Beyonce Dabs with Red Toilet Paper

By Lex May 01, 2013 @ 3:50 PM

Beyonce is going on a world tour. Apparently, there are teenaged girls and gay men in places outside the U.S.. But she’s not going without a list of demands, as evidenced in her tour contract rider, that little addendum that provides all of the artists customized requests:

  • titanium straws to drink alkaline water kept at precisely 21-degrees
  • all crew to wear 100% cotton only clothing
  • plain off-white walls in her dressing rooms
  • a new toilet seat at every event
  • red toilet paper
  • hand-carved ice-ball to suck after every performance
  • glass platters of almonds, oatcakes and green-only crudités

Honestly, that doesn’t sound all that much more choosy than most prescription medicated Westside L.A. moms in their daily fanatical doings. But that red toilet paper. That’s a real mystery. I did a little digging. It turns out the red butt 2-plys have no significant difference from your standard whites. It’s just a style choice. A choice to wipe your ass with red. Are we to read into a deeper meaning here? Is Beyonce a communist? Is this the team color of the college she didn’t go to? Or, is it possible, just in some way, somehow, slightly possible that Beyonce is a needy self-absorbed crazy bitch? Yeah, I know, probably a communist.

Beyoncé Won’t Look Like She-Hulk On Her Tour

By Travis April 25, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

After turning in one of the better Super Bowl Halftime performances in recent years, Beyoncé has laid some new ground rules for her Mrs. Carter Show world tour, thanks to those less-than-flattering photos that made it look like she was firing out a massive dump. Beyoncé and her team have banned press photographers from her tour, and she will only have her own photographer taking pictures of her, according to the Daily Mail.

This way, Beyoncé can be in control of which photos of her can hit the Internet and which can’t. So instead of just being human and showing people that she has a sense of humor, Beyoncé has opened the door for every smartass on the Internet with photoshop to do even more damage with the approved images that she allows to be published.

“Hey, I didn’t have a penis on my forehead at that show in London,” she’ll say before sending out the Illuminati hit squad to take care of the persons responsible.

Beyonce Is the Shit and She Knows It

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 3:29 PM

Beyonce Bikini Photoshoot For H&M
I’m still reveling in the pure love I felt after watching Beyonce’s HBO documentary, You’re God Damned Right I’m the Shit, a brutally honest look back at the rise of Beyonce, minus all the controversial, negative, or unpleasant elements. It was about as even keeled as a candidate profile film at a political convention. At one point in the doc, Jesus descends from heaven and begs Beyonce to never give up on her dreams, or neglect her hair weaves. Still, she is pretty damn hot. So while Jay-Z and Justin are off this summer in their tuxedos, I might just have to pay a visit to the neglected housewife. I’ve got about as much chance as Jesus.

Here’s Beyonce in her summer bikini shoot for retailers H&M…

Photo Credit: H&M

Jay-Z Can Get Presidents Impeached?

By Jack April 12, 2013 @ 9:25 AM

The most powerful Black man in America, Jay-Z, not only doesn’t care that Cubans in Miami are pissed at him for going to Cuba but he also is flippant about getting his buddy Barack Obama into trouble. Last week Mr. Beyonce and Beyonce got into some Cuban Missile Crisis level shitstorm when they visited the island nation that is off limits to most Americans. Jay-Z rapped in a new song about the controversy:

Politicians never did s**t for me … except lie to me, distort history.
Obama said chill ‘You gonna get me impeached.
We don’t need this s**t anyway chill with me on the beach.

Wow, a real Robert Frost. Jay-Z’s obvious implication being that the president helped him get his ass onto Cuba.

Here’s a little secret: it’s easy as fuck to get onto Cuba. You can just hit Mexico or some other middle country airport and use cash to buy a ticket to Cuba. Almost nobody gets caught doing this because nobody outside of Washington D.C. and Miami gives a rat’s ass if you want to go to Cuba to get cheap hookers and booze. But the Beyonces are parents now and wanted to do everything legal-like, so they called up Obama and called in a favor for mugging at so many of his fundraisers over the years. And who should really care? As a Cuban-American I was born and bred to hate those Castro mutherfuckers and I hope they smoke a turd in hell for all eternity. Still, isn’t it time to just say fuck it and let Southwest Airlines get you down to Havana by way of Kansas City  and Midway with an equipment change in Charlotte?

People Are Pissed At Jay-Z And Beyonce For Going To Cuba

By Travis April 08, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Jay-Z and Beyoncé spent last week in Cuba, celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary with some family members and close friends, and because they’re Jay-Z and Beyoncé people went absolutely apeshit wherever they went. And now, because Cuba is a place governed by a horrible old piece of shit, American politicians and anti-Castro Cubans in South Florida are calling for music’s royal couple to be torn to pieces by starved lions.

Florida Republicans Ileana Ros-Lehtinen and Mario Diaz-Balart (whose aunt was Fidel Castro’s first wife) wrote a letter to the Treasury Department asking why the hell two American celebrities were allowed to spend their American money in Cuba while that embargo deal is still alive and well.

The letter points out that “tourist activities” are covered by the ban and complains that the trip was used by the Castro regime for propaganda purposes.

“The restrictions on tourism travel are common-sense measures meant to prevent US dollars from supporting a murderous regime that opposes US security interests at every turn and which ruthlessly suppresses the most basic liberties of speech, assembly and belief,” the politicians write. (The Guardian)

This is going to be really interesting, because South Florida’s Cuban community doesn’t take this kind of stuff lightly at all, and some of those people will devote the rest of their lives to reminding us on a daily basis that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are assholes. On the other hand, Jay-Z and Beyoncé have more money than God, so they’ll probably throw a free concert in Miami and have the Illuminati use their Men in Black mind eraser on everyone.

Wednesday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 23, 2013 @ 4:07 PM


ANGELINA JOLIE – might be pregnant again, meaning she and Brad Pitt will soon have their seventh child. To be honest I’m not even sure if that’s what the story said, it just seems like something they would do. (hollywood life)

BEYONCE – lip-synched yesterday at the inauguration for President Obama, but her ‘Destinys Child’ bandmate Michelle Williams was quick to defend her because of the crowd, possible echoes, and the enormity of the moment. Also because Beyonce sucks and needs everything filtered through a super computer that could make Stephen Hawking sound like Michael Crawford. (fox news)

‘THE CANYONS’ – has now been rejected by the Sundance Film Festival and SXSW, meaning that even the promise of Lindsay Lohan doing fully naked sex scenes can’t get them a release date. Maybe they should change their approach and say Lindsay isn’t naked after all, and you never see her saggy freckled tits even once, and replacing all her scenes with this Kate Upton gif. (hollywood reporter)

GREGORY MATTHEW BRUNI – was arrested in North Fort Myers, Florida, for taking his clothes off, breaking into a strangers home, masturbating, and taking a shit on the floor twice. Of course if the cops could explain how he’s supposed to masturbate and shit on the floor with his clothes on, I’d love to hear it. (huff post)

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY – is hot. I think. Or maybe not. Sometimes, like here, she looks great, but in real life it’s hard to tell. Especially since she got new drapes. What are those fucking things, lead? (marks and spencer lingerie photoshoot spring 2013)