By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Now that the elevator surveillance footage dust has settled, everybody who doesn’t have anything more important to worry about wants to know why the hell Solange Knowles tried to beat the shit out of Jay Z at a Met Gala after party. Is it because he cheated on Beyonce with someone younger who doesn’t look like she hasn’t taken a shit in five years? Did he promise to make her a bigger star and then fail to come through when he finally realized that nobody cared about her until she attacked him? Or is it because of someone who is friends with Kim Kardashian? Yes, it’s that last one, because she is the Sun and Earth merely revolves around her. Us Weekly claims that Solange got into it with designer Rachel Roy earlier in the after party, and she might have even been yelling at an entire group of people that Rachel was a part of. Based on that rumor, it’s safe to assume that Solange was mad that nobody would pay one of their bodyguards to sink her in the East River, and then she finally remembered who her brother-in-law is. Problem solved!
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis May 12, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
It’s hard to tell what is going on in this elevator surveillance video footage and who is involved, but TMZ claims that it shows Beyonce’s sister, Solange Knowles, trying to beat the shit out of Jay Z. The scrap reportedly took place during a Met Gala after party in New York City, but it isn’t known what might have caused Solange to try to murder the father of her niece like this. It’s fun to think that she lost her shit because he kept holding his finger right next to her eye while saying, “I’m not touching you” over and over. If that was the reason, then he kind of deserved to be slapped by the insane and far less talented and successful sister of his wife.
By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 3:56 PM
As print magazines continue to circle the toilet bowl, you’re going to see them increasingly imitating Buzzfeed and other online sites that tap into the mental porn loving faculties in the brain. Lists. Rankings. Countdowns. Things that seem intriguing on their face, like a painted harlot, only to deliver little satisfaction and steal your wallet in the process. Because Time is still somewhat Time, they elevated their completely arbitrary list of influential people (wait, Jeff Bezos and Vladmir Putin are influential people? Thank you, Time magazine!) by getting other important people to write blurbs about why the important people on the list were important in the first place. It probably sounded genius in the editorial meeting. Beyonce, who made the cover because she sells about a billion times more copies than Hillary Clinton’s butchy maw, had her blurb written by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Mark Zuckerberg’s The Facebook:
“Beyonce doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one. Today she sits at the head of the boardroom table at Parkwood Entertainment. Beyoncé has sold out the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour while being a full-time mother.”
Holy mother of trite encomium. She doesn’t just take a shit, she builds a better shitter. I bet Sheryl’s status updates are fucking awful. Beyonce has a sold out music tour AND she’s a full-time mother. Of course, mathematically, you can’t actually work full time and also be a full time child caregiver away from work. Or is this the new solution to having to choose? Bending the space time continuum to do both like in some horrible Disney movie about working moms that will probably star Leslie Mann. If she means the baby often comes with the entourage and the luggage, yes. In that case, the stripper who lets the other strippers watch her baby backstage while she grinds on a pair of chubby Dockers is also a full-time mom.
If you watch House of Cards, you’l remember that premiere episode where the dude from the Washington newspaper says he’d rather the paper die with dignity than sell out to crappy pop journalism just to sell copies? Yeah, Time isn’t going that route.
Photo Credit: Beyonce.com
By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Beyonce and Jay Z took a little break from the former’s European concerts for some play time in Dublin yesterday with their daughter, Blue Ivy, because they’re just normal parents who want a good life for their child. Of course, while most kids her age are hanging out in pre-school or daycare while their parents are hard at work to keep the middle class from vanishing, Blue Ivy is being pampered on private jets and staying in the fanciest hotels across the world. That’s the breaks that a kid born into the Illuminati gets these days, though, and the rest of your unimportant children are going to have to accept that when Blue eventually takes over the world and forces them all to sacrifice their blood to the one true moon devil. But at least it will be absolutely darling when she does.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis March 06, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
All the virgin sacrifices and Illuminati pagan blood rituals in the world can’t change the fact that Jay Z isn’t the young man that he used to be, which is probably why he looked a little tired and grumpy last night after hanging out at the Arts Club in London. Beyonce, on the other hand, looked ready to party even as they left, which is amazing considering she had also performed earlier that night. It just goes to show that when you’re two of the wealthiest people in show business, a good night’s sleep and a full diet of stem cells and placenta milkshakes will keep you looking young and rejuvenated while the rest of us poor assholes die in the streets as they step over our diseased corpses.
Photo Credits: WENN.com