I don’t know why people get so worked up over whether or not Beyonce is going to have another baby. But they do. Despite Beyonce denying that she’s pregnant since the last rumor came out, nobody wanted to believe it. So Beyonce went and shot a picture of herself drinking booze, to prove it. She posted it to her personal website where I guess people go. I’m not sure that photo actually proves anything. Personally, I’d like to see a picture of Beyonce punching her surrogate hard in the stomach. Then I’d believe. But I still wouldn’t care.
I suppose it’s some kind of felonious activity to smack a woman on the ass these days, but there has to be some exceptions. Like Beyonce’s ginormous cans waving with sparkles in your face. Even the lowest form of mammalian life is going to be intrigued by that big shiny bauble. I can’t blame a Danish guy for taking a whack. Yes, it’s true, that there’s a girl just six thousand miles locked away pregnant with Beyonce’s next child, but I feel like the fetus was never in danger.
Yeah, I guess Beyonce lied about not being pregnant. Or her carefully secreted surrogate being pregnant. Which doesn’t surprise me because Beyonce hates publicity. At least when it’s not about her. When that fetus pushes through her chunnel and Beyonce sees the camera lenses training off her vagina and onto little Baby Stupid Name, she’s going to shit a tooth.
New York Post rumors are basically one guy in their newsroom making up celebrity shit for some other guy in the newsroom and next thing you know, there it is, anonymous sources stating that Beyonce is probably hiding her second baby from the public. You may recall that Beyonce responded to rumors of her first pregnancy by hiring a girl off Craigslist to ‘make her a pretty baby that don’t cry so much.’ But the baby turned out too pretty. So Beyonce bought a $21,000 crib to chain the baby to so she could go out on the town without having to worry about stupid face Blue Ivy showing up and hogging all the attention. That seems like a lot of work to do all over again.
Ever since Kim Kardashian spread her way into the A-list social circle of Kanye West and Jay Z, it has been rumored that Beyoncé wants nothing to do with her. The reason, of course, would be that Beyoncé is a very talented pop superstar and Kim made a sex tape with Ray J. But things have probably been a little tougher for Kim now that she’s pregnant, especially when she showed up to Monday night’s Met Gala looking like one-third of the Rose Bowl Parade.
While Kanye was performing at the ball, he actually took a moment to tell Kim how awesome she is in front of all of the celebrities in attendance, and that must have felt nice after she couldn’t fit into her original dress and had to add sleeves to her gown because her arms looked like giant sequoias. So it was also nice of Beyoncé and her sister, Solange Knowles, to take a quick photo with Kim, so she could post it to Twitter and make the other Make-A-Wish children jealous.
Beyonce is going on a world tour. Apparently, there are teenaged girls and gay men in places outside the U.S.. But she’s not going without a list of demands, as evidenced in her tour contract rider, that little addendum that provides all of the artists customized requests:
- titanium straws to drink alkaline water kept at precisely 21-degrees
- all crew to wear 100% cotton only clothing
- plain off-white walls in her dressing rooms
- a new toilet seat at every event
- red toilet paper
- hand-carved ice-ball to suck after every performance
- glass platters of almonds, oatcakes and green-only crudités
Honestly, that doesn’t sound all that much more choosy than most prescription medicated Westside L.A. moms in their daily fanatical doings. But that red toilet paper. That’s a real mystery. I did a little digging. It turns out the red butt 2-plys have no significant difference from your standard whites. It’s just a style choice. A choice to wipe your ass with red. Are we to read into a deeper meaning here? Is Beyonce a communist? Is this the team color of the college she didn’t go to? Or, is it possible, just in some way, somehow, slightly possible that Beyonce is a needy self-absorbed crazy bitch? Yeah, I know, probably a communist.