Beyonce Is the Shit and She Knows It

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 3:29 PM

Beyonce Bikini Photoshoot For H&M
I’m still reveling in the pure love I felt after watching Beyonce’s HBO documentary, You’re God Damned Right I’m the Shit, a brutally honest look back at the rise of Beyonce, minus all the controversial, negative, or unpleasant elements. It was about as even keeled as a candidate profile film at a political convention. At one point in the doc, Jesus descends from heaven and begs Beyonce to never give up on her dreams, or neglect her hair weaves. Still, she is pretty damn hot. So while Jay-Z and Justin are off this summer in their tuxedos, I might just have to pay a visit to the neglected housewife. I’ve got about as much chance as Jesus.

Here’s Beyonce in her summer bikini shoot for retailers H&M…

Photo Credit: H&M

Jay-Z Can Get Presidents Impeached?

By Jack April 12, 2013 @ 9:25 AM

The most powerful Black man in America, Jay-Z, not only doesn’t care that Cubans in Miami are pissed at him for going to Cuba but he also is flippant about getting his buddy Barack Obama into trouble. Last week Mr. Beyonce and Beyonce got into some Cuban Missile Crisis level shitstorm when they visited the island nation that is off limits to most Americans. Jay-Z rapped in a new song about the controversy:

Politicians never did s**t for me … except lie to me, distort history.
Obama said chill ‘You gonna get me impeached.
We don’t need this s**t anyway chill with me on the beach.

Wow, a real Robert Frost. Jay-Z’s obvious implication being that the president helped him get his ass onto Cuba.

Here’s a little secret: it’s easy as fuck to get onto Cuba. You can just hit Mexico or some other middle country airport and use cash to buy a ticket to Cuba. Almost nobody gets caught doing this because nobody outside of Washington D.C. and Miami gives a rat’s ass if you want to go to Cuba to get cheap hookers and booze. But the Beyonces are parents now and wanted to do everything legal-like, so they called up Obama and called in a favor for mugging at so many of his fundraisers over the years. And who should really care? As a Cuban-American I was born and bred to hate those Castro mutherfuckers and I hope they smoke a turd in hell for all eternity. Still, isn’t it time to just say fuck it and let Southwest Airlines get you down to Havana by way of Kansas City  and Midway with an equipment change in Charlotte?

People Are Pissed At Jay-Z And Beyonce For Going To Cuba

By Travis April 08, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Jay-Z and Beyoncé spent last week in Cuba, celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary with some family members and close friends, and because they’re Jay-Z and Beyoncé people went absolutely apeshit wherever they went. And now, because Cuba is a place governed by a horrible old piece of shit, American politicians and anti-Castro Cubans in South Florida are calling for music’s royal couple to be torn to pieces by starved lions.

Florida Republicans Ileana Ros-Lehtinen and Mario Diaz-Balart (whose aunt was Fidel Castro’s first wife) wrote a letter to the Treasury Department asking why the hell two American celebrities were allowed to spend their American money in Cuba while that embargo deal is still alive and well.

The letter points out that “tourist activities” are covered by the ban and complains that the trip was used by the Castro regime for propaganda purposes.

“The restrictions on tourism travel are common-sense measures meant to prevent US dollars from supporting a murderous regime that opposes US security interests at every turn and which ruthlessly suppresses the most basic liberties of speech, assembly and belief,” the politicians write. (The Guardian)

This is going to be really interesting, because South Florida’s Cuban community doesn’t take this kind of stuff lightly at all, and some of those people will devote the rest of their lives to reminding us on a daily basis that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are assholes. On the other hand, Jay-Z and Beyoncé have more money than God, so they’ll probably throw a free concert in Miami and have the Illuminati use their Men in Black mind eraser on everyone.

Wednesday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 23, 2013 @ 4:07 PM

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ANGELINA JOLIE – might be pregnant again, meaning she and Brad Pitt will soon have their seventh child. To be honest I’m not even sure if that’s what the story said, it just seems like something they would do. (hollywood life)

BEYONCE – lip-synched yesterday at the inauguration for President Obama, but her ‘Destinys Child’ bandmate Michelle Williams was quick to defend her because of the crowd, possible echoes, and the enormity of the moment. Also because Beyonce sucks and needs everything filtered through a super computer that could make Stephen Hawking sound like Michael Crawford. (fox news)

‘THE CANYONS’ – has now been rejected by the Sundance Film Festival and SXSW, meaning that even the promise of Lindsay Lohan doing fully naked sex scenes can’t get them a release date. Maybe they should change their approach and say Lindsay isn’t naked after all, and you never see her saggy freckled tits even once, and replacing all her scenes with this Kate Upton gif. (hollywood reporter)

GREGORY MATTHEW BRUNI – was arrested in North Fort Myers, Florida, for taking his clothes off, breaking into a strangers home, masturbating, and taking a shit on the floor twice. Of course if the cops could explain how he’s supposed to masturbate and shit on the floor with his clothes on, I’d love to hear it. (huff post)

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY – is hot. I think. Or maybe not. Sometimes, like here, she looks great, but in real life it’s hard to tell. Especially since she got new drapes. What are those fucking things, lead? (marks and spencer lingerie photoshoot spring 2013)

Beyonce will perform at the Super Bowl

By brendon October 16, 2012 @ 2:29 PM

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It won’t be official until tomorrow, but the Associated Press is reporting that Beyonce has signed on to perform at halftime for Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans. Gosh I wonder if Jay Z will surprise everyone by joining her for a song?

An even better choice would have been Christina Aguilera. Not only can she sing, but she’s really fat and has quick feet from all the dancing. She’d be an ideal sub at defensive tackle if there was an injury.

Beyonce to direct and star in movie about Beyonce

By brendon August 02, 2012 @ 10:47 PM

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You can never get too much Beyonce according to Beyonce, so she wants to make a documentary about herself. Gosh, I wonder if it’ll be flattering. The LA Times says…

Knowles (has) been shopping a nonfiction film to Hollywood studios about the celebrity’s life and career.
…the movie is as a mix of music and personal study, blending concert footage with confessional interview. Knowles not only stars in the project but is directing it, and will also serve as a producer.

If I ever said to a friend of mine that I wanted to make a movie about me, and it would be two hours of me talking about me and asking other people about me and showing footage of me from other movies people have made about me, they would kick me in the balls and tell me to go fuck myself. But not only does Beyonce think this is a good idea, but she probably wants to write the novelization as well.