A-Ha!

Perhaps because of the rumors that she's faking he pregnancy, Beyonce was out in New York today with a partially see-thru shirt. And, um, okay so this didn't prove shit. She could still have some kind of pad under that shirt. I'm inclined to believe she's lying because Beyonce has spent her entire carer stealing from other people. Lying comes second nature to her, and to all women really, because women are black...read more

Beyonce is fancy, totally pregnant

Because she needs both hands free to dramatically clutch her pretend pregnant stomach on occasion in front of photographers, Beyonce went shopping today in New York with a servant whose only job was to hold her umbrella, but before that she was out with Jay Z and Kanye West and, as the photo agency put it, "showed off her growing baby bump." Even though in reality her "bump" looks exactly the same as it did two months...read more

is Beyonce pregnant or not?

In August, Beyonce announced that she was pregnant, and almost immediately people started noticing that her "baby bump" seemed to radically change in size from day to day. The rumor quickly began that she actually was not pregnant at all, but that she and Jay Z had hired a surrogate to have their baby and Beyonce was wearing a prosthetic piece to make it look like she was pregnant for attention. Adding new credibility...read more

Jay Z has a secret child

Last month Jay Z and Beyonce announced that they were expecting a baby, the first child for each of them, unless you count Jay Z's other kid that he's kept stashed away for 9 years as if he were Harry Potter. Radar says in the most convoluted and poorly written way possible that Jay "has a secret son with a Trinidadian model, according to the father of the man originally identified as the child's father." This has...read more

Rihanna just fired Jay Z

Media Take Out, which I think of as the black TMZ because I'm racist, says today that things are about to get very ugly and very public between Rihanna and Jay Z, because she's about to fire his RocNation management firm, then sue them. She reportedly first considered this back in April because she felt they were favoring Beyonce--who is married to Jay Z--when it came to endorsement deals and song writers, and because...read more

Beyonce is pregnant

If you forced me to make up something more boring than the MTV Video Music Awards, it would still sound a lot like the MTV Video Music Awards. It would be like, "a 4 hour TV show... filled with pretentious assholes flaunting their money… and getting awards for something no one ever saw." So at least Beyonce took last nights VMAs to announce that she's 3 months pregnant. Her husband Jay Z is presumably the father. So...read more

Monday morning headlines

LEANN RIMES AND EDDIE CIBRIAN - got married this weekend in a surprise ceremony at a private home in California. This will make their inevitable cheating that much more exciting. (people) BEYONCE AND JAY Z - were reportedly set to perform at the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton on Friday, but now it seems that's not the case. William was probably just saying that so people would come. (et) LADY...read more

Beyonce is in a bikini :(

Beyonce and Jay Z are on some massive yacht in Monaco Bay today, and for the most part Beyonce stayed pinned down as if somebody was shootin at her. Which was annoying until she got up, perhaps to see if the timer on her cookies had gone off. "Ohh yeahh," I said to myself at that point. "Her body is disgusting, I forgot." You know you have a giant ass when your bikini comes with a big thick waistband to reinforce the...read more

ohai beyonce and beyonces breast

Do these pictures show: A. a yeti on vacation. B. a visualization of that "roll a fat girl in flour" sex joke C. Beyonce and her nipple in Hawaii. This wasn't some kind of quiz by the way. I genuinely don't know wtf is going on in these pictures. But I'm scared/erect, and I'd love to know why. (source = splash news online)read more

beyonce will do anything for money

Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has financed and run terrorist attacks that have killed countless thousands over the years, including the 1972 attack on the Munich Olympics (11 Israeli athletes kidnapped and murdered), Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbee Scotland (270 dead) and UTA flight 772 in Africa (170 dead). If you spoke out against him, he might invoke his, "right to liquidate any opponent to the revolution, in or...read more

tuesday morning headlines

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS - has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns', this time with Andy Richter and Conan O'Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I'm giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die) JESSICA ALBA - has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, "to pound the pavement and talk about education for the...read more

ma'am can i get you a jacket or something?

Beyonce performed at the music awards show for MTV Europe last night, and luckily we can witness it through these pictures and not in real life because it's really uncomfortable when someone who isn't sexy tries to act sexy. She has a very pretty face but big ass + no tits = not sexy. All this does is highlight that. Beyonce is making this really awkward. It's like watching your mom flirt. I would call her Ms. Knowles...read more

Beyonce is a monster

Beyonce is in Croatia today (wait what) and she went for an ocean swim in a little bikini despite the fact that she said in a recent interview that "she feels insecure about her body offstage."? (source = the sun) And it's no wonder. The other rap guys must give Jay Z hell above his womans flat stomach and human sized ass. And why are her hips in line with her shoulders? Women should be built like an iceberg, from the...read more

fuck you, beyonce

In 2004, when Jennifer Lopez made a guest appearance on Will and Grace, she brought 75 assistants, including an eyebrow specialist and someone whose job was to hold her coat. In 2005, Mariah Carey had her limo circle the block at 2:15am until her London hotel laid down a red carpet lined with white candles and rose pedals because she refused to walk on concrete. Neither one of them is the most annoying bitch in this...read more

What could go wrong?

Beyonce struggles with stairs in general (ahem) so God only knows how hard someone had to keep from laughing when they told her to try these. This is like something a shoe thief would be made to do in "Saw". But she's been wearing this crazy crap all week. Only a celebrity would be dumb enough to pay way way more for something that is way way worse. The dumber the idea the more they'll pay. No normal person would tape...read more