Beyonce will perform at the Super Bowl

By brendon October 16, 2012 @ 2:29 PM

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It won’t be official until tomorrow, but the Associated Press is reporting that Beyonce has signed on to perform at halftime for Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans. Gosh I wonder if Jay Z will surprise everyone by joining her for a song?

An even better choice would have been Christina Aguilera. Not only can she sing, but she’s really fat and has quick feet from all the dancing. She’d be an ideal sub at defensive tackle if there was an injury.

Beyonce to direct and star in movie about Beyonce

By brendon August 02, 2012 @ 10:47 PM

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You can never get too much Beyonce according to Beyonce, so she wants to make a documentary about herself. Gosh, I wonder if it’ll be flattering. The LA Times says…

Knowles (has) been shopping a nonfiction film to Hollywood studios about the celebrity’s life and career.
…the movie is as a mix of music and personal study, blending concert footage with confessional interview. Knowles not only stars in the project but is directing it, and will also serve as a producer.

If I ever said to a friend of mine that I wanted to make a movie about me, and it would be two hours of me talking about me and asking other people about me and showing footage of me from other movies people have made about me, they would kick me in the balls and tell me to go fuck myself. But not only does Beyonce think this is a good idea, but she probably wants to write the novelization as well.

Kim Kardashian is already freaking out Beyonce

By brendon July 10, 2012 @ 4:37 PM

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Kim Kardashian is still desperate to parlay her relationship with Kanye West into a friendship with Beyonce and Jay Z, so she reportedly spent $5,000 on a gold bracelet with pink and white diamonds for their daughter Blue Ivy, and then engraved it with a very presumptuous, “Love Auntie Kim.”

Guess how that went over.

“They have been friends for five minutes, but already Kim is try­ing to force herself into Beyonce’s life,” a source told The Enquirer.
“Despite Kim’s sex tape and bad marriages, Beyonce had been warming to her based on her charming demeanor and romance with Kanye, who’s a good friend.
“But she certainly doesn’t consider Kim family in any way, shape or form – and for her to suggest that close­ness really put Beyonce off.”

Ok fine that’s The Enquirer, so who knows, but it does sorta fit with a report in the new issue of Life & Style that says Kim is “not allowed to talk about” Beyonce or Jay-Z in public.

“She’d be kicked out of the clique so quickly if she made any misstep,” the insider explained. “Kim has to earn everyone’s trust.”

Wait. Does Kim Kardashian have any friends? Now that I think about it, in 10 years I don’t think I’ve ever seen her with anyone but Paris Hilton, Reggie Bush, and Kris Humprhies. Who all hate her now. Other than that she’s always with her family. That’s the same way rats and dingoes live, by the way. Hint hint, Kanye.

Beyonce wore this “sexy” see-thru dress

By brendon May 08, 2012 @ 2:30 PM

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Beyonce wore this see-thru dress to the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s annual ball in New York last night, though it was actually just a normal black dress until she put it on and then her ass stretched the material too thin.

(image source of beyonce at the met gala bala last night in new york = getty)

People magazine has to be joking

By brendon April 25, 2012 @ 12:14 PM

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In what can only be explained as some kind of clerical error, People magazine has named Beyonce as the Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

Beyonce.

Knowles.

The most beautiful woman.

In the entire world.

Not that there’s anything wrong with her, but there’s nothing right with her either. She’s just sort of someone who’s there. This would be like making some insane proclamation about how great Tuesday is, or pencils. These are just things that exist, and that’s all they are unless you’re some kind of weirdo.

(image source = fame/flynet)

it’s Beyonce and her new baby

By brendon February 10, 2012 @ 8:20 PM

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Having a baby and then auctioning off the first pictures of it to a magazine or tabloid is a tawdry and tasteless thing for celebrities to do. And that’s why people like Jennifer Lopez do it.

Jay Z and Beyonce are clearly above that however, and tonight they posted 5 pictures of their new baby girl Blue Ivy on his website for all to see. For free. And they’re actually pretty god dammed cute, even if she is throwing up a little gang sign in one of them.