Go Big On The Oscars Next Year

By Matt February 24, 2015 @ 8:03 AM

Keat

The Oscars are an obnoxious self congratulatory circle jerk you’re occasionally forced to sit through with your girlfriend while she cries and you consider breaking up with her. She would totally blow Cumberbatch. Not even hypothetically. Just right now, on this couch. Your best bet is to turn this into an under the radar Super Bowl. Bet half your mortgage on a few gut instincts. Vegas odds on Birdman winning Best Picture were 18 to 1. The key here is not to tell your chick what you have invested. She’ll think you suddenly give a shit about evening gowns and are finally making an effort. Throw a safety bottle of Jack in the bathroom cabinet and make frequent pit stops. It goes well with the bottle of cab on the table. You’ll be feeling pretty good once this shit show nears its finale. Just like that you made eighteen thousand dollars and you’re in a crying embrace. I think she’s onto me. Let’s double up on the Papa Johns and fire up the industrial lighting. We’re shooting a fuck tape for the ages. Call into work tomorrow. We need some more cab. It’s so magical!

Photo Credit: Oscars.go.com 

Emma Stone Not Representing the U.S. Well

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:44 AM

Emma Stone Shows Off Her Cleavage At The Premiere Of 'Birdman' At The 71st Venice Film Festival
The powerhouse that is America may not be the shining light on the hill it once was, but we still stand for all things super-sized. Everything here is supposed to be big. We have big business, big cars, big round people, and we’re supposed to have big tits. It’s okay for your standard liberal arts college coed to have itty bitties, but when we send envoys around the world, they need big boobs that scream America. Emma Stone is kind of disappointing. She’s in Venice. We had a war there not so long ago. We don’t need bosomy Italian women laughing at our flat chested saplings. Now that I didn’t legally see them, I’m allowed to say that Kate Upton has big old jam filled mams. Certainly we can train her to act to the level of an Emma Stone. A year at an actor’s academy and some number of electrical shocks ought to suffice. This time next year, I want all Europeans once more scoffing at us stupid Americans and with our big bloated tits.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty