Beyonce and Jay Z are on some massive yacht in Monaco Bay today, and for the most part Beyonce stayed pinned down as if somebody was shootin at her. Which was annoying until she got up, perhaps to see if the timer on her cookies had gone off. “Ohh yeahh,” I said to myself at that point. “Her body is disgusting, I forgot.”
You know you have a giant ass when your bikini comes with a big thick waistband to reinforce the seams. It’s the kind of thing they put on straight jackets. Her idea of sexy talk is probably to tell Jay, “I want you to take me. To town. So I can get a pizza.”
Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has financed and run terrorist attacks that have killed countless thousands over the years, including the 1972 attack on the Munich Olympics (11 Israeli athletes kidnapped and murdered), Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbee Scotland (270 dead) and UTA flight 772 in Africa (170 dead). If you spoke out against him, he might invoke his, “right to liquidate any opponent to the revolution, in or out of the country”, and assemble a hit squad to hunt down and execute you no matter where you live, like he did when he ordered the murder of 5 Libyans in Italy.
But, whatever, all that shit is depressing. Me and Beyonce just wanna dance!
Beyoncé appears unable to say no to any gig – even when the host is the leering son of a Middle-Eastern despot – if a reputed $2m is on the table.
And so the stunning chart-topper found herself performing hits in a leotard on a tiny stage in tacky surroundings on New Year’s Eve in the Caribbean island of St Barts.
In pictures she can be seen strutting and kneeling before Muatsim Gaddafi.
Muatsim, the third son of the Libyan leader Muammar-al Gaddafi, couldn’t take his eyes off the Crazy In Love star as she gyrated and sang in front of him.
According to Forbes, she and Jay Z made $122 million last year. Without that show it would have been 120 million, so apparently she just did it to tell the world to go fuck itself. Maybe she can use that 2 million to round up and eat the last few pandas, or fill an oil tanker with ink and dump it into the ocean.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS – has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns’, this time with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I’m giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die)
JESSICA ALBA – has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, “to pound the pavement and talk about education for the world’s poorest children.” And there’s a picture included of Jessica with Hillary Clinton who is autographing a soccer ball. Problem Solved! (huff post)
JOHNNY DEPP – has signed a deal paying him $35 million to do a fourth ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie. In a related story, I sleep on a bed stuffed with old newspapers and hay. Horray for Hollywood! (the sun)
BEYONCE – carries a small wind machine with her around in clubs, even when she’s sitting down, to “keep her hair blowing everywhere – just like it does in her ‘Crazy in Love’ video.” This is an easier way to look sexy than my suggestion, which was to carry a treadmill everywhere so she could run her fat ass off. (the mirror and wenn images)
Beyonce performed at the music awards show for MTV Europe last night, and luckily we can witness it through these pictures and not in real life because it’s really uncomfortable when someone who isn’t sexy tries to act sexy. She has a very pretty face but big ass + no tits = not sexy. All this does is highlight that. Beyonce is making this really awkward. It’s like watching your mom flirt. I would call her Ms. Knowles if we were in the same room, and lean back and offer my hand if she tried to kiss as a greeting.
Beyonce is in Croatia today (wait what) and she went for an ocean swim in a little bikini despite the fact that she said in a recent interview that “she feels insecure about her body offstage.” (source = the sun)
And it’s no wonder. The other rap guys must give Jay Z hell above his womans flat stomach and human sized ass. And why are her hips in line with her shoulders? Women should be built like an iceberg, from the chest down they should just get wider and wider and wider. And wider. And wider and wider. And wider. Wider. Rawr, I’m gettin all hot just thinkin about it!