Billy Crystal sucked, Seth Rogen was awesome

By brendon February 27, 2012 @ 4:30 PM

Movie award shows don’t have to be boring and awful and tragically unfunny, Billy Crystal just makes it seem that way. Take the Independent Spirt Awards for example, which were held in Santa Monica on Saturday and hosted by Seth Rogen.

The video above has Crystals entire monologue from the Oscars last night and then a few examples from Rogen. As you can see, a Billy Crystal joke follows a simple two-step formula:

1. Say some random thing that he’s heard of.
2. Smirk like an asshole.

Rogen on the other hand did things like compare Brett Ratner and the Oscars to Chris Brown and the Grammys:

“Seriously, you say a few hateful things and they don’t let you within a hundred yards of the Oscars. You could literally beat the shit out of a nominee and they’ll ask you to perform TWICE at the Grammys.”

And brought up the murderous Jewish mobsters in ‘Drive’:

“That movie made Jews look so scary I thought Mel Gibson directed it.”

Come to think of it, whoever keeps letting Billy Crystal sing those Oscar medleys filled with idiotic puns might have some secret anti-Semitic agenda too. The hate those things inspire is almost irrational, it’s like some kind of fever.

Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars

By brendon November 10, 2011 @ 7:05 PM

billy_crystal

So, as you can see, Billy Crystal announced today that he’ll be hosting the Academy Awards. So expect more jokes like that one. About the prescriptions. But what about the clock on his VCR? Does it blink 12:00 all the time? I get the feeling we’ll soon find out!

(source = twitter)

Billy Crystal has still got it

By brendon April 06, 2011 @ 12:01 PM

Proving that his powers of comic observation are as razor sharp and lightning fast as they’ve ever been, Billy Crystal has noticed that the young people of today sure do like vampires.

And that was the end of his idea.

Nonetheless he took that information and got Helen Mirren, Rob Reiner, (the great) Adam Scott, Mike Tyson, Rob Riggle, and Maya Rudolph to film this bit for Funny or Die about a sequel to When Harry Met Sally, then repeated the same jokes from the movie but with prop teeth. Get it? Those aren’t his real teeth. Do you not get it?

I’m not sure if Billy Crystal has ever said anything funny, but if he did it would have been about 35 years ago. When he tries, I’m always left with an empty sadness. Like seeing a orphan with a bad cough.