Bill Gates Wants To Make A Windows 95 Condom

By Jack March 27, 2013 @ 3:59 PM

Would you wear a Windows condom? I wouldn’t either. But it’s coming your way. The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation has put out word that they want to create the next generation of jimmy hats. They argue that the overall design and composition of the latex sombrero hasn’t changed since the 60′s. The idea is that if they feel more natural people are more likely to wear them. While I guess they have their hearts in the right place, I wonder if it will work. Firstly, what the fuck does Bill Gates know about making rubbers? He made his billions selling a shitty operating system that he largely ripped off from Apple and the QDos system designed by Seattle Computer products. You don’t want a rip-off condom any more than you want IE8 .

Bill Gates is shocked that only 1 in 7 copulations occurs on this planet with a prophylactic in place. Shocked as the world’s richest dweeb may be, there is no way that even a space-age condom will ever feel like you are rubbing “meat on meat”, (a disgustingly evocative term I heard in South Africa). I know lots of people, men and women, who absolutely refuse to wear them because it just isn’t the same. I wear them because I don’t want any rugrats running around and you should definitely wrap that shit up when having a one night stand with that slutty waitress you met at Applebees (and she certainly feels the same about banging a poor-tipping slob who orders the $9.99 rib special and water).

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MICROSOFT IS DUMPING SEINFELD

By brendon September 18, 2008 @ 12:07 PM

Microsoft paid Jerry Seinfeld 10 million dollars to appear in their new ads but now after only two commercials, the wholly unpleasant campaign starring Seinfeld and Bill Gates is being taken off the air. Valleywag says…

In a phone call, Waggener Edstrom flack Frank Shaw confirms that Microsoft is not going on with Seinfeld, and echoes his underlings' spin that the move was planned. There is the "potential to do other things" with Seinfeld, which Shaw says is still "possible." He adds: "People would have been happier if everyone loved the ads, but this was not unexpected."

Honestly, who in the fuck thought Jerry Seinnfeld should be the choice to make a company seem more hip and in-touch.  And then put him in ads with Bill Gates.  Every god damn second of these things was just awkward and uncomfortable, like watching your parents make out.