Beyonce Samples Space Shuttle Challenger Audio For Shitty New Song

By Jack December 31, 2013 @ 3:27 PM

Beyonce is in deep shit for sampling audio from the Challenger explosion for her new song XO. Jay Z’s baby mama thought it would be a good idea to revisit a national tragedy and take a clip from the NASA transcripts right before the shuttle blew up in 1986. A voice is heard saying, “Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the situation. Obviously a major malfunction”. What the fuck that has to do with the song is beyond me. Not surprisingly the families of the people who died on the shuttle think that Beyonce using the sample was in poor taste. This is especially surprising since, like me, Beyonce is from Houston. You do not fucking make light of the Challenger disaster in Houston. It’s like going to a Philly sports bar to talk shit about the Eagles. I once saw a guy get his ass beat for making the following joke: “What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts”.

I know Beyonce thinks she can do whatever she wants since she has so much dough that she literally shoves gold in her pussy, but some things are best left alone. Of course, she’s not so book smart, but she’s no marketing idiot. She knew this would cause controversy which in turn leads to more album sales. Next she’ll be sampling video of the Rwandan genocide for her music videos about falling in love with the wrong man. She writes the songs that make the whole world think.

Jay Z And Beyonce Spend Six-Large On Sex Toys

By Jack December 30, 2013 @ 2:02 PM

Jay Z and Beyonce celebrated the release of her new album by dropping $6,000 on dildos and buttplugs at a New York sex shop. It all went down at a chic Lower East Side rubber cock emporium called Babeland. The two apparently went in there and stocked up on vibrating eggs and nipple clamps for the vegan romantic interest in your life. Still, six grand seems like a might tough tally at a sex toy shop. I went to Babeland once, (for um…a friend), and though it’s a little pricier than normal it’s not THAT expensive. What, did they buy a bunch of golden dildos? A source says,

“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme. It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”

Okay, so they did. I guess when you’re successful enough, you just start shoving precious metals up your ying-yang because depositing cash in the bank is no longer thrill enough. At some point an E.R. doctor will be asked to remove the Hope Diamond wedged into Beyonce’s chunnel. Maybe that’s when you start asking for help.

Beyoncé Is Very Good At Releasing Albums

By Travis December 23, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Now that she’s stunned the universe by being the first person to ever unexpectedly release a new album on the Internet (at least according to the response she’s received), Beyoncé held a meet and greet with some fans in New York City yesterday to really drive home what a woman of the people she is. Beyoncé is so committed to her fans that she looked absolutely genuine as she made them all stand behind a barricade so she could awkwardly pose and stick her ass out ever so slightly. She truly is a woman of the people who totally won’t have her bodyguards cave your face in with a cinder block if you try speaking to her.

Photo Credits: Michael Carpenter/WENN.com

Beyonce Is Good At Selling

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 3:21 PM

Beyonce Plays On The Beach In A Bikini For Her Music Video 'Drunk In Love'
Beyonce is good at many things. By many, I mean three. Looking good, walking in heels, and making money. There are any number of professions where a woman could translate those talents into success. Hooking, the retail banking industry, and popular music come to mind. Beyonce chose to skip retail banking.

Here’s Beyonce visually interpreting one of her many new tracks that all sounds the same, Drunk in Love. I think we can all relate to being overwhelmed with passion while showing off our nipples in wet swimsuits. Beyonce taps into the universal experience, that’s why her garter gets all the big bills.

Beyonce Causes Collective Hollywood Orgasm

By Lex December 13, 2013 @ 2:03 PM

Beyonce Arrives At The Vigil For Trayvon Martin Held In New York

Beyonce might be a painfully self-involved diva with a daughter who’s still stowed in an animal crate four airports ago, but she’s also a fucking genius. Not Beyonce per se, not so good with the letters and numbers, but her business people, pretty brilliant. Dropping a full album onto iTunes last night without any pre-promotion or notice is just a billion dollars worth of savvy. Somehow, within sixty seconds of release, every young pop culture excitable girl in Hollywood, from Demi Lovato to Perez Hilton were creaming their boy shorts over Beyonce’s coup. I guess they all keep hitting refresh around midnight on iTunes on the off chance new music pops up.

That seems like a real enough Tweet from a teenaged girl. It’s certainly true that with more than a dozen new songs by the exact same guys who write and produce all the others songs for every other pop artist, we’re looking at a seismic shift in music. Sort of like Chloe Grace Moretz just reinvented the horror genre with Carrie.

Photo Credit: Beyonce

Beyonce Posts Bikini Vacation Photos To Her Tumblr

By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 1:16 PM

Beyonce Posts Bikini Vacation Photos To Her Tumblr In Jamaica
Mrs. Carter joined her husband in his 22-day vegan challenge when her staff alerted her to the fact that there’d not been a fresh news story on her in almost forty-eight hours. They were going to go with a cute mommy and me beach time story during her Jamaica tour stop, but when they arrived in Kingston, Beyonce’s handlers had to embarrassingly admit nobody could remember where the hell they had left Blue Ivy. So they switched to Pan B about the vegan nonsense. The search engine Bing recently named Beyonce as the most searched celebrity term in 2013, close in numbers to the most searched term overall which was ‘What the fuck is Bing?’

Photo Credit: Beyonce/Tumblr