Kendall Jenner was at the Billboard Music Awards last night with one simple job to do. All she had to do was read a few quick lines and pretend she knew and gave a brief shit about who or what 5 Seconds of Summer is and then she could head backstage and collect her bag of free things to give to her mother, Kris Jenner, who would then sell everything on eBay at a 600% mark up because it had been touched by a Kardashian. Instead, Kendall proved that she can’t even be trusted to stand on an X and read from a screen, which means that she’ll only be given about 100 more chances to be famous on her own before Kris decides that it’s time for her to fuck Ray J.
The strange friendship between Wayne Coyne and Miley Cyrus continued last night at the Billboard Music Awards, where the duo teamed up to let Miley screech her autotuned way through the Beatles classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Miley picked that song, you see, because she really likes experimenting with drugs like marijuana and LSD, since she’s so unique and original, and no musician has ever used the pot to really make the music come out of them the way that Miley does. You can even tell by the way that Miley painfully dragged out every verse of the song and stuck her stupid tongue out while none of her fans sang along, because her fans are idiots who clearly wouldn’t know good music if it was twerking right in front of them, that she knows that she’s an old soul who belongs in a different era. Now we just need to convince her that the time machine that will take her back to the 70s is in the bottom of a volcano.
To give you an idea of just how average last night’s Billboard Music Awards show was, two of the top selling points were Robin Thicke’s pathetic groveling to get his wife back and the first ever American performance of an Australian boy band called 5 Seconds of Summer. I’m sure all of the idiot teenage American girls just went crazy over that one. But the biggest spectacle of the night was a performance by a hologram of Michael Jackson, because there’s no point in having actual music artists who are alive perform their actual hit songs when you can just play a glorified music video for a bunch of clapping morons. The standing ovation for a computer image was short-lived, though, when several hologram adult men came forward and said that hologram Michael Jackson had molested them when they were just hologram children. A hologram investigation is pending.
Ever since Paula Patton dumped his ass for cheating on her after “Blurred Lines” became a huge hit and made him think that he was a god, Robin Thicke has vowed that he’d win his wife back, no matter what it takes. That’s why he used the Billboard Music Awards last night as his grand platform to apologize and grovel, as he not only singled her out when he accepted his Best R&B Song award, but he also performed his new single, “Get Her Back”, just for Paula. And then the apologies probably continued after the show, when he dedicated the sex that he was about to have with two random fans at the show to Paula, before calling her to scream out her name in the middle of climax so that she could hear firsthand just how sorry he really is.