Beyonce Sucks At Rap

By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

Beyonce

Beyonce acknowledged the elevator brawl involving Jay Z and her sister on a horrendous new auto-tuned track. The remix to Flawless features Beyonce boasting about herself to a degree professional wrestlers would find embarrassing. With non ironic peacocking Beyonce proclaims:

“And you can say what you want, I’m the shit, what you want I’m the shit, I’m the shit, I’m the shit, I’m the shit.”

Its weird that an adult woman would be able to call herself ‘The Shit’ with a straight face, but at least it’s subjective. Later Beyonce just starts layering in a psychotic quest for self acceptance:

“I wake up looking this good, and I wouldn’t change it if I could.”

Unless Beyonce sleeps in the spray tan booth that coats her face and body this claim is definitely bullshit. In reality she looks like Beetlejuice when rising from her hyperbaric chamber and has a triage fix her eyebrows, lashes, hair extensions and fake lips. The elevator brawl still goes mostly unexplained.

“Of course sometimes shit goes down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”

Being well off does not explain acting like you just blew little sisters cosmetology school money in Laughlin. I’ve not heard of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett throwing down in the lift. Beyonce’s attempt to reconcile reality falls pretty short, as does the song, but its good to know she is doing well. Nicki Minaj enters at some point to ground the rap ballad in something relatable to chicks with enormously inflated tits and ass who speak entirely through auto-tuned swearing. Mostly I’m just staring plaintively skyward and praying for Good Taste Jesus to make the bad music to go away.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Beyonce And Jay Z Probably Splitting And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 22, 2014 @ 1:30 PM

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America’s second most annoying couple, Jay Z and Beyonce, are rumored to be splitting up. The reason seems to be that Jay Z likes to stick his dick in other women while Beyonce’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need that shit.

Read all about the trouble in d-bag paradise. (Huffington Post)

Apparently there is a Miami bikini fashion week and it’s all bikini models (Drunken Stepfather)

Taylor Swift wants you to finish on her legs, that’s implied. (Hollywood Tuna)

Miley Cyrus takes a topless selfie in the desert because why the fuck not? (Popoholic)

Jonah Hill came to officiate Adam Levine’s wedding; he stayed for cake. (Fish Wrapper)

Alexandria Morgan running in a sports bra in slow motion? Yes please! (COED)

Conor Oberst decided to not sue the woman who falsely accused him of rape. What a guy. (Dlisted)

Beyonce, That’s Actually Pretty Impressive (VIDEO)

By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 3:53 PM







You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don’t fucking need em
Take em out the hood, keep em looking good
But I don’t fucking feed em
First time they fuss I’m breezing
Talking bout, what’s the reasons
I’m a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch

Truer words have never been spoken. Jay Z and Beyonce are working out their marital problems to the tune of half a million a night this summer. Let’s get divorced, but not until we are flush. Then I”ll revenge kick your sister’s ass and we go our separate ways. That’s a fucking plan. I like the fact that Beyonce can really sing and does really have a nice ass. It’s like finding a supermodel who understands how to play tic-tac-toe to a draw every time. Marry that woman. Then let the rest of watch her shake her sweet jolly on a scaffold.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Jay Z Blings Off Beyonce’s Little Sister

By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 3:04 PM

Jay Z And Beyonce Courtside At Miami Heat v Brooklyn Nets For The 2014 NBA Playoffs
I don’t care if you’re trying to shut up your 50-year younger Latina hooker so you can keep your NBA franchise or your old lady’s feisty little sister tried to kick your ass in an elevator, you can never go wrong with a big-ass blood diamond to squelch that nonsense. After Solange Knowles and her Ninja afro tried to take out Jay-Z in an elevator, it was clear that an expensive rapprochement was in order. Jay-Z must’ve recalled when Kobe accidentally ass-raped that hotel concierge in Colorado and then had to buy his wife a million dollar ring to get her to tell the press that Kobe was the sweetest kindest ass-rapist she’d ever known. So Jay-Z was reportedly spotted taking Solange into a jewelry store in Manhattan for a little browsing. Lots of guys wouldn’t put up with being girl assaulted by their sister-in-law, but Jay-Z didn’t get to where he is today by not taking the rapper road less rapper traveled. Just buy them some bling and shut them the fuck up so you can go back to work. I’d vote Jay-Z for President.

Photo Credit: Getty

Solange Is An Adult And Deleted Beyonce From Her Instagram Photos

By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Solange is a bitter twat

The reason for Solange Knowles’ attempted elevator massacre of Jay Z is becoming a little bit clearer as more and more pieces are put into place and new rumors are made up to provide juicier headlines. For starters, Solange has deleted all but one photo of her and her sister, Beyonce, from her Instagram account, which means that this is a family affair and the likelihood of Jay Z’s wife taking his side over her own blood is greater than ever. Why did she leave that one photo, though? Was it a reminder of better times or does the specific photo serve as a warning that something more sinister is coming? I can almost feel the tell-all book that nobody will read being printed by the publishers right now.

At the same time, the Daily Mail claims that Solange finally blew up because Jay Z has never come through on his promise to make her a star. That’s a pretty valid scenario, but if that was really the case, then Beyonce probably would have been butchered by her old Destiny’s Child partners years ago. You remember that one girl and what’s her name, right? Those girls should be way angrier.

Solange Knowles Was Fighting Everyone At The Met Gala

By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Solange Knowles looks so mean and angry

Now that the elevator surveillance footage dust has settled, everybody who doesn’t have anything more important to worry about wants to know why the hell Solange Knowles tried to beat the shit out of Jay Z at a Met Gala after party. Is it because he cheated on Beyonce with someone younger who doesn’t look like she hasn’t taken a shit in five years? Did he promise to make her a bigger star and then fail to come through when he finally realized that nobody cared about her until she attacked him? Or is it because of someone who is friends with Kim Kardashian? Yes, it’s that last one, because she is the Sun and Earth merely revolves around her. Us Weekly claims that Solange got into it with designer Rachel Roy earlier in the after party, and she might have even been yelling at an entire group of people that Rachel was a part of. Based on that rumor, it’s safe to assume that Solange was mad that nobody would pay one of their bodyguards to sink her in the East River, and then she finally remembered who her brother-in-law is. Problem solved!

Photo Credits: Getty