat.
The baby is a huge blessing for Beyonce. Acting like a massive cunt is usually frowned upon, but having a bun in the oven or paying another woman to do the same gives you some leeway to bitch it up and throw that plate of asparagus against the wall because they aren’t organic. Don’t feel bad for Jay Z, he gets to fuck the lady who cleans up the asparagus after Beyonce retires to her calming couch.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 12:28 PM
According to Matthew Knowles, the Jay Z and Beyonce divorce rumors of the past several months were a complete fiction ginned up to create buzz around their summer concert tour. Knowles says he used to do this shit all the time when he managed Beyonce and Destiny’s Child:
I know, because we’ve done this. From experience, there’s a tour going on. So you sometimes have to ignite that tour. It’s called a Jedi mind trick. The Jedi mind trick fools you a lot.
I can’t believe Beyonce fired her dad as manager what with his Jedi Mind tricks and highly motile sperm. I’m not surprised by celebrity publicists creating buzz by dropping hot rumors in the media trades before a tour or album release. What is more interesting is why people actually give a shit if Beyonce and Jay Z stay married and pretend to co-parent the stripper named baby Beyonce hasn’t touched since she accidentally brushed it with her elbow when writing a check to the surrogate.
When my girlfriend comes to me and says, so and so broke up, isn’t that sad. I say, yes, very very sad, because I still desire oral sex in my life. But what I’m thinking is why the fuck is it sad that two people who make each other miserable have decided to no longer be miserable. It’s sad when somebody you love dies, not when somebody who you’ve been contemplating poisoning for the last six months says, we need to talk.
Photo Credit: INF, Fame Flynet
By Jack August 25, 2014 @ 12:55 PM
Beyonce did her best at last night’s VMAs to dispel rumors that she and Jay Z both wish they were fucking somebody else at night. They were all snuggly and used their stripper named baby as a prop for their lies. Let it go, B.
Read all about Jay Z and Beyonce’s brave face. (Dlisted)
Selena Gomez forgot her bra and showed the heap of sideboob. (Popoholic)
Laura Cremaschi and her ass went to the beach. (Hollywood Tuna)
Are Ireland Baldwin And Angel Haze flicking each other’s beans? (Huffington Post)
Let’s talk about Taylor Swift’s sweet ass at the VMAs. (The Superficial)
Elsa Hosk shows off her Swedish bottom for an Italian magazine. (Drunken Stepfather)
Some genius is making a documentary about the old Nintendo Powerglove. (COED)
(Photo Via MTV)
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 2:07 PM
According to the website MediaTakeOut, which was once almost right about something in 2012, a woman named Tina Seals carried Blue Ivy in her belly for nine months and is now suing for custody. According to HollywoodLife.com, which takes completely unfounded stories and then hires experts to give quotes to make them seem legitimate, the surrogate mom might actually have some custodial rights even though she contractually bound herself to a womb-for-hire arrangement. It has to do with complicated family law in the State of New York that has yet to catch up with the multiple ways in which rich and famous people are making babies magically appear these days.
During Beyonce’s pregnancy, many conjecturing assholes such as myself contended she was faking the entire swollen belly bit and that the future stripper named baby was really being carried by a surrogate. This is an extremely common practice among high profile women who make money off their figures. Beyonce skipped all those trendy naked pregnancy photos and when it came time for the birth, the couple rented out the entire floor of the hospital so the baby could be born in extreme privacy. It was all very suspicious. Leading to opportunistic crazies like Tina Seals to now come out of the woodworks. Since the baby presumably carries no DNA link to the surrogate mom, I’m not sure how you prove your carried Blue Ivy in your womb. Maybe it still smells of Shalimar and gold. None of this is true. But it’s fun to imagine annoying things happening to super annoying people.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 10:04 AM
Jay Z’s in a fucking pickle. It’s bad when even the chicks you’re not boning outside your marriage are performing songs about how you wanted to bone them. Some self-described rapper chick named Liv made a music video in her apartment by the freeway where she plays Outkast’s Sorry Ms. Jackson and changes the lyrics to Sorry Mrs. Carter. Then she says a whole bunch of stuff about Jay Z being a cheating pimp, how he wanted to doink her in the privates, but didn’t, and how Beyonce ought to have known better than to marry him. She also mentions Monica Lewinsky just to be topical. It’s sort of like a Lifetime movie reinterpreted by a learning challenged twelve year old who figured out how to turn on GarageBand.
The premise that celebrity marriages are supposed to last is a straw-man set up by the media so they can pretend it’s real news when they fall apart. On their wedding night, I’m certain Jay Z knew Beyonce was a self-satisfied high maintenance chick who didn’t need the headache of a cheating husband and Jay Z knew he was the cheating husband. So you plan. One year to pretend you’re in love. One year to produce a fake baby with a stripper name. One year for the lawyers to get involved. This shit is pro forma. There’s no need for horrible fucking music videos. Just an OK! Magazine special with shocking new details about how it all went wrong.