By Lex December 13, 2013 @ 2:03 PM
Beyonce might be a painfully self-involved diva with a daughter who’s still stowed in an animal crate four airports ago, but she’s also a fucking genius. Not Beyonce per se, not so good with the letters and numbers, but her business people, pretty brilliant. Dropping a full album onto iTunes last night without any pre-promotion or notice is just a billion dollars worth of savvy. Somehow, within sixty seconds of release, every young pop culture excitable girl in Hollywood, from Demi Lovato to Perez Hilton were creaming their boy shorts over Beyonce’s coup. I guess they all keep hitting refresh around midnight on iTunes on the off chance new music pops up.
That seems like a real enough Tweet from a teenaged girl. It’s certainly true that with more than a dozen new songs by the exact same guys who write and produce all the others songs for every other pop artist, we’re looking at a seismic shift in music. Sort of like Chloe Grace Moretz just reinvented the horror genre with Carrie.
Photo Credit: Beyonce
By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 1:16 PM
Mrs. Carter joined her husband in his 22-day vegan challenge when her staff alerted her to the fact that there’d not been a fresh news story on her in almost forty-eight hours. They were going to go with a cute mommy and me beach time story during her Jamaica tour stop, but when they arrived in Kingston, Beyonce’s handlers had to embarrassingly admit nobody could remember where the hell they had left Blue Ivy. So they switched to Pan B about the vegan nonsense. The search engine Bing recently named Beyonce as the most searched celebrity term in 2013, close in numbers to the most searched term overall which was ‘What the fuck is Bing?’
Photo Credit: Beyonce/Tumblr
By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 10:38 AM
Jay-Z has taken on the 22 day vegan challenge. Only he’s calling it ‘plant based diet’ instead of vegan because that’s what Jay-Z does. He tinkers with phrasing to mean the exact same thing then people throw money at him. For Jay-Z, this isn’t so much about evacuating his bowels as it is the spirituality of numbers. He turned 44 on December 3 when he began the 22-day challenge. 22 is half of 44 by Jay-Z’s calculations. His 22-day challenge will natural end on Christmas, the birth of Christ. You know how big rappers love them some self-Christ identification. Jay-Z is one of the many people in this world who are into the mysticism of numbers. There tends to be a strong correlation between these numbers diddlers and schizophrenia, delusion, and smelling like long-past-due dairy products. The good news for Jay-Z is that he’s so rich, when he starts wearing tin foil hats and making Beyonce piss on him to keep him undetectable by the inter-dimensional marauders, he’ll have the luxury of being called eccentric. Enjoy your quinoa salad, original gangster.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Travis September 16, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
The worst part about this video of a shirtless and presumably crazed fan pulling Beyoncé from the stage at her concert in Sao Paulo, Brazil last night isn’t that she could have been injured or he could have committed far greater acts of violence after the fact. It’s that as soon as the singer was rescued and returned to the stage by her gigantic security team, the guards didn’t immediately pull the fan on stage, too, and proceed to give him the beating of his life so we could all watch and laugh at the grown man who paid money to see a Beyoncé concert.
By Lex August 16, 2013 @ 5:36 PM
Just last week, the people who care about hair world was brought to a standstill when Beyonce showed off something called the Pixie cut. I think it means short hair. But it took four hours and eight million dollars to perfect so it was a big deal.Then, just a few days later, new bob cut! Can you imagine. I’m not sure how regular people are supposed to handle this. Beyonce was perfectly composed however as she left the Miami restaurant, remembering her hair extensions but absentmindedly forgetting her purse and her stripper-named baby. Obviously, she didn’t get too far before she went back for the purse.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin
By Lex July 23, 2013 @ 9:40 AM
Someday, all people will come to know the true power of Beyonce. How she can sing a note that cures cancer. Her perfectly round feces are a superfood. And no matter what woman Jay-Z slips into after his show, Beyonce becomes with child. You don’t need to explain the powers of Bey to this fellow who was touched by the divine presence in concert. He went down with the Holy Ghost. The two of them on the ground front row at the Mrs. Carter tour. Pretty sweet tickets.