Beyonce’s Music Is Getting Even Better

By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Beyonce Strips Down In The Explicit Version Of 'Partition'
People who say that a music artist shouldn’t need to get naked to sell music obviously don’t like really crappy music sung by girls who everybody just wants to see naked. Ipso facto or some shit like that. The less clothes Beyonce wears in her music videos, the better her songs. That’s just science. This new song Partition looks, I mean, sounds particularly strong. When that dude grabs her tits and then she waves her bare ass in his face, I feel like I’m in heaven with the angels singing. In fact, just turn the sound off and watch the video and you’ll have a moving music listening experience. Fuck the haters. I stand firmly behind Beyonce’s gifts. I only wish she’d make more documentaries about herself taking showers.

Beyonce Shows Off Her Butt In A Thong During Her Grammy Performance Rehearsals

By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 2:31 PM

Beyonce Shows Off Her Butt In A Thong During Her Grammy Performance Rehearsals

Photo Credit: Robin Harper/www.beyonce.com

Beyonce Samples Space Shuttle Challenger Audio For Shitty New Song

By Jack December 31, 2013 @ 3:27 PM

Beyonce is in deep shit for sampling audio from the Challenger explosion for her new song XO. Jay Z’s baby mama thought it would be a good idea to revisit a national tragedy and take a clip from the NASA transcripts right before the shuttle blew up in 1986. A voice is heard saying, “Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the situation. Obviously a major malfunction”. What the fuck that has to do with the song is beyond me. Not surprisingly the families of the people who died on the shuttle think that Beyonce using the sample was in poor taste. This is especially surprising since, like me, Beyonce is from Houston. You do not fucking make light of the Challenger disaster in Houston. It’s like going to a Philly sports bar to talk shit about the Eagles. I once saw a guy get his ass beat for making the following joke: “What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts”.

I know Beyonce thinks she can do whatever she wants since she has so much dough that she literally shoves gold in her pussy, but some things are best left alone. Of course, she’s not so book smart, but she’s no marketing idiot. She knew this would cause controversy which in turn leads to more album sales. Next she’ll be sampling video of the Rwandan genocide for her music videos about falling in love with the wrong man. She writes the songs that make the whole world think.

Jay Z And Beyonce Spend Six-Large On Sex Toys

By Jack December 30, 2013 @ 2:02 PM

Jay Z and Beyonce celebrated the release of her new album by dropping $6,000 on dildos and buttplugs at a New York sex shop. It all went down at a chic Lower East Side rubber cock emporium called Babeland. The two apparently went in there and stocked up on vibrating eggs and nipple clamps for the vegan romantic interest in your life. Still, six grand seems like a might tough tally at a sex toy shop. I went to Babeland once, (for um…a friend), and though it’s a little pricier than normal it’s not THAT expensive. What, did they buy a bunch of golden dildos? A source says,

“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme. It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”

Okay, so they did. I guess when you’re successful enough, you just start shoving precious metals up your ying-yang because depositing cash in the bank is no longer thrill enough. At some point an E.R. doctor will be asked to remove the Hope Diamond wedged into Beyonce’s chunnel. Maybe that’s when you start asking for help.

Beyoncé Is Very Good At Releasing Albums

By Travis December 23, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Now that she’s stunned the universe by being the first person to ever unexpectedly release a new album on the Internet (at least according to the response she’s received), Beyoncé held a meet and greet with some fans in New York City yesterday to really drive home what a woman of the people she is. Beyoncé is so committed to her fans that she looked absolutely genuine as she made them all stand behind a barricade so she could awkwardly pose and stick her ass out ever so slightly. She truly is a woman of the people who totally won’t have her bodyguards cave your face in with a cinder block if you try speaking to her.

Photo Credits: Michael Carpenter/WENN.com

Beyonce Is Good At Selling

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 3:21 PM

Beyonce Plays On The Beach In A Bikini For Her Music Video 'Drunk In Love'
Beyonce is good at many things. By many, I mean three. Looking good, walking in heels, and making money. There are any number of professions where a woman could translate those talents into success. Hooking, the retail banking industry, and popular music come to mind. Beyonce chose to skip retail banking.

Here’s Beyonce visually interpreting one of her many new tracks that all sounds the same, Drunk in Love. I think we can all relate to being overwhelmed with passion while showing off our nipples in wet swimsuits. Beyonce taps into the universal experience, that’s why her garter gets all the big bills.