By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 2:07 PM
According to the website MediaTakeOut, which was once almost right about something in 2012, a woman named Tina Seals carried Blue Ivy in her belly for nine months and is now suing for custody. According to HollywoodLife.com, which takes completely unfounded stories and then hires experts to give quotes to make them seem legitimate, the surrogate mom might actually have some custodial rights even though she contractually bound herself to a womb-for-hire arrangement. It has to do with complicated family law in the State of New York that has yet to catch up with the multiple ways in which rich and famous people are making babies magically appear these days.
During Beyonce’s pregnancy, many conjecturing assholes such as myself contended she was faking the entire swollen belly bit and that the future stripper named baby was really being carried by a surrogate. This is an extremely common practice among high profile women who make money off their figures. Beyonce skipped all those trendy naked pregnancy photos and when it came time for the birth, the couple rented out the entire floor of the hospital so the baby could be born in extreme privacy. It was all very suspicious. Leading to opportunistic crazies like Tina Seals to now come out of the woodworks. Since the baby presumably carries no DNA link to the surrogate mom, I’m not sure how you prove your carried Blue Ivy in your womb. Maybe it still smells of Shalimar and gold. None of this is true. But it’s fun to imagine annoying things happening to super annoying people.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 10:04 AM
Jay Z’s in a fucking pickle. It’s bad when even the chicks you’re not boning outside your marriage are performing songs about how you wanted to bone them. Some self-described rapper chick named Liv made a music video in her apartment by the freeway where she plays Outkast’s Sorry Ms. Jackson and changes the lyrics to Sorry Mrs. Carter. Then she says a whole bunch of stuff about Jay Z being a cheating pimp, how he wanted to doink her in the privates, but didn’t, and how Beyonce ought to have known better than to marry him. She also mentions Monica Lewinsky just to be topical. It’s sort of like a Lifetime movie reinterpreted by a learning challenged twelve year old who figured out how to turn on GarageBand.
The premise that celebrity marriages are supposed to last is a straw-man set up by the media so they can pretend it’s real news when they fall apart. On their wedding night, I’m certain Jay Z knew Beyonce was a self-satisfied high maintenance chick who didn’t need the headache of a cheating husband and Jay Z knew he was the cheating husband. So you plan. One year to pretend you’re in love. One year to produce a fake baby with a stripper name. One year for the lawyers to get involved. This shit is pro forma. There’s no need for horrible fucking music videos. Just an OK! Magazine special with shocking new details about how it all went wrong.
By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Beyonce acknowledged the elevator brawl involving Jay Z and her sister on a horrendous new auto-tuned track. The remix to Flawless features Beyonce boasting about herself to a degree professional wrestlers would find embarrassing. With non ironic peacocking Beyonce proclaims:
“And you can say what you want, I’m the shit, what you want I’m the shit, I’m the shit, I’m the shit, I’m the shit.”
Its weird that an adult woman would be able to call herself ‘The Shit’ with a straight face, but at least it’s subjective. Later Beyonce just starts layering in a psychotic quest for self acceptance:
“I wake up looking this good, and I wouldn’t change it if I could.”
Unless Beyonce sleeps in the spray tan booth that coats her face and body this claim is definitely bullshit. In reality she looks like Beetlejuice when rising from her hyperbaric chamber and has a triage fix her eyebrows, lashes, hair extensions and fake lips. The elevator brawl still goes mostly unexplained.
“Of course sometimes shit goes down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”
Being well off does not explain acting like you just blew little sisters cosmetology school money in Laughlin. I’ve not heard of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett throwing down in the lift. Beyonce’s attempt to reconcile reality falls pretty short, as does the song, but its good to know she is doing well. Nicki Minaj enters at some point to ground the rap ballad in something relatable to chicks with enormously inflated tits and ass who speak entirely through auto-tuned swearing. Mostly I’m just staring plaintively skyward and praying for Good Taste Jesus to make the bad music to go away.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack July 22, 2014 @ 1:30 PM
America’s second most annoying couple, Jay Z and Beyonce, are rumored to be splitting up. The reason seems to be that Jay Z likes to stick his dick in other women while Beyonce’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need that shit.
Read all about the trouble in d-bag paradise. (Huffington Post)
Apparently there is a Miami bikini fashion week and it’s all bikini models (Drunken Stepfather)
Taylor Swift wants you to finish on her legs, that’s implied. (Hollywood Tuna)
Miley Cyrus takes a topless selfie in the desert because why the fuck not? (Popoholic)
Jonah Hill came to officiate Adam Levine’s wedding; he stayed for cake. (Fish Wrapper)
Alexandria Morgan running in a sports bra in slow motion? Yes please! (COED)
Conor Oberst decided to not sue the woman who falsely accused him of rape. What a guy. (Dlisted)
By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 3:53 PM
You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don’t fucking need em
Take em out the hood, keep em looking good
But I don’t fucking feed em
First time they fuss I’m breezing
Talking bout, what’s the reasons
I’m a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Truer words have never been spoken. Jay Z and Beyonce are working out their marital problems to the tune of half a million a night this summer. Let’s get divorced, but not until we are flush. Then I”ll revenge kick your sister’s ass and we go our separate ways. That’s a fucking plan. I like the fact that Beyonce can really sing and does really have a nice ass. It’s like finding a supermodel who understands how to play tic-tac-toe to a draw every time. Marry that woman. Then let the rest of watch her shake her sweet jolly on a scaffold.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 3:04 PM
I don’t care if you’re trying to shut up your 50-year younger Latina hooker so you can keep your NBA franchise or your old lady’s feisty little sister tried to kick your ass in an elevator, you can never go wrong with a big-ass blood diamond to squelch that nonsense. After Solange Knowles and her Ninja afro tried to take out Jay-Z in an elevator, it was clear that an expensive rapprochement was in order. Jay-Z must’ve recalled when Kobe accidentally ass-raped that hotel concierge in Colorado and then had to buy his wife a million dollar ring to get her to tell the press that Kobe was the sweetest kindest ass-rapist she’d ever known. So Jay-Z was reportedly spotted taking Solange into a jewelry store in Manhattan for a little browsing. Lots of guys wouldn’t put up with being girl assaulted by their sister-in-law, but Jay-Z didn’t get to where he is today by not taking the rapper road less rapper traveled. Just buy them some bling and shut them the fuck up so you can go back to work. I’d vote Jay-Z for President.
Photo Credit: Getty