Oprah gives terrible baby presents

By brendon January 10, 2012 @ 1:03 PM

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Oprah Winfrey has sent a gift to Beyonce and Jay Z for their new baby girl; a trunk full of children’s books. In other words, a giant ugly black thing filled with simple messages from someone who isn’t actually good at anything but wants lots of money anyway. It’ll be just like having the real Oprah right there in the room!

Beyonce had a little girl, named her Blue Ivy

By brendon January 09, 2012 @ 9:12 AM

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Beyonce didn’t look like she was 2 days away from giving birth when these pictures were taken Thursday (ahem) but apparently she was, because she and Jay Z had a baby girl Saturday night that they named Blue Ivy. Which is no dumber than any other celebrity name as long as she doesn’t ever date a guy named Ivy.

(source = inf and e!)

Beyonces totally-not-fake baby due in weeks

By brendon November 29, 2011 @ 8:53 PM

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Remember back in August, when Beyonce made headlines by announcing she was pregnant, reportedly 3 months pregnant, and many were suspicious because she didn’t look 3 months pregnant? Well it turns out those people were wrong, and she was 5 months pregnant. AOL says…

Beyonce has revealed (she) is expecting to give birth in December 2011, not February 2012 as previously reported.
(In a new video) Beyonce holds up a copy of the New York Daily News. The paper featured a cover story suggesting Beyonce may have been faking her baby bump.
Mocking the caption, she rubs her belly and says, “Hello, it’s Sept. 23. Right now I’m actually shooting the video for ‘Countdown’ and I’m six months pregnant.”

If Beyonce was the type of person who would lie and cheat just to get herself in the news, I would totally say this new early due date was because she got tired of faking her pregnancy. As it turns out she is absolutely that type of person, so yeah, this is totally because that vain bitch is tired of faking her pregnancy.

(image source of beyonce 10 days ago, apparently 8 months pregnant = splash)

A-Ha!

By brendon October 17, 2011 @ 3:17 PM

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Perhaps because of the rumors that she’s faking he pregnancy, Beyonce was out in New York today with a partially see-thru shirt. And, um, okay so this didn’t prove shit. She could still have some kind of pad under that shirt. I’m inclined to believe she’s lying because Beyonce has spent her entire carer stealing from other people. Lying comes second nature to her, and to all women really, because women are black hearted monsters.

(image source = inf)

Beyonce is fancy, totally pregnant

By brendon October 13, 2011 @ 2:59 PM

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Because she needs both hands free to dramatically clutch her pretend pregnant stomach on occasion in front of photographers, Beyonce went shopping today in New York with a servant whose only job was to hold her umbrella, but before that she was out with Jay Z and Kanye West and, as the photo agency put it, “showed off her growing baby bump.”

Even though in reality her “bump” looks exactly the same as it did two months ago, if not smaller. Who would have guessed that pretending to be pregnant would be so difficult. Lot of math involved, it would seem.

is Beyonce pregnant or not?

By brendon October 11, 2011 @ 4:59 PM

In August, Beyonce announced that she was pregnant, and almost immediately people started noticing that her “baby bump” seemed to radically change in size from day to day. The rumor quickly began that she actually was not pregnant at all, but that she and Jay Z had hired a surrogate to have their baby and Beyonce was wearing a prosthetic piece to make it look like she was pregnant for attention. Adding new credibility to this awesome rumor is that her “bump” seemed to fold in half then pop back into shape as she sat down to do an interview on Sunday (gif above).

ABC News asked her publicist about this today and was told the rumor was “ridiculous, stupid and false.” But screw that. It’s more fun to think she’s faking it. And she would too because this way she gets nine months of attention for being pregnant, then 6 months of, “oh my god she got back into shape so fast, she’s amazing.” We both know Beyonce would eat that shit up.

Luckily most actors and singers are practically retarded, and she’s both, making her full-on retarded, so now we just have to sit back and wait for her to put the prosthetic on wrong, then explain why her bump in now on her back.