Jay Z And Beyonce Spend Six-Large On Sex Toys

By Jack December 30, 2013 @ 2:02 PM

Jay Z and Beyonce celebrated the release of her new album by dropping $6,000 on dildos and buttplugs at a New York sex shop. It all went down at a chic Lower East Side rubber cock emporium called Babeland. The two apparently went in there and stocked up on vibrating eggs and nipple clamps for the vegan romantic interest in your life. Still, six grand seems like a might tough tally at a sex toy shop. I went to Babeland once, (for um…a friend), and though it’s a little pricier than normal it’s not THAT expensive. What, did they buy a bunch of golden dildos? A source says,

“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme. It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”

Okay, so they did. I guess when you’re successful enough, you just start shoving precious metals up your ying-yang because depositing cash in the bank is no longer thrill enough. At some point an E.R. doctor will be asked to remove the Hope Diamond wedged into Beyonce’s chunnel. Maybe that’s when you start asking for help.

Beyoncé Is Very Good At Releasing Albums

By Travis December 23, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Now that she’s stunned the universe by being the first person to ever unexpectedly release a new album on the Internet (at least according to the response she’s received), Beyoncé held a meet and greet with some fans in New York City yesterday to really drive home what a woman of the people she is. Beyoncé is so committed to her fans that she looked absolutely genuine as she made them all stand behind a barricade so she could awkwardly pose and stick her ass out ever so slightly. She truly is a woman of the people who totally won’t have her bodyguards cave your face in with a cinder block if you try speaking to her.

Photo Credits: Michael Carpenter/WENN.com

Beyonce Is Good At Selling

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 3:21 PM

Beyonce Plays On The Beach In A Bikini For Her Music Video 'Drunk In Love'
Beyonce is good at many things. By many, I mean three. Looking good, walking in heels, and making money. There are any number of professions where a woman could translate those talents into success. Hooking, the retail banking industry, and popular music come to mind. Beyonce chose to skip retail banking.

Here’s Beyonce visually interpreting one of her many new tracks that all sounds the same, Drunk in Love. I think we can all relate to being overwhelmed with passion while showing off our nipples in wet swimsuits. Beyonce taps into the universal experience, that’s why her garter gets all the big bills.

Beyonce Causes Collective Hollywood Orgasm

By Lex December 13, 2013 @ 2:03 PM

Beyonce Arrives At The Vigil For Trayvon Martin Held In New York

Beyonce might be a painfully self-involved diva with a daughter who’s still stowed in an animal crate four airports ago, but she’s also a fucking genius. Not Beyonce per se, not so good with the letters and numbers, but her business people, pretty brilliant. Dropping a full album onto iTunes last night without any pre-promotion or notice is just a billion dollars worth of savvy. Somehow, within sixty seconds of release, every young pop culture excitable girl in Hollywood, from Demi Lovato to Perez Hilton were creaming their boy shorts over Beyonce’s coup. I guess they all keep hitting refresh around midnight on iTunes on the off chance new music pops up.

That seems like a real enough Tweet from a teenaged girl. It’s certainly true that with more than a dozen new songs by the exact same guys who write and produce all the others songs for every other pop artist, we’re looking at a seismic shift in music. Sort of like Chloe Grace Moretz just reinvented the horror genre with Carrie.

Photo Credit: Beyonce

Beyonce Posts Bikini Vacation Photos To Her Tumblr

By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 1:16 PM

Beyonce Posts Bikini Vacation Photos To Her Tumblr In Jamaica
Mrs. Carter joined her husband in his 22-day vegan challenge when her staff alerted her to the fact that there’d not been a fresh news story on her in almost forty-eight hours. They were going to go with a cute mommy and me beach time story during her Jamaica tour stop, but when they arrived in Kingston, Beyonce’s handlers had to embarrassingly admit nobody could remember where the hell they had left Blue Ivy. So they switched to Pan B about the vegan nonsense. The search engine Bing recently named Beyonce as the most searched celebrity term in 2013, close in numbers to the most searched term overall which was ‘What the fuck is Bing?’

Photo Credit: Beyonce/Tumblr

Jay Z Goes Plant Based

By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 10:38 AM

Beyonce and Jay Z Go Shopping At Barney's In New York
Jay-Z has taken on the 22 day vegan challenge. Only he’s calling it ‘plant based diet’ instead of vegan because that’s what Jay-Z does. He tinkers with phrasing to mean the exact same thing then people throw money at him. For Jay-Z, this isn’t so much about evacuating his bowels as it is the spirituality of numbers. He turned 44 on December 3 when he began the 22-day challenge. 22 is half of 44 by Jay-Z’s calculations. His 22-day challenge will natural end on Christmas, the birth of Christ. You know how big rappers love them some self-Christ identification. Jay-Z is one of the many people in this world who are into the mysticism of numbers. There tends to be a strong correlation between these numbers diddlers and schizophrenia, delusion, and smelling like long-past-due dairy products. The good news for Jay-Z is that he’s so rich, when he starts wearing tin foil hats and making Beyonce piss on him to keep him undetectable by the inter-dimensional marauders, he’ll have the luxury of being called eccentric. Enjoy your quinoa salad, original gangster.

Photo Credit: WENN